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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 11:48:19 GMT -5
I've also heard from my trainer and perhaps from the book itself that one's loved ones are the hardest people to practice nonviolent communication with. I'm finding that's true because what I crave from them is empathy -- their understanding my needs and feelings. After years of having my needs and feelings overlooked in my SM, even though I'm now in a relationship in which my partner is empathic, and sexual with me, I still carry a backlog of years of unmet needs and unrecognized feelings from my SM. I am finding the part in the book about self empathy to be very helpful. I think empathy (for self and others) is really the crux of the entire NVC technique. For those who aren't familiar, it's a communication technique based on four components: observations without judgment, feelings (your own), needs (your own), and requests instead of demands. It is generally centered on "I" statements as opposed to "you" accusations and may look like this:
"When you do A, I feel B because I have an unmet need for C. I would really appreciate it if you would do D." Of course you say all this gently without raising your voice.
Communication elements to be avoided because they alienate others are: demands, accusations, judgments, and lack of accountability for your own stuff.
And, caballotierra, just so it doesn't totally look like I'm hijacking (sorry!!), I think learning this technique may just be an essential part of recovering from emotional neglect and abuse and going on to have a healthy relationship. Well, that's my excuse anyway for hijacking.
I, personally, hope that I'll be able to practice this more in the context of a loving, safe friendship where I can hone my relational skills and overcome the negative communication patterns I was in with my ex. I don't want to take my old self into a new relationship. I don't think any of us do. But changing means taking ownership for our role in our SM. I'm not perfect. I stayed in a toxic relationship due to my own deficiencies or short-sightedness or sheer cowardice. I'm working to overcome all of of that.
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Post by caballotierra on Mar 5, 2019 21:53:31 GMT -5
@elle There is no such thing as hijacking a conversation here! I’ve been curious what the heck nonviolent communication is since a friend started raving about it. I will check out the book, and appreciate the recommendation.
My therapist recommended I started taking this communication approach with my W. I wish I could say it worked for us. But I guess it has been part of my switch to better communication. Hopefully will work better with my next partner. Seems that empathy is the key ingredient.
The problem I saw with W was that even if I told her, “I feel sad and ugly when you don’t touch me. Intimacy is important to me and makes me feel loved and desired. I would like you to initiate touch because I feel loved and appreciated when you do that.” ...she literally responded with a blank stare. It was kinda creepy. That was the moment where I thought she was heartless. I’ve since come to see it as an emotional handicap or disability.
Love all the stories and suggestions here!
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Post by baza on Mar 5, 2019 22:21:20 GMT -5
You may yet go through a few more versions of "why your missus behaves as she does" Brother caballotierra . And, if it helps you to regard it as "an emotional handicap or disability" then that is a reasonable enough view to take. It may well even be that your speculation is right on the money and that is precisely "why" she is as she is. Thing is, that knowing what the "why" is doesn't actually help any. Whatever the "why" is (or isn't) you are just as disenfranchised either way. What doesn't alter in the face of these ILIASM situations is the options open to you. Your options are the same as Brother h 's are or Brother shamwow 's were. Or Sister workingonit 's are, or Sister @elle 's were.
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Post by caballotierra on Mar 10, 2019 11:10:29 GMT -5
Right you are, Brother baza. Same options.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 11, 2019 9:47:13 GMT -5
Caballotierra said: “I’ve been curious what the heck nonviolent communication is since a friend started raving about it. I will check out the book, and appreciate the recommendation. “
Learning nonviolent communication is not a magical way to get what you want. It’s just a way of expressing one’s needs and feelings with empathy for oneself and without blame or judgement. It will not make a sm sexual. It will not make one’s partner love you the way you want.
For instance, If one’s refuser were to use the method, they might tell you something like, “I get angry when you want to have sex with me because I need you to be considerate of the fact that I do not want sex to be part of our relationship.” Such words wouldn’t make you desire to have a sm. The words would simply express what your spouse needs and feels.
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