Recovering from emotional neglect and abuse Mar 5, 2019 11:48:19 GMT -5 northstarmom and sadkat like this
Post by elle on Mar 5, 2019 11:48:19 GMT -5
I am finding the part in the book about self empathy to be very helpful.
I think empathy (for self and others) is really the crux of the entire NVC technique. For those who aren't familiar, it's a communication technique based on four components: observations without judgment, feelings (your own), needs (your own), and requests instead of demands. It is generally centered on "I" statements as opposed to "you" accusations and may look like this:
"When you do A, I feel B because I have an unmet need for C. I would really appreciate it if you would do D." Of course you say all this gently without raising your voice.
Communication elements to be avoided because they alienate others are: demands, accusations, judgments, and lack of accountability for your own stuff.
And, caballotierra, just so it doesn't totally look like I'm hijacking (sorry!!), I think learning this technique may just be an essential part of recovering from emotional neglect and abuse and going on to have a healthy relationship. Well, that's my excuse anyway for hijacking.
I, personally, hope that I'll be able to practice this more in the context of a loving, safe friendship where I can hone my relational skills and overcome the negative communication patterns I was in with my ex. I don't want to take my old self into a new relationship. I don't think any of us do. But changing means taking ownership for our role in our SM. I'm not perfect. I stayed in a toxic relationship due to my own deficiencies or short-sightedness or sheer cowardice. I'm working to overcome all of of that.