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Post by caballotierra on Feb 8, 2019 7:27:34 GMT -5
Not sure if this is the right channel, but regardless am putting it out there: had anyone come across resources for healing from emotional neglect or abuse?
I have been thinking lately of those infamous studies of Russian orphan infants who didn’t receive any human touch in formative years and how it severely limited their ability or desire to connect emotionally as adults with other humans. Seems to me that a sexless marriage can do the same—cause a lot of emotional damage.
Has anyone come across books, articles, etc about the healing process?
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Post by shamwow on Feb 8, 2019 8:36:53 GMT -5
It's cliche, but distance and time have been the biggest parts in my recovery.
Find someone to talk to about this too. Therapist, minister, family. The bet cure for lack of human contact is human contact.
Been there, brother. Good luck.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 8, 2019 9:26:04 GMT -5
Bringing into your life people who value you and treat you well is a big part of the healing process. That can include seeing a good therapist.
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Post by flashjohn on Feb 8, 2019 10:51:18 GMT -5
Fucking a lot really helps.
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Post by baza on Feb 8, 2019 20:12:56 GMT -5
I like Brother shamwow 's take on this, But really, dumping people out of your life who deplete it - and embracing into your life those who enhance it - is not such a bad ongoing policy. In so far as working on your feelings about past neglect/abuse, an individual therapist could be money well spent.
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Post by flounder on Feb 8, 2019 20:40:55 GMT -5
It's cliche, but distance and time have been the biggest parts in my recovery. Find someone to talk to about this too. Therapist, minister, family. The bet cure for lack of human contact is human contact. Been there, brother. Good luck. This.
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Post by flounder on Feb 8, 2019 20:41:27 GMT -5
I like Brother shamwow 's take on this, But really, dumping people out of your life who deplete it - and embracing into your life those who enhance it - is not such a bad ongoing policy. In so far as working on your feelings about past neglect/abuse, an individual therapist could be money well spent. And this.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 8, 2019 21:08:53 GMT -5
You asked about books, regarding the healing process? I found " www.goodreads.com/book/show/25513945-say-goodbye-to-crazy to be the most helpful. It convinced me that I had a problem that could be healed. However, it was going to take self determination, sacrifice, and no longer always giving, but finally receiving ( taking). Another good book is " www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995" I also found the people, and books at Divorce Recovery Classes to be helpful. Very helpful before my divorce, and deciding to help myself, and not feel guilty about it. Just realizing that YOU need to HEAL from emotional abuse or neglect, is a BIG step!!
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Post by caballotierra on Feb 8, 2019 21:52:38 GMT -5
Thanks baza shamwow greatcoastal. Don’t know about others experience, but for me even with years of therapy and really good friends, I find this stuff still keeps coming up. I tend to say things like, “Yeah, we couldn’t figure out how to make our marriage work.” But in reality, I need to start saying, “I was emotionally neglected and abused.” It’s totally true, and it takes the normalaxynod the situation away. It didn’t fail because I didn’t try hard enough. Not many places I can think this out loud. Thanks all for the feedback. We’re still living together, in process of divorce. Starting to think I need to move out as soon as possible.
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Post by baza on Feb 8, 2019 22:16:10 GMT -5
Difficult situations these are Brother caballotierra . If you are 'getting out' - then generally the quicker you get away from the source of the abuse/neglect the better - PRESUPPOSSING that your legal advice supports this action. The quicker you get away from the abuse/neglect, then the quicker your healing from it starts.
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Post by elynne on Feb 10, 2019 3:37:21 GMT -5
Not sure if this is the right channel, but regardless am putting it out there: had anyone come across resources for healing from emotional neglect or abuse? I have been thinking lately of those infamous studies of Russian orphan infants who didn’t receive any human touch in formative years and how it severely limited their ability or desire to connect emotionally as adults with other humans. Seems to me that a sexless marriage can do the same—cause a lot of emotional damage. Has anyone come across books, articles, etc about the healing process? If you choose the therapy route - I’d highly recommend EMDR. It’s a form of psychotherapy that uses bilateral stimulation to ‘reset’ or neutralize the painful aspect of the memory. Those memories then stop influencing our current behavior and relationship patterns. I’ve found it to be enormously helpful. I think getting out of the abusive situation is key. Depending on the type of abuse or neglect “going gray rock” can be helpful. Though that is a survival strategy not a healing strategy. But I think the single most healing process would be finding someone who loves you unconditionally- and accepts you exactly as you are. Someone who actually shows you what love is supposed to feel like.
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Post by caballotierra on Feb 26, 2019 21:53:14 GMT -5
Thanks for the suggestion elynne . I haven't heard of EMDR, and will look into it. The memories are plentiful and painful...I've been encouraged to see them more as reminders of what my "dream" has been in the past (as in, family unit). Now that I no longer have that option, I feel it's time to create a new "Dream" and figure out how it aligns with my new emerging self. Thanks also for the "Going Gray Rock" suggestion. Hadn't heard of that, either. But that does seem useful. Love the third suggestion. I have found a few friends who fit that bill, and funny enough, it sets up quite the contrast. It was startling at first to realize how kind women were to me.
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Post by warmways on Feb 26, 2019 23:49:27 GMT -5
I’ve also tried EMDR and found it amazingly helpful. Takes time to heal so be gentle kind and patient with yourself.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 27, 2019 6:31:44 GMT -5
Thanks for the suggestion elynne . I haven't heard of EMDR, and will look into it. The memories are plentiful and painful...I've been encouraged to see them more as reminders of what my "dream" has been in the past (as in, family unit). Now that I no longer have that option, I feel it's time to create a new "Dream" and figure out how it aligns with my new emerging self. Thanks also for the "Going Gray Rock" suggestion. Hadn't heard of that, either. But that does seem useful. Love the third suggestion. I have found a few friends who fit that bill, and funny enough, it sets up quite the contrast. It was startling at first to realize how kind women were to me. The third isn't surprising. It took most of a year for the inner monkey in my head to stop wondering when ballofconfusion was going to stomp on me. Today actually marks the second anniversary of when I first reached out to her after she first posted to the forum. It's been an amazing ride on which both of us feel and give love freely. Finding someone to love and be loved by really puts the idea of "why chasing" to bed.
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Post by elynne on Mar 2, 2019 16:11:03 GMT -5
Thanks for the suggestion elynne . I haven't heard of EMDR, and will look into it. The memories are plentiful and painful...I've been encouraged to see them more as reminders of what my "dream" has been in the past (as in, family unit). Now that I no longer have that option, I feel it's time to create a new "Dream" and figure out how it aligns with my new emerging self. Thanks also for the "Going Gray Rock" suggestion. Hadn't heard of that, either. But that does seem useful. Love the third suggestion. I have found a few friends who fit that bill, and funny enough, it sets up quite the contrast. It was startling at first to realize how kind women were to me. The third isn't surprising. It took most of a year for the inner monkey in my head to stop wondering when ballofconfusion was going to stomp on me. Today actually marks the second anniversary of when I first reached out to her after she first posted to the forum. It's been an amazing ride on which both of us feel and give love freely. Finding someone to love and be loved by really puts the idea of "why chasing" to bed. I wish there was a ‘love’ button instead of just a ‘like’!
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