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Post by workingonit on Feb 5, 2019 18:43:12 GMT -5
My h is uncomfortable (like, freaks out at times!) with me having male friends. For the first few years we were together I actually cut off many of my closest and oldest friends who were male in order to please him. Should have been a warning right there! I once mentioned an open marriage and he did his crying-beaten-puppy thing. I have not brought it up since.
But now we are openly headed toward divorce, both aware it is coming so it is a moot point.
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Post by carl on Feb 5, 2019 19:43:23 GMT -5
I think that the chances of an open marriage working in the situation of a sexless marriage would be very slim. Much more likely to work in a loving relationship than a failed one IMO. Also the idea might seem attractive at times but I don’t think many people would be able to handle it in reality. Having said that a refuser who is hell bent against their partner having sex elsewhere.......not attractive. If I had a good relationship I wouldn’t risk an open one, not that I am against it but I just wouldn’t want the risk.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Feb 6, 2019 0:43:36 GMT -5
I asked my wife once "Would you like me to get this need filled elsewhere?". She didn't respond but the look on her face indicated the answer was "no".
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completelybaked
Junior Member
"I have become comfortably numb" - Pink Floyd
Posts: 29
Age Range: 70+
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Post by completelybaked on Feb 6, 2019 1:40:54 GMT -5
We've had this discussion a few times. While I am not looking for sex outside our marriage (yet), I've been pretty up front that if the opportunity arose, I couldn't/wouldn't be able to turn it down. She says that wouldn't necessarily be the end of the marriage, but it would be the end of sex with her (as if we're not basically there already). She could probably be happy with the companionship, financial security, family cohesion, etc. she could maintain without having to have sex with me. But I would be hard pressed to maintain a relationship when much of my happiness is derived elsewhere.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2019 5:50:52 GMT -5
Speaking as someone presently swinging with her husband while in an SM I can say, for me, it's a double edged sword. My physical needs can be met at a party, but it also reinforces my husband's interest in others - an interest that seems lacking in me. Trying to block out what he's doing and focus on me has been a challenge at times, to say the least.
Also, asking for someone to come to the house to satisfy me presents it's own issues ... how often can I ask? how much am I allowed to enjoy myself without fearing reprisal from my (intimated) H ... both of which would further the distance between us that we are trying to repair. I am convinced outsourcing of any type may help temporarily soothe the ache but will only make the real problems more pronounced.
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Post by javba on Feb 6, 2019 9:00:49 GMT -5
Speaking as someone presently swinging with her husband while in an SM I can say, for me, it's a double edged sword. My physical needs can be met at a party, but it also reinforces my husband's interest in others - an interest that seems lacking in me. Trying to block out what he's doing and focus on me has been a challenge at times, to say the least. Also, asking for someone to come to the house to satisfy me presents it's own issues ... how often can I ask? how much am I allowed to enjoy myself without fearing reprisal from my (intimated) H ... both of which would further the distance between us that we are trying to repair. I am convinced outsourcing of any type may help temporarily soothe the ache but will only make the real problems more pronounced. Hi, I empathize and agree, after outsourcing my needs satisfactorily - it only highlighted what I did not have. You are in an open/ swing style - may have better luck balancing satisfaction with dissatisfaction and perhaps walk on the edge longer? However, we're not getting ONE fuckless day back in life. So while I do support your point of view, your inaction is only losing you time.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 6, 2019 9:51:02 GMT -5
Speaking as someone presently swinging with her husband while in an SM I can say, for me, it's a double edged sword. My physical needs can be met at a party, but it also reinforces my husband's interest in others - an interest that seems lacking in me. Trying to block out what he's doing and focus on me has been a challenge at times, to say the least. Also, asking for someone to come to the house to satisfy me presents it's own issues ... how often can I ask? how much am I allowed to enjoy myself without fearing reprisal from my (intimated) H ... both of which would further the distance between us that we are trying to repair. I am convinced outsourcing of any type may help temporarily soothe the ache but will only make the real problems more pronounced. Hi, I empathize and agree, after outsourcing my needs satisfactorily - it only highlighted what I did not have. You are in an open/ swing style - may have better luck balancing satisfaction with dissatisfaction and perhaps walk on the edge longer? However, we're not getting ONE fuckless day back in life. So while I do support your point of view, your inaction is only losing you time. I agree with having an outsourcing partner: while it can help get your sexual needs filled in the short term, in the long term it does highlight exactly what is missing and for many (me included), it spurs change. IMO that is not a bad thing. For a little while outsourcing made it possible to stay IN my SM, but eventually it made it impossible for me to stay in my marriage (if that makes sense). Originally I had hoped to be able to outsource without sneaking around but my ex made it clear he would not consent to that so it left me no other option. Despite that I still would not change a thing about how my journey transpired. Otherwise I likely wouldn’t be where I am today.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2019 9:51:30 GMT -5
Speaking as someone presently swinging with her husband while in an SM I can say, for me, it's a double edged sword. My physical needs can be met at a party, but it also reinforces my husband's interest in others - an interest that seems lacking in me. Trying to block out what he's doing and focus on me has been a challenge at times, to say the least. Also, asking for someone to come to the house to satisfy me presents it's own issues ... how often can I ask? how much am I allowed to enjoy myself without fearing reprisal from my (intimated) H ... both of which would further the distance between us that we are trying to repair. I am convinced outsourcing of any type may help temporarily soothe the ache but will only make the real problems more pronounced. Hi, I empathize and agree, after outsourcing my needs satisfactorily - it only highlighted what I did not have. You are in an open/ swing style - may have better luck balancing satisfaction with dissatisfaction and perhaps walk on the edge longer? However, we're not getting ONE fuckless day back in life. So while I do support your point of view, your inaction is only losing you time. javba ... thank you for your concern and empathy. That said, I'm not sure why you feel there's 'inaction' on my part. Perhaps you're just not familiar with my story (past and present). Admittedly this will sound cliche and mock-worthy from this forum, but my husband and I are actively discussing the issues and working towards a (hopeful) resolution. I continue to voice my displeasure, he has a doctor's appointment set for next week in which his fatigue and LL issues are to be addressed, and all swinging has been basically halted while we focus on us. That said, I fully acknowledge our issues may not be resolved, but at least we are both working toward the goal of finding an acceptable middle ground for both of us - trying to at least. Contrary to many I see on here, my husband acknowledges the issues and is at least attempting to meet my needs. Last several months, every time I have approached him, he has obliged me. Only being a few months, however, I fully realize we are far far from being in the clear. We may still crash and burn as so many others before me have, but there is still love and affection for one another. To me that's worth exploring all options fully before throwing it all away. So again, much is being done and tried here. Hopefully it isn't all for nothing. Time will tell.
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Post by javba on Feb 6, 2019 10:18:44 GMT -5
Hi, I empathize and agree, after outsourcing my needs satisfactorily - it only highlighted what I did not have. You are in an open/ swing style - may have better luck balancing satisfaction with dissatisfaction and perhaps walk on the edge longer? However, we're not getting ONE fuckless day back in life. So while I do support your point of view, your inaction is only losing you time. javba ... thank you for your concern and empathy. That said, I'm not sure why you feel there's 'inaction' on my part. Perhaps you're just not familiar with my story (past and present). Admittedly this will sound cliche and mock-worthy from this forum, but my husband and I are actively discussing the issues and working towards a (hopeful) resolution. I continue to voice my displeasure, he has a doctor's appointment set for next week in which his fatigue and LL issues are to be addressed, and all swinging has been basically halted while we focus on us. That said, I fully acknowledge our issues may not be resolved, but at least we are both working toward the goal of finding an acceptable middle ground for both of us - trying to at least. Contrary to many I see on here, my husband acknowledges the issues and is at least attempting to meet my needs. Last several months, every time I have approached him, he has obliged me. Only being a few months, however, I fully realize we are far far from being in the clear. We may still crash and burn as so many others before me have, but there is still love and affection for one another. To me that's worth exploring all options fully before throwing it all away. So again, much is being done and tried here. Hopefully it isn't all for nothing. Time will tell. Please accept my humble apologies at incorrect summation. You are active and working on this. I would continue to support along other mbrs to help you thru. I have followed a few of your previous posts - so I though I did have a clear line of sight is how I wrote. Best Wishes and Regards.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2019 10:28:07 GMT -5
javba ... thank you for your concern and empathy. That said, I'm not sure why you feel there's 'inaction' on my part. Perhaps you're just not familiar with my story (past and present). Admittedly this will sound cliche and mock-worthy from this forum, but my husband and I are actively discussing the issues and working towards a (hopeful) resolution. I continue to voice my displeasure, he has a doctor's appointment set for next week in which his fatigue and LL issues are to be addressed, and all swinging has been basically halted while we focus on us. That said, I fully acknowledge our issues may not be resolved, but at least we are both working toward the goal of finding an acceptable middle ground for both of us - trying to at least. Contrary to many I see on here, my husband acknowledges the issues and is at least attempting to meet my needs. Last several months, every time I have approached him, he has obliged me. Only being a few months, however, I fully realize we are far far from being in the clear. We may still crash and burn as so many others before me have, but there is still love and affection for one another. To me that's worth exploring all options fully before throwing it all away. So again, much is being done and tried here. Hopefully it isn't all for nothing. Time will tell. Please accept my humble apologies at incorrect summation. You are active and working on this. I would continue to support along other mbrs to help you thru. I have followed a few of your previous posts - so I though I did have a clear line of sight is how I wrote. Best Wishes and Regards. No worries at all and no apologies necessary javba .... I have been quiet on here the last month or so trying to focus on home and only home. Sometimes the forum is good to help me realize I have it pretty good compared to others and sometimes the forum winds me up and gets me agitated, causing me to force an issue home when it's not ready to be forced. This fine walking of the balance line I'm sure many understand. Thank you for the well wishes. :*)
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Feb 6, 2019 10:34:34 GMT -5
My h is uncomfortable (like, freaks out at times!) with me having male friends. For the first few years we were together I actually cut off many of my closest and oldest friends who were male in order to please him. Should have been a warning right there! I once mentioned an open marriage and he did his crying-beaten-puppy thing. I have not brought it up since. But now we are openly headed toward divorce, both aware it is coming so it is a moot point. Just curious, since you are openly heading toward divorce, will you be changing your name? Your user name that is. Maybe "workingonme" or something along those lines.
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Post by workingonit on Feb 6, 2019 19:13:19 GMT -5
My h is uncomfortable (like, freaks out at times!) with me having male friends. For the first few years we were together I actually cut off many of my closest and oldest friends who were male in order to please him. Should have been a warning right there! I once mentioned an open marriage and he did his crying-beaten-puppy thing. I have not brought it up since. But now we are openly headed toward divorce, both aware it is coming so it is a moot point. Just curious, since you are openly heading toward divorce, will you be changing your name? Your user name that is. Maybe "workingonme" or something along those lines. Hmmm... something to think about. I have a bit of a wait so I will have time to think about it. Thanks for the suggestion!
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Post by flounder on Feb 6, 2019 20:52:32 GMT -5
My h is uncomfortable (like, freaks out at times!) with me having male friends. For the first few years we were together I actually cut off many of my closest and oldest friends who were male in order to please him. Should have been a warning right there! I once mentioned an open marriage and he did his crying-beaten-puppy thing. I have not brought it up since. But now we are openly headed toward divorce, both aware it is coming so it is a moot point. Just curious, since you are openly heading toward divorce, will you be changing your name? Your user name that is. Maybe "workingonme" or something along those lines. Or workingforme?
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Post by baza on Feb 7, 2019 23:32:14 GMT -5
If you are going to have a crack at an open marriage, then you need to be operating from a very stable base of a very functional marriage to cope with the extra strains the open deal will bring to the fore.
As an observation, I don't personally see that many (if any) functional ILIASM deals in here.
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Post by MarianCali on Feb 8, 2019 13:29:54 GMT -5
I have told him I need sex so I'm going to get it. He said as long as I am discrete and he doesn't see it. He has occasionally said something about me going out and accusing me of being with a man. Most of the time it isn't true (although I wish it was the case). One day a few months back I told him so what. What would you do if I was. He said he would do nothing. So I'm being discrete but having a hard time finding someone local as a regular. lol! The one person I would love to have regular sex with lives 1000 miles away and has issues. The last guy I was with was horrible made me miss the 1000 mile away guy even more.
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