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Post by baza on Jan 27, 2019 20:54:42 GMT -5
First, some background .... I posted the below, in italics, as a comment a few hours ago.
The thing is, ANY excuse will do the job of avoiding sex. It doesn't matter whether the excuse is the biggest load of bullshit you ever heard - or if the excuse is God's own truth.
See, the excuse is offered up. In scenario #1 (where the excuse is total bullshit) you accept it. You may well accept it disbelievingly, skeptically, unwillingly, pissed offidly even .... but you do accept it and there is no sex. Mission accomplished. In scenario #2, you call the spouse out on their bullshit excuse, and have a blazing row about it .... and that gets you out of the mood of wanting to fuck your spouse and accomplishes the mission of avoiding sex.
So really, ANY excuse will do.
A plausible excuse = no sex A bullshit excuse that you can't be arsed arguing about = no sex A bullshit excuse that escalates into a fight = no sex
The above is my opinion, and might not be worth a cold pie but I am curious about other members experiences so I have a couple of questions. #1 - if you were pretty certain the excuse was/is genuine, how did/do you respond ? #2 - if you were pretty certain the excuse was/is bullshit, how did/do you respond ?
And #3 - did it make a blind bit of difference ? That is to say did you ever get the spouse to "unrefuse" and fuck you silly ?
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Post by Handy on Jan 27, 2019 21:12:11 GMT -5
#1 If the excuse was real and honestly created a problem for my spouse if I insisted on doing something my way, I usually want along with the excuse. I am not one to get what I want from an unwilling partner.
#2 I would question the excuse but usually still not make the spouse go along with what I want. This methods does get me to lose interest in my spouse and the lose points when they want something. It leads to keeping score which I hear is not good for relationships.
#3 No fucking me silly ever happened. Well yes it did when she wanted to get pregnant, but there was never any refusing with that event.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 27, 2019 21:29:02 GMT -5
# 1& 2 I accepted despite identifying the difference as the knock back is the knock back and I don’t care for pity sex. My H managed to invent a male version of starfish and that was no fun at all. # 3 of no interest as above.
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muzack
Junior Member
Posts: 75
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Post by muzack on Jan 27, 2019 23:30:24 GMT -5
#1 Used to show sympathy and accept a raincheck that I knew probably wouldn't happen. Now not an issue because I don't initiate.
#2 Used to tell her that was't a legitimate reason, have an argument, occasionally led to unsatisfying starfish sex. Now not an issue because I don't initiate.
#3 Occasionally she would have a change of heart and initiate later in the night. That hasn't happened in years.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 28, 2019 4:29:06 GMT -5
I accepted both and was patient with her for most of the marriage. The last year, I strongly challenged both the plausible and the bullshit excuses. Mostly this just led to more animated discussions that went nowhere.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2019 9:02:54 GMT -5
I accepted both and was patient with her for most of the marriage. The last year, I strongly challenged both the plausible and the bullshit excuses. Mostly this just led to more animated discussions that went nowhere. Ditto. Accept for the animated discussions that went nowhere. The discussions got heated. ( me confronting her was not acceptable, especially with facts and truth) I remember being factual. telling her " you avoided and changed the subject. You refuse to answer the questions. Fine , I will answer it for you", and then proceed to speak the truth. That led to her doing more avoiding -literally walking away, disrespectfully, as I was speaking- then would come more of the DARVO. Especially the building of alienation between me and the children. Telling the kids " your father is just a mean, angry person". The 'good' from this? These were major tipping points, that lead to ACTION from me, hence the divorce, and moving forward.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 28, 2019 9:05:48 GMT -5
I accepted both and was patient with her for most of the marriage. The last year, I strongly challenged both the plausible and the bullshit excuses. Mostly this just led to more animated discussions that went nowhere. My experience was similar, however I suspect I had fewer animated conversations. I mean, once I was convinced she was a manipulative liar what point was there in discussion. All I was going to get back was lies. I'd seen Charlie Brown and Lucy growing up and knew how it would end. Instead I began to plan on how to split the football and stop playing the game. The part I fault myself for was 20 years of kicking the football and naively assuming she wasn't lying to me. That's on me.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 28, 2019 10:23:16 GMT -5
Depends on my mood. If I am deeply hurt by the refusal I normally say something nasty like, "whatever your dirty little secret for not having sex is, I hope it is worth it." if not, I try to pretend I am not hurt and try to find a quiet place within me.
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Post by h on Jan 28, 2019 12:09:14 GMT -5
#1, I would and still do accept it and go take care of myself in the shower. #2, Originally I would do the same as above (albiet angrily) and still not say anything. More recently, I call her on it and argue at length. My mindset has changed such that if she's going to intentionally ruin my day with her refusing then it will be at the cost of her day getting ruined with my arguing.
Neither of these have mattered much in a while because I don't initiate much anymore.
#3 has never happened. If she refuses, that's it. There are never any offers of a "rain check" after a refusal nor any interest in making up for it later. The only times she has ever hinted, suggested or made reference to the possibility of sex in the future, she has never once followed through.
Although she has been seriously working on our sex life, she still hasn't broken some of these habits. I suppose time will tell if she is capable of doing so.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 28, 2019 12:12:47 GMT -5
I've never started an argument immediately after a rejection. I don't even want to talk to her at that point.
Now, rejections will eventually culminate in the annual "talk", but if someone gives me the slightest indication they don't want to be with me, fuck them. You don't have to mention that you "have a headache" twice. I'd rather get myself off if we aren't both into it. I just tell myself I'll have more fun with my hand, which is usually true.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2019 14:53:43 GMT -5
First, some background .... I posted the below, in italics, as a comment a few hours ago. The thing is, ANY excuse will do the job of avoiding sex. It doesn't matter whether the excuse is the biggest load of bullshit you ever heard - or if the excuse is God's own truth. See, the excuse is offered up. In scenario #1 (where the excuse is total bullshit) you accept it. You may well accept it disbelievingly, skeptically, unwillingly, pissed offidly even .... but you do accept it and there is no sex. Mission accomplished. In scenario #2, you call the spouse out on their bullshit excuse, and have a blazing row about it .... and that gets you out of the mood of wanting to fuck your spouse and accomplishes the mission of avoiding sex. So really, ANY excuse will do. A plausible excuse = no sex A bullshit excuse that you can't be arsed arguing about = no sex A bullshit excuse that escalates into a fight = no sexThe above is my opinion, and might not be worth a cold pie but I am curious about other members experiences so I have a couple of questions. #1 - if you were pretty certain the excuse was/is genuine, how did/do you respond ? #2 - if you were pretty certain the excuse was/is bullshit, how did/do you respond ? And #3 - did it make a blind bit of difference ? That is to say did you ever get the spouse to "unrefuse" and fuck you silly ? #1 ... when it seems legit, like I know he worked extra hard at work that week or has been sick, then I try to understand and make him feel better. #2 ... when I call B.S., most of the time I have just shaken my head and walked away. Of late, I've gotten better speaking up and calling B.S.. As with my theme as of late, I'm trying to do something different to see what different responses it evokes from him.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 28, 2019 16:08:42 GMT -5
I can’t really even answer this in terms of bullshit vs not bullshit. My ex didn’t really give excuses. He just said “no” straight out or made me feel dumb for being interested. Since I felt stupid, I backed off. So, apparently that worked for him and he stuck with it.
In the earliest years together the excuse would be his back pain. And since I knew how bad his back was (he needed multiple surgeries when we were together) I didn’t question it. I responded with compassion and just swallowed the feelings of rejection and frustration. Now, I’m unsure why I didn’t question not doing ANYTHING sexual — things that wouldn’t hurt him physically. I think it was because when he shut any sexual conversation down so effectively, I became more and more self-conscious about bringing it up as the years went on.
There were times that I’d be so frustrated I’d cry or explode and we’d have a conversation but that never went anywhere either. He’d feel bad and say “I wish things could be different” and I always assumed he was referring to his chronic pain. It wasn’t until almost a decade in that he finally revealed to me the childhood sexual abuse he endured. Before he told me about that he’d “throw me a bone” every once in a great while when he could tell I was about to lose it. But once I knew the truth I never propositioned him again. That worked for him. It did NOT work for me and we split less than 2 years later.
So as far as the “unrefusing” goes: he’d give me an incredibly unsatisfying and intimacy-free pity fuck every now and again but even that stopped. In the last 3+ years of our marriage we had sex only once. Nothing I did or didn’t do would have made a bit of difference.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 28, 2019 16:15:53 GMT -5
Every 6-8 weeks, I'd have a meltdown and get pity sex. I threw things at him, cursed, cried, and yelled.
Nothing worked from day 1.
Lather, rinse, repeat for 2 decades until I divorced him.
Imagine my delight when I had sex at 42 with a willing partner for the first time. Ahhhhh.....
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2019 18:24:57 GMT -5
No 1. When I thought the excuse was genuine, I responded with, sympathy, and caring, by putting my own thoughts, needs, and desires last. ( white knight syndrome- maybe I can help this person, with time) ( always giving) Comments like " I don't like that, that makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't want to do that, I'm not ready for that, don't do that again" Convincing myself with false hope that " maybe she will come around and begin to trust me and want it more with time". OH how wrong I was!! In fact I made the mistake of feeling guilty and selfish. I convinced myself that maybe I was the one being selfish by making sex and intimacy a priority at all! That somehow sex wasn't supposed to be very meaningful and important. Certainly I married her for more than just sex? That there were so many other good things about her. Then the excuses reached no 2. They got more ridiculous. Her avoidance of me grew more and more. Interaction of any kind, with me, faded away more and more. That's when I began to realize her attitude, manipulation, and control over the situation was present in every aspect of our relationship, and would never change. Like surfergirl , imagine my delight to now be with someone who says, " I like everything about you, you don't do anything wrong, I love all of it! Your wonderful! You treat me like no man ever has!"
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Post by workingonit on Jan 28, 2019 18:30:22 GMT -5
This is a weird question for me. I did get excuses that seemed credible for years and I believed them and took whatever crumbs would come my way. Eventually I just got the one excuse "I am just fucked up. I am sorry. Something is wrong with me. I am working on it and it will get better." That was what I heard for 5 years. It is hard to have any reaction to that. If I pushed he would act like a beaten puppy - complete with crying at times. I stopped pushing. Eventually I stopped asking.
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