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Post by smith227 on Jan 26, 2019 10:47:33 GMT -5
What to do when your refuser is ‘trying’. I feel like I know he just needs to empty his balls, and it’s that time again for me to gain a little hope, get 2 minutes of sex and turn back into his roommate. It just sucks bc I get hopeful. I already have an exit plan, and I’m sticking to it bc I know I don’t want to be with someone that I end up hating 90% of the time. It’s just the 10% when he shows a tiny bit of love towards me, it gets me every time. Even though the other 90% is filled with rejection. Constant, open, unrelenting rejection. How do you deal with that tiny bit of hope that seems to light you up, even when you know it’s goung to be short lived. Even when it’s been proven time after time after time that it’s a selfish act, and you’re just a body he’s going to turn over and use and it’s not about intimacy and love. It’s just that it’s been a couple months and he needs to get off. It’s terribly frustrating. I shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to be used sexually every couple of months, when he rejects me every moment of every day...but I do. How do I stop?
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Post by smith227 on Jan 26, 2019 11:36:55 GMT -5
1. Leave 2. Cheat 3. Stay 3.1 Tell him exactly what you just said above and that you are proceeding toward option 1 and follow through if he doesn’t straighten up. 3.2. Keep silent and maintain the status quo. I won’t cheat. It’s just not something I can do. I already have an exit plan in motion, I just need to keep banking money for the next 6-8 months. When I try to talk about it I’m met with a “fuck off” or stonewalled. He’s just trying to make it out like I’m the refuser now, and it’s mildly infuriating at best. And like I wrote, the hopefulness I feel for that day when he’s actually acting like a husband only for him to immediately turn it off after is so hurtful and disappointing. I’m really trying to stick to my decision of not having sex at all without the intimacy and love that should really come along with it in a marriage, but I’ll cave just to not give him the ammunition to have the audacity to call me the refuser. I just don’t know how to deal with this in the meantime. Just for clarity, this man doesn’t touch me beyond putting his penis in me every few months. We don’t kiss, if I accidentally touch him while I’m sleeping I’m immediately woken up and asked to move over. He even keeps a pillow between us when we sit on the couch. Once every couple of weeks he’ll kiss the top of my head when he goes to work, but beyond that he will not touch me. When I write that he’s “trying” that includes him coming up to bed hours after I’ve already been sleeping and rubbing my butt for a few minutes. And because I feel so starved for any kind of affection or attention at all my body responds even if emotionally I’m almost repulsed. It makes no sense.
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Post by Handy on Jan 26, 2019 11:43:04 GMT -5
smith227 I feel like I know he just needs to empty his balls, and it’s that time again for me to gain a little hope, get 2 minutes of sex and turn back into his roommate.
Say that anything sexual has to last 30 minuets or how ever long it works for you and these encounters have to be once or X times a week or month.
The 2 minuets thing is also because he doesn't unload his balls often enough. He needs to unload his balls several hours before he has sex with you. He can do this alone or you could help him, but under no circumstances if you help or he agrees to sex later in the day do you let him off the hook and there needs to be a cost to him is he backs our of a deal. It could be he self pleasures too much and has been conditioned to only "quickies" that don't involve anyone else's feelings or desires.
Also advise your H girls and individual girls work differently than boys and 2 minuets is not enough time for you to bust your nut (orgasm) so he needs to work with you or else you are closing shop. Another thing you should explain is women like and need more than some in-and-out action and add in what you need to be satisfied.
Another thing you could do is go to a porn web site that features home made erotica and pick a video you like and ask your H if he would do something similar with you. One site I know of is yuvutu, add the www. before the address and the .com after. Not everything is normal people doing normal stuff and some videos are commercial porn but there are a lot of average people showing off.
I am sorry to say some men need to be told what to do, shown what to do and have to have someone to actually guide them and do some of the steps together. Some sexual advice people learned is wrong, people vary so anything some people do isn't what their partner wants or needs and the guy thinks xyz is what women want when she really wants abc.
Another suggestion is buy him the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)
OK, that is maybe too much and you want your H to just know what to do. Well some people develop marital issues that interfere with the sexual part of a relationship, people's resentments over a wide variety of issues develop and people develop other interests or have outside problems that kills their sex drive. Bottom line, sometimes it gets complicated and you need expert outside help.
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Post by smith227 on Jan 26, 2019 11:51:46 GMT -5
smith227 I feel like I know he just needs to empty his balls, and it’s that time again for me to gain a little hope, get 2 minutes of sex and turn back into his roommate.Say that anything sexual has to last 30 minuets or how ever long it works for you and these encounters have to be once or X times a week or month. The 2 minuets thing is also because he doesn't unload his balls often enough. He needs to unload his balls several hours before he has sex with you. He can do this alone or you could help him, but under no circumstances if you help or he agrees to sex later in the day do you let him off the hook and there needs to be a cost to him is he backs our of a deal. It could be he self pleasures too much and has been conditioned to only "quickies" that don't involve anyone else's feelings or desires. Also advise your H girls and individual girls work differently than boys and 2 minuets is not enough time for you to bust your nut (orgasm) so he needs to work with you or else you are closing shop. Another thing you should explain is women like and need more than some in-and-out action and add in what you need to be satisfied. Another thing you could do is go to a porn web site that features home made erotica and pick a video you like and ask your H if he would do something similar with you. One site I know of is yuvutu, add the www. before the address and the .com after. Not everything is normal people doing normal stuff and some videos are commercial porn but there are a lot of average people showing off. I am sorry to say some men need to be told what to do, shown what to do and have to have someone to actually guide them and do some of the steps together. Some sexual advice people learned is wrong, people vary so anything some people do isn't what their partner wants or needs and the guy thinks xyz is what women want when she really wants abc. Another suggestion is buy him the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) OK, that is maybe too much and you want your H to just know what to do. Well some people develop marital issues that interfere with the sexual part of a relationship, people's resentments over a wide variety of issues develop and people develop other interests or have outside problems that kills their sex drive. Bottom line, sometimes it gets complicated and you need expert outside help. He knows how to have sex. We used to have amazing sex before we moved in together and got married. I had no idea he’d shut me out entirely. I’m not upset about the two minutes. I could do two minutes at a time a few times a week and be completely satisfied. It’s just that I get absolutely nothing beyond the penis in me when he needs to use my body as a sex doll. And watching porno with him would be like watching it with a family member. Anytime a sex scene happens to come on when we’re watchig tv he picks up his phone and gets on Facebook.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 26, 2019 12:43:38 GMT -5
Many here are doing what I erroneously did when I was still in my SM: What you want is your partner to lust for you and to love making love to you. You think that having such feelings is under their control. But, if your partner lusts for you and loves making love to you, you would not have to beg, manipulate, explain, etc. to get them to make love to you in a way that you enjoy. Once you allow yourself to realize that your partner does not love you that way nor can they force themselves to love you that way (Think about it: Can you force yourself to make passionate, mutually enjoyable love to a person you're not attracted to?) then you will see your marriage for what it is. It is at best a roommate or co-parenting situation that will never become a relationship with the sex you want. Admitting that doesn't mean that there is no hope you will ever have fulfilling sex. It means you will never have fulfilling sex with your current partner.
Admitting that leaves you free to stay, stay and cheat or leave instead of wishing and hoping that either your partner will change or you will be able to adapt to whatever sexual crumbs your partner deigns to give you.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 26, 2019 13:41:14 GMT -5
I just want to give you a big hug smith227. This is terrible. You get zero love or affection that you need, and he uses you to get off when he needs to. When he’s “trying” (i.e. rubbing your butt for a few minutes) do you ever tell him want you want and need? Give details of what you’d like him to do so that it’s enjoyable for you too?
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 26, 2019 14:20:35 GMT -5
Two minutes? Try to make it into a game, and a game you are in total control of.
1) Tie him down spread eagle on the bed. 2) Tie a piece of yarn or shoe lace around his nut sack so that his nuts cannot contract. This will help him last longer. 3) Tease him until he is hard and getting close, then stop. Let him go limp. 4) Repeat number 3, over and over, for at least an hour. Feel free to ride him a bit, but not for long.
5) Now, he should be sufficiently edged. See if he lasts longer. My bet is that you notice a significant difference in his staying power. He can't roll away from you, either.
He may like this game, or he may hate it. Either way, you will know something you don't know now, and you will move a bit further towards resolution.
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Post by csl on Jan 26, 2019 14:22:06 GMT -5
When I write that he’s “trying” that includes him coming up to bed hours after I’ve already been sleeping and rubbing my butt for a few minutes. And because I feel so starved for any kind of affection or attention at all my body responds even if emotionally I’m almost repulsed. It makes no sense. He's not "trying," he's "attempting"; not the same thing. Deploy a pillow, just like he does.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 26, 2019 15:41:21 GMT -5
What to do when your refuser is ‘trying’. I feel like I know he just needs to empty his balls, and it’s that time again for me to gain a little hope, get 2 minutes of sex and turn back into his roommate. It just sucks bc I get hopeful. I already have an exit plan, and I’m sticking to it bc I know I don’t want to be with someone that I end up hating 90% of the time. It’s just the 10% when he shows a tiny bit of love towards me, it gets me every time. Even though the other 90% is filled with rejection. Constant, open, unrelenting rejection. How do you deal with that tiny bit of hope that seems to light you up, even when you know it’s goung to be short lived. Even when it’s been proven time after time after time that it’s a selfish act, and you’re just a body he’s going to turn over and use and it’s not about intimacy and love. It’s just that it’s been a couple months and he needs to get off. It’s terribly frustrating. I shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to be used sexually every couple of months, when he rejects me every moment of every day...but I do. How do I stop? (((Hugs))). That was horrible.
You need to have a talk with him about how to meet your needs. If he is unwilling to discuss it or allow you to show him what makes you happy, it's time to draw up an exit plan, because he will never meet your needs. Otherwise this is the way it's going to be for as long as you put up with it. Trust me, I've done it for 20 years, but no more. Please don't waste your precious life with someone who isn't willing to become a better lover for you.
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Post by baza on Jan 26, 2019 18:27:15 GMT -5
As is pretty usual in stories here, I think what you need to do is get your focus off your dud spouse and his unamusing behaviours, and get your focus on yourself ... where you want to be in say 3 months time, 6 months time, 12 months time, 5 years time. And the choices you make today need to be consistent with your future aims ... even if such choices involve some short term difficulty and pain.
Is playing the role of his masturbatory aid every so often a choice that is consistent with what you want in your future ?
Is he even in the frame when you visualize your future ?
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Post by smith227 on Jan 26, 2019 21:14:12 GMT -5
I just want to give you a big hug smith227. This is terrible. You get zero love or affection that you need, and he uses you to get off when he needs to. When he’s “trying” (i.e. rubbing your butt for a few minutes) do you ever tell him want you want and need? Give details of what you’d like him to do so that it’s enjoyable for you too? I absolutely love it when you respond bc I’ve read a lot of your posts on here and I think we have/had similar refusers. I’ve had the “talk” with him several times now. It’s not about the lasting 2 minutes, it’s about him thinking that doing that a couple times a month constitutes a romantic relationship and now that I’m not allowing myself to be used, he’s calling me the refuser. I’ve tried talking to him several times. He shuts down or tells me to fuck off and that I’m trying to cause problems. I do have an exit plan and I don’t see him in my future, it’s just financially it’s going to take me 6-8 months. Thank you everyone for responding.
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Post by smith227 on Jan 26, 2019 21:21:19 GMT -5
When I write that he’s “trying” that includes him coming up to bed hours after I’ve already been sleeping and rubbing my butt for a few minutes. And because I feel so starved for any kind of affection or attention at all my body responds even if emotionally I’m almost repulsed. It makes no sense. He's not "trying," he's "attempting"; not the same thing. Deploy a pillow, just like he does. Thank you. That didn’t even occur to me as I’d rather just not sleep in the same bed at all, but when I sleep in the spare room he gets upset and tells me he guess we’re just roommates now. As if we’re not already. I’ll start tonight.
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Post by baza on Jan 26, 2019 21:32:11 GMT -5
Something to think on Sister smith227 . He has, apparently, labelled you as the "refuser" .... so what ? Hell, let's even assume that as far as he's concerned, you are the "refuser" .... so what ? There comes a point in these dysfunctional situations where it no longer matters who was/is refuser or refused.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 26, 2019 23:24:27 GMT -5
smith 227 said: "I’d rather just not sleep in the same bed at all, but when I sleep in the spare room he gets upset and tells me he guess we’re just roommates now. As if we’re not already. I’ll start tonight."
Good. In reality, you are just roommates. Might as well have your sleeping quarters reflect that.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 26, 2019 23:35:22 GMT -5
He's not "trying," he's "attempting"; not the same thing. Deploy a pillow, just like he does. Thank you. That didn’t even occur to me as I’d rather just not sleep in the same bed at all, but when I sleep in the spare room he gets upset and tells me he guess we’re just roommates now. As if we’re not already. I’ll start tonight. The financials have made it hard for me as well, but I decided to at least set the date and see where I am at that point. It's not some unambiguous date now. It's real and that way it's moving me forward on my exit plan. Good luck and keep us informed. We're here to support you. You and I may be starting our new lives around the same dates.
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