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Post by saarinista on Feb 7, 2019 0:57:21 GMT -5
I guess I'm a counterrefuser now because I find myself avoiding those pecks and air kisses from my h too, not to mention any cuddling in bed. Not only are they pointless and creepy, but they make me scared that he might actually try to do more than kiss me. In reality, I think he's trying to placate me to avoid a divorce.
Really, he doesn't even need to go to the trouble of kissing me chastely to do that. I'm loathe to hurt him (or me) by breaking up our living arrangement at this stage of our lives. It's just really sad. I have told him I feel like we're siblings at this point, and he'll agree, but then he'll say he loves me and doesn't want to be without me. I love him too, but as a friend. What a mucked up mess. 😩
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Post by Handy on Feb 7, 2019 1:09:06 GMT -5
Saarinista, I am just guessing that some people have sexual desires on a long interval basis, like once every 5 years and maybe your H is one of those 5 yr guys where it feels good to him to kiss or cuddle with you on a how ever lengthy basis that suits him and his relationship intimacy drive. The 5 years was just to dramatize the event.
The trouble is, we have deen hurt so often by being rejected we just want to avoid being in a potential spot to experience more hurt.
Twenty years my W said her desired sexual frequency would be 4 times a year and I was thinking 2x a week was my minimum.
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Post by workingonit on Feb 7, 2019 7:11:29 GMT -5
I guess I'm a counterrefuser now because I find myself avoiding those pecks and air kisses from my h too, not to mention any cuddling in bed. Not only are they pointless and creepy, but they make me scared that he might actually try to do more than kiss me. In reality, I think he's trying to placate me to avoid a divorce. Really, he doesn't even need to go to the trouble of kissing me chastely to do that. I'm loathe to hurt him (or me) by breaking up our living arrangement at this stage of our lives. It's just really sad. I have told him I feel like we're siblings at this point, and he'll agree, but then he'll say he loves me and doesn't want to be without me. I love him too, but as a friend. What a mucked up mess. 😩 Good Lord I could have written this. I tolerate thise damn forhead kisses but that is it. And yes, hurting him is lile stabbing myself. A tragic mess that I believe will get sorted but the inbetween is painful.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 8, 2019 22:32:27 GMT -5
Saarinista, I am just guessing that some people have sexual desires on a long interval basis, like once every 5 years and maybe your H is one of those 5 yr guys where it feels good to him to kiss or cuddle with you on a how ever lengthy basis that suits him and his relationship intimacy drive. The 5 years was just to dramatize the event. The trouble is, we have deen hurt so often by being rejected we just want to avoid being in a potential spot to experience more hurt. Twenty years my W said her desired sexual frequency would be 4 times a year and I was thinking 2x a week was my minimum. kissing and cuddling isn't sex though. it's not even necessarily sexual. we're just not on the same page erotically. yet he's a good person who has been a dutiful husband. in a way, he feels like a parent which is a turnoff. but I don't want to hurt him. oh, fuck! 😭😂😭
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Post by Handy on Feb 9, 2019 0:07:36 GMT -5
Saarinista, if your H feels like he is your parent, does that indicate he is too responsible an doesn't know how to have fun?
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Post by tirefire on Feb 9, 2019 8:33:08 GMT -5
I guess I'm a counterrefuser now because I find myself avoiding those pecks and air kisses from my h too, not to mention any cuddling in bed. Not only are they pointless and creepy, but they make me scared that he might actually try to do more than kiss me. In reality, I think he's trying to placate me to avoid a divorce. Really, he doesn't even need to go to the trouble of kissing me chastely to do that. I'm loathe to hurt him (or me) by breaking up our living arrangement at this stage of our lives. It's just really sad. I have told him I feel like we're siblings at this point, and he'll agree, but then he'll say he loves me and doesn't want to be without me. I love him too, but as a friend. What a mucked up mess. 😩 That sucks. I'm sorry. Make sure you are staying for you, not for him. This is your one life.
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Post by Carol on Feb 10, 2019 14:00:02 GMT -5
I guess I'm a counterrefuser now because I find myself avoiding those pecks and air kisses from my h too, not to mention any cuddling in bed. Not only are they pointless and creepy, but they make me scared that he might actually try to do more than kiss me. In reality, I think he's trying to placate me to avoid a divorce. Really, he doesn't even need to go to the trouble of kissing me chastely to do that. I'm loathe to hurt him (or me) by breaking up our living arrangement at this stage of our lives. It's just really sad. I have told him I feel like we're siblings at this point, and he'll agree, but then he'll say he loves me and doesn't want to be without me. I love him too, but as a friend. What a mucked up mess. 😩 That sucks. I'm sorry. Make sure you are staying for you, not for him. This is your one life. I know exactly how you feel. My situation is the same. The major problem I’m having is that I do like my husband. He’s a good guy, we have great time together and are great friends. Just no sex to speak of and the thought of having sex with him has no appeal to me at all. It’s a very difficult position to be in as the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 11, 2019 2:57:34 GMT -5
That sucks. I'm sorry. Make sure you are staying for you, not for him. This is your one life. I know exactly how you feel. My situation is the same. The major problem I’m having is that I do like my husband. He’s a good guy, we have great time together and are great friends. Just no sex to speak of and the thought of having sex with him has no appeal to me at all. It’s a very difficult position to be in as the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him. That is, indeed, a major problem. I certainly understand loving our refuser and not wanting to hurt them. I was there, myself, for decades. My refuser had no problem hurting me, though. I guess that was a blessing. Once I realized how little she really cared, it was easy to detach. I've had revelations from friends and relatives since about things she has said that make it really easy to not love her anymore. My situation might have been much more of a basket case, but, you say you don't want to hurt him. A healthy sex life has all sorts of health and psychological benefits. Is he trying to fix his problem, or is he happy wasting away and letting you do the same? What is he doing to not hurt you?
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 11, 2019 9:53:37 GMT -5
Carol said: “I know exactly how you feel. My situation is the same. The major problem I’m having is that I do like my husband. He’s a good guy, we have great time together and are great friends. Just no sex to speak of and the thought of having sex with him has no appeal to me at all. It’s a very difficult position to be in as the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him.”
Why do both of you consider his feelings more important than yours? Why is it ok for you to remain with a man who hurts you?
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Post by carl on Feb 11, 2019 21:25:34 GMT -5
I have a similar counter refusal feeling now. The other day I sensed my wife subtly being a bit more sexually friendly. I just thought what the fuck, after 10 years or more of refusing sexual contact as much as possible she just decides she’ll change tact with no explanation no conversation. Just keep me on hold for 10 years then one day expect me to leap into action. I would need some very longs chats about what the hell happened first.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 11, 2019 22:54:26 GMT -5
I have a similar counter refusal feeling now. The other day I sensed my wife subtly being a bit more sexually friendly. I just thought what the fuck, after 10 years or more of refusing sexual contact as much as possible she just decides she’ll change tact with no explanation no conversation. Just keep me on hold for 10 years then one day expect me to leap into action. I would need some very longs chats about what the hell happened first. carl, I basically said that same thing to my ex back when we were still “working on it” and he was SHOCKED. It never occurred to him that I’d also need some therapy to get over this massive chasm he had created in our marriage and had taken for granted that I would just be there waiting for him to someday want me sexually, with no changing feelings towards him after all that time. Nope. I found it to be a very self-centered viewpoint towards our relationship.
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Post by carl on Feb 12, 2019 8:52:09 GMT -5
@choosinghappy. And then after the casual reset sex it would be like going through rejection all over again most likely when things just relapsed back to refusal. I think my W misses turning me down. But I won’t be turned down again and if I don’t get a very good explanation she will never be allowed close to me sexually.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 19, 2019 0:18:02 GMT -5
It's not Iike I don't love my husband. I care about him as a person and I respect him. I even find him mostly likeable and once in a while, fun! There's nothing "wrong" with him any more than there's anything "wron" with me, I suppose.
There's just very little chemistry between us and sexually, we never did really click. I just kept thinking that the seeming (now definite) lack of chemistry was no good reason not to marry him, so I did. he's a decent, kind man on the whole and I thought well, that should be enough.
In many ways he is good to me. I don't know; I suppose a lot of people would just say that at 58 I should just hang it up. (though actually the sex hug up like 9 or 10 years ago.😭😭😭) But I feel like I haven't really lived yet! I've been so busy trying to repair my messed up career or take care of my parents or fix my psyche that I haven't had much fun. I suppose having fun is a first world concern. I just really don't have a soul mate, and maybe never will.
No one is owed anything by this world, and I'm grateful for the good qualities my husband does have (he likes to cook, he works in the yard,he's good with out dogs, he doesn't drink or gamble or beat me, he loves to read about history, he's a decent fellow) and sometimes, I think maybe I'm mentally deranged; that really I'm wildly "in love" with him and I'm just too messed up to let myself feel it.
But then I think back to how our relationship started and got serious (at his request and my acquiescence) so quickly. He had been through a horrible divorce a couple of years earlier which devastated him financially, spiritually and emotionally and the fallout of that came down on me too.
I am a naturally sympathetic person and since I felt that he wanted me and that I could perhaps make his life happier, things got serious very quickly. I think we were just never able to have time to get to know one another and have fun because we had both been through too much sadness previously and were too old. And now we're 20 years older! Fuckitall.
On top of that, our basement leaks and we've spent half the winter wet vacuuming water.
But hey, it could be worse. We could live in Nebraska.
Sorry, all. I hope I didn't hijack this thread.
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