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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2019 21:18:24 GMT -5
Over the years (EP and now this group) I have not seen too many stories along the lines - "I am in an ILIASM deal but it is turning around" or "I was in an ILIASM deal but turned it around" There have been such posts that I recall - credible ones too - but boy are they rare. I can recall a few, erring on the plus side, mebbe 10 (over the past 9 years).
Another type of story seldom seen is a post along the lines - "I got out of my ILIASM deal and it was a really bad choice which has made me even unhappier" These are REALLY rare. I can't actually remember seeing one.
Have you sighted any of these rare posts ?
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Post by Handy on Jan 18, 2019 22:02:56 GMT -5
Over 10 years ago there was one man around 62ish that was in marriage counseling and told his W he was going to be in a sex positive relationship in a year and he hoped it was with his W. The MC started to work on the W, asking her if she would be OK with a D or would she like to be the H's future sex partner. It took MC and a sex therapy and some compromises on both sides. That is the best turn around I have read about on any forum in 15 years. The H found the right mix of counselors (some of the best = John Gottman style).
Other marriages did better for a while then back slid or the couple are doing their own things almost independent of each other or are D.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 18, 2019 22:23:39 GMT -5
Never seen one "turned around" story. No matter if the relationship was abusive or everything was perfect except for the sex. The more time I spend here, while it is comforting, the more I am beginning to realize refusers just don't change. At least not long term. I always thought, we love each other, so it has to turn around. Or, after THIS annual "talk", she will really wake up. Now I realize it's not a matter of her "waking up", because I'm the one who's asleep.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 19, 2019 7:11:27 GMT -5
I have seen one turn-around story on another forum, which happened because they started watching porn, and discussing their likes and dislikes. This is obviously not a universal path to a happy resolution for most of us.
There was one turn-around story here, and one on another board, where the husband turned out to be a cuckold but would not divulge this to his wife. Both had no interest in having sex with a woman that nobody else was fucking. Again, two outlier examples of success whose example will not apply to most of us.
Sadly, on another board, another woman had been given permission to outsource, then her husband used that to berate her. It was not a cuckold thing, but just more evidence of the toxicity of their relationship.
I have no idea how many hundreds and hundreds of examples these three successes have been pulled from.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 25, 2019 15:45:27 GMT -5
I consider @shynjdude ‘s story a turn around. Last I heard things were still going well with his marriage. I do hope that will continue. My assumption is that if we never hear from him again then it means things continue to be good. If he comes back here, it might be to relay the end of the marriage.
I don’t know of any other turn around stories.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 25, 2019 15:47:15 GMT -5
As for any stories where someone seems unhappier out of their marriage than in, I recall Caris seemed unhappy. I hope that is not the case though. Other than that, despite some challenges, most who have left (myself included) are virtually ecstatic with their new lease on life.
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Post by baza on Jan 25, 2019 17:04:10 GMT -5
As for any stories where someone seems unhappier out of their marriage than in, I recall Caris seemed unhappy. I hope that is not the case though. Other than that, despite some challenges, most who have left (myself included) are virtually ecstatic with their new lease on life. Sister Caris actually responded directly to this in a thread late last year. I hope I quote her accurately here but she said something like - "things haven't gone great since we split up, but none the less I don't regret doing what I did". Footnote. Sister Caris former husband passed on subsequent to their parting ways.
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Post by Handy on Jan 25, 2019 18:59:13 GMT -5
I read some of Caris posts and got the idea she had a bit too many negative outlooks on life. Was that her nature or did her situation spin her posts to reflect things were better but not all that good? I read people's stories and mentally place myself in their position and their refuser's position. Is each side realistic, is each side wanting too much or not enough and so on. I don't think if i was in a relationship with Caris it would have worked. I know two good people do not always work together. No reflection on Caris, but that is my take on the little I read about her. At first reading Caris's posts, I thought I might mentally have been a fit but in the end I had my doubts. I was hoping we could help each other on the forum because something clicked with me in the beginning, then I recognized it wasn't going to happen. Again was it her situation or something else. BTW,when I read about new paradise relationships I sometimes mentally in my mind for myself, put the brakes on those relationships because people tend to be in the honeymoon phase and limerance adds to the excitement with the new partner, especially because the old relationship was so devoid of joy and pleasure. I always hope the new, hot relationship continues.
Don't get me wrong, I really like to hear how happy people become when they meet a compatible partner. I like happy stories, so keep sharing your happy stories.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 25, 2019 19:28:47 GMT -5
I would say that I am slightly worse off, if I consider not being completely alone as better than being completely alone. At least I had somewhat of a family life, as empty and unfulfilling as it was. But I also don’t have a lot of regret.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2019 20:11:58 GMT -5
Another type of story seldom seen is a post along the lines - "I got out of my ILIASM deal and it was a really bad choice which has made me even unhappier"These are REALLY rare. I can't actually remember seeing one. Have you sighted any of these rare posts ? My getting out was a bad choice, that made me unhappier -- at least in the time-frame under study.
I had left, moved away and attempted online dating for about a half-year, and I was terrible at it. In the bargain, I had traded rejection by one person for rejection by the masses. Given what I knew at the time, my choice to return to the SM was rational.
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Post by baza on Feb 2, 2019 20:29:47 GMT -5
If your choice to return to your ILIASM deal is making you happier, then all power to you Brother @islandtime .
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Post by elynne on Feb 3, 2019 5:07:58 GMT -5
I consider @shynjdude ‘s story a turn around. Last I heard things were still going well with his marriage. I do hope that will continue. My assumption is that if we never hear from him again then it means things continue to be good. If he comes back here, it might be to relay the end of the marriage. I don’t know of any other turn around stories. I second choosinghappy ‘s assertion. The last I heard from Shynjdude his relationship had turned around, they had rebuilt communication, were honest with each other and treated each other respectfully, their sex life was good! But it takes a lot of courage and both partners have to be willing to work at it, to face the shit they have been avoiding and to handle it bravely and with integrity. That doesn’t seem to happen often.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 3, 2019 11:40:54 GMT -5
I can remember from EP a woman that decided her SM was to be preferred over being out on her own. She only lasted about a month or so before she returned to her H. She stopped posting after that.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 3, 2019 13:38:38 GMT -5
Works for me:I remember from EP the woman with a verbally abusive husband. She rented an apartment, had a panic attack the first night there, decided to return to her husband and then she deleted all of her stories.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 3, 2019 16:39:47 GMT -5
Works for me:I remember from EP the woman with a verbally abusive husband. She rented an apartment, had a panic attack the first night there, decided to return to her husband and then she deleted all of her stories. It could be the same woman. It's been so long since that posting that I can't remember the specifics. I just remember she left and then posted about how it wasn't working for her and that she was returning to the marriage. And she deleted her account soon after.
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