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Post by sadkat on Jan 15, 2019 20:07:03 GMT -5
My husband and I watch a lot of shows and movies together. We sit on separate couches/chairs across the room from one another. We’ve seen many sex scenes and I’ve felt increasingly uncomfortable- especially since I’ve decided I’ve had enough and no longer want to be married to him. I no longer desire him as a lover so it really is like watching sex scenes with your brother....
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 15, 2019 20:23:19 GMT -5
It is something to think about, deadzone75 . Your reaction, I mean. For so long I was just believing that at some point things would improve with my husband. I have had a few turning points that lead me to understand that there is no fixing our relationship. One of them was last year when we were following the advice of our therapist and having these long hugs, some cuddling. I realized that his touch felt...brotherly. Just...not sexual at all. I realized that he had been a source of sexual frustration and suffering for so long that my subconscious just stopped thinking of his as a sexual partner - even a potential one. Probably a protective instinct against all the rejection. When you said it felt like sitting with your mother it reminded me of that moment of insight. Just a thought for you. Gives new meaning to Netflix and "chill", huh? Maybe I should turn on the parental option to weed out any R-rated material when she is watching with me. Then I can watch the other shows after hours.
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Post by baza on Jan 15, 2019 20:46:36 GMT -5
Baza It's a great example of how something pretty simple in a normal marriage (like viewing a movie) can be an angst ridden bad experience in an ILIASM shithole.I agree and I used to do almost exactly what Deadzone75 did and thought, without asking my W how she felt. It didn't get me anywhere not asking back then and now things are much more screwed up that i don't see anything getting better. My W is so dead-set that sex is all about men's pleasure at a woman's expense. Besides, my W is so hormone deficient I doubt anything would trigger her desire or willingness. What sometimes keeps me sane is reading about post by Shamwow, and more recently Greatcostal sexual escapades. Add in several women's new sexual adventures. All I hear locally from women is mostly anti-sexual and men are trouble/leaches and/or a responsibility. Your missus' (and other people you associate with) view that sex is - "all about men's pleasure at a woman's expense" is a perfectly legitimate viewpoint to take, for them. There is nothing inherently "wrong" in someone adopting this position. If that is their reality then that is their reality. No-one is going to convince them otherwise, indeed it isn't even anyone else's job to try and convince them otherwise. If you hold a different view of the subject, there's nothing "wrong" with that position either. The question then becomes whether these different viewpoints are an annoyance with which you can live, or a dealbreaker. And there's no "right" or "wrong" in this either. shamwow and greatcoastal regarded the matter as a dealbreaker. Other members in similar situations regard the matter as an annoyance. They are all "right".
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 15, 2019 22:18:39 GMT -5
My advice would be to not to avoid it. Let it remind you of where you are.
The first time anything clicked with me was not at a movie. It was at church. The pastor had a sermon series on sex, and when he declared that "Christian married sex is the best sex ever," it struck me. The whole congregation broke out in applause, including my wife, and I looked incredulously at her, at the pastor, and at the crowd, and theorized everyone else was having a great sex life but me. Those words ate on me. For the next six months they rang in my head so loud that I could only hear them whenever he gave a sermon. It was like God himself telling me, "can you hear me, NOW?!" It was a critical turning point.
Since you found your way to this forum, you have already had some turning point. I think uncomfortable moments like that move the situation toward resolution, if even slowly. That beats staying stagnant and miserable.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 16, 2019 0:15:44 GMT -5
My advice would be to not to avoid it. Let it remind you of where you are. The first time anything clicked with me was not at a movie. It was at church. The pastor had a sermon series on sex, and when he declared that "Christian married sex is the best sex ever," it struck me. The whole congregation broke out in applause, including my wife, and I looked incredulously at her, at the pastor, and at the crowd, and theorized everyone else was having a great sex life but me. Those words ate on me. For the next six months they rang in my head so loud that I could only hear them whenever he gave a sermon. It was like God himself telling me, "can you hear me, NOW?!" It was a critical turning point. Since you found your way to this forum, you have already had some turning point. I think uncomfortable moments like that move the situation toward resolution, if even slowly. That beats staying stagnant and miserable. That would be quite a gut-punch. I'm assuming you had already made your case to her at this point, that she knew your frustration? And yet she dared to applaud that comment in front of you?
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2019 2:38:13 GMT -5
My advice would be to not to avoid it. Let it remind you of where you are. The first time anything clicked with me was not at a movie. It was at church. The pastor had a sermon series on sex, and when he declared that "Christian married sex is the best sex ever," it struck me. The whole congregation broke out in applause, including my wife, and I looked incredulously at her, at the pastor, and at the crowd, and theorized everyone else was having a great sex life but me. Those words ate on me. For the next six months they rang in my head so loud that I could only hear them whenever he gave a sermon. It was like God himself telling me, "can you hear me, NOW?!" It was a critical turning point. Since you found your way to this forum, you have already had some turning point. I think uncomfortable moments like that move the situation toward resolution, if even slowly. That beats staying stagnant and miserable. That would be quite a gut-punch. I'm assuming you had already made your case to her at this point, that she knew your frustration? And yet she dared to applaud that comment in front of you? She knew, but I think she knew she was in control of the situation. And, as for applauding, I have no idea what narcissistic thoughts were going through her mind, but I am sure she still believes today that her pristine pussy is somehow special above all other women, and therefore the best ever, to be doled out on a quarterly schedule only once married to a man that can afford to support her lifestyle.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 16, 2019 15:58:45 GMT -5
That would be quite a gut-punch. I'm assuming you had already made your case to her at this point, that she knew your frustration? And yet she dared to applaud that comment in front of you? She knew, but I think she knew she was in control of the situation. And, as for applauding, I have no idea what narcissistic thoughts were going through her mind, but I am sure she still believes today that her pristine pussy is somehow special above all other women, and therefore the best ever, to be doled out on a quarterly schedule only once married to a man that can afford to support her lifestyle. Haha, I would have been thinking about standing up as soon as the appause was done, looking her square in the eyes and walking out.
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Post by Handy on Jan 16, 2019 18:22:29 GMT -5
I attended a church service where the topic was "Sex for 30 Days, every day." I wanted to e-mail the pastor informing him some marriages are sexless and the better topic would have been to give a sermon on someone in the marriage not wanting sex, and what to do about it, but I didn't.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 16, 2019 18:35:31 GMT -5
Handy do you really think he doesn't know? I am sure that is part of WHY he is doing the sermon. If the sermon does not address current hot button issues for the congregation they will not get the attendance or feedback that they want. They are always angling for hot button/sexy topics. I guarantee you he knows.
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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2019 19:14:24 GMT -5
I attended a chorch service where the topic was "Sex for 30 Days, every day." I wanted to e-mail the pastor informing him some marriages are sexless and the better topic would have been to give a sermon on someone in the marriage not wanting sex, and what to do about it, but I didn't. Theoretically Brother Handy , had you sent this email, what would you have suggested as far as - "what to do about it" goes ?
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Post by Handy on Jan 16, 2019 19:27:49 GMT -5
Workingonit, I suspect the pastor hears about men or women that want MORE sex but I suspect the pastor thinks most people were like him and doing it at least a couple times a month or weekly or more often. No mention of 4 times a year or any other number lower or slightly higher and how that frequency could affect the marriage.
This particular pastor is a no holds bared type of guy. He had services based on adultery and had couples involved in past affairs as guest speakers and had re-remarriage / re-commitment services for them. He has done crazy stuff to prove points. Some people have wondered if he had any limits on non-leathal activities or subjects. He is the opposite of the Milk-Toast, calming type. His special music events were too loud and so unconventional, I left one service because my heart was beating too fast. All that was missing was the LSD or weed or what ever is the popular drug at raves, if raves are still the thing with people that want to "trip out.".
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Post by Handy on Jan 16, 2019 19:38:37 GMT -5
Baz, I didn't expect this pastor to do anything different but if he ever had a similar service in the future, he should address the the technically sexless marriages as a specific segment. His main theme was more sex, usually improves a marriage. It was all about what was considered normal and upping the sexual part of the relationship to make it better. Like I said, nothing was even mentioned about the low end of the sexuality scale, just normal and above. I quit almost all religious activities because I came from a fundamental background and most of that eventually got me to where I am today. Do the right things according to the Good Book, don't do what you want, respect others, don't impose on others, let others go first, no throw downs, some types of sex might be a sin, pray about things and you will be rewarded and so on.
Sorry, that got me to be in the servant's position and near the low end of the pecking order.
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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2019 19:52:09 GMT -5
Baz, I didn't expect this pastor to do anything different but if he ever had a similar service, he should address the the technically sexless marriages as a specific segment. His main theme was more sex, usually improves a marriage. It was all about what was considered normal and upping the sexual part of the relationship to make it better. Like I said, nothing was even mentioned about the low end of the sexuality scale, just normal and above. I quit almost all religious activities because I came from a fundamental background and most of that eventually got me to where I am today. Do the right things according to the Good Book, don't do what you want, respect others, don't impose on others, let others go first, no throw downs, some types of sex might be a sin, pray about things and you will be rewarded and so on.
Sorry, that got me to be in the servant's position and near the low end of the pecking order. I was just curious as to what your thoughts were in regard to "what you'd suggest" Brother Handy . I'm not real interested in what the pastor said, but I am very interested indeed in what you would have suggested. TBH, I figure that most active members here know way way more about living in sexless marriages than your average pastor/counsellor and are far more likely to have some useful advice/observations/suggestions.
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Post by Handy on Jan 16, 2019 21:44:17 GMT -5
Baza, what the ILIASM group has experienced and could advise would overwhelm some "church people." You know, if I would have sent that e-mail with my name and phone number I don't think there would have ever been a modified "sex everyday" sermon. I have been in churches similar and had advice from what might be considered a deacon. The questioning went, do you pray xyz, do you treat your W like Jesus treats the church, and the zinger "DO you practice -----SELF ABUSE------IE > masturbate. That is what happened in one church before the church that gave the sex every day sermon/talk. The sex sermon church has a marriage counselor and he has some so called helpers. Well, I visited with the so called marriage counselor and I got a Bible and some Bible verses to back up to me being a better christian, pray more and problem solved. BTDT and things got worse about 20 years prior in the first fundamental church my W picked out. Anyway, my take on the sex everyday from my point of view was to point out people get too busy with work, taking kids to activities, both parents working so they can pay for things and generally being too busy to put much energy into the marital relationship. More sexual activity was good way to avoid growing apart and allowing other things to come before your partner. As far as help for ILIASM type people it was similar to the French people that didn't have enough bread when some smart ass said "let them eat cake." en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Let_them_eat_cake
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2019 23:39:39 GMT -5
Urgh. "Self abuse."
I cannot count the number of tech manuals I have had my nose in, but they all are written with good intent yet fall into one of three categories: incomplete, incorrect, or misleading. The same goes for religious instruction. They take one event in the old testament about spilling his seed and one phrase in the new testament that thinking about it is sinful also and suddenly what we would call, perhaps, self love, is equivalent to self-flagellation or cutting. Just, no, no, no! Can we please have yet another Reformation?
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