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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 15, 2019 15:17:04 GMT -5
So I was watching Netflix last night with the refuser, and we were watching a show called "You". There came about a sex scene, and I realized I felt very awkward, almost like I was watching it in front of my mom. I don't know exactly what it means, but I know it isn't good. Now, we've been in the same room before during t.v. sex scenes, but this was different because we were on the couch and touching each other. I almost felt like I should turn it off, or move away from her. In my mind I could imagine her thinking...I hope he doesn't get any ideas from this. I should have turned off the t.v. and apologized to her...Sorry you had to see that, I know how offensive sex is to you.
Or maybe it was because the girl in the sex scene was hot, and I found myself yearning for sex, and not with my refuser.
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Post by Handy on Jan 15, 2019 15:38:44 GMT -5
Why not ask your W what she thought about the scene? She could have shared her opinion and you could have talked about you rejected you feel.
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Post by baza on Jan 15, 2019 16:08:36 GMT -5
It's a great example of how something pretty simple in a normal marriage (like viewing a movie) can be an angst ridden bad experience in an ILIASM shithole.
It is no way to live.
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Post by Handy on Jan 15, 2019 17:04:19 GMT -5
Baza It's a great example of how something pretty simple in a normal marriage (like viewing a movie) can be an angst ridden bad experience in an ILIASM shithole.
I agree and I used to do almost exactly what Deadzone75 did and thought, without asking my W how she felt. It didn't get me anywhere not asking back then and now things are much more screwed up that i don't see anything getting better. My W is so dead-set that sex is all about men's pleasure at a woman's expense. Besides, my W is so hormone deficient I doubt anything would trigger her desire or willingness.
What sometimes keeps me sane is reading about post by Shamwow, and more recently Greatcostal sexual escapades. Add in several women's new sexual adventures.
All I hear locally from women is mostly anti-sexual and men are trouble/leaches and/or a responsibility.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 15, 2019 17:48:28 GMT -5
Why not ask your W what she thought about the scene? She could have shared her opinion and you could have talked about you rejected you feel. A few years ago, I might have asked. Today, no way. If I were to ask, she would see it as an advancement. She would give me a weird look and shrug her shoulders. Then she would desperately try to change the subject, fearing I would ask for sex.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 15, 2019 17:58:52 GMT -5
What a landmine field on your couch!! I would have that too if we ever watched anything together, which we really do not.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 15, 2019 18:18:51 GMT -5
...Or maybe it was because the girl in the sex scene was hot, and I found myself yearning for sex, and not with my refuser. It's not unusual for us to loose sexual interest in our refuser. I think of it as operant conditioning, like Pavlov's dogs but in reverse. We get turned down and disappointed to the point that we lose interest in playing their game. So, congratulations to your refusing wife. She is now well on her way to getting what she asked for. Counter-rejection.
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Post by Handy on Jan 15, 2019 18:23:37 GMT -5
Workingonit ...if we ever watched anything together,...Which is part of the reason I only watch the dinner time news and "Sixty Minuets" when my W is around. Deadzine75, about the same thing here used to happen. I didn't know your situation was that bad, that is why I suggested you two each give your individual opinions about the movie. My W watches the "Hallmark Channel sort of romance skits, where the woman plays the independent female that doesn't need a man but the guy persists and she falls for him. Her favorite movie series is "The Thorn Birds" and I think that any woman that wants a priest as a lover is barking up the wrong tree so why bother? To me it shows people want what they can't have, that is why I see it as a waste.
What Ironmaster said "Counter-rejection"
In college I was in a motivation class to help DD kids train them work habits. We used small rewards to reinforce good behaviors by increasing the time between rewards but knew if the time between rewards was too long, the client would give up. The technical term we used for going too long between rewards was the "extinguishing desired behavior" phase.
Too many rewards lead to poor improvements. Sometimes the reward got old and didn't work, and too few rewards lead to the client giving up. It was a very iffy process.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2019 18:38:59 GMT -5
Baza It's a great example of how something pretty simple in a normal marriage (like viewing a movie) can be an angst ridden bad experience in an ILIASM shithole.I agree and I used to do almost exactly what Deadzone75 did and thought, without asking my W how she felt. It didn't get me anywhere not asking back then and now things are much more screwed up that i don't see anything getting better. My W is so dead-set that sex is all about men's pleasure at a woman's expense. Besides, my W is so hormone deficient I doubt anything would trigger her desire or willingness. What sometimes keeps me sane is reading about post by Shamwow, and more recently Greatcostal sexual escapades. Add in several women's new sexual adventures. All I hear locally from women is mostly anti-sexual and men are trouble/leaches and/or a responsibility. ballofconfusion and I were chatting along these lines this weekend. It has taken me such a long time to fully understand that not all women see sex as rape-lite and many - gasp - enjoy and even crave it. They see it as essential to a healthy relationship. Not part of a bait and switch upon exchange of rings. Of course my sample size prior to BOC was my ex wife, so you can understand my naive and inaccurate conclusions.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 15, 2019 18:52:57 GMT -5
What a landmine field on your couch!! I would have that too if we ever watched anything together, which we really do not. I was definately wishing I had picked the recliner. And I'm sure she was thinking the same.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2019 19:20:13 GMT -5
I know that awkwardness very well. I understand the silence and not asking your wife about it, too. For me right now I am trying to change my behavior to see if it evokes any change in my husband. I've spent the last 7 years with him quiet and not asking questions, which only led me to assumptions and speculation which were often (I've recently learned) incorrect. I am trying to speak up and say what is on my mind more, and learning to not automatically assume what he is thinking or feeling or wants and instead just ask directly (calmly but directly). He asked me to do this during our last talk. It seems to be helping - me at least, if not him. When it's all said and done, taking steps like this and changing my behavior will either be a part of the reason why my marriage continues or be my proof that ending it is the right decision. Either way, I feel better, and after many years of silent tears, me feeling better has become my priority. I guess that said, doing "something different" is different for everyone. For me, I must speak up more. For you, maybe silence and walking away is changed behavior. All I know for certain is that if nothing changes, then nothing changes.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2019 19:20:50 GMT -5
It's never happened at my house for two reasons. 1) My W fast forwards past anything like that and comments on the degradation of society. 2) We never sit on the same couch.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 15, 2019 19:31:06 GMT -5
It is something to think about, deadzone75 . Your reaction, I mean. For so long I was just believing that at some point things would improve with my husband. I have had a few turning points that lead me to understand that there is no fixing our relationship. One of them was last year when we were following the advice of our therapist and having these long hugs, some cuddling. I realized that his touch felt...brotherly. Just...not sexual at all. I realized that he had been a source of sexual frustration and suffering for so long that my subconscious just stopped thinking of his as a sexual partner - even a potential one. Probably a protective instinct against all the rejection. When you said it felt like sitting with your mother it reminded me of that moment of insight. Just a thought for you. Gives new meaning to Netflix and "chill", huh?
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Post by carl on Jan 15, 2019 19:39:29 GMT -5
The last awkward sex scene was when I was watching a film with my wife and there was a woman giving some oral sex. My wife looked at it as if it was an everyday thing but I have never had oral sex and I just felt totally awful. Not because I yearn particularly for oral sex ,obviously it would feel amazing ......(fuck this life) but it’s just the mentality. My wife would definitely think that most guys would get a lot out of a BJ but I have never even suggested it. Oh well.
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Post by carl on Jan 15, 2019 19:45:01 GMT -5
It is something to think about, deadzone75 . Your reaction, I mean. For so long I was just believing that at some point things would improve with my husband. I have had a few turning points that lead me to understand that there is no fixing our relationship. One of them was last year when we were following the advice of our therapist and having these long hugs, some cuddling. I realized that his touch felt...brotherly. Just...not sexual at all. I realized that he had been a source of sexual frustration and suffering for so long that my subconscious just stopped thinking of his as a sexual partner - even a potential one. Probably a protective instinct against all the rejection. When you said it felt like sitting with your mother it reminded me of that moment of insight. Just a thought for you. Gives new meaning to Netflix and "chill", huh? I think rejection eventually flicks the switch to off or rather cuts the wires permanently.
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