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Post by smith227 on Jan 11, 2019 11:35:00 GMT -5
While sex has never been often with my husband, it was at one time so very intimate the few time that we would have it. After a few months of noticing that we only had sex once a month, twice if I was lucky and pointing it out, the intimacy during sex went away too. It became clumsy and awkward. Then I began to notice that he’d also go weeks without touching me, yet he’s incredibly affectionate with his cats. We never kiss. When we sit next to each other it’s with at least a couple feet of distance and if I accidentally touch him in bed I’m asked to move over. I get the excuse that it’s too hot. But here’s the thing. Around once a month he will rub my back if we sit next to each other on the sofa and I know it’s going to lead to around 5 minutes of sex. It’s like clockwork. I’ve tried to talk to him and tell him I need him to touch me and kiss me and treat me like a romantic partner, and he either turns it into a fight and tells me I’m emasculating him or he says he’ll try and then never does. At this point the maybe once a month sex is more frustrating than anything and I’ve told him that when he tries. I’ve also told him that I never ask him to touch, hold or kiss me anymore and he never just willingly does it, so why would he ask me to to have sex with him the few times he can bring himself to stop playing video games or browsing the internet before 7am and come to bed. And like I said, that happens around once a month and involves him coming to bed around 5 hours after I’ve alrwady gone to bed. He gets in bed and rubs my butt for a couple minutes, doesn’t bother to kiss me or touch me beyond his hand on my Buttcheek and it’s over within a couple minutes. I know he’s not cheating, and we do get along very well as friends. Presently I’ve stopped the infrequent sex that he sometimes throws my way bc I’d rather not have sex at all instead of having that hopeful/rejected feeling all the time that makes me resent him. There’s so much more but I feel like I’m rambling. I’m 40 and he’s 43. We don’t have kids together and we’re both heathy. Then he gets irritated with me when I tell him that I’ve never had a relationship with no physical intimacy and I’m trying to find ways to sustain it. He thinks that the once a month 2 minute sessions with no kissing and little contact constitute a romantic relationship. So, when I don’t feel like being used as a flesh light he says “fine. I guess we’ll just be roommates”. He doesn’t seem to think that we already are just roommates. Roommates that have sex a few times a year. Most recently I was in a car accident that put me in the hospital overnight. He came and stayed with me the entire time but not once did he bother to touch me. He was very supportive with his words, but stayed a good 3 feet from me the entire time. All I wanted was to be held just a little bit. I don’t know what to do besides build up that mental wall and succumb to the fact that we’re more like brother and sister than husband and wife. It’s the only way I don’t constantly feel rejected by him.
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Post by h on Jan 11, 2019 13:26:27 GMT -5
It's very sad to think about, but I think that your self assessment is accurate. His behaviors won't change unless HE wants them to. The touch avoidance is the most telling behavior. He is obviously repulsed by physical contact. That specific behavior will be nearly impossible to change without professional therapy. What course of action is best for you is entirely up to you but one thing is certain: you can't change him. You only have control over yourself. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of. I hope it helps you. Keep posting.🙂
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 11, 2019 13:53:04 GMT -5
smith227 said: "I don’t know what to do besides build up that mental wall and succumb to the fact that we’re more like brother and sister than husband and wife. It’s the only way I don’t constantly feel rejected by him."
He is what he is, and you can't change him into a person who enjoys touch. He also can't change you into a person who doesn't need touch.
You will need to figure out if the benefits of being married to him outweigh the fact that he will never be the physically intimate partner that you expected.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 11, 2019 14:19:43 GMT -5
Consider yourself fortunate you have no kids with him. It opens many more options.
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Post by smith227 on Jan 11, 2019 16:24:27 GMT -5
smith227 said: "I don’t know what to do besides build up that mental wall and succumb to the fact that we’re more like brother and sister than husband and wife. It’s the only way I don’t constantly feel rejected by him." He is what he is, and you can't change him into a person who enjoys touch. He also can't change you into a person who doesn't need touch. You will need to figure out if the benefits of being married to him outweigh the fact that he will never be the physically intimate partner that you expected. I know there is no changing him, but what I don’t understand is how he can be so affectionate with his 2 cats? It’s like adding insult to injury when I see him sleeping with a cat on his chest when he hasn’t touched me in weeks.
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Post by sadkat on Jan 11, 2019 16:26:18 GMT -5
I’m very sorry you are going through this. Most of us on this forum have similar stories. Do you know what he is doing when he stays up after you go to bed? Is he playing video games or browsing the internet? If he is browsing the internet, do you know what he is looking at?
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Post by smith227 on Jan 11, 2019 16:45:35 GMT -5
I know he looks at Reddit constantly. I know he’s not on dating websites and am confident he doesn’t cheat on me. I just either repulse him by even existing or he’s just not at all interested in sex or affection. The biggest problem being is that since I’ve stopped the maybe once a month, 2 minute sex that includes no kissing or foreplay at all and makes me feel incredibly used and as bad as it sounds, hopeful, does that now make me the refuser and just like him? How can he possibly think that bc he spends a few minutes every month or so, for lack of a better term, with his penis touching me for a couple minutes, makes what we have a romantic and affectionate marriage? But he does think that. And that I’m now the reason for our sexless and non affectionate relationship? All bc I can only handle so much rejection within my own marriage, so I started protecting myself and disengaging from the few minutes a month that make me hopeful yet ultimately always disappointed. An open marriage isn’t an option and I will not cheat. I just need an exit strategy and now isn’t the time. Thank for all the responses. I’m so sorry all of us are dealing with this.
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Post by sadkat on Jan 11, 2019 16:59:19 GMT -5
smith227. My husband is a porn addict and behaves in a manner very similar to your husband’s. That’s why I asked the question. I struggled with the rejection, self blame, and guilt for over 20 years before I finally just gave up. I’m in the process of leaving now. You are right, if your husband does not desire you and cannot meet your needs for intimacy and affection, chances are not good that things will improve in your marriage. Making the decision to leave is not an easy one to make (in my case, it took 20 years). Please know you will find the support you need here, regardless of the decision you make. Feel free to continue to share your struggles with us.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 11, 2019 17:09:52 GMT -5
While sex has never been often with my husband, it was at one time so very intimate the few time that we would have it. After a few months of noticing that we only had sex once a month, twice if I was lucky and pointing it out, the intimacy during sex went away too. It became clumsy and awkward. Then I began to notice that he’d also go weeks without touching me, yet he’s incredibly affectionate with his cats. We never kiss. When we sit next to each other it’s with at least a couple feet of distance and if I accidentally touch him in bed I’m asked to move over. I get the excuse that it’s too hot. But here’s the thing. Around once a month he will rub my back if we sit next to each other on the sofa and I know it’s going to lead to around 5 minutes of sex. It’s like clockwork. I’ve tried to talk to him and tell him I need him to touch me and kiss me and treat me like a romantic partner, and he either turns it into a fight and tells me I’m emasculating him or he says he’ll try and then never does. At this point the maybe once a month sex is more frustrating than anything and I’ve told him that when he tries. I’ve also told him that I never ask him to touch, hold or kiss me anymore and he never just willingly does it, so why would he ask me to to have sex with him the few times he can bring himself to stop playing video games or browsing the internet before 7am and come to bed. And like I said, that happens around once a month and involves him coming to bed around 5 hours after I’ve alrwady gone to bed. He gets in bed and rubs my butt for a couple minutes, doesn’t bother to kiss me or touch me beyond his hand on my Buttcheek and it’s over within a couple minutes. I know he’s not cheating, and we do get along very well as friends. Presently I’ve stopped the infrequent sex that he sometimes throws my way bc I’d rather not have sex at all instead of having that hopeful/rejected feeling all the time that makes me resent him. There’s so much more but I feel like I’m rambling. I’m 40 and he’s 43. We don’t have kids together and we’re both heathy. Then he gets irritated with me when I tell him that I’ve never had a relationship with no physical intimacy and I’m trying to find ways to sustain it. He thinks that the once a month 2 minute sessions with no kissing and little contact constitute a romantic relationship. So, when I don’t feel like being used as a flesh light he says “fine. I guess we’ll just be roommates”. He doesn’t seem to think that we already are just roommates. Roommates that have sex a few times a year. Most recently I was in a car accident that put me in the hospital overnight. He came and stayed with me the entire time but not once did he bother to touch me. He was very supportive with his words, but stayed a good 3 feet from me the entire time. All I wanted was to be held just a little bit. I don’t know what to do besides build up that mental wall and succumb to the fact that we’re more like brother and sister than husband and wife. It’s the only way I don’t constantly feel rejected by him. So your entire marriage has consisted of infrequent sex? Was it always that way, even before marriage? The intimacy just up and ceasing, coupled with his late night "browsing" and waking you up for sex, would seem to indicate he has found someone or something online and only comes to you when he gets wound up enough over whatever it is he is doing there. I would look into that, as Sadkat suggested. As far as the cats, that's a different kind of affection. My wife loves on our cats (not as much as I do), but treats me like a roommate.
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Post by smith227 on Jan 11, 2019 17:24:17 GMT -5
We’ve been together for a year and 8 months. Married for 8 months. The first 6 months we were together the sex wasn’t frequent, but it was at least once a week and it was very good and intimate. After we moved in together was when it showed down to whenever he feels like coming to bed around once a month. If anything he’s asexual. I have no fear that he’s getting himself wound up by anything he’s looking at online or the car video games he’s playing all night is getting him all reared up to come up to bed and have sex for a couple minutes. Maybe I’m an idiot, though. I don’t really trust my judgement at this point. I’d like to think if I had any sense I wouldn’t be in this situation.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 11, 2019 19:07:38 GMT -5
smith227 said: "I don’t know what to do besides build up that mental wall and succumb to the fact that we’re more like brother and sister than husband and wife. It’s the only way I don’t constantly feel rejected by him." He is what he is, and you can't change him into a person who enjoys touch. He also can't change you into a person who doesn't need touch. You will need to figure out if the benefits of being married to him outweigh the fact that he will never be the physically intimate partner that you expected. I know there is no changing him, but what I don’t understand is how he can be so affectionate with his 2 cats? It’s like adding insult to injury when I see him sleeping with a cat on his chest when he hasn’t touched me in weeks. Gay?
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Post by ballofconfusion on Jan 11, 2019 20:39:41 GMT -5
I know there is no changing him, but what I don’t understand is how he can be so affectionate with his 2 cats? It’s like adding insult to injury when I see him sleeping with a cat on his chest when he hasn’t touched me in weeks. Gay? Funny...my ex-husband turned out to be gay. He did this and it drove me absolutely bonkers. He was SO DAMN affectionate to the darn CAT!! Of course he wouldn’t touch me. But, he constantly cuddled, stroked, cooed and fawned over the cat. Yuck. I had forgotten how much I despised that behavior in him. It truly made my skin crawl. I second Shammy’s question. Gay?
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Post by smith227 on Jan 11, 2019 20:53:13 GMT -5
Well, I have a vagina that he only seems interested in as a last resort...So, I guess it’s possible.
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Post by smith227 on Jan 11, 2019 20:55:36 GMT -5
Funny...my ex-husband turned out to be gay. He did this and it drove me absolutely bonkers. He was SO DAMN affectionate to the darn CAT!! Of course he wouldn’t touch me. But, he constantly cuddled, stroked, cooed and fawned over the cat. Yuck. I had forgotten how much I despised that behavior in him. It truly made my skin crawl. I second Shammy’s question. Gay? It drives me insane. He once told me that nothing feels better to a man than the weight of a cat on his chest. I couldn’t even dignify it with a response.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 11, 2019 21:22:19 GMT -5
Smith227 said: " It drives me insane. He once told me that nothing feels better to a man than the weight of a cat on his chest. I couldn’t even dignify it with a response."
!!!!!!!! What are his redeeming qualities?
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