|
Post by choosinghappy on Jan 19, 2019 20:30:07 GMT -5
I chose to leave. It has been 7 months now and I can truly say it was quite painless. We both wanted out, we have remained amicable on all fronts and are navigating our way through co-parenting. I do not miss him and I certainly do not miss being married to him. I have become more “myself” since we split. I am paying attention now to what *I* want to do, what makes me happy, how I want to live my life, and how I want to show up in the world. Sometimes I find that I feel a bit ashamed that I let myself become such a shell of my former self all because I was in a crappy, sexless marriage. I feel like the true me is starting to shine more and I’m having fun trying new things (like taking up Tai Chi and finally starting piano lessons), doing things I’ve always loved (like kayaking and singing), and going new places and planning more travel and adventures. I’ve also found an incredible partner in tirefire. We both are damn lucky and I know he is part of the reason I am so happy these days. He enhances my life every time we’re together (or even just talking!). And DAMN is it nice to finally be with someone you click with completely! And sexually, our connection is so amazing it is beyond what I thought was realistically possible. It is truly as incredible as I thought it would be, to finally be with someone who loves and craves touch and sex and intimacy as much as I do, and who gives and receives love in the same way (the love languages). We are helping to heal each other. It’s not without its challenges though: TF and I are long distance so that is tough, and we both also have kids so there are always lots of moving pieces in order to get together. But it is SO worth it. And it’s also a challenge being a single mom now. But for me, the single parenting thing is more a mental change than a real, physical one because the truth is, my ex was gone so often for work and we were so disconnected that I was basically already operating as a single mom even when married. Now it is actually a bit easier for me because I no longer have the mental anguish of the SM added onto all the other difficulties that come with parenting, and in particular, parenting a child with special needs. It’s a lot at times and I’ve had to learn how to be better about asking others for help when I need it. But what is easier is that I no longer have the illusion of having a partner in the day to day parenting (and associated frustrations and resentment when expectations were consistently unmet), and so it is good for my psyche to KNOW that the buck stops with me. It’s hard but I also welcome the clarity. Another positive change was selling our family home and buying my own for myself and my son. I love having my own place that feels like me. The other house was my dream home. Yet I don’t miss it. I honestly don’t miss anything about being in my marriage. (But I also realize a large contributing factor to that is that I am very lucky to not have any financial concerns. I know that is not typical.)
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Jan 19, 2019 21:24:59 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone who has responded so far. I hope this thread will continue to be updated by those who have gone through the process so that those of us who are thinking or planning our exits can see the realities involved by those who have done it. I think it's really important and an eye opener as well as encouragement for someone like myself who is working my exit plan to visualize the possibilities of a happier future. That's why I started this thread. It just popped in my mind one morning as I was dreading yet another lonely day of my SM existence.
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Jan 20, 2019 0:41:29 GMT -5
Well, I'll be the first to pipe in with some downsides. But remember, I am only 7 months out.
The most shocking AGONIZING thing was being immediately replaced with my ex-husband's girlfriend. I wondered, "What the hell is he going to do with a girlfriend? Fuck her?"
It was and still is incredibly hurtful and beyond belief. My ex got the primary residence, and the thought of him moving in another woman to the house I raised my children in while he was gone 2-3 weeks a month, is insulting. It hurts like hell.
Yeah, I've had my flings, but I've never dated with kids in custody. However, my ex flies to see his girlfriend in another state while leaving home my minor children (it's legal) overnight. My mind is exploding with grief and pain; I now have no control to go get my babies.
I never saw this coming. I mean....we were sexless on the wedding night. I never thought he'd pull this kind of shit.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 20, 2019 1:24:51 GMT -5
It actually reads, Sister surfergirl , confirmation of just what an inspired choice it was on your part to offload this bloke, given his behaviours leading up to and subsequent to the split. But like it or not he is entitled to conduct himself as he sees fit, whether you like it or not. He is your EX husband. And you are also entitled to conduct yourself as you see fit, whether he likes it or not. You mentioned at one point that his and your primary residences are pretty close to each other. Presumably the kids could - if they chose to - come over to your place during his absences. Like you say, you are 7 months out, and you are still quite focused on him and (understandably) quite angry with him. Better days lie ahead Sister. How is YOUR life going since the split ?
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jan 20, 2019 2:12:50 GMT -5
surfergirl said: "I never saw this coming. I mean....we were sexless on the wedding night. I never thought he'd pull this kind of shit. "
Just because he has a girlfriend doesn't mean he's fucking her. He was sexless on his wedding night even though you were virgins. I'm sure people thought you were fucking like rabbits then just like you seem to think he is now.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jan 20, 2019 2:31:53 GMT -5
Surfergirl, your XH could be with a woman that doesn't like sex and think your XH is the perfect gentleman for not pressuring her to have sex with him.
Then 5 years later she is bummed out because he won't have sex with her or touch her. Those stories are all over the Internet.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 20, 2019 9:39:17 GMT -5
surfergirl said: "I never saw this coming. I mean....we were sexless on the wedding night. I never thought he'd pull this kind of shit. " Just because he has a girlfriend doesn't mean he's fucking her. He was sexless on his wedding night even though you were virgins. I'm sure people thought you were fucking like rabbits then just like you seem to think he is now. EXCELLENT point!
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Jan 20, 2019 9:43:54 GMT -5
Well, I'll be the first to pipe in with some downsides. But remember, I am only 7 months out. The most shocking AGONIZING thing was being immediately replaced with my ex-husband's girlfriend. I wondered, "What the hell is he going to do with a girlfriend? Fuck her?" It was and still is incredibly hurtful and beyond belief. My ex got the primary residence, and the thought of him moving in another woman to the house I raised my children in while he was gone 2-3 weeks a month, is insulting. It hurts like hell. Yeah, I've had my flings, but I've never dated with kids in custody. However, my ex flies to see his girlfriend in another state while leaving home my minor children (it's legal) overnight. My mind is exploding with grief and pain; I now have no control to go get my babies. I never saw this coming. I mean....we were sexless on the wedding night. I never thought he'd pull this kind of shit. Surfergirl, totally get this. I was amazed at how fast I was replaced. I've been able to let go of many of my feelings about the marriage and the home where we lived (and he and new wife now live) is just a house to me. However, seeing him happy with someone new is painful at times. Maybe they are pretending at happy like when he and I were married, maybe she doesn't care about having sex, who knows. I know deep down I'm better without him, and I have no regrets leaving, but it so does hurt sometimes to see him happy knowing what he put me through...{{hugs}}
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Jan 20, 2019 14:10:06 GMT -5
He won't allow them. He fights for custody time, and then uses it to see his girlfriend. It would be appropriate to send the children to my house since we live on the same street. However, this is just more evidence that he is out for CONTROL, not the best interests of the children.
My life in every regard is PERFECT and wonderful.....except for the one nagging problem of dealing with the ex. He takes up 100% of my headspace with his games. This is a problem I'm trying to work out in therapy. He doesn't return the children on time, but my attorney says we need a pattern before he will get anything more than a slap on the wrist. He still gaslights, blames, and starts war with me. I divorced him but he's like an STD I can't get rid of since I'm stuck 50/50 co-parenting. I saw a psychotherapist, as I needed drugs for all the crying and pain this is causing, and he told me, "You know you are dealing with a sociopath, right?"
He continues to make my life hell, has no remorse, and jabs me every chance he gets. He finds pleasure in my pain.
Otherwise, if it weren't for him, I'd have a very envious life -- good friends, income that is passive, a company that is running itself in my absence, a new entrepreneur's group I joined that I LOVE, and my kids are wonderful. I'm taking my adult kids to the Caribbean in March. So lots of good. But the ex is the 1% that poisons everything.
Just as an example, I cut off my mother many years ago for her abuse (physical, mental, emotional). My mother set my sister's barbies on fire when we were kids, and almost beat my younger sister to death. So my mother is not just "annoying", but actually evil. After our divorce, my ex went to visit her. He also visited my step-father. He is on a smear campaign to destroy my character, and for the most part, it's working. Our church leadership sided with my ex. It's insane.
While I am on bare minimum contact with him and only as it pertains to the kids, he is still after me for hurting his ego by divorcing him. The psychotherapist said, "He will not stop until he destroys you fully."
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 20, 2019 15:04:58 GMT -5
What has changed since leaving my ex?
Well Valentines Day is coming up. A good example of the positive changes I was hoping for, and do the work to achieve.
it will no longer be a day of avoidance, nothing, Hallmark materialism, etc...
Instead I have a new girlfriend, a lover. We have already discussed that just being together with intimacy, friendship, respect, trust and...sex, is something to remember appreciate and hold at a high value!!
Even if I hadn't met someone ,I would enjoy the peace of not having the burden of avoiding all the fake happiness in the name of " keeping the peace".
On those same notes of improvements, my daughter had her first ROTC ball the other day. I was with her (Christmas time) picking out her dress and shoes.
My new girlfriend was here at the house when my daughter was getting ready. my girlfriend told my daughter, " you look beautiful, so pretty, you look lovely, that fits you so well, I have a dress just like that, can I help you with your makeup?" ( her younger sister helped her too)
I took photos of her, loaned her my car, had it all cleaned up for her, etc... It was her first night out on her own. She recently got her driver's license.
This morning I received a full report. As expected, she had a wonderful time, and received a SLEW of compliments. She humbly admitted, she was the best dressed, most attractive girl there!!
Here's the relevance in this. She also stopped in, on her way to the dance, to show her mother her dress. I asked her " what did your mom say?"
Her response? " She liked it." I asked" did your brothers say anything?" She informed me, " they were not at home. T was there and he stayed in his room". She then told me " I went next door and wanted to show my dress to Mrs. C. . She really liked it, and said how beautiful I was!"
Notice the difference in all the responses? Mom said " it was nice". ( my daughter spent way more time with the neighbor. Wouldn't you?) Again, no giving. About as bland, safe, and nothing a response as possible. This from Ms ex, Ms,never wear a dress, no make up, jewelry, hairstyle etc.. dull, bland, and boring.
More confirmation that " I made the right choice". My daughter notices these things too.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 20, 2019 15:19:03 GMT -5
Dear surfergirl @ Fortunately you are no longer living in the FOG about him being a sociopath. Getting confirmation that he will not stop until he destroys you fully, is a great step in the right direction! I hope the next step/steps you take ,will continue to weaken his control over time. Document everything !, Stick to only the bare minimal amount of communication possible. Hopefully , you allowing the older teens to slowly see the difference in the two of you, will help them in their decisions. Please continue to strengthen your boundaries ( eventually, consequences with help from the law) I hope you will continue to distance yourself from him, his ways, and his past influence on you, as you and the kids continue to burn away the useless underbrush, and plant new seeds in the fresh newly revived soil. To thine own self, be true! PS: A few months back, it was my daughters week to be with their mom. My daughter had a verbal fight with her mom. She called me, in tears, and asked if she could come stay with me. I did not hesitate to go get her ( we only live 2 miles from each other). I later lovingly suggested she try to spend a week with her mom, and that things will pass and hopefully get better. This was part of our divorce settlement, that because our kids where going to be almost 18, and turning 16, that they can have a voice in who they stay with. Maybe that's something to discuss with your attorney? It's sad how many parents put their " revenge agendas" ahead of their child's well being. Kids deserve to have as many people loving them as possible- without being made to feel guilty about it!
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jan 20, 2019 17:48:12 GMT -5
Surfergirl He (XH) fights for custody time, and then uses it to see his girlfriend.
That sounds exactly like my daughter's XH. Anything he can fabricate to make my daughter and sometimes me, look bad, he does it. If the kids have an activity he didn't sign up for, he won't take them to that activity and bitches if my daughter comes to get the kids because "it is on his time" and that creates a new argument. The 14 yr old got a job at McDonald's but he wouldn't take her so I did but that was cutting in on his authority and undermining his authority.
I found that the less my daughter's XH knew about her life and especially any man in my daughter's life, the better off she was.
Keep as much secret about any man you see or talk to That applies to any money you spends on the kids if he gives you money for their benefit. My daughter's XH found out how she spent some child support money and it turned into a pissing match. Your mileage may vary.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2019 20:24:27 GMT -5
I've been thinking about this question and actually sat down to reply a few times but never finished. I live in the same house, so that was not a change I had to deal with. But here's what has changed for me:
- My budget is just a tiny bit tighter, but nothing I can't manage with some frugal tricks.
- I work full time now. I used to either stay home, go to school, or be able to work part time - working full time is a change I've been more than happy to make. I love my career.
- I no longer walk on eggshells in my own home.
- I am no longer hated in my own home. I felt my ex's contempt regularly, and that is an ugly cloud to have to live under.
- I don't have a knot in my stomach each night wondering what I will get when I come home (or when ex used to walk in the door).
- There is no alcohol (and no alcoholic) in my home.
- The children are more relaxed.
- I don't get to see my son on weekends very much. He's with his dad - that part I hate.
- I am in the process of changing my name and everything associated with that - bank accounts, credit cards, every single thing that has my name/address on it. It's a little bit of work, but fully worth the effort for me to step into my new identity. And honestly, every time I see my new name, I get a jolt of happiness.
- I have so much more energy and joy for life.
- I am proud of my independence and ability to take care of myself (I manage the house, kids, bills, work, etc. all alone - something my ex told me many times I'd never be able to do). Turns out, I am quite competent!
- Now that I am through the initial transition of ex moving out (which I'll admit was hard for a few weeks), I am honestly, truly, consistently happier. Everyone I talk to tells me that - "You look so happy!" "You seem so much happier!" "You're in a great place." "You're at the top of your game." "I've never seen you this happy!" etc...
- Did I mention I'm HAPPY!? Happier than I have been in 21 years, when I first met my ex. I completely lost myself to this marriage. Now, I am finding ME again and I love her!
So, those are the changes in my life since leaving my SM. I can't tell you what a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I honestly did not know how happy I could be... until he left. And now, I see how much I was suffering and I wonder - why did I do that to myself? My biggest regret now is not leaving years ago.
Is my life perfect? Hell no. Is it a zillion times better than it was? A resounding YES!!!
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Jan 12, 2020 23:51:08 GMT -5
Any updates to this choosinghappy?
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 13, 2020 14:24:58 GMT -5
The most shocking AGONIZING thing was being immediately replaced with my ex-husband's girlfriend. I wondered, "What the hell is he going to do with a girlfriend? Fuck her?" This is something I write often about. I'm a late 40's dating man in a metropolitan city. My survey size is getting to be fairly large. My ex-wife did similar, setting up an ad for an asian boy toy, the day after our agreement to separate, literally hours after she engaged me on what we should do about other partners until we could arrange physical separation, and agreeing we'd take some time off to let it air out. I've met and dated quite a few women who were in marriages and thought they were sexually frigid, only to discover a robust and experimental appetite post-marriage. And I've met women whose husbands did the same as yours. It's why I tend to think this "aesexuality" theory is bullshit we agree to because our hearts can't let us conceive of the ugly truth, which is that in almost all of these "low drive" cases, it's more a case of how a partner has come to see the other, or how a partner has come to see the circumstance of being married to them.
|
|