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Post by solodriver on Jan 5, 2019 16:10:23 GMT -5
I read this today and maybe it will help clarify for some of us in SM the difference between romantic love and unconditional love and how we can separate the two when we are going to need to leave our SM. I believe we have a few members in our group who have been able to do this and are much happier since being able to do this.
"If we think about unconditional love as the "expression of our kindest self," it can be maintained even if a relationship does not survive. You might know couples who still love each other but are no longer together. If a relationship is hurting you more than it is good to you, it is okay to feel unconditional love but let the relationship go. Unconditional love is basic goodness and the total acceptance of someone, but it does not mean tolerating abuse, neglect, or other deal breakers. What about the less clear area of falling out of love with someone? If you still show them unconditional love, you will find a way to kindly and gently end the relationship. In essence, when we first fall in love, it's in an unconditional state, and we can't ever imagine not feeling this way about the other person. But we live in a conditional world, and relationships do end. We all have different tastes and needs, and these can change over time. One thing is certain; relationships that are completely lacking in unconditional love are unlikely to succeed. Beliefs and lifestyle are likely to change over time, and if you aren't willing to see your partner go through changes, this could spell the end for the two of you."
This is EXACTLY what I needed to learn. I still love my wife but I don't love her as a wife any longer.
www.verywellmind.com/does-unconditional-love-make-for-healthy-relationships-4165457
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Post by flounder on Jan 5, 2019 17:24:58 GMT -5
I lost my first true love like this. We were together for 5 years. We were young,and I partied really hard. She was ready to settle down and I was not. When we split she told me; “I will always love you,but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
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Post by baza on Jan 5, 2019 17:26:50 GMT -5
Personally, I think that "unconditional" love is about the worst possible malady there is to suffer from.
It sets you up perfectly to be manipulated and mistreated if the other person is so inclined, and keeps you coming back for more.
That ain't healthy.
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moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Jan 5, 2019 17:44:46 GMT -5
I like the honoring other's requests while maintaining boundaries:
"To feel safe in a relationship, it makes sense that you need to feel as though the other person is not going to abandon you based on a whim. You need to know that person is committed to loving you unconditionally no matter what the future brings.
Unconditional love doesn't mean always giving people what they want or always accepting what they do, at the expense of your own needs.
Instead, it is a mature type of love that means treating the other person with love and respect, even while maintaining your boundaries and protecting yourself. Whereas the immature version of unconditional love would have you feeling as though you must be everything to the other person, the mature version has you recognize that your only obligation, in the face of the other's behavior, is to communicate your message with love and respect.
This means being attentive and attuned, even while you are setting limits and boundaries. It also means honoring the requests of others when you are able to do so without harming yourself.
At its core, this is assertiveness—letting the other person know where you stand so that together you can work out the best outcome for the two of you together."
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Post by solodriver on Jan 5, 2019 21:05:26 GMT -5
Very well put moon! Thumbs Up plus
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Post by solodriver on Jan 5, 2019 21:07:20 GMT -5
Personally, I think that "unconditional" love is about the worst possible malady there is to suffer from. It sets you up perfectly to be manipulated and mistreated if the other person is so inclined, and keeps you coming back for more. That ain't healthy. Unconditional love can do that if you don't set boundaries. That was my problem and why I let this façade of a marriage go on for the last 20 years. I thought by giving her unconditional love, she would see it and return her previous romantic love to me. She did not.
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Post by sadkat on Jan 6, 2019 8:45:50 GMT -5
I like the honoring other's requests while maintaining boundaries: "To feel safe in a relationship, it makes sense that you need to feel as though the other person is not going to abandon you based on a whim. You need to know that person is committed to loving you unconditionally no matter what the future brings. Unconditional love doesn't mean always giving people what they want or always accepting what they do, at the expense of your own needs. Instead, it is a mature type of love that means treating the other person with love and respect, even while maintaining your boundaries and protecting yourself. Whereas the immature version of unconditional love would have you feeling as though you must be everything to the other person, the mature version has you recognize that your only obligation, in the face of the other's behavior, is to communicate your message with love and respect. This means being attentive and attuned, even while you are setting limits and boundaries. It also means honoring the requests of others when you are able to do so without harming yourself. At its core, this is assertiveness—letting the other person know where you stand so that together you can work out the best outcome for the two of you together." “Unconditional love doesn’t mean always giving people what they want or always accepting what they do, at the expense of your own needs”. This is so powerful! I can now see how much of myself I gave up. It’s something I’ll have to diligently work on moving forward- especially if I’m lucky enough to find a new partner.
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moon
Junior Member
Posts: 22
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by moon on Jan 6, 2019 18:31:12 GMT -5
One lesson I learned is, sometimes some people with low self-esteem/self worth, MAY tend to give in more in relationships (parent/child, spouse, friends), despite of his/her boundaries or needs. Because only with this, he/she can feel deserve to be loved and safe. On the other side, he/she MAY blur other people's boundaries or don't realize that other people should OWN THEIR lives, hence behave like controlling.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 6, 2019 18:59:14 GMT -5
Personally, I think that "unconditional" love is about the worst possible malady there is to suffer from. It sets you up perfectly to be manipulated and mistreated if the other person is so inclined, and keeps you coming back for more. That ain't healthy. I could not agree more and this is very well stated. Actually, I have always had some doubt that adults could love each other unconditionally at all. Is it possible to not have at least some rudimentary expectations of someone that you wish to consider your partner?
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Post by baza on Jan 6, 2019 19:08:31 GMT -5
Personally, I think that "unconditional" love is about the worst possible malady there is to suffer from. It sets you up perfectly to be manipulated and mistreated if the other person is so inclined, and keeps you coming back for more. That ain't healthy. I could not agree more and this is very well stated. Actually, I have always had some doubt that adults could love each other unconditionally at all. Is it possible to not have at least some rudimentary expectations of someone that you wish to consider your partner? That's another thing to think hard about. Is it "unconditional love" - or is it "traumatic bonding" ? They are two very different things, though they can superficially look pretty similar.
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