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Post by baza on Jan 1, 2019 19:00:31 GMT -5
Here is another random sample of 10. These are the first 10 members to join in January 2018, a year ago, and made at least one post. NurseM - last post Jan 2018 - inactive isolina - last post Jan 2018 - inactive jo - last post Jan 2018 - inactive surfergirl - last post Dec 2018 - has left her ILIASM deal lostintime - last post Feb 2018 - inactive rocket314 - last post Feb 2018 - inactive shari - last post Jan 2018 - inactive waterman - last post Feb 2018 - inactive nytrader - last post Jan 2018 - inactive bertie1471 - last post Feb 2018 - inactive 9 of them blew in, posted their story and have not been heard of since 1 of them has left their ILIASM deal And again, no examples of "turnarounds" Whereas there is usually a pretty high level of inactives in these samples, this particular sample sees the level run at 90%. A possible reason for that is people getting really pissed off with their ILIASM deal over the Xmas/New Year, dumping a vent on to the board, then retreating back into their ILIASM deal. You might find it interesting to have a look at the post about the first 10 new members of January 2017 (2 years ago) as well. The January 2017 sample showed 3 had gone inactive. 3 had left their ILIASM situations. 4 status remained unchanged. There were no examples of "turnarounds" I wonder how the first 10 people to join in January 2019 will fare on their adventures ??
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Post by javba on Jan 1, 2019 19:50:38 GMT -5
I'm beginning to think drop outs are likely examples of learned helplessness, or decision paralysis
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 2, 2019 4:33:15 GMT -5
In the case of shari, I believe she was my refuser. I dropped enough common sense verbal bomb shells on her during "the talk" that she could have found this site with a Google search if she was not monitoring it already. I was intentionally loose with my online identity. After idgaf96 posted about our amazing vacation together, she posted once about finding this place then never posted again. I had a brief talk with my refuser at that point. She acknowledged I had needs she could not fulfill and a divorce would be forthcoming. She never mentioned the site. I am not sure where to place that, statistically. Assuming it was indeed her, even as a refuser she is out and there is, once again, no turn around story.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 2, 2019 19:55:14 GMT -5
Turn arounds may be possible and may explain the departure or inactivity of some on this forum. I use the word ‘may’ for obvious reasons.
The main issue with a turn around is....it can’t be easily measured. You can only really say you’ve turned it around if there has been a sustained period of years and you are fully confident this will continue. If you return to sexlessness or near sexlessness after say one year, you’d look a bit silly if you’d been on here screaming with joy because you had announced that you’ve successfully turned it around.
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Post by baza on Jan 3, 2019 4:30:17 GMT -5
My personal opinion, based on observations since 2009 in the old EP group and since March 2016 here is - that all marriages have problems. - A huge number of these have the capability of the spouses working it out alone, and they do. - A smaller # are responsive to skilled marital counselling, and they get back on track. - A still smaller # can respond to intensive individual counselling, then joint counselling.
After that, the cupboard is pretty bare. At about this time people start googling 'sexless marriage' after none of the above have worked.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 3, 2019 5:01:00 GMT -5
Turn arounds may be possible and may explain the departure or inactivity of some on this forum. I use the word ‘may’ for obvious reasons. The main issue with a turn around is....it can’t be easily measured. You can only really say you’ve turned it around if there has been a sustained period of years and you are fully confident this will continue. If you return to sexlessness or near sexlessness after say one year, you’d look a bit silly if you’d been on here screaming with joy because you had announced that you’ve successfully turned it around. I think this is the one place that someone who claims to have turned it around can admit it was a short term run and nobody will judge them for it. I had short term "successes." One was when I began marking the refrigerator calendar as a constant reminder. The pressure did result in an increase in frequency for a brief while, then it faded into the background and without continued results ended unceremoniously. Another success was after my vasectomy. I thought taking the pressure of another pregnancy off the table was the magic bullet, but, it faded back to normal in a few short weeks. Either one of these, I would have been delighted to share when they were successes, but I don't believe anyone would have rubbed it in when I corrected the record as more data came in.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2019 12:35:12 GMT -5
ironhamster ... I agree. I falsely stated I was "done" and my marriage was over a short time back but reconsidered upon request of my husband and we are still working on it. While I felt 'stupid' for my proclamation, no one judged me or made me feel stupid. I've also, too, wondered how long one would have to go on solid ground to really consider it a 'turnaround'. Clearly from what's been said, I've got a while to go! lol! Also like has been said, all marriages have problems, and all require mutual work by both parties. Most anything is probably fixable IF both people are truly willing to put forth the effort. Therein lies the problem, it seems with most ... both aren't 100% interested and willing. Love this forum and still gaining education and strength from it.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 3, 2019 15:12:58 GMT -5
In the worst cases among us, the problems are not fixable. This site was one of my last eye opening stops while in search of that magic bullet, that fix to the problem, how do I get my spouse to want me.
The real answer is similar to the question of how do I get a child to want to eat broccoli. Well, some people taste brocolli and it is sweet, and to others it is bitter. If a child has the "brocolli is bitter" gene, they might eat some if you put pressure on them but they are never going to want to, even if the parent is a would class chef. The problem is the kid's pallet and the vegetable are not compatible.
No matter what excuse my wife gave, and what the truth really was, I was never sexually appealing to her, and people that are not compatible don't fuck.
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Post by baza on Jan 5, 2019 0:38:44 GMT -5
In the worst cases among us, the problems are not fixable. This site was one of my last eye opening stops while in search of that magic bullet, that fix to the problem, how do I get my spouse to want me. The real answer is similar to the question of how do I get a child to want to eat broccoli. Well, some people taste brocolli and it is sweet, and to others it is bitter. If a child has the "brocolli is bitter" gene, they might eat some if you put pressure on them but they are never going to want to, even if the parent is a would class chef. The problem is the kid's pallet and the vegetable are not compatible. No matter what excuse my wife gave, and what the truth really was, I was never sexually appealing to her, and people that are not compatible don't fuck. I think this bit - "In the worst cases among us" - you refer to is key Brother ironhamster . My observation over quite some years now is that judged by the general run of marriages in the general population, the cases that present themselves here ARE very much the arse end of the dysfunctional marriage demographic....the "worst cases". I truly cannot recall the last time I read a newbie story in here and - based entirely on what they divulged in their story - thought - "well this one has excellent prospects of being recoverable".
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 20, 2019 0:28:01 GMT -5
Surfergirl here.
When I first posted one year ago, I was still legally married, in therapy, and desperate enough to google "sexless marriage".
I filed in March. Finalized in June. And here I am in January with more sex in six months than my entire 21 marriage. Once, I did it all night long. Several times, I had a few rounds. In my marriage, he needed a 6-8 week recovery time. Imagine my surprise when my new partners needed about 6-8 minutes of recovery......
Whoa. There are men out there who want to sleep with me? My mind is blown. It wasn't internet folklore!
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Post by javba on Jan 20, 2019 0:34:22 GMT -5
Surfergirl here. When I first posted one year ago, I was still legally married, in therapy, and desperate enough to google "sexless marriage". I filed in March. Finalized in June. And here I am in January with more sex in six months than my entire 21 marriage. Once, I did it all night long. Several times, I had a few rounds. In my marriage, he needed a 6-8 week recovery time. Imagine my surprise when my new partners needed about 6-8 minutes of recovery...... Whoa. There are men out there who want to sleep with me? My mind is blown. It wasn't internet folklore! Thanks for the update Happy for you
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Post by baza on Jan 20, 2019 22:19:25 GMT -5
It reads like your sex life (post ILIASM) has been a rip roaring success Sister surfergirl .
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 21, 2019 9:29:46 GMT -5
Actually, yes, if you are talking about just the physical act.
But no, I have not experienced lovemaking or found a partner yet. We talk a lot on here about what we are really missing is intimacy, and I am still missing that.
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Post by javba on Jan 21, 2019 10:42:24 GMT -5
Actually, yes, if you are talking about just the physical act. But no, I have not experienced lovemaking or found a partner yet. We talk a lot on here about what we are really missing is intimacy, and I am still missing that. Agree wholeheartedly However I couldn't have intimacy while I'm sexless. How is it love or intimacy when my partner doesn't feel my hurt.
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Post by caballotierra on Jan 21, 2019 11:00:31 GMT -5
Congrats surfergirl . Even leaving a SM is reason to celebrate. Also completely agree on the intimacy part. None of this IMHO is actually even about "sex." It's about intimacy (of which sex plays a pivotal role in. Oh so I hear). baza Some members who are very active disappear because their spouses find out about this board, read their posts, and confront them on it. And then do the same 2 years later and share it with lawyers. Maybe not true for all, but true for some.
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