|
Post by choosinghappy on Dec 29, 2018 19:11:30 GMT -5
caballotierra wow. That is some heavy shit you’ve had to deal with and I am sorry for your pain. I do not mean to discount your experience at ALL and I know this is the reality for some but for the sake of isthisit, I also want to add that divorces can be all over the spectrum. Mine has been smooth and respectful (and man, am I thankful). I just want all to be aware that while a divorce is never pain free it’s also not a given that it necessarily has to be FULL of pain either... In my opinion and experience (so take it with a grain of salt), the lead up and anxiety of big change often tends to be worse than the actual event. Hugs to all going through this.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Dec 29, 2018 19:11:46 GMT -5
Depending on their ages, the kids are almost certaintly aware of more than you think. Mine are in college, and I'm surprised how attuned they are despite me taking the high-road the entire time before, during, and now after divorce. They love their Mother, and I would NEVER say or do anything to negatively impact their love for her. However, when they are home from college they choose to stay with me, and only occasionally visit her for a quick meal. The first time my youngest met with his Mother after the divorce, he was back at my place within 45 minutes. When I commented that seemed like a short visit he said “she's a good cook, but she's also bat-shit crazy, and I'd much rather hang out with you Dad.” We've also had dinner as a family a few times at the request of the children when either one or both are home, and it is rather pathetic how she is so clearly trying to compete, and how she refuses to split the bill, even willing to cause a scene. It's not worth it for me to make a fuss over $100 a few times a year, so she'll continue to manipulate me getting her way here too. Last time, she offered a $5 coupon and I politely said “No thanks, I really want you to have it!”. I genuinely meant what I said, but I clearly wasn’t referring to the coupon. Though my mom and dad stayed together until he died, my mom made his life a miserable hell that, because of cancer, he could not escape from as he was unable to take care of all his issues without her help. But because of my mom being mean and crazy, we kids only showed up every few years. None of us wanted to spend our vacation time with her. She just got worse until she finally passed away. It was really sad to watch happen. But nothing we said or did she listened to and told us to mind our own business.
She didn't have to tell us that more than once.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Dec 29, 2018 19:19:17 GMT -5
I've been thinking, sadly, about how in the hell do you go from "I love you so much and can't wait to be with you" to "I don't love you and I hate you!"?
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Dec 29, 2018 19:22:41 GMT -5
As ever baza you are right on the money here. Once I became conscious of the reality and longevity (? permanence) of my situation I have been evolving on exactly the lines you describe. I now accept that I cannot change H, and no longer want to. However, I definitely do not accept this life and definitely want another. I just need to get my ducks in a row, and find the courage to do it. Courage of course because I will be blowing a hole in the lives of three people for whom the current situation is really very lovely indeed. A.k.a the tricky bit. I'm doing the exact same thing right now.
((((Hugs))))
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Dec 29, 2018 22:30:22 GMT -5
caballotierra and solodriver we are in a pickle aren’t we? I sort of (but don’t really) wish this could come to a disorganised head to save me from finding the courage to throw the grenade and set off a process of pain, albeit with a happy ending eventually. But that’s cowardice and I am generally a considered and cautious person, so slow and steady for me. I wish you both well just ahead of me on our journeys. Please remember, we have all had to be pretty tough to endure our SM’s. That resilience will now stand us in excellence stead to get by during the bumpy bits to come. And yes, the ‘happy ending, bumpy bits and come’ were intended motivational factors. We deserve more of them all!
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Dec 29, 2018 23:32:38 GMT -5
isthisit just remember we are ahead, blazing the path for you, just like others before us. I look at those who have gone before me like choosinghappy, shamwow and tirefire and ballofconfusion to follow who have blazed the trail for me. And we have a whole lot of members who are cheering for us to keep us going. Yes I'm motivated by "happy endings, bumpy bits and come" whenever I meet that woman.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Dec 30, 2018 2:16:49 GMT -5
If you are on the cusp of leaving, it's a situation where your already high pain level IS going to escalate short term. There is very little in the way of instant gratification or immediate pay off in this phase of proceedings (although there can be moments of great elation too) Being well prepared can mitigate the negative effects of this phase, but I don't think you can avoid them. You are likely to feel at times just as bad as you did in the past worst moments of your ILIASM shithole. Often-times at intense enough levels to have you seriously questioning what you've done.
Although it doesn't feel like it, time is your friend in this phase. Every day you are absent from the dysfunctional situation that caused all this, is another day into your recovery. Every day moves you forward in tiny increments, sometimes in big jumps.
|
|
|
Post by hesnotinterested on Dec 30, 2018 2:49:52 GMT -5
This post is prompted by a comment Sister @whynotm3 on another thread. It is about what changes you can effect in an ILIASM deal. There really is very very little change you can effect to your ILIASM situation and very very little change you can effect on your spouse. ILIASM marriages just tend to float along on their established trajectory. There may be the odd blip here and there where things improve for a short period - or deteriorate for a short period - but generally the ILIASM deal remains pretty constant, and continues on its' established path. Likewise with your spouse. Their actions tend to remain pretty consistent, there may be the odd spike on the graph where their actions get worse for a short period, or get better for a short period. But generally they also tend to float onward on their known and established path. Likewise you. Your actions and thinking will have the odd spike up - or down - but generally follow a fairly predictable trajectory too. What changes is usually NOT the ILIASM environment, NOR your spouses actions. These things tend to remain pretty consistent. What changes, is YOUR attitude to the situation. And that change of attitude is a very slow process....because change, is very very difficult for people... refuser or refused. And change only comes from within you. If your situation is troubling you enough to have gotten you googling "sexless marriage", that is a pretty good indicator that your attitude toward your ILIASM deal and your spouse is on the move..... and that can be very intimidating and uncomfortable feeling, oftentimes sufficient to stop you dead in your tracks....or at least stall you for a while.
|
|
|
Post by hesnotinterested on Dec 30, 2018 2:59:59 GMT -5
Hi there baza, I believe there is a lot of truth to what you have said in the post below. I have known for a very long time that the chance of anything changing in my SM was slim but have stayed for our children. I now am starting to realize that maybe I am doing our girls a greater disservice by staying in a SM because they aren't exposed to what "normal" "loving" interactions should look like between a husband and wife. I certainly wouldn't want either of my daughters to end up with a man like my husband who is psychologically cruel by withholding intimacy. It has been 2.5 years since our last failed sex attempt. To be quite honest I have known for quite some time now that I'm not sure I would ever want to have sex with my husband again...the mere thought of it gorosses me out and it simply wouldn't be worth the time it took to remove any part of my clothing. So, heck yes our marriage is definitely on a fairly predictable trajectory just like the solar system. My situation has been troubling me more so in the last month or so when he responded to my question, "Why don't we have sex?" with "you know what you need to do." I'm DONE!!! So it is definitely fair to say that you hit the head on the nail that "googling sexless marriage is a pretty good indicator that my attitude toward my ILAISM deal and my spouse is most definitely on the move. Thank you for your insight.
|
|
|
Post by michael on Dec 30, 2018 5:32:22 GMT -5
One of my friends divorced, got custody of the kids, and helped his ex get an apartment close by so that the kids could visit whenever they wanted. That worked out well. The kids initially appreciated being able to see her, but eventually became aware of what a mess she was, and what a healthy alternative their father was. What a dream come true that would be.
|
|
|
Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 17, 2019 18:25:21 GMT -5
Baz i have found not much changes in a sexless marriage. Sure one can inflict consequences for their spousals outright refusal to have sex with them but have found any change in behavour is short lived. In the past i have refused to help out with housework, or to finance my wifes extra hobbies and beauty routines but ultimately any change seen is short lived. The only real change that can happen is when the Refused Spouse decides to call time on the marriage.
|
|