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Post by carl on Dec 13, 2018 20:56:12 GMT -5
Don’t dispair. Best wishes.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 13, 2018 22:03:10 GMT -5
((((Warm Hugs)))))
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 13, 2018 23:32:53 GMT -5
You are going to get through this, @whynotm3. You are seeing things more clearly, and you will find your way out of this mess.
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 14, 2018 2:32:12 GMT -5
You are going to get through this, @whynotm3. You are seeing things more clearly, and you will find your way out of this mess. Agreed. I’d like to add that it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders. That will serve you well in all this too. Pretty sure it was ironhamster who wrote recently that (paraphrasing) “emotions are what keep us in a SM, logic is what gets us out”. That rang true for me.
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Post by elkclan2 on Dec 14, 2018 4:06:00 GMT -5
I can remember so many holidays feeling so alone. Doing all the meal prep. Do all the toy construction. Doing all the festive stuff. Carrying the whole load of Christmas and ignoring the little criticisms and dings. And, of course, no sex.
This Christmas - like last Christmas - I have an actual partner. Someone who will be with me in the kitchen, who will organise games, do fun activities without complaining. And at night and in the morning we'll snuggle up and even with a full house we'll have sex about once a day.
But even in the years when I didn't have a partner I had a happier Christmas.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 5:43:27 GMT -5
I can remember so many holidays feeling so alone. Doing all the meal prep. Do all the toy construction. Doing all the festive stuff. Carrying the whole load of Christmas and ignoring the little criticisms and dings. And, of course, no sex. This Christmas - like last Christmas - I have an actual partner. Someone who will be with me in the kitchen, who will organise games, do fun activities without complaining. And at night and in the morning we'll snuggle up and even with a full house we'll have sex about once a day. But even in the years when I didn't have a partner I had a happier Christmas. Very happy you have found that and all the pieces to the puzzle are in place! 🙂 Mine does help around the house, will stop and give me an occasional hug or kiss on the forehead, but that's where it stops. The fact that he does help me here is part of what makes this decision so hard. Am I being unrealistic or greedy wanting a partner around the home who helps, but actually desires me as a sexual being, too? I know no marriage / relationship is perfect, but ... ugh
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 5:45:46 GMT -5
You are going to get through this, @whynotm3. You are seeing things more clearly, and you will find your way out of this mess. Agreed. I’d like to add that it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders. That will serve you well in all this too. Pretty sure it was ironhamster who wrote recently that (paraphrasing) “emotions are what keep us in a SM, logic is what gets us out”. That rang true for me. I see the "snap" coming. I've almost been there a few times before, but backpedaled. Eventually I won't care about all the emotions that hold me in place and it will be pure survival on my part - me finally putting me before him.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 5:48:23 GMT -5
I know that silence at home all too well. And what makes the silence worse is when you’re the only one who notices and is bothered by it. "You're the only one who hears the silence...." So true ... my husband couldn't be happier. He finally has the wife and family he's always wanted. His "perfect picture" is complete. And he loves silence .... Wish I could say the same for me. In time I will find my way.
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Post by csl on Dec 14, 2018 13:45:08 GMT -5
I have said it before and I hate to sound like a broken record (nevermind that this concept isn't even my own!) but you will leave when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. You may not recognize your final straw until it is placed. I know I sure didn't, but then one day, I just snapped, seemingly out of the blue (and yet, not at ALL out of the blue). Something of a mantra on my blog: "... as long as the tolerable remains tolerable, it will be tolerated. It is only when the tolerable becomes intolerable that you won’t stand it anymore...."
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Dec 18, 2018 22:01:22 GMT -5
Oh boy, the crying. I am fortunate that I work in a job where I can easily disappear and people will just think I am in a meeting or something. I would go sit in my car and get all the crying out of me before coming back into work. I hated that. I sincerely hope that you are able to pull yourself out of the downward spiral you are on.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 19, 2018 8:19:47 GMT -5
I know that silence at home all too well. Another tipping point. Only this time it can be a positive one! A moment of truth. A moment of realization. Mine was when I realized I'd rather live in an empty (silent) house than with an empty (silent ) spouse. It's much more therapeutic to actually be alone in a quite, silent environment, one of your choosing, than to be at a party surrounded by hundreds and feel totally isolated and alone. Think of Aladdin, when Aladdin and Jasmine feel "trapped". There's " A whole New World" waiting for you!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 8:48:00 GMT -5
I know that silence at home all too well. Another tipping point. Only this time it can be a positive one! A moment of truth. A moment of realization. Mine was when I realized I'd rather live in an empty (silent) house than with an empty (silent ) spouse. It's much more therapeutic to actually be alone in a quite, silent environment, one of your choosing, than to be at a party surrounded by hundreds and feel totally isolated and alone. Think of Aladdin, when Aladdin and Jasmine feel "trapped". There's " A whole New World" waiting for you! @ great coastal ... I could not agree more! Peace is priceless and silence can be beautiful ... under the right conditions.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 12:52:10 GMT -5
I'm finding myself especially down and hopeless this morning. I hate the idea of walking away from my marriage, but staying would kill me, is slowly killing me.Trying my best to at least get thru the holidays and keep a positive attitude, but some days it's just oh so hard. This isn't what I expected when I said, "I do". This isn't what I wanted, hoped for, or needed. Just venting. No answers to be offered in response. I just know you all understand. Things could be so much better, workable, if only he would help me, hear me, work with me. But I can't do it by myself. Focus on myself and stop worrying about him. One of you kind strangers said that to me the other day. So that is what I'm trying to do. At the gym to start my day, of to work then and on with the rest of my day. These things won't change whether I'm wearing a wedding ring or not. Doing what I can do and need to do for me. Again, just needed to get these feelings out so I don't silently cry at my desk all day. Reality sucks. Thank you for letting me vent. It sucks when simple acts like going to the gym, getting up for work, or going to the grocery store seem like lifting the weight of the world. Reality does suck, but you aren't alone. I guess there is always hope that an atom bomb will go off in the heads of our refusers and they will suddenly wake up and realize what they have done/are doing to the person they vowed to take care of for the rest of their lives. In the meantime, go out and buy yourself a present or three! That's what I did. I might not score in the bedroom for the holidays, but I sure will score in the hobby department.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 13:06:23 GMT -5
I'm finding myself especially down and hopeless this morning. I hate the idea of walking away from my marriage, but staying would kill me, is slowly killing me.Trying my best to at least get thru the holidays and keep a positive attitude, but some days it's just oh so hard. This isn't what I expected when I said, "I do". This isn't what I wanted, hoped for, or needed. Just venting. No answers to be offered in response. I just know you all understand. Things could be so much better, workable, if only he would help me, hear me, work with me. But I can't do it by myself. Focus on myself and stop worrying about him. One of you kind strangers said that to me the other day. So that is what I'm trying to do. At the gym to start my day, of to work then and on with the rest of my day. These things won't change whether I'm wearing a wedding ring or not. Doing what I can do and need to do for me. Again, just needed to get these feelings out so I don't silently cry at my desk all day. Reality sucks. Thank you for letting me vent. It sucks when simple acts like going to the gym, getting up for work, or going to the grocery store seem like lifting the weight of the world. Reality does suck, but you aren't alone. I guess there is always hope that an atom bomb will go off in the heads of our refusers and they will suddenly wake up and realize what they have done/are doing to the person they vowed to take care of for the rest of their lives. In the meantime, go out and buy yourself a present or three! That's what I did. I might not score in the bedroom for the holidays, but I sure will score in the hobby department. @ deadzone ... You made me chuckle! I may just go buy myself something nice after all! That said, big blow up over the weekend and a reset right before Christmas may work to my advantage this year. Now he feels badly and will want to make it up to me. I may score in the bedroom and under the tree! lol! I will enjoy it while it lasts. Sadly, it never lasts quite long enough. :/ Enjoy your new toys!!
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 13:19:58 GMT -5
It sucks when simple acts like going to the gym, getting up for work, or going to the grocery store seem like lifting the weight of the world. Reality does suck, but you aren't alone. I guess there is always hope that an atom bomb will go off in the heads of our refusers and they will suddenly wake up and realize what they have done/are doing to the person they vowed to take care of for the rest of their lives. In the meantime, go out and buy yourself a present or three! That's what I did. I might not score in the bedroom for the holidays, but I sure will score in the hobby department. @ deadzone ... You made me chuckle! I may just go buy myself something nice after all! That said, big blow up over the weekend and a reset right before Christmas may work to my advantage this year. Now he feels badly and will want to make it up to me. I may score in the bedroom and under the tree! lol! I will enjoy it while it lasts. Sadly, it never lasts quite long enough. :/ Enjoy your new toys!! I actually saw your post about the blow up after I commented. You're exactly right; enjoy it while it lasts! AND under the tree?? Well, Merry Christmas to you! Props to you for at least having that dialogue and telling him how you feel and how he humiliated you. In most cases we know where things will eventually end up after a reset, but like you said, the more you have those conversations, the easier it is for you to picture yourself doing what you need to do for you. Who knows, maybe 2019 will be a better year for many of us ILIASM sufferers, one way or another.
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