Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2018 7:36:21 GMT -5
I'm finding myself especially down and hopeless this morning. I hate the idea of walking away from my marriage, but staying would kill me, is slowly killing me.Trying my best to at least get thru the holidays and keep a positive attitude, but some days it's just oh so hard. This isn't what I expected when I said, "I do". This isn't what I wanted, hoped for, or needed. Just venting. No answers to be offered in response. I just know you all understand. Things could be so much better, workable, if only he would help me, hear me, work with me. But I can't do it by myself. Focus on myself and stop worrying about him. One of you kind strangers said that to me the other day. So that is what I'm trying to do. At the gym to start my day, of to work then and on with the rest of my day. These things won't change whether I'm wearing a wedding ring or not. Doing what I can do and need to do for me. Again, just needed to get these feelings out so I don't silently cry at my desk all day. Reality sucks. Thank you for letting me vent.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Dec 13, 2018 9:33:52 GMT -5
“Silently crying at your desk...” hooo boy. I can relate to that one. Remember that you are not alone. Kudos to you for starting your day with something positive (going to the gym) that is just for you. Hope you have a great day!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2018 9:38:08 GMT -5
“Silently crying at your desk...” hooo boy. I can relate to that one. Remember that you are not alone. Kudos to you for starting your day with something positive (going to the gym) that is just for you. Hope you have a great day! @ catsloveme .... thank you for the kind words! I am hoping for a wonderful day for you, as well.
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Post by h on Dec 13, 2018 10:32:11 GMT -5
I too, have silently cried at my desk on occasion. I've also on many occasions, screamed until my throat was sore on my drive to and from work. It does suck. The holidays make it hurt worse. You want to be happy but all the togetherness of the holiday season just reminds you of what's missing in your life. Every cheerful greeting offered with the best intent, is received and felt with the opposite result.
We're here for you. The first holidays after "waking up" are the hardest. You'll get through this. Ride out the storm because the sun will be back someday. You may just have to go searching elsewhere to see where it's shining.
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 13, 2018 14:14:36 GMT -5
((Hugs))
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Post by flashjohn on Dec 13, 2018 14:43:37 GMT -5
I'm finding myself especially down and hopeless this morning. I hate the idea of walking away from my marriage, but staying would kill me, is slowly killing me.Trying my best to at least get thru the holidays and keep a positive attitude, but some days it's just oh so hard. This isn't what I expected when I said, "I do". This isn't what I wanted, hoped for, or needed. Just venting. No answers to be offered in response. I just know you all understand. Things could be so much better, workable, if only he would help me, hear me, work with me. But I can't do it by myself. Focus on myself and stop worrying about him. One of you kind strangers said that to me the other day. So that is what I'm trying to do. At the gym to start my day, of to work then and on with the rest of my day. These things won't change whether I'm wearing a wedding ring or not. Doing what I can do and need to do for me. Again, just needed to get these feelings out so I don't silently cry at my desk all day. Reality sucks. Thank you for letting me vent. I know the feeling. I felt like I was slowly dying, and I could not stop the process.
Keep reading and posting. The answer will eventually be revealed.
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Post by baza on Dec 13, 2018 15:58:11 GMT -5
These ILIASM situations tend - over time - to infiltrate other areas of your life as well Sister @whynotm3 . Obvious example here - your work.
It is a bloody awful time for you Sister. Thinking of you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2018 16:13:33 GMT -5
Thank you all so much. I made it thru the day and it wasn't horrible. Time to go home to my "roommate". He will have a peck on the lips and hot cup of tea waiting for me. I will listen to him about his day, then we will discuss the kids' days, and retreat to our silent corners. Sigh ........
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Post by workingonit on Dec 13, 2018 17:20:22 GMT -5
I know that silence at home all too well.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 13, 2018 17:35:52 GMT -5
Yep, been there. It is a horrible feeling, and the holidays make it worse. Good to hear you are doing what you can for self care, as it is so important. Take care.
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 13, 2018 18:29:37 GMT -5
I know that silence at home all too well. And what makes the silence worse is when you’re the only one who notices and is bothered by it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2018 19:14:45 GMT -5
@whynotm3, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It hurts - doesn't it? I have been there done that.
I've read some of your posts and your marriage has some parallels to mine. I am out now and so much better for it. I am learning to be alone-alone instead of married-alone, and actually, I am happier than I have been in 20 years. There have been some blips of sadness on the radar, but all in all, my mood is more stable than it's been in years and my happiness level is, at least some days, off the charts.
I have said it before and I hate to sound like a broken record (nevermind that this concept isn't even my own!) but you will leave when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. You may not recognize your final straw until it is placed. I know I sure didn't, but then one day, I just snapped, seemingly out of the blue (and yet, not at ALL out of the blue).
As others have said, keep reading, posting, and questioning. You will come to your answer. Hugs for the journey!
Elle
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2018 19:32:42 GMT -5
@whynotm3, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It hurts - doesn't it? I have been there done that.
I've read some of your posts and your marriage has some parallels to mine. I am out now and so much better for it. I am learning to be alone-alone instead of married-alone, and actually, I am happier than I have been in 20 years. There have been some blips of sadness on the radar, but all in all, my mood is more stable than it's been in years and my happiness level is, at least some days, off the charts.
I have said it before and I hate to sound like a broken record (nevermind that this concept isn't even my own!) but you will leave when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. You may not recognize your final straw until it is placed. I know I sure didn't, but then one day, I just snapped, seemingly out of the blue (and yet, not at ALL out of the blue).
As others have said, keep reading, posting, and questioning. You will come to your answer. Hugs for the journey!
Elle
Many thanks again!! It's so good to know I'm not alone and also very reassuring that no one is pushing me in one direction or the other. Everyone is speaking their own truth and allowing me to find mine. #grateful 🙏
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 13, 2018 19:41:29 GMT -5
Hugs
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Post by Handy on Dec 13, 2018 20:40:29 GMT -5
Whynot and retreat to our silent corners. Sigh ........
In my case it is retreat to different floors. I understand Whtnot.
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