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Post by time4intimacy on Dec 3, 2018 23:13:31 GMT -5
greatcoastal - In answer to your question about receiving validation being a stress reliever. My answer is - not really- Validation makes me feel good about myself and my partner. The endorphins released during sex and orgasm give me a natural high followed almost immediately by bone deep contentment. Stress Relief is a by-product of all those things. When a man is asked why he likes sex so much and his first response is because it relaxes him and relieves stress, I would probably think he’s crazy too. It certainly wouldn’t be my first answer. I also wanted to address another comment you made about only 10% of women enjoying sex. I think the number is larger than that. Women have a hard time identifying and communicating what they want. I think there is a group of women who would genuinely enjoy sex if they could better understand their sexuality. Have you read the book “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski? If not, it might be worth your while. I learned a lot about myself reading this book. My first answer would not be because it relaxes me. First, I just enjoy sex so much and when I can please my partner I feel such satisfaction in that fact. I LOVE to see a women get lost in pleasure. On a side note, nothing taste as good as a women and I can't get enough. It is like your favorite food, but multiply the fun factor by 100. Anyways, I think it would be awesome with someone who has also been sex starved and it become a competition before someone cries uncle. In full reality, just once a week would be such a huge improvement...but I am at my best 4 times a week.
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Post by elkclan2 on Dec 4, 2018 8:03:57 GMT -5
For me, I think my level of masturbation sort of matches my level of desire for sex. I dont' think this will be true for everyone, but I roughly desire sex the same amount as I used to masturbate. However, I thought, when I was in my SM, that I would want sex 2 or 3 times a week. In reality, I think that for me - right now - that would be my minimum (barring travelling, illness, etc - temporary blips). If we happen to go 2 days without sex, I start to really miss it. But we don't often get to that point. Sometimes i actually miss the 'hunger' for sex that came from my long years of deprivation or when my partner and I have had to be away from each other (he leads field trips sometimes), but when I feel I'm missing that - I think nah, I'd rather be sated pretty much all the time! It's a better feeling!
To be honest, I don't think you CAN know how much sex you will want until you are there and I suppose that it could vary from relationship to relationship. It is entirely possible that I could have partnered with someone else who only wanted sex 2-3 times a week and I would have been happy and thought I was right in retrospect. I would still probably do some masturbation but I dont' think I would necessarily feel deprived. As it is now, I rarely engage in solo masturbation. I just don't feel the need.
Also for me personally, I don't mind the idea of sex for stress relief. There are many reasons that my partner and I have sex, that can be one of them sometimes.
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Post by workingonit on Dec 4, 2018 10:09:37 GMT -5
I agree with elkclan2 that it will depend on the relationship. Of course, it has been so long for me I really have no idea how often I will want sex. I can recall from previous relationships that they vary greatly. One ex bf was very much a great friend. We had ok sex several times a week and that was fine. Usually pretty quick but always fun. We laughed and played together very well but I would never say I lusted after him. The ex after him though.... mmmmmm. We had sex multiple times daily. My mouth would literally water just looking at him. I simply could not get enough of him. Going one day without would be enough to have me craving him. Left to my own sad devices over the last many years I mostly masturbate 3-4 times weekly. But I agree this is a useless assessment. I do hope I am still capable of that level of desire and that I find that again.
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Post by h on Dec 4, 2018 10:54:04 GMT -5
I would say that sex is much more satisfying than taking care of my own needs. As a result, I have to handle my business almost daily but after sex, I can go 2-3 days before the need becomes unmanageable. I would guess that 3-4 times a week would be plenty to fully meet my base need. More would be nice and I wouldn't turn it down. I could learn to be ok with 1-2 times a week as a compromise. Less than once a week wouldn't be acceptable to me unless there was a legitimate, temporary medical reason.
After everything I have been through, I couldn't handle another sexless relationship so even a legitimate medical reason would be too much for me to handle if it was permanent. If a future partner were unable to have a sexual relationship with me, I would gladly continue to support her through her illness, but as a friend and no more. The romantic aspect of the relationship would be over. It feels selfish and assholeish to type that out but I wouldn't be able to put myself through this again. It would destroy me to the core.
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Post by isthisit on Dec 4, 2018 12:16:46 GMT -5
I would say that sex is much more satisfying than taking care of my own needs. As a result, I have to handle my business almost daily but after sex, I can go 2-3 days before the need becomes unmanageable. I would guess that 3-4 times a week would be plenty to fully meet my base need. More would be nice and I wouldn't turn it down. I could learn to be ok with 1-2 times a week as a compromise. Less than once a week wouldn't be acceptable to me unless there was a legitimate, temporary medical reason. After everything I have been through, I couldn't handle another sexless relationship so even a legitimate medical reason would be too much for me to handle if it was permanent. If a future partner were unable to have a sexual relationship with me, I would gladly continue to support her through her illness, but as a friend and no more. The romantic aspect of the relationship would be over. It feels selfish and assholeish to type that out but I wouldn't be able to put myself through this again. It would destroy me to the core. Oh Lordy yes. I could not go through this again. In the future I would not be boxed in by creating a stable home for children to grow and develop . Any panda like behaviour would be binned off immediately. Shame if there are medical circs etc- but I have lost enough years of my life to self care as it is. Never, ever, again.
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 4, 2018 13:46:36 GMT -5
I’ve wondered before how often I would truly want sex if I were lucky enough to have a willing partner available every day. And I think I’ve narrowed it down to: it varies. Ha. Some weeks I’d be happy to have it a couple/few times a week, other weeks I want it every day or likely multiple times a day. Usually with me, the more sex I have, the more I want. And I’ve noticed a stark drop in my mood starting on day 3 without sex. So if I had my druthers I’m pretty sure my desire would fall somewhere between every-few-days to fucking-like-rabbits.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 4, 2018 21:57:01 GMT -5
With a very willing partner, I would love to have it ranging from multiple times a day in different locations to no less than every other day. My drive is so strong, I feel like I did when I was a teenager. I guess that's what happens after 20 years without.
The only reason to hold out more than every few days is for a build-up for huge orgasms for BOTH of us. And that would be discussed and agreed upon. (lol good luck for both of us as my next partner is going to have to be HL)
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Post by cagedadventurer on Dec 4, 2018 23:23:01 GMT -5
I’ve wondered before how often I would truly want sex if I were lucky enough to have a willing partner available every day. And I think I’ve narrowed it down to: it varies. Ha. Some weeks I’d be happy to have it a couple/few times a week, other weeks I want it every day or likely multiple times a day. Usually with me, the more sex I have, the more I want. And I’ve noticed a stark drop in my mood starting on day 3 without sex. So if I had my druthers I’m pretty sure my desire would fall somewhere between every-few-days to fucking-like-rabbits. wow! if this were a dating match game, we'd be 100%!!
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Post by michael on Dec 9, 2018 6:05:21 GMT -5
I’ve wondered before how often I would truly want sex if I were lucky enough to have a willing partner available every day. And I think I’ve narrowed it down to: it varies. Ha. Some weeks I’d be happy to have it a couple/few times a week, other weeks I want it every day or likely multiple times a day. Usually with me, the more sex I have, the more I want. And I’ve noticed a stark drop in my mood starting on day 3 without sex. So if I had my druthers I’m pretty sure my desire would fall somewhere between every-few-days to fucking-like-rabbits. Do you know what happens when the male rabbit orgasms? My brother and I used to breed rabbits. The male falls over unconscious for three or four seconds. Then wakes up wondering what just happened. It’s kind of funny actually. Lucky rabbits. Oh, if only that was me.
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Post by rejected101 on Dec 20, 2018 21:12:56 GMT -5
Several of Bettina Arndt videos are about feminist bashing men and about trying to reverse the idea that women are usually the victims to the idea that some things that women do encourage men to be sexually bold. This topic is often about men and women on university campus getting drunk, having sex and the often default position of the woman was a victim. She says both were drunk so the question of victim-hood is over played. At 4:26 in the video "Bettina Arndt - Sex matters to men" she shows a chart comparing the overall male VS female sexual interest levels. I wish she had shown a chart about how some women have a higher sexual interest than their regular male partner, like we have on ILIASM forum. If you look at Andrea Dworkin in that video..... I’m surprised she even got a single offer of sex in her life! She looks like a combination of slash from guns and roses and chebacca. Why did she ever need to campaign against men who wanted sex? Crazy!
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 21, 2018 17:56:31 GMT -5
I typically handle my business daily, sometimes more, sometimes less if there are certain factors like an early work day or I don't feel well. I assume I would want sex just as much with someone who enjoyed sex. One thing that I will never understand is people who use daily stress as a way to get out of sex. Obviously there are bad situations where you won't feel like it, but overall, I would love to have sex as a decompressing option.
As far as the feeling between sex and masturbation, to me it's about the same. When you have sex so rarely, it loses it's intimacy (at least with your refuser), it compromises the fun, and to be perfectly honest, after 14 years of a sexless marriage, masturbation is more fun. So I guess I would require less sex from my refuser. Maybe 2-3 times a week.
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 22, 2018 16:56:28 GMT -5
When you have been deprived of sex for decades, are you now conditioned to do without it? Are you at a point where your high level of sex drive ( testosterone level) is so used to deprivation that it will or won't be the same again? When you are truly in love, yet suffering in a clinical or totally sexless marriage for many years, you tend to gradullay put too much emphasis on sex to the point that you become part of the problem. To an untrained eye, you may even appear to be on the verge of being hyper focused on sex. It can become draining for both partners.I would lay in bed awake for hours wishing I could be intimate with my beautiful wife who was sleeping beside me. I thought that was the lonliest place to be, but now my empty bed is even lonelier. You naively think sex will solve the problems and heal the marriage. Then eventually you start noticing that while you still crave the idea of sex, you aren’t turned on all that much anymore. You may not even notice or recall when the shift in balance occurred, yet you still crave that which is unattainable in your marriage. It becomes less about the physical intimacy and more about the desire to be desired. At least that is my recollection after reflecting. My now ex-wife actually initiated sex on our 25th wedding anniversary, and during the physical act I felt like I was with a stranger, and not in a good way. The same was true at dinner afterwards. I realized that I no longer desired her and the sex felt empty and meaningless. Perhaps in large part as a defense mechanism to prevent the strong cravings from returning that would undoubtedly go unfilled if I allowed myself to imagine it was possible again. Weeks later, she asked why I stopped initiating physical intimacy a few years ago. I looked at her dumb-founded and said “Are you serious? More than two decades of rejection has callused my limbic system.” She seemed to have no clue or perhaps she also realized at that moment that it was virtually over between us. I now worry this is my new reality. Will I be the low libido partner in my next serious relationship? When I see an attractive woman I can’t help briefly thinking about the possibilities of a healthy, loving relationship with various forms of intimacy, then my decades of training abuse kick in, and I unconsciously shift my thoughts to paying the bills or another undesirable, mundane task. To answer the original question. I used to think twice a week was a minimum that would satiate me, but more would be better. And the few times when we had sex as many as six times in a single month, I thought life was nearly perfect. However, at this exact movement and phase of divorce, even just one or twice a month seems like it would be wonderful. It's all about perspective.
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 22, 2018 17:07:19 GMT -5
I just enjoy sex so much and when I can please my partner I feel such satisfaction in that fact. I LOVE to see a woman get lost in pleasure. THIS!!! Giving was far better than receiving for me. Some days, I could be content sitting naked behind her in bed rubbing her shoulders and playing with her breasts while she used a toy. Making it all about being totally relaxed, together, and pleasing her. Then cuddling afterwards and going out to lunch or watching a movie at home. On occasion, I wouldn’t need more than that to be content in that moment, if I knew she would make it more about me the next time, and that other times it could be intense for both of us. Sadly that was rarely ever the case.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jan 1, 2019 13:31:16 GMT -5
I would use sex a stress reliever lolz. Or when you can't sleep at 2 am, an orgasm or two from someone you love can really help put you to sleep. But then again, I've been told that I have the mind of a 16 year old boy. This was told to me in College by a 16 year old boy. hahaha.
I don't know how much I'd want sex. I've always been shy about wanting sex. And then came all the rejection. And the shame that came with it when he decided that sex was only for men. I can't even imagine someone touching me, without being repulsed. I imagine I'd want to be held and cuddled a lot. Plus, my brand of sexuality isn't for everyone. So there's that as well.
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Post by nyctos on Jan 2, 2019 21:22:56 GMT -5
I think there's probably a range for most people where they could be happy. Primal for me would be several times a week I think, but even 2 or 3 times a month would be enough. At about once a month I'd really wish it were more often, but I wouldn't feel deprived. At once every two months I'd feel like it was thin, but if that's the frequency she wanted it I could live with it. At once every four months I'd feel like I was experiencing rather long droughts, and if wonder why she never tried to initiate. At once every six months I'd start to realize that counting it as twice a year made more sense, a njnd that would be pretty depressing. That's probably also where I'd start looking top the definition of sexless marriage. And where I'd realize that she wasn't experiencing it anything like I was. My depression would be deeper once a full year passed without sex and I started to wonder if I would ever have sex again, and then realize that I had no confidence whatsoever and that even if a woman were eager I would be self-conscious. And besides, who knows what mental torture another woman might put me through.
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