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Post by caballotierra on Dec 6, 2018 16:59:59 GMT -5
You probably know this, but at some point, the avoidant partner just turns to any/all forms of control possible. Sex is only one of those things. It's all a means of avoiding actual intimacy and being in control. Sorry you're here.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 6, 2018 18:35:28 GMT -5
I know the legal explanation and totally understand it. I make 80% of the money and would still feel like I am giving up a lot more. With respect, it sounds to me as though your wealth is costing you a great deal. Wisdom here.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 6, 2018 18:46:46 GMT -5
In Illinois, as a high wage earner, you would be expected to pay 30% of your gross to an ex, minus 20% of what the low wage earner made. If you are seeing this coming, I advise backing off overtime or anything that creates large bonuses. Well, I am a COO and I own part of the company and the business is growing very fast year over year. Lets just say, it would not be a small payout. So....it is what it is. That is one reason I really need to find a way to just make it work. And if she decides to leave? Still split 50/50 and likely alimony but on her terms. Depending on how long you've been married and where you live you may be just building up her nest egg by staying around to build it up. Nothing stops her from voting with her feet and getting rid of your annoying advances. I also have my own company and a decent nest egg. She got her half. I got mine. But now I no longer watch her piss our combined nest egg away as I work away to build it. She will piss away her own half of the egg and I'll replace it over time. Remember, brother, she gets a vote too.
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Post by baza on Dec 6, 2018 19:50:51 GMT -5
Yes. "IF" indeed a divorce would be such a sweet deal for a refusing spouse, what's to stop them initiating such an action ?
There's 3 possible reasons #1 - they haven't checked it out and are presently unaware how a divorce would shake out #2 - they've checked it out and discovered it wouldn't be as sweet a deal as they thought #3 - they've checked it out, discovered you would get hosed and so, out of the goodness of their heart, desist from proceeding.
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Post by solodriver on Dec 6, 2018 22:06:18 GMT -5
Seems to me you lose either way, staying or divorcing. At least if you divorce you have a chance to find some happiness with someone else, which may, in the long run, be more important.
I'm coming to that conclusion on that matter myself. I stand to lose thousands of dollars from my retirement if I divorce. It's been a pretty hard pill to swallow. Stay and never have sex again (unless I can outsource). Or divorce, lose part of my retirement, but have a chance at happiness and intimacy in my life again. I know which way I'm leaning at this point
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Post by Handy on Dec 6, 2018 22:10:39 GMT -5
There is something about "sunk cost" that keeps a person in a difficult relationship or keeps a person to keep putting money in repairing a problematic vehicle. It is difficult to let go of past investments, be it time or money invested or future losses. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 7, 2018 0:19:34 GMT -5
It’s more than sunk cost. If we look at the recent and stark example from ironhamster, it can mean being shackled with losing 30% of your future income. That’s a very real future cost. Then, depending on where you are in life, it’s damn hard to rebuild the same standard of living in retirement with 30% less income. That’s very different from couples that have similar incomes, have separate retirement savings, and just split the house and debts and part ways with no alimony involved.
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Post by Handy on Dec 7, 2018 1:01:10 GMT -5
This spousal support $$$$ is strange in some cases. I read a divorced dating site that is mostly women. Some women (SAHM)don't get even a street begger's settlement and some women get lifetime OR until they marry support. Most women that get spousal support, say for 5 years, they stay single on paper but often live together on the sly until the spousal support ends and THEN marry the BF.
I know one guy that had a high school education, worked while his W went to medical collage, got divorced shortly after she went to work as a doctor, he got 4 years of spousal support while he went to college and now he is on his own. The spousal support ended. This seems fairer than lifetime spousal support.
But really, divorcing is a difficult move and very emotional unless there is or are major abusive issues.
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Post by saarinista on Dec 7, 2018 2:58:47 GMT -5
For reasons that may or may not be of my own making, my career has been a real struggle and I've never made a lot of money. However I have been lucky with a few investments so I'm not starving. It's complicated. Basically, though, I certainly will never be so flush that I'll toss out those looong strips of CVS coupons.😂🙄
Now, I would never say that being financially squeezed is fun.
On the other hand......
reading posts from those of you who've been financially successful and have consequently learned to expect and enjoy the nice things that money can buy makes me feel grateful, in a way, that the frugal ways I've been forced to adapt at times (and things are better now, thankfully) have caused me to appreciate things that are NOT expensive.
Being broke has forced me to develop a sense of humour and ingenuity. My lean times also allowed me to see the truth: that when you have money, you can get very cranky having to work long hours making it, sucking up to a-hole bosses and doing shady things if they tell you to, and wondering if people really only like you for your money.
Moreover, you'll be spending money on lawyers and accountants so you can keep your money and invest your money. You have to agonize over all the possible things you can buy, instead of only looking on the sale racks. And don't forget how people might sue you if you're rich.
I used to be a fundraiser and many wealthy people are unhappy . Not all of them, but many.
Money is NOT irrelevant. I like nice things (especially when I buy them used!) and even living small is surprisingly expensive. But if you're rich enough to worry about losing money in a divorce, I suspect you have enough money to live happily if you get divorced-IF you have the right attitude. Money can keep you tied to a money-loving spouse, but it can't buy happiness.
At least that's my view.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 7, 2018 3:59:49 GMT -5
Priorities, priorities, saarinista. You are right that having money does not make one happy, but I'd rather have money and be unhappy than be poor and unhappy. That being said, I can do with less and be happy with my sexless shithole marriage over. Doing with less stuff is easy by comparison. I have another friend who has done well, financially, and fulfills his need for intimacy watching porn in his bedroom while his wife sleeps in hers. He won't give up his stuff. Who's picked the right path? Well, we both have. We both looked at our futures and chose what was most important to us.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 7, 2018 6:58:16 GMT -5
Divorce court is certainly a F* up system! So much can depend on what judge you get. It's a role of the dice.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 7, 2018 7:59:01 GMT -5
“ If we look at the recent and stark example from ironhamster, it can mean being shackled with losing 30% of your future income. That’s a very real future cost. Then, depending on where you are in life, it’s damn hard to rebuild the same standard of living in retirement with 30% less income.”
People’s priorities differ. I divorced when I literally realized I’d be happier living alone in a rented room than remaining in my dream house with my ex.
Divorce definitely cut my living standard from being in the most desirable neighborhood in town to living in a neighborhood that I experienced as inconvenient and homely. I also couldn’t afford the foreign travel I’d gotten to do with my ex due to his job. I was 61 when I divorced so realistically did not expect to be able to turn my situation around.
Was the divorce worth it for me? Hell, yes. Material goods could not make up for the fact that my refuser was indifferent to me and being around him was depressing. I used to dread hearing his car pull into the driveway. Stuff did not make up for my feeling stuck in a morass of unhappiness.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 7, 2018 9:38:33 GMT -5
Yes. "IF" indeed a divorce would be such a sweet deal for a refusing spouse, what's to stop them initiating such an action ? There's 3 possible reasons #1 - they haven't checked it out and are presently unaware how a divorce would shake out #2 - they've checked it out and discovered it wouldn't be as sweet a deal as they thought #3 - they've checked it out, discovered you would get hosed and so, out of the goodness of their heart, desist from proceeding. Option 4 - They HAVE checked it out and discovered it won't be a sweet deal... YET. Maybe the locale is one where you have to be married 15 years for lifetime support and you've only been married 13. Hang on two years and they are set for life. Maybe they've done the numbers, see the nest egg you're building and are fine with letting it grow for a few more years before deciding they would like to split the cash and split. A prudent financial move. Maybe in their mind they are less calculating (most people like to see themselves in this better light). They plan on tolerating your incessent demands for sex until the kids are in college. They can even look at themselves as noble in that regard, having toughed it out for the kids. And if you outsource, they can do any of these scenarios, paint you as the villian (Oh my God he cheated on you? Oh, you take that pig to the cleaners, girlfriend), and laugh all the way to the bank. And the thing is that for her to come up with a general plan all she needs to be is pissed off some afternoon and some simple Google searches. Perhaps a free consult with an attorney, but that isn't required to formulate a general game plan. Fast forward a decade of sexless shithole and long hours. Take what you've saved and chop it in half. Extend lifetime support. And put the ball completely in her court, especially since 70 percent of divorces are initiated by the wife. I'm fortunate to live in a state without spousal support. She got most of the cash, I got most of the retirement. I pay about a quarter of my income in child support but that will diminish and eventually end over time. I am young enough at 46 to rebuild. If I had waited, it would have been financially much more painful (although I still would have eventually recovered).
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Post by Dan on Dec 8, 2018 23:01:39 GMT -5
I know I don't sleep well after it's been a certain length of time without. I'm getting pretty good sleep these days... ... but my right wrist is getting a bit sore. I wonder if there is a connection?
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Post by baza on Dec 9, 2018 1:41:18 GMT -5
Are you overwinding your alarm clock Brother Dan ?
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