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Post by nantucketdreamer on Nov 23, 2018 22:19:40 GMT -5
Thank you for this site. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 25 years. The past 10 have been sexless. Early in our marriage sex was fun and regular.
Now, he has absolutely no interest in sex. Zero interest. On our 25th wedding anniversary we traveled to Paris for a week. On the final day of the trip, after having no sex the entire time, I told him I was leaving our marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to stay. He went to the doctor when we got home and came up with a “plan” to reduce stress, exercise, etc. He has no medical problems. It’s now 6 months later and nothing has changed. Still no sex - ever.
He is a wonderful man. He hugs me, holds my hand, brings me coffee in bed every single morning, callls me and texts me all throughout his day, and we even still have a date night out every week. We’ve never even slept in separate bedrooms. I just can’t live without sexual intimacy.
I just don’t know what to do .....
As a side note - Five years ago, when we began talking about the problem, he tried Viagra and hated it as it felt unnatural to him. He stopped taking it within 3 months.
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 23, 2018 23:02:52 GMT -5
Well, what does HE say about why the sex stopped?
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Post by baza on Nov 24, 2018 0:54:00 GMT -5
I'll stick to one aspect of your story Sister nantucketdreamer .... the inadvisability of making threats that you aren't actually prepared to follow through with. "Divorce" is the biggest (and best) card in the pack. But if you play that card, and then back off, you effectively educate your spouse that you didn't and don't mean it, so thereafter they do not need to take that threat all that seriously. It tends to shred your cred, and that just makes it harder to bring the situation to resolution. Suggestion. See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish - theoretically - how a divorce would shake out for you. Based on that information, start putting together an exit strategy and knock it into theoretical do-able status. Shore up your support network. Research everything you can in regard to helping shepherd your kids (if any) through such an event. This will, at the very least, give you a pretty good idea of how things would theoretically shake out in a divorce situation and thus put yourself in a position to make a fully informed choice - rather than a threat. Until such time as you do the homework, I would counsel you not to mention divorce again .... these situations have no place for brinkmanship or bullshit. Say nothing that you are not actually prepared to do. Welcome to the zoo Sister nantucketdreamer .
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Post by nantucketdreamer on Nov 24, 2018 7:55:09 GMT -5
Well, what does HE say about why the sex stopped? He is certain that it is stress which has led to performance anxiety which now seems to be an unbreakable cycle.
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Post by nantucketdreamer on Nov 24, 2018 7:58:13 GMT -5
I'll stick to one aspect of your story Sister nantucketdreamer .... the inadvisability of making threats that you aren't actually prepared to follow through with. You are right. I should not have done that and not followed through. I meant it when I said it, and then he went to the doctor and made some effort towards a resolution.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 24, 2018 8:55:22 GMT -5
Well, what does HE say about why the sex stopped? He is certain that it is stress which has led to performance anxiety which now seems to be an unbreakable cycle. I have learned that when stressed, people who enjoy sex view it as a stress-reliever. People who do not enjoy sex view it as added stress. My personal opinion is that that characteristic does not change in a person. As for the performance anxiety: that is not an unbreakable cycle if he were to get proper help. He started that process but nothing has changed. What do you think the odds are that if he restarts the process things WILL change and he’ll start desiring sex again?
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 24, 2018 10:44:28 GMT -5
Performance anxiety? It sounds like desire.
I will limit my story telling on this, because it is too hot for prime time, but I have had some performance anxiety issues, but the desire never went away. There are plenty of things I can do to compensate when nature is not cooperating and I remain very enthusiastic. My partners satisfaction is important to me.
Viagra may or may not help an erection, but it can't do anything for desire.
If he has confidence issues, you might be able to work through that, but, if I am reading it right, his desire is gone.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 24, 2018 10:50:18 GMT -5
He is certain that it is stress which has led to performance anxiety which now seems to be an unbreakable cycle. I have learned that when stressed, people who enjoy sex view it as a stress-reliever. People who do not enjoy sex view it as added stress... ^^^^^ Right there, ChoosingHappy.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Nov 24, 2018 11:07:26 GMT -5
Thank you for this site. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 25 years. The past 10 have been sexless. Early in our marriage sex was fun and regular. Now, he has absolutely no interest in sex. Zero interest. On our 25th wedding anniversary we traveled to Paris for a week. On the final day of the trip, after having no sex the entire time, I told him I was leaving our marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to stay. He went to the doctor when we got home and came up with a “plan” to reduce stress, exercise, etc. He has no medical problems. It’s now 6 months later and nothing has changed. Still no sex - ever. He is a wonderful man. He hugs me, holds my hand, brings me coffee in bed every single morning, callls me and texts me all throughout his day, and we even still have a date night out every week. We’ve never even slept in separate bedrooms. I just can’t live without sexual intimacy. I just don’t know what to do ..... As a side note - Five years ago, when we began talking about the problem, he tried Viagra and hated it as it felt unnatural to him. He stopped taking it within 3 months. This reads so much like my situation with my now ex-husband. We had a decent sex life and held hands, all that. Then it started to deteriorate and we had zero sex for 10 years (married 16). I heard many excuses--stress being one of them--and tried to talk with him to no avail. He even tried viagra and said he didn't like the side effects and wouldn't take it again. Seems like we tried everything, including counseling, but nothing worked. I left and we got a divorce. I'm glad that your husband is willing to communicate with you and I really hope you both are able to fix your marriage. Read here, keep posting if you need, and try to find the best solution for you.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 24, 2018 13:04:22 GMT -5
Thank you for this site. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 25 years. The past 10 have been sexless. Early in our marriage sex was fun and regular. Now, he has absolutely no interest in sex. Zero interest. On our 25th wedding anniversary we traveled to Paris for a week. On the final day of the trip, after having no sex the entire time, I told him I was leaving our marriage. He begged and pleaded for me to stay. He went to the doctor when we got home and came up with a “plan” to reduce stress, exercise, etc. He has no medical problems. It’s now 6 months later and nothing has changed. Still no sex - ever. He is a wonderful man. He hugs me, holds my hand, brings me coffee in bed every single morning, callls me and texts me all throughout his day, and we even still have a date night out every week. We’ve never even slept in separate bedrooms. I just can’t live without sexual intimacy. I just don’t know what to do ..... As a side note - Five years ago, when we began talking about the problem, he tried Viagra and hated it as it felt unnatural to him. He stopped taking it within 3 months. Has he had his testosterone checked? Is it at OPTIMAL levels? Get the numbers and do the research yourself. Medications such as viagra only help maintain an erection. They do not arouse desire.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 24, 2018 13:44:05 GMT -5
"I have learned that when stressed, people who enjoy sex view it as a stress-reliever. People who do not enjoy sex view it as added stress.
My personal opinion is that that characteristic does not change in a person. "
This... I'm afraid I learned this, too.
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Post by time4intimacy on Nov 27, 2018 19:39:52 GMT -5
It seems in this situation, it comes down to decision time. Stay and live without sex, outsource and stay married or divorce and look elsewhere. None of these are good options and I feel very bad for you and understand the situation, being in it myself. Sorry about your situation.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 28, 2018 4:19:05 GMT -5
I prefer to dissect the options a bit more, but the result is the same.
1) Stay and be miserable. 2) Stay and pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do. 3) Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage with clear communication and understanding. 4) Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage without permission. 5) Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it is the honest thing to do.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 28, 2018 9:57:11 GMT -5
I prefer to dissect the options a bit more, but the result is the same. 1) Stay and be miserable. 2) Stay and pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do. 3) Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage with clear communication and understanding. 4) Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage without permission. 5) Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it is the honest thing to do. I really like these dissected options but I had two thoughts while reading: 1.) As we see time and time again on here, Option #2 might end up being you pressuring your spouse in vain. You may spend your energy trying to get your spouse to have sex with you and it may not even work, leaving you feeling even worse. 2.) With Option #5, the phrase “it is the honest thing to do” rubs me the wrong way and I’ve been trying to figure out why. I don’t think that people who choose to stay in an SM are not being honest, so long as they are making the active choice to stay rather than just staying by default. If they weigh all their options, are honest with themselves and their spouse, and still decide that even if nothing changes, staying still offers them the best option, then I respect that. It’s when people aren’t honest with themselves that I think it is a problem.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 28, 2018 14:35:12 GMT -5
I prefer to dissect the options a bit more, but the result is the same. 1) Stay and be miserable. 2) Stay and pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do. 3) Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage with clear communication and understanding. 4) Stay, but get your needs met outside the marriage without permission. 5) Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it is the honest thing to do. I really like these dissected options but I had two thoughts while reading: 1.) As we see time and time again on here, Option #2 might end up being you pressuring your spouse in vain. You may spend your energy trying to get your spouse to have sex with you and it may not even work, leaving you feeling even worse. 2.) With Option #5, the phrase “it is the honest thing to do” rubs me the wrong way and I’ve been trying to figure out why. I don’t think that people who choose to stay in an SM are not being honest, so long as they are making the active choice to stay rather than just staying by default. If they weigh all their options, are honest with themselves and their spouse, and still decide that even if nothing changes, staying still offers them the best option, then I respect that. It’s when people aren’t honest with themselves that I think it is a problem. Both of your observations are spot on. #2 may or may not succeed, but, either way, it is not going to result in the sort of experience you really want. Regarding #5, there is a real stigma about divorce in some circles. I don't think people that have that attitude are taking an honest look at all situations. I know I was resistant to the idea for far too long, and I was not well served by my bias. I'm not intending to slam people that choose a different path, but this path needs to be seen as a valid option.
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