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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 21, 2019 10:49:15 GMT -5
There's much to address in your relatively short posts. I won't try to speak to all the points I see, just a couple things. Most of us either went through it and many are still in the "fix it" stage. I spent a relatively short time there, only a year or so. Even after I found the precursor to this site(Experience Project) I still debated and fought against most of what you have been getting here. It isn't that the folks here are judging you or the relationship. It's just that we have all been there. It's sort of like going to the doctor will all the symptoms of the flu, during flu season. Probability what you have is the flu. You aren't being advised not to hope, indeed the fact that your bf has seen a Dr. and is now getting some medication for low T is a hopeful sign. It means he places enough value on you and the relationship to make an effort. That sort of effort isn't very common in most of the stories read here. It may take some time (depending on just how low his testosterone levels were) for him to feel his desire for sex to return. It took me just over a month before I saw a significant change in myself. Stick around and keep posting, especially if his libido returns. We could all use a success story.
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Post by baza on Jan 21, 2019 17:33:28 GMT -5
Thanks for asking baza. Despite many other life issues right now, things are okay. My bf has been taking T shots weekly for about 6 weeks now. Although it hasn’t produced any miracles, I still feel hopeful. Our communication is wide open about the subject and that allows us to be comfortable in talking about all subjects as well. One nagging thought is this: I have repressed my sexuality. I feel like a different person than I use to be. I no longer initiate sex ever because I don’t want the rejection. But the bottom line is, the feeling of rejection is daily anyway. So my dilemma is - do I start trying to be the affectionate sexual person I really am towards him and feel the rejection? Or stay in this repressed state and feel the rejection? Does that make any sense at all? About your repressed sexuality Sister frustrated . Logic suggests to me that you are only going to find out if you are prepared to put yourself forward ... to take a risk. Easy for me to say, it ain't me running the risk of another crushing rejection. In a worst case scenario (you approach and he again rejects) could you handle that ? FWIW in my deal, I got to a point where I could not handle another crushing rejection, which effectively marked the beginning of the end of my deal (it took a few more years to play out though).
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Post by frustrated on Jan 21, 2019 18:00:32 GMT -5
Wow, I really appreciate the feedback. I agree with jim44444. I'm going to switch to try the initiation rejection. I like the fact that it's at least his decision then. I think he needs to know, too that I am still indeed interested. I think my present tactic has actually been detrimental because it's possible he thinks I'm okay now or lost interest myself. Who knows. Maybe I'll go ask him. Communication still seems to be the best choice, even if I do get the eye roll whenever I bring up "the subject".
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 22, 2019 0:32:58 GMT -5
Which ever way it goes, it will bring more clarity to your situation. I hope things improve, but even if they don't you will know more than you do, now.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 22, 2019 4:49:01 GMT -5
You mention that 2 years has been sexless and therefore the first 6 months must have involved sex. How often did you fuck? Does he have an explanation as to why it stopped?
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Post by frustrated on Jan 22, 2019 5:22:30 GMT -5
The first six months were great. We got together every weekend and sex was always involved. Slowly it dwindled away. His excuse was he just didn’t have the desire anymore. Says he didn’t think about sex like he use to. Does it fade that fast?
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 22, 2019 6:14:52 GMT -5
If my sex drive ever declined like that I would be visiting doctors to get my mojo back. If I couldn't get it back I would encourage my partner to be nonmonogamous, or to end the romantic component altogether. It makes no sense to prolong the frustration and dissatisfaction of anyone I would claim to love.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 22, 2019 9:29:29 GMT -5
The first six months were great. We got together every weekend and sex was always involved. Slowly it dwindled away. His excuse was he just didn’t have the desire anymore. Says he didn’t think about sex like he use to. Does it fade that fast? It sounds like you got a bait and switch. He fucked his way into the relationship and when the hook was set, he stopped putting out.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 10:02:03 GMT -5
frustrated ... I really hate to agree with everyone here, but I must. I am 6 years into my marriage (together for 8 now) and I knew early on (pre-marriage) there were issues, but 'hoped' they would improve after marriage. They did not. We are in the process of trying to salvage the relationship and make it acceptable, that is just now, after years of stress, headaches, disappointments, tears, and fights. We ARE married, have a blended family, and finances, etc., are already intertwined. You are in a different spot. Walking would be easy. I commend you for trying, but don't sacrifice what you want / need trying to be virtuous or kind. Many of us were far too nice for far too long. Give him ONE chance to do what you need him to do. Lay it ALL on the table, give him a deadline, and see what he does. If he does not do 100% what you ask. Walk. You're only prolonging your misery if you don't. To restate what has been said, IT IS NOT YOU. Don't entertain that thought. We've all spent more than enough time doing the same thing, until our self-esteems were in the trash and any confidence once had was non-existent. Hope it a lovely trait, but one that comes with great consequences, especially in a SM. Glad you found us. Ask your questions and hopefully you will find the answers you are looking for.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2019 10:11:16 GMT -5
If you have to cry, plot, beg, plead, manipulate to get your partner to have sex with you, they just aren’t into you that way and the lack of sex with you doesn’t bother them. If it did, they would’ve going to doctors or therapists and be doing other things to address their lack of desire. You can’t make someone lust after you. Instead of trying to turn him into the lover you want it would be more productive to end the relationship and set yourself free to find someone who can’t keep their hands off you and who loves fucking you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 10:17:18 GMT -5
Thanks for asking baza. Despite many other life issues right now, things are okay. My bf has been taking T shots weekly for about 6 weeks now. Although it hasn’t produced any miracles, I still feel hopeful. Our communication is wide open about the subject and that allows us to be comfortable in talking about all subjects as well. One nagging thought is this: I have repressed my sexuality. I feel like a different person than I use to be. I no longer initiate sex ever because I don’t want the rejection. But the bottom line is, the feeling of rejection is daily anyway. So my dilemma is - do I start trying to be the affectionate sexual person I really am towards him and feel the rejection? Or stay in this repressed state and feel the rejection? Does that make any sense at all? frustrated ... forgive, please, the direct comments. They are not meant to be harsh, but honest and forthright, as has been suggested. I agree with you that you should at least attempt to fix things. If he is willing to work with you, then that is a good sign. I supposed I missed your comment to that end before I responded previously. I, too, am waiting for my husband to get his t-levels checked, in hope that will add to our progress forward. I understand, also, needing to at least try. God knows I've been trying and then some for years now. I do not judge you one bit, none of us do. We merely understand and have been there. More accurate would be trying to spare others from having gone through what we have gone through. Bottom line, you need to be ok with whatever decision you make. If there's enough to work with, an acceptable medium may be able to be found.
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Post by frustrated on Jan 22, 2019 13:31:03 GMT -5
Thanks for the second post, whynotm3. I appreciate that. I'm sure we are ALL vulnerable to advice at some points. Right now, I'm just trying to survive. I lost my job, and am kinda stuck financially and emotionally. That is at the forefront of my mind really. Because I am a woman who always has a plan B, so I'm trying to get my feet back on the ground. That aside, I think putting this issue aside seems reasonable, but I don't. I've learned here about reset sex. Well, it seems there's also reset conversation of the subject. If I ignore it for awhile, it's like starting over every time. So i brought up a few things last night, and got the eye roll. He is a man who does listen, it may be days later, but I'll get a response. The most important thing I know is to keep communicating about it.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 22, 2019 13:43:36 GMT -5
Frustrated: his rolling his eyes when you brought up your SM was an example of his displaying contempt for you, the worst of what marriage and divorce expert Dr. John Gottman says are the 4 predictors of divorce. He says that when contempt enters a marriage usually divorce follows within 5 years. When I read that, I didn’t believe it. I had started eye rolling my husband. I had no plans of divorcing. Three years later, we were divorced. I was who requested it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 13:56:02 GMT -5
None of us here mean to jump ahead to the punch line but you'll get a lot of that here because we've all been where you are. I joined this group a couple years ago at 49 (I just turned 52) and then left because I thought there was no chance I might leave, therefore I needed to commit to staying.
Well...I'm back. His willingness to talk about it is good news, my wife got unapproachable about it many years ago. If he seems eager and willing to solve this issue together and be a fair player in the relationship then, by all means, keep working on it as long as you see progress. If you find a stable compromise then fantastic. If you're like many of us then putting in the time to sort it out is appropriate. But, the rejection takes a toll so if you find yourself resentful and he's no longer working on solutions then you have your answer. It's not important to him, therefore a sex life is off the table.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 13:56:53 GMT -5
Thanks for the second post, whynotm3. I appreciate that. I'm sure we are ALL vulnerable to advice at some points. Right now, I'm just trying to survive. I lost my job, and am kinda stuck financially and emotionally. That is at the forefront of my mind really. Because I am a woman who always has a plan B, so I'm trying to get my feet back on the ground. That aside, I think putting this issue aside seems reasonable, but I don't. I've learned here about reset sex. Well, it seems there's also reset conversation of the subject. If I ignore it for awhile, it's like starting over every time. So i brought up a few things last night, and got the eye roll. He is a man who does listen, it may be days later, but I'll get a response. The most important thing I know is to keep communicating about it. Not working and otherwise being unable to support yourself at present, does change the game plan frustrated - but not completely. I suppose if I were in your shoes I'd be, first off, focused on finding employment. Then secondly using this time to set the stage and do what work you can on the relationship. Follow along on these boards and change what you can change about yourself. You have no control over your bf and what he does or does not do. Work on you, for you, and try to heal you. I'm finding self-focus and reflection are helping me immensely and garnering some positive responses from my husband as well. Good luck to you - on both fronts!
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