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New here
Nov 18, 2018 9:36:44 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by frustrated on Nov 18, 2018 9:36:44 GMT -5
I think I found a helpful place. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, 2 sexless! I can’t believe it! I’m a vibrant sexy woman no where near dead. I spend my hours questioning what is wrong with me. I’m obsessed with thoughts of why? I really don’t understand. My bf says he has no desire. Well for me. He’s the biggest flirt ever with all women. I need help understanding this phenomenon I never ever thought I’d be in.
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 18, 2018 15:13:17 GMT -5
My first thought was "Thank heavens you got here only 2 years into the relationship!" Some of the people here have been sexless for 10, 20, 30 or more years!
It also sounds like you aren't married (and no kids?) so it should be relatively easy to split up and go your own way if you want to.
Somewhere around .5% to 2% (depending on how you count) of the people on this forum manage to turn their marriage around from sexless to sexful, so your chances are not all that great. I'm one of those rare ones, and even though I'm having sex now about once per 3 days, if I'd known before I got married that I would be in for once a week or less sex for most of my marriage, and no sex at all for 7 years, I never would have gotten married!
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New here
Nov 18, 2018 15:25:37 GMT -5
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Post by frustrated on Nov 18, 2018 15:25:37 GMT -5
I’m 58 with kids and grandkids. Have our retirement future planned. But this want part of it for me. I was hoping for more hope. But I guess the odds are against me.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 18, 2018 15:53:19 GMT -5
frustrated, your odds of being in a sexually fulfilling relationship will increase if you let go of your current relationship. Obviously, it's not going to give you what you want.
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New here
Nov 18, 2018 16:13:33 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ironhamster on Nov 18, 2018 16:13:33 GMT -5
There are some amazingly sexy people that are asking the same sorts of questions. I have no idea what you look like, but I guarantee the problem is not you.
Urgh. He flirts with other women but ignores your needs. Brainstorming time.
1) He has no sexual desire because he is either asexual or gay, but has an ego to feed. 2) He has an undisclosed cuckold fetish. Simply put, his thought pattern is that if nobody else is fucking you why should he? Weird, but I have seen this. 3) He really has desire, but it is overcome by embarrassment over something, such as ED or endowment issues.
Have you had conversations? He says he has no desire. Have you asked him about sexual fantasies, including watching you with another guy or a threesome with another guy. Some of that will get uncomfortable, so use your best judgement. Keep in mind, if he is gay or asexual, that cannot be fixed.
Most importantly, does he know you have needs he is not meeting, and what is ok with him for you to have your needs met. If he does nothing to help, he does not have love for you. He has control.
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New here
Nov 18, 2018 17:59:26 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by frustrated on Nov 18, 2018 17:59:26 GMT -5
We have had plenty of conversations about it. He promises to go to the doctor but never does. I’ve discussed my fantasies, asked for his, asked for scheduled sex, all to a negative response. What you said about control makes sense. What would he gain from that?
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Post by baza on Nov 18, 2018 18:16:19 GMT -5
You mention that you have been directing your thinking toward "what's wrong with me ?".... and the short answer to that is *nothing* as far as your sexuality goes. You would be no different in that respect than any other member of this group. It is your bf who has the issues, not you. And in your post there is precious little evidence that he sees his sexual issues as being a problem, let alone taking any action to address his issues. Indeed his flirtatious behaviour with other women reads like he is actually trying to hide his true sexual identity by putting up a smokescreen of being interested in sex when truly he ain't interested at all. Further, it is not a crime for him not be interested in sex generally - or specifically with you. And that refines the question quite a bit. The question now becomes - "why am I staying in a situation that cannot deliver what I want out of a relationship ?" In other words - "what is holding me in this sub-optimal situation ?" That question potentially opens up a can of worms for you Sister frustrated .
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 19, 2018 3:23:10 GMT -5
If you're not a 'controller' then you don't see what someone else gets out of it. But believe me they do. There are people who get an emotional charge from starting fights, or putting you down or 'keeping you hungry' - if you're not this way then it's really hard to get into their head. Fortunately you don't have to - you only need to know that they do get a buzz from it. I can't say if your bf is one of these guys or not.
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New here
Nov 20, 2018 5:18:21 GMT -5
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Post by frustrated on Nov 20, 2018 5:18:21 GMT -5
What is holding you in this suboptimal situation? I’ve been thinking long and hard on that question. The only answer that makes sense to me right now is the hope. I hope for better. I’m focusing on the great things we have. I feel like everyone here should understand that even though it’s not the stage most are in. I choose not to let go of the hope right now.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 20, 2018 7:07:08 GMT -5
What is holding you in this suboptimal situation? I’ve been thinking long and hard on that question. The only answer that makes sense to me right now is the hope. I hope for better. I’m focusing on the great things we have. I feel like everyone here should understand that even though it’s not the stage most are in. I choose not to let go of the hope right now. Read through these two pages and get a feeling of hope verses false hope and where to direct your energy in the things that you can control. iliasm.org/thread/3606/thank-hope?page=2
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 20, 2018 7:20:52 GMT -5
Get out now, things will not improve to what your want over the long term. He might "change" for the short term, just enough to marry you and trap you in a marriage that will slowly eat away at your soul.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 20, 2018 8:52:42 GMT -5
Hope.
I maintained hope. I rationalized. I avoided thinking about what I should have known. I prayed. I accepted bad advice from trusted advisors, and I accepted her lies. I told myself my desire would wane and hers would wax and we would be on equal footing. I lost twenty five years of my life to a woman that never lived up to her vague promises.
Hope gets us through tough times, but misplaced hope traps us in misery.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 20, 2018 8:53:31 GMT -5
Get out now, things will not improve to what your want over the long term. He might "change" for the short term, just enough to marry you and trap you in a marriage that will slowly eat away at your soul. I’m sure this is incredibly tough to hear or process for you at this stage frustrated but sadly, I have to agree. After my own experience and learning about the experiences of 99% of the people here, I do not think things will change for you and will likely end up getting worse. You’ve only been together for 2.5 years. You should still be having regular sex. Period. Cut your losses and run before you get stuck.
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Post by h on Nov 20, 2018 10:32:22 GMT -5
Back when I was only 2 1/2 years into my marriage, I had hope too. I thought that if I tried just a little harder and was patient for just a little longer, then maybe my W would "snap out of it" or "wake up" and realize what was missing in our marriage. I held on to hope that she would change.
Now, after a decade of marriage, I kick myself for holding on to foolish hope for so long when the signs were so clearly not in support of my hoped for outcome. Don't waste a decade figuring out what you can see right now. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Your man is telling you, through his actions and inactions, exactly what is important to him and what isn't important to him.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 20, 2018 11:47:12 GMT -5
I think I found a helpful place. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, 2 sexless! I can’t believe it! I’m a vibrant sexy woman no where near dead. I spend my hours questioning what is wrong with me. I’m obsessed with thoughts of why? I really don’t understand. My bf says he has no desire. Well for me. He’s the biggest flirt ever with all women. I need help understanding this phenomenon I never ever thought I’d be in. Boyfriend, not husband? No kids from what it sounds like? Only in 2 1/2 years? Run! And be grateful you discovered this years in versus decades. Oh and do NOT have children with this man or marry him.
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