Post by olaf on Nov 9, 2018 17:58:33 GMT -5
Hi everybody! My name for this forum is Olaf. I am 46 and married for 11 years. I love my wife really really much, she and our family is really what makes it all worth living. I lived quite a selfish life until I met her, doing virtually only what I wanted to do, with little or no responsibilities other than myself. Was married once before when I was too young for it to make any sense (21-24), thankfully with no kids. Now we have a beautiful 8yo boy and it turns out that at this moment, from the perspective of my wife, he is the only bond between us that is left.
I don't feel like that at all, and I have the feeling that I totally live for her, him and my stepson, 19yo, who lives with us. But, life is not what we think it is, but what it really is, and that is the biggest problem in relationships...
I will now sketch out my personal history maybe a bit too detailed but I really need to do that and vent out how I feel, and also it perhaps can be interesting to some of you that have my wife's problem, a husband that is "not up for it", that live in a sexless marriage with a guy that is a really good husband and father, but is also someone they no longer perceive as a partner, but more as a roommate or a friend.
When I met her, I was 35 and have spent some 7-8 years roaming and having really a lot of relationships of various intensities, longest being perhaps a couple of months. In some ways I was "venting out" since I married early and did not have that "crazy" time when you are old enough to "do what you want", but still single. So it happened to me at a later age. But, I was most of the time unhappy and felt alone. I was also quite a jerk in my relationships, becoming cold all over sudden, I would just loose my interest in a girl overnight... I never ever cheated and also never had "sex just for sex". Mostly because I could not. I had chances for that and never went that way. I had sexual problems all of my life and that is the core problem of my life, because everything else was always more or less OK. I have a nice career, job that I love, am OK with money, have been earning my own money since I was 19-20 (music production and informatics), grew up in a supportive family etc. But with sex there was always a problem.
First, I started masturbating quite early, before I could ejaculate, probably 9-10 yo. I fantasized about sex a lot but I had a big problem with approaching girls cause I am a "thinking" type, constantly spinning all outcomes and options in my mind, afraid of being spontaneous and being turned down. Also, when I was 13, I had a bad first sex experience that probably shaped my whole life. I was with a girl a year older that was already "doing it" with older guys. I was not really attracted to her, but she was getting on to me and all of my friends were pushing me to "do it with her". We were kissing and making out and then when I tried to penetrate I could not get erection at all. I was probably much too afraid and uncomfortable in that situation...
After that I was quite afraid of approaching girls sexually, although I was quite popular amongst the generation etc. So I was attracted to a lot of girls but I was just watching them from a safe distance, idolizing them. I would have a "fatal crush" on the most "sexy" girl in school etc, you know, normal teenage movie stuff, so basically I was like a "Popular nerd" kind of type. My first "achievements" started when I was 18-19 and started smoking weed which relaxed me and changed the way I functioned in society. I became more spontaneous and started hitting on girls. So I started having sex but it was 50:50. I was not able to always get a good erection, even at that age. I was quite "big" compared to my friends so I thought at that time that this is perhaps a problem.
When I look at it all now, I realize that I was in fact virtually never totally relaxed in sex. I was always "in my mind", most of the time thinking "am I doing it OK, what should I do next, when is it OK to come, will she like it" etc... basically, I was never thinking about my pleasure, but whether I am "performing OK". I was looking at myself from the perspective of my partner and what I should and should not do... so that means years of bad sex, basically.
Then I entered my first marriage which, oh what a surprise, quite early became a sexless marriage. My first wife and I would have some arguments and that would make me aloof and I would "pull away". I never liked fighting, hate it when I get angry, and my "getaway" is to become introvert and "punish with coldness" (omg it sounds so idiotic now when I write it down... what a jerk). But, since we married in church, and no one in my family ever got divorced, I just could not get myself to do that, though my 1st wife wanted to divorce quite early, but as we were quite close emotionally, and in fact never had real fights, and I am not some kind of a bad guy, she did not want to hurt me so we just separated and divorced after almost 4 years. I was sexless all that time, just masturbating and feeling guilty as hell, went through couple of small nervous breakdowns.
Then at some point, I felt attraction to one girl and I said to myself, "lets try it out. if I like sex with her I will divorce". that girl had a similar situation in which it was ok for her to have sex secretly with no strings attached. And I really liked it, I divorced (on 9 11 2001!!!) and had a nice sexual relationship with her for a couple of months.
After that the "roaming" period started and I had sex with at least 50 or more girls in 5-6 years. Some experiences were great, other less so, but I was generally much more relaxed, although I still had erection problems some times. It just depended on a lot of factors, mostly psychological. If I was not totally relaxed with that girl, if there were some questions in my head, I would quickly loose erection. The biggest problem was that I would rapidly lost attraction to a girl after having sex with her for a couple of times. So at some point I started to feel fake and as I am "stopping her happiness" because I am with here, but in fact I am not with her mentally. So I would break up, be alone for a couple of weeks (or sometimes days) and then do it all again with another girl. I know it all probably sounds totally fucked up but that is how it went and at that point in my life I had no idea what I was doing - it was all a sort of a "pursuit of happiness". I was really (in my head) looking for "the one" that would keep my attention.
So after some time it became really frustrating and I started feeling awful. I said to my self, "perhaps it is not ment for all of us to have a happy relationship, family etc". I decided to stop "hunting women" and dedicate myself to my artistic career (I was quite a successful music artist back then).
THAT VERY DAY, when I decided that, I met my wife!!! Really, just like in the movies. From the first moment our eyes met, there was this crazy energy flowing, as if we were already having sex. I never experienced anything like that in my life. When I felt that feeling and that incredible energy, I said to myself "This is perhaps your chance for a life that you want and need, your chance to be someone for someone, to make it all right. Now you must not blow up it. You need to give 100% in it, no matter how hard it may be and no matter how fucked up it might seem. You must not be the one that fucks it up this time".
And it was really a decision like that, and I stayed totally loyal to that decision for 11 years. My wife and I are really different, she is totally practical , down to Earth, and a master of all "arts of daily life", really someone that can teach you the best ways of doing all the everyday little stuff, which was for me always the biggest problem. I am a creative person, living a lot in my head, always having ideas and seeing an unrealistic picture of the world.
So you can imagine how it have looked first couple of years!!! I felt totally inadequate 24 hours a day, like a total idiot! There wasn't a thing that I did as it should be done! And at that point of my life my ego was otherwise on the ceiling. So I totally, but honestly, transformed, always letting it be her way, never arguing, letting her rule my world and also letting her define what our world is and will be. I simply put my life in her hands.
We married after a couple of months. As she had a 7yo son from her 1st unhappy marriage of 2.5 years, I was able to make her life a lot better because until she met me it was all up to her. I spoiled her totally with doing all the work, groceries, cooking (she hates cooking), bills, moving to a nice cozy flat... so she started feeling alive for the first time in her life since she had her son (that's what she told me).
Our sex life was great then. She is not the type that wants it all the time, the same as me, and so we did it when it happened, with no stress or any expectations from both sides. Like me, she also liked occasional porn and masturbation to porn, so we used to watch it together sometimes, get aroused and then have sex. Feeling of having sex with here was so natural and fitting that it seemed that all that was before was just a bad dream...
Then, after a couple of year, we got our son (we wanted to have a child so it was out of love and intentional) and things started to change for me. It was none of the stuff like "she is now all about the baby, I am neglected" etc... but perhaps more in the reverse way.
You see, initially I thought that she will handle most of the stuff with the little one while I work, normally (because that's how I grew up). But, she said right at the start that her first marriage was like that and that she will not do it again. So from day one I was involved in all activities and I learned to do it all. I was lucky that I got a big job out of which I could spend almost the whole 1st year home with them, and that was a transformative experience.
But, the dynamics between us changed, mostly because I was incredible tired all the time. Our little one was really demanding, slept really badly, would wake up at any noise... Also, there was a thing right at the start that happened that was a crack in our relationship... With her 1st son she was breastfeeding for only a couple of months and then went to bottle and artificial milk. And she told me "I never had really close relationship with my first son, and I think this is because of this... so I want to try with our son to do it longer". So she tried it, but it seems that she did not have enough milk and he was hungry most of the time, crying, unable to sleep... I knew too little about it all, she was my "queen of all things practical", and I was just not the guy at that point to say "hey, don't you think that we should put him on artificial milk? you obviously don't have enough milk..." And that is what she needed then.
Looking back, that was my first big mistake... I just could not say that because I thought that her desire was completely the opposite - to do it as long as possible... so it happened that a lot of times he could not fall asleep... I started trying to make him fall asleep on my arms, standing up and moving him up and down in a tight hug, and that would make him fall asleep after 15-20 minutes... but he got used to that and she could not do it, it was too hard... so it turned out that I was the one that was doing that every night... as I have diabetes type 1 a lot of times that would put me down to hypoglicemia and she would have to quickly bring me a can of Coke to push it through... so in a way I "fucked him up", he never learned to fall asleep on his own as some kids do, but always needed someones touch, which created a string of later issues, leading all the way to the situation we now have, and that is that he is 8 yo and still sleeping together with his mother, while I sleep in another room because I snore so loud that I used to wake both her and him up! Tried it all...
So, I guess you get the picture (sorry for the length but it is hard to make it shorter...).
As time went on, our life was more or less constantly in some sort of "trouble", though all of the time we lived quite OK. but because of the fact that I could not do normal working hours with the kid we have, we were always spending a bit more money then we earned so we had to move a couple of times etc. I was constantly tired and stressed with providing money (I earn OK but it goes up and down all the time...) and focused on our little one who was really demanding all the up until he was 5 yo. Our sex was more and more rare.
Then there is one important thing to mention. My wife gets aroused a lot when she thinks about ejaculation deep inside her, creating a baby... so what we always would do was that I need to pretend that I will come inside her, and the role play had to last until I came (out). At first she did not use any protection, but it was never really clear do we want another child or not, because, 1st, she had some serious issues both before and during pregnancy, and was not advised to have more children, 2nd, our little one was so needful that it was hard to imagine how it would all work out. So, although we never said it out loud totally, I though that we will not have any more kids.
At one point, my wife said that we need birth control, but that she does not want to take pills because she is afraid of the possible consequences for the health (she had an early stage cervical cancer operated out before we met). So she wanted me to do a vasectomy. When talks about that started, I started to experience serious ED problems, it was just totally on my mind all of the time and during sex I could not focus on it... I was at once propelled back to my early days I described before. I was afraid to communicate that to her totally openly because I thought that she would take it hard and would maybe leave me if I am not ready to do a vasectomy.
At that point our problems started to grow... I started to avoid situations that would normally lead to sex, which were anyways very few, with the way we were living at that point. I thought that if I do vasectomy I would never be able to perform sexually again because it would be on my mind all the time. So, she started taking pills and we dropped the vasectomy topic for some time. But, my ED problems started and I we a couple of "wont go" moments which made her feel totally miserable and unwanted (imagine also all that she as a mother of a young child went through concerning how she feels about her body...). So, she also stopped provoking it (which se always did before, giving subtle cues, like messages with dirty thoughts etc...).
From there little by little we came to me going to full exams and getting viagra, which gave us a couple of nice sexes, but created a new problem - I had to announce that "we will be doing it" and that destroyed the spontaneous feeling we always cherished where sex is not an obligation, but something we do because we like it and love it.... She would not do it that way. Also she started being angry at me more and more and calling me more and more often "nothing more than one full washing machine more", a "roommate", "idiot for life" etc... Not a big deal, I got used to that in the early days because she is a short fuse type that would say nasty stuff but after 5-10 minutes it would always be fine again... so I would just ignore it and wait for the storm to calm down.
But then we had a couple of situations where she started mentioning divorce and how I trapped her into this marriage by attaching our little one close to myself, because I knew that at some point she will want to get out, cause I want be able to perform (because that is my problem for all of my life that I am aware of), and that only thing left to keep her in marriage would be our son... Off course, that sounds awful but she often exaggerates how she feels so I don't feel bad about that. also, I know that it is not true, because me being close to our little one (perhaps closer than a lot of fathers) was totally HER choice from the start, to save her from being a "home alone mom", for which I am eternally grateful because that experience completely changed me into a person that I finally like, a good father completely dedicated to his family.
Couple of days ago she said, thats enough, I want a divorce. She even produced some paperwork that needs to be filled out that makes the procedure much easier, concerning how it will go with our sone, and we even discussed it with him. But what happened is that our son said at first that he would rather go live with me, which I think hit here really really deep, because she said to him that it is a really bad thing to say after all that she has done for him... I told him in front of her that it is better for him to stay with her because she is more competent to raise him up, that I am perhaps better for playing and having fun, but his mother is incredible in all stuff important in life (she is also a special education teacher so knows with kids really well)...
I think that she just still can not imagine doing that to him, so she dropped the topic for now. She said openly that she is no longer attracted to me and does not ever want to have anything with me, and is more often cold and intentionally distant, though that changes throughout the day and week.
I am now trying to do whatever I can to reverse this, and, off course, it is not something that you can force. My libido is totally down, not just for her but generally. I stopped totally masturbating to see if perhaps that is the problem (though I never overdid it, it was 2-3 times a week at most, so to my knowledge much less then what guys that have a problem with this do...).
Also I am trying to change how she sees me, taking better care of myself (she always says that I dont take good care of myself, that I am cheap for my clothes etc while that is because I try to provide her and my little one with as much as I can...), starting to practice and get back in shape etc...
She knows that I am totally dedicated to her and our family, with no fingers crossed, and that my problem with sex and intimacy is something I brought into this marriage from before... but the question is whether she is prepared to tolerate this, whether she thinks that can change in some way, and in the end, whether she wants to live alone or with someone who is not providing her basic needs.
My view on all of this is that somehow I grew much older than her in this 11 years, not in terms of maturity but in what I expect of life... Perhaps also I roamed too much and was too promiscuous. Now I just want to be there for my son and help him grow into a decent young man in the next couple of years, to help and support my wife in every way possible, to be a good provider, and to get as much family peace in between. She feels much younger, and though she is not the type that likes to roam (she is very "homey"), being sexless makes her feel ugly, not wanted, inadequate and sorry for herself.
I would really like to be all that she needs, and am prepared to do what it takes, but the problem is that I am sure that this is possible. She said, "you want us to already live like our parents" , and in a way, she is right, I like that peace that they have, commitment to each other no matter what, a no-24/7-drama-life.
I asked her, "what do you feel is my problem with sex" and she said "it is just too complicated for you, all of it". And again, she is right. The thing is, that is not what I want and I am not happy with sex being complicated for me, but somehow it has always been!!! That is the most absurd thing. I want it to be different, but do not have the slightest idea how to do it.
I had some counseling on this subject and it helped (back in the past) but the thing is that my wife hates counseling and the idea that I would be speaking about our private life with someone else... so before, whenever I say I will go to do it, she would provoke sex, we would do it and it is peaceful for some time...
Fuck, now when I read all of this, it is really a total mess
Thanks for reading to anyone who got to here! All comments are more than welcome as I am really lost and I think that there is a lot to be saved in our lives.
I don't feel like that at all, and I have the feeling that I totally live for her, him and my stepson, 19yo, who lives with us. But, life is not what we think it is, but what it really is, and that is the biggest problem in relationships...
I will now sketch out my personal history maybe a bit too detailed but I really need to do that and vent out how I feel, and also it perhaps can be interesting to some of you that have my wife's problem, a husband that is "not up for it", that live in a sexless marriage with a guy that is a really good husband and father, but is also someone they no longer perceive as a partner, but more as a roommate or a friend.
When I met her, I was 35 and have spent some 7-8 years roaming and having really a lot of relationships of various intensities, longest being perhaps a couple of months. In some ways I was "venting out" since I married early and did not have that "crazy" time when you are old enough to "do what you want", but still single. So it happened to me at a later age. But, I was most of the time unhappy and felt alone. I was also quite a jerk in my relationships, becoming cold all over sudden, I would just loose my interest in a girl overnight... I never ever cheated and also never had "sex just for sex". Mostly because I could not. I had chances for that and never went that way. I had sexual problems all of my life and that is the core problem of my life, because everything else was always more or less OK. I have a nice career, job that I love, am OK with money, have been earning my own money since I was 19-20 (music production and informatics), grew up in a supportive family etc. But with sex there was always a problem.
First, I started masturbating quite early, before I could ejaculate, probably 9-10 yo. I fantasized about sex a lot but I had a big problem with approaching girls cause I am a "thinking" type, constantly spinning all outcomes and options in my mind, afraid of being spontaneous and being turned down. Also, when I was 13, I had a bad first sex experience that probably shaped my whole life. I was with a girl a year older that was already "doing it" with older guys. I was not really attracted to her, but she was getting on to me and all of my friends were pushing me to "do it with her". We were kissing and making out and then when I tried to penetrate I could not get erection at all. I was probably much too afraid and uncomfortable in that situation...
After that I was quite afraid of approaching girls sexually, although I was quite popular amongst the generation etc. So I was attracted to a lot of girls but I was just watching them from a safe distance, idolizing them. I would have a "fatal crush" on the most "sexy" girl in school etc, you know, normal teenage movie stuff, so basically I was like a "Popular nerd" kind of type. My first "achievements" started when I was 18-19 and started smoking weed which relaxed me and changed the way I functioned in society. I became more spontaneous and started hitting on girls. So I started having sex but it was 50:50. I was not able to always get a good erection, even at that age. I was quite "big" compared to my friends so I thought at that time that this is perhaps a problem.
When I look at it all now, I realize that I was in fact virtually never totally relaxed in sex. I was always "in my mind", most of the time thinking "am I doing it OK, what should I do next, when is it OK to come, will she like it" etc... basically, I was never thinking about my pleasure, but whether I am "performing OK". I was looking at myself from the perspective of my partner and what I should and should not do... so that means years of bad sex, basically.
Then I entered my first marriage which, oh what a surprise, quite early became a sexless marriage. My first wife and I would have some arguments and that would make me aloof and I would "pull away". I never liked fighting, hate it when I get angry, and my "getaway" is to become introvert and "punish with coldness" (omg it sounds so idiotic now when I write it down... what a jerk). But, since we married in church, and no one in my family ever got divorced, I just could not get myself to do that, though my 1st wife wanted to divorce quite early, but as we were quite close emotionally, and in fact never had real fights, and I am not some kind of a bad guy, she did not want to hurt me so we just separated and divorced after almost 4 years. I was sexless all that time, just masturbating and feeling guilty as hell, went through couple of small nervous breakdowns.
Then at some point, I felt attraction to one girl and I said to myself, "lets try it out. if I like sex with her I will divorce". that girl had a similar situation in which it was ok for her to have sex secretly with no strings attached. And I really liked it, I divorced (on 9 11 2001!!!) and had a nice sexual relationship with her for a couple of months.
After that the "roaming" period started and I had sex with at least 50 or more girls in 5-6 years. Some experiences were great, other less so, but I was generally much more relaxed, although I still had erection problems some times. It just depended on a lot of factors, mostly psychological. If I was not totally relaxed with that girl, if there were some questions in my head, I would quickly loose erection. The biggest problem was that I would rapidly lost attraction to a girl after having sex with her for a couple of times. So at some point I started to feel fake and as I am "stopping her happiness" because I am with here, but in fact I am not with her mentally. So I would break up, be alone for a couple of weeks (or sometimes days) and then do it all again with another girl. I know it all probably sounds totally fucked up but that is how it went and at that point in my life I had no idea what I was doing - it was all a sort of a "pursuit of happiness". I was really (in my head) looking for "the one" that would keep my attention.
So after some time it became really frustrating and I started feeling awful. I said to my self, "perhaps it is not ment for all of us to have a happy relationship, family etc". I decided to stop "hunting women" and dedicate myself to my artistic career (I was quite a successful music artist back then).
THAT VERY DAY, when I decided that, I met my wife!!! Really, just like in the movies. From the first moment our eyes met, there was this crazy energy flowing, as if we were already having sex. I never experienced anything like that in my life. When I felt that feeling and that incredible energy, I said to myself "This is perhaps your chance for a life that you want and need, your chance to be someone for someone, to make it all right. Now you must not blow up it. You need to give 100% in it, no matter how hard it may be and no matter how fucked up it might seem. You must not be the one that fucks it up this time".
And it was really a decision like that, and I stayed totally loyal to that decision for 11 years. My wife and I are really different, she is totally practical , down to Earth, and a master of all "arts of daily life", really someone that can teach you the best ways of doing all the everyday little stuff, which was for me always the biggest problem. I am a creative person, living a lot in my head, always having ideas and seeing an unrealistic picture of the world.
So you can imagine how it have looked first couple of years!!! I felt totally inadequate 24 hours a day, like a total idiot! There wasn't a thing that I did as it should be done! And at that point of my life my ego was otherwise on the ceiling. So I totally, but honestly, transformed, always letting it be her way, never arguing, letting her rule my world and also letting her define what our world is and will be. I simply put my life in her hands.
We married after a couple of months. As she had a 7yo son from her 1st unhappy marriage of 2.5 years, I was able to make her life a lot better because until she met me it was all up to her. I spoiled her totally with doing all the work, groceries, cooking (she hates cooking), bills, moving to a nice cozy flat... so she started feeling alive for the first time in her life since she had her son (that's what she told me).
Our sex life was great then. She is not the type that wants it all the time, the same as me, and so we did it when it happened, with no stress or any expectations from both sides. Like me, she also liked occasional porn and masturbation to porn, so we used to watch it together sometimes, get aroused and then have sex. Feeling of having sex with here was so natural and fitting that it seemed that all that was before was just a bad dream...
Then, after a couple of year, we got our son (we wanted to have a child so it was out of love and intentional) and things started to change for me. It was none of the stuff like "she is now all about the baby, I am neglected" etc... but perhaps more in the reverse way.
You see, initially I thought that she will handle most of the stuff with the little one while I work, normally (because that's how I grew up). But, she said right at the start that her first marriage was like that and that she will not do it again. So from day one I was involved in all activities and I learned to do it all. I was lucky that I got a big job out of which I could spend almost the whole 1st year home with them, and that was a transformative experience.
But, the dynamics between us changed, mostly because I was incredible tired all the time. Our little one was really demanding, slept really badly, would wake up at any noise... Also, there was a thing right at the start that happened that was a crack in our relationship... With her 1st son she was breastfeeding for only a couple of months and then went to bottle and artificial milk. And she told me "I never had really close relationship with my first son, and I think this is because of this... so I want to try with our son to do it longer". So she tried it, but it seems that she did not have enough milk and he was hungry most of the time, crying, unable to sleep... I knew too little about it all, she was my "queen of all things practical", and I was just not the guy at that point to say "hey, don't you think that we should put him on artificial milk? you obviously don't have enough milk..." And that is what she needed then.
Looking back, that was my first big mistake... I just could not say that because I thought that her desire was completely the opposite - to do it as long as possible... so it happened that a lot of times he could not fall asleep... I started trying to make him fall asleep on my arms, standing up and moving him up and down in a tight hug, and that would make him fall asleep after 15-20 minutes... but he got used to that and she could not do it, it was too hard... so it turned out that I was the one that was doing that every night... as I have diabetes type 1 a lot of times that would put me down to hypoglicemia and she would have to quickly bring me a can of Coke to push it through... so in a way I "fucked him up", he never learned to fall asleep on his own as some kids do, but always needed someones touch, which created a string of later issues, leading all the way to the situation we now have, and that is that he is 8 yo and still sleeping together with his mother, while I sleep in another room because I snore so loud that I used to wake both her and him up! Tried it all...
So, I guess you get the picture (sorry for the length but it is hard to make it shorter...).
As time went on, our life was more or less constantly in some sort of "trouble", though all of the time we lived quite OK. but because of the fact that I could not do normal working hours with the kid we have, we were always spending a bit more money then we earned so we had to move a couple of times etc. I was constantly tired and stressed with providing money (I earn OK but it goes up and down all the time...) and focused on our little one who was really demanding all the up until he was 5 yo. Our sex was more and more rare.
Then there is one important thing to mention. My wife gets aroused a lot when she thinks about ejaculation deep inside her, creating a baby... so what we always would do was that I need to pretend that I will come inside her, and the role play had to last until I came (out). At first she did not use any protection, but it was never really clear do we want another child or not, because, 1st, she had some serious issues both before and during pregnancy, and was not advised to have more children, 2nd, our little one was so needful that it was hard to imagine how it would all work out. So, although we never said it out loud totally, I though that we will not have any more kids.
At one point, my wife said that we need birth control, but that she does not want to take pills because she is afraid of the possible consequences for the health (she had an early stage cervical cancer operated out before we met). So she wanted me to do a vasectomy. When talks about that started, I started to experience serious ED problems, it was just totally on my mind all of the time and during sex I could not focus on it... I was at once propelled back to my early days I described before. I was afraid to communicate that to her totally openly because I thought that she would take it hard and would maybe leave me if I am not ready to do a vasectomy.
At that point our problems started to grow... I started to avoid situations that would normally lead to sex, which were anyways very few, with the way we were living at that point. I thought that if I do vasectomy I would never be able to perform sexually again because it would be on my mind all the time. So, she started taking pills and we dropped the vasectomy topic for some time. But, my ED problems started and I we a couple of "wont go" moments which made her feel totally miserable and unwanted (imagine also all that she as a mother of a young child went through concerning how she feels about her body...). So, she also stopped provoking it (which se always did before, giving subtle cues, like messages with dirty thoughts etc...).
From there little by little we came to me going to full exams and getting viagra, which gave us a couple of nice sexes, but created a new problem - I had to announce that "we will be doing it" and that destroyed the spontaneous feeling we always cherished where sex is not an obligation, but something we do because we like it and love it.... She would not do it that way. Also she started being angry at me more and more and calling me more and more often "nothing more than one full washing machine more", a "roommate", "idiot for life" etc... Not a big deal, I got used to that in the early days because she is a short fuse type that would say nasty stuff but after 5-10 minutes it would always be fine again... so I would just ignore it and wait for the storm to calm down.
But then we had a couple of situations where she started mentioning divorce and how I trapped her into this marriage by attaching our little one close to myself, because I knew that at some point she will want to get out, cause I want be able to perform (because that is my problem for all of my life that I am aware of), and that only thing left to keep her in marriage would be our son... Off course, that sounds awful but she often exaggerates how she feels so I don't feel bad about that. also, I know that it is not true, because me being close to our little one (perhaps closer than a lot of fathers) was totally HER choice from the start, to save her from being a "home alone mom", for which I am eternally grateful because that experience completely changed me into a person that I finally like, a good father completely dedicated to his family.
Couple of days ago she said, thats enough, I want a divorce. She even produced some paperwork that needs to be filled out that makes the procedure much easier, concerning how it will go with our sone, and we even discussed it with him. But what happened is that our son said at first that he would rather go live with me, which I think hit here really really deep, because she said to him that it is a really bad thing to say after all that she has done for him... I told him in front of her that it is better for him to stay with her because she is more competent to raise him up, that I am perhaps better for playing and having fun, but his mother is incredible in all stuff important in life (she is also a special education teacher so knows with kids really well)...
I think that she just still can not imagine doing that to him, so she dropped the topic for now. She said openly that she is no longer attracted to me and does not ever want to have anything with me, and is more often cold and intentionally distant, though that changes throughout the day and week.
I am now trying to do whatever I can to reverse this, and, off course, it is not something that you can force. My libido is totally down, not just for her but generally. I stopped totally masturbating to see if perhaps that is the problem (though I never overdid it, it was 2-3 times a week at most, so to my knowledge much less then what guys that have a problem with this do...).
Also I am trying to change how she sees me, taking better care of myself (she always says that I dont take good care of myself, that I am cheap for my clothes etc while that is because I try to provide her and my little one with as much as I can...), starting to practice and get back in shape etc...
She knows that I am totally dedicated to her and our family, with no fingers crossed, and that my problem with sex and intimacy is something I brought into this marriage from before... but the question is whether she is prepared to tolerate this, whether she thinks that can change in some way, and in the end, whether she wants to live alone or with someone who is not providing her basic needs.
My view on all of this is that somehow I grew much older than her in this 11 years, not in terms of maturity but in what I expect of life... Perhaps also I roamed too much and was too promiscuous. Now I just want to be there for my son and help him grow into a decent young man in the next couple of years, to help and support my wife in every way possible, to be a good provider, and to get as much family peace in between. She feels much younger, and though she is not the type that likes to roam (she is very "homey"), being sexless makes her feel ugly, not wanted, inadequate and sorry for herself.
I would really like to be all that she needs, and am prepared to do what it takes, but the problem is that I am sure that this is possible. She said, "you want us to already live like our parents" , and in a way, she is right, I like that peace that they have, commitment to each other no matter what, a no-24/7-drama-life.
I asked her, "what do you feel is my problem with sex" and she said "it is just too complicated for you, all of it". And again, she is right. The thing is, that is not what I want and I am not happy with sex being complicated for me, but somehow it has always been!!! That is the most absurd thing. I want it to be different, but do not have the slightest idea how to do it.
I had some counseling on this subject and it helped (back in the past) but the thing is that my wife hates counseling and the idea that I would be speaking about our private life with someone else... so before, whenever I say I will go to do it, she would provoke sex, we would do it and it is peaceful for some time...
Fuck, now when I read all of this, it is really a total mess
Thanks for reading to anyone who got to here! All comments are more than welcome as I am really lost and I think that there is a lot to be saved in our lives.