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Post by h on Nov 8, 2018 9:53:40 GMT -5
But did his becoming aware of you being here, and his reading of your posts bring about any real change in him as far as intimacy? It's good the communication improved. Not good that the love quotient stayed the same. Well, I would say that if it were at all possible to restart intimacy his being here would have been a catalyst. He had been refusing therapy before that. He had been refusing to hear that I was actually ready to call it quits. He had been refusing to hear how serious it was. After that we started therapy and started some real communication. In that process I came to realize this is not fixable at all. The shift that happened with him coming to this site was big. Healing? No. But important nonetheless. We have a shared laptop computer that is primarily my W's but is open for me to use whenever I want. I actually left iliasm.org in the bookmarks bar almost a year ago. She still hasn't mentioned it so either she has looked and is avoiding discussing it, or she hasn't bothered to look at it.
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Post by takestwototango on Nov 8, 2018 11:00:09 GMT -5
... Maybe he will learn something! Good. Let him learn. If he is like my ex, he will learn more lurking than he will from you repeatedly explaining in person what your needs are. Yes, I wish he would get on here and read more. Unfortunately, he is more interested in his youtube videos about stupid shit, not interested in the marriage. I have repeatedly told him if he can't give me what I need I WILL eventually look elsewhere. I actually told him yesterday I would fuck anyone and everyone I could find that would be willing to fuck me if he didn't. This morning he finally did something for me after over two months of not touching me. I had to guide him, of course, but at least he did it. But as soon as it was over, it was over. He got up and left the room. I'm feeling indifferent at the moment. Just kind of waiting. Can't really do much right now anyways, so waiting is okay for me. I've survived two years. One more can't hurt!
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Post by saarinista on Nov 10, 2018 14:04:02 GMT -5
Random thought-i think people should be less judgemental about affairs, outsourcing, whatever. living without sex and love is really painful for ao many as well as being pointless. just a mood I'm in. constantly, for the last couple of years.
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Post by Handy on Nov 10, 2018 15:06:23 GMT -5
Takestwototango This morning he finally did something for me after over two months of not touching me.
Well, that is at least something.
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jess
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by jess on Nov 10, 2018 23:59:39 GMT -5
I would just like to say if I may, please don’t privatize these boards or make them unavailable to simple search engines.
I will admit that I found this site several moths ago and never posted until today. I don’t even remember how I happened across this site, but I will say it has in many ways been a place of refuge for someone who knows all about a sexless marriage. I live in a very small town and my in laws are very influential and it is extremely difficult to talk about things like this for people like me. But please realize, it is very helpful and vital for people like me to be able to find a place that symbolizes that I am not alone in my temporary world of hell.
I can understand uncomfortableness with lurkers, but please, please oblige.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 18, 2018 8:36:28 GMT -5
Well, I would say that if it were at all possible to restart intimacy his being here would have been a catalyst. He had been refusing therapy before that. He had been refusing to hear that I was actually ready to call it quits. He had been refusing to hear how serious it was. After that we started therapy and started some real communication. In that process I came to realize this is not fixable at all. The shift that happened with him coming to this site was big. Healing? No. But important nonetheless. We have a shared laptop computer that is primarily my W's but is open for me to use whenever I want. I actually left iliasm.org in the bookmarks bar almost a year ago. She still hasn't mentioned it so either she has looked and is avoiding discussing it, or she hasn't bothered to look at it. Both options here are terrible. It makes me think about how, in the last year of our marriage I started changing as I prepared to leave my H - I started becoming more involved in various things I hadn’t done before. And although there was no way H could not have noticed these things he never asked ONE question about them. Or about me. It still is a bit of a hard pill to swallow realizing that it’s because he just didn’t CARE. Didn’t care about me, what I was doing, what I was interested in, and didn’t care enough to do everything he could to fix our marriage. He had checked out. Whether that was because he felt incapable of actually working on things or because he just didn’t love me, I don’t know. But what I do know is that with any future relationship I will not put up with someone not caring enough to even TRY.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 18, 2018 14:18:23 GMT -5
"But what I do know is that with any future relationship I will not put up with someone not caring enough to even TRY."
AMEN Sister!
Edit: I think this is going to be my new mantra.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 18, 2018 15:08:36 GMT -5
Or in my own words: "If I'm not important to you, that you're not important to me!"
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Post by Admin on Nov 26, 2018 12:33:24 GMT -5
I would just like to say if I may, please don’t privatize these boards or make them unavailable to simple search engines. I will admit that I found this site several moths ago and never posted until today. I don’t even remember how I happened across this site, but I will say it has in many ways been a place of refuge for someone who knows all about a sexless marriage. I live in a very small town and my in laws are very influential and it is extremely difficult to talk about things like this for people like me. But please realize, it is very helpful and vital for people like me to be able to find a place that symbolizes that I am not alone in my temporary world of hell. I can understand uncomfortableness with lurkers, but please, please oblige. I wanted to reiterate that this is 100% the plan for the foreseeable future. - Being "findable" (and "lurkable") is key to this site being found and being useful.
- There is no practical way to allow those who need it to be here and yet keep out snoopy and ill-intentioned users.
The only way to protect your details is: don't reveal the stuff that makes your posts personally identifiable as you. Omit the non-essential details, and fuzz up the somewhat important details so that folks still get the gist of your situation. If you have a snoopy spouse: cover your tracks as best as possible. Now if you have a vindictive spouse and are in an SM: get a new spouse.
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Post by h on Nov 26, 2018 13:04:08 GMT -5
I would just like to say if I may, please don’t privatize these boards or make them unavailable to simple search engines. I will admit that I found this site several moths ago and never posted until today. I don’t even remember how I happened across this site, but I will say it has in many ways been a place of refuge for someone who knows all about a sexless marriage. I live in a very small town and my in laws are very influential and it is extremely difficult to talk about things like this for people like me. But please realize, it is very helpful and vital for people like me to be able to find a place that symbolizes that I am not alone in my temporary world of hell. I can understand uncomfortableness with lurkers, but please, please oblige. I wanted to reiterate that this is 100% the plan for the foreseeable future. - Being "findable" (and "lurkable") is key to this site being found and being useful.
- There is no practical way to allow those who need it to be here and yet keep out snoopy and ill-intentioned users.
The only way to protect your details is: don't reveal the stuff that makes your posts personally identifiable as you. Omit the non-essential details, and fuzz up the somewhat important details so that folks still get the gist of your situation. If you have a snoopy spouse: cover your tracks as best as possible. Now if you have a vindictive spouse and are in an SM: get a new spouse. There's a browser called duckduckgo that doesn't track your usage and wipes the history with a single click. An idea for people who want to cover their tracks on home devices.
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Post by Handy on Nov 26, 2018 19:15:08 GMT -5
One forum I was on was open to the public AND we had a private section where you had to be a member of the forum to access that "member only" area. talkaboutmarriage.com/forumindex.php is the same way One of the totally private forums I was active, dwindled down to only a few posters, so totally private doesn't work long term.
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