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Post by ironhamster on Nov 7, 2018 2:32:12 GMT -5
My wife at the time joined. She posted once, a vague disbelief that she had found this place. Keep in mind, I left a lot of breadcrumbs on my trail, here, for her to find. She finally got the message that she had refused to hear from me.
I would be less concerned with a member that deactivated than one that was simply an inactive member, but, in each case it is a member of our club that we lose contact with. I would like to know people are learning more about their situation, and how to get to a better place.
I am reminded of a story about a kid on a beach scattered with starfish washed ashore from a recent tide, picking them up one at a time and throwing them back into the ocean. An old man, watching,yells out to him that there are so many that are going to dry up and die on the beach that what he is doing doesn't matter. The kid picks up another, and before hurling it back into the water, responds, "it matters to this one."
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Post by saarinista on Nov 7, 2018 5:11:51 GMT -5
i hear you, i feel your pain. it sucks. you're not alone. 💗😐
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Post by Handy on Nov 7, 2018 18:05:17 GMT -5
Baza Out of 1,282 members, there's 648 who have joined, but have not posted anything. Anything at all.I have experienced this on other forums. One thing I have read from lutkers is that some think posting on a forum about their marriage is a low grade form of cheating IF they do follow up posts. As long as they are not divulging any family secrets and they can read what might have worked for other people in similar situations, well that is not cheating. Some people have a big guilt factor to overcome before they tell their version of their story. Also some people think they should be smart enough to figure out how to change their spouse so they might feel that admitting there are relationship problems might make them look as lacking in some way IF they admit there are relationship issues in their life. .BTDT a very long time ago. How many people go on a website suspecting or looking for someone they know? I read that happens on dating sites.
A possible solution is to automatically delete a poster's account after so many days they don't post something.
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2018 18:47:23 GMT -5
Interesting to note that right now (10.30am in my jurisdiction) that - there are 0 staff, 4 members and 13 guests on the site as I type this. Over the past 24 hours, there have been 55 members and 262 guests on the site.
(these figures appear on the Forum page, just after the listed folders)
It would seem that - "Guests" (visitors) to the site are at quite healthy numbers. But "Guests" (visitors) to the site don't often join (and become members). Of those "Guests" (visitors) who DO join and become members, not too many post anything.
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Post by Handy on Nov 7, 2018 18:57:50 GMT -5
Baza, one forum I was an active user had a public section and a private section (25% of the total forum) that had a practice of only admitting members by referral of other active members. The general public could leave replies in the public section so some of those type of members got the approval for membership in the more private section of the forum. This weeded out people trying to sell stuff, a few radicals and we got to know someone a little before they had access to the "members only section."
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2018 19:30:13 GMT -5
handy: "A possible solution is to automatically delete a poster's account after so many days they don't post something."
Not a solution. If people want to lurk fine with me. Some people are too shy, inhibited, aren't comfortable with expressing themselves here, so may just lurk. Let them. It doesn't take away from what posters do.
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2018 19:34:09 GMT -5
There could also be a lot of lazy bastards like me Brother Handy. If I look at a site and it is a convoluted process to become a member, I can't be arsed, and just keep scrolling. As I recall, membership here was a pretty simple process to do.
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Post by Handy on Nov 7, 2018 20:53:57 GMT -5
Northstarmom and Baza, I am OK with what you suggest. I know some people don't want anyone to know their relationship has problems. A long time ago, when I first posted, it sort of felt like I was cheating, especially if a woman answered my questions or replied to a comment I made. A couple of times I felt like I was not intelligent enough to solve my own problems so I only posted limited information about my M. I got over those items when I read some of the people that posted for many years when they outlined what the tried but it didn't work.
The relationship books seem like they should work, so at first I had hope. Now I know better and go with the flow and do things that only require my input.
I suppose the lurkers look for things that might work but who knows how long they look at ILIASM or for what reasons.
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Post by takestwototango on Nov 7, 2018 23:05:10 GMT -5
There could also be a lot of lazy bastards like me Brother Handy. If I look at a site and it is a convoluted process to become a member, I can't be arsed, and just keep scrolling. As I recall, membership here was a pretty simple process to do. I haven't been on or posted in a long time because I think my H is on here. He had commented some time back that he knew when I was posting things about our marriage issues. In counseling he brought it up, too. I don't know how to find out if he's actually created an account or just visited. Not too worried about it at the moment. Maybe he will learn something!
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 8, 2018 2:31:42 GMT -5
There could also be a lot of lazy bastards like me Brother Handy. If I look at a site and it is a convoluted process to become a member, I can't be arsed, and just keep scrolling. As I recall, membership here was a pretty simple process to do. ... Maybe he will learn something! Good. Let him learn. If he is like my ex, he will learn more lurking than he will from you repeatedly explaining in person what your needs are.
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Post by h on Nov 8, 2018 7:31:44 GMT -5
... Maybe he will learn something! Good. Let him learn. If he is like my ex, he will learn more lurking than he will from you repeatedly explaining in person what your needs are. I agree! I'm not really advertising my membership here, but I'm also not hiding it either. I have a link to the site on my Facebook page. Nobody has ever asked me about it though. In one of the last fights I had with the W, I told her that if she wouldn't do counseling with me then I was going to have to talk to someone about this because she refused. This site has been great for me and I wouldn't deny being a member if my W asked me about it.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 8, 2018 7:55:17 GMT -5
My h came on here about a year ago and read things I wrote. It lead to him being shocked even though I had been telling him everything I was saying here. In retrospect I think I was being gentler with him than I was on here so he had a point. Anyway, it shifted something important in our communication.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 8, 2018 7:59:58 GMT -5
Back in the old EP days when I found that site I never made any effort to hide the fact that I was on the site. My X saw me on a # of occasions but she never ask me what it was that I was doing. I expect she thought I was probably up to something nefarious, but again she never ask. Had she ask I would have answered honestly that I was searching for answers and help to address why our marriage had so little intimacy. The "talks" had provided only short term relief followed by a return to avoidance on her part. Attempts at negotiation, warnings of what the eventual outcome of things continuing "as is" were to no avail in the long run. After several years of trying the many so called solutions put forth by numerous "experts" I was out of directions or new approaches. Nothing made a real difference long term.
It was only after months of back and forth with members at that site and finally being dragged kicking and screaming to the truth that my X didn't really love me did I realize the problem was not fixable. Only dissolution of the marriage would end the impasse. And so I called "time of death" and we ended it.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 8, 2018 8:04:29 GMT -5
My h came on here about a year ago and read things I wrote. It lead to him being shocked even though I had been telling him everything I was saying here. In retrospect I think I was being gentler with him than I was on here so he had a point. Anyway, it shifted something important in our communication. But did his becoming aware of you being here, and his reading of your posts bring about any real change in him as far as intimacy? It's good the communication improved. Not good that the love quotient stayed the same.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 8, 2018 8:44:54 GMT -5
My h came on here about a year ago and read things I wrote. It lead to him being shocked even though I had been telling him everything I was saying here. In retrospect I think I was being gentler with him than I was on here so he had a point. Anyway, it shifted something important in our communication. But did his becoming aware of you being here, and his reading of your posts bring about any real change in him as far as intimacy? It's good the communication improved. Not good that the love quotient stayed the same. Well, I would say that if it were at all possible to restart intimacy his being here would have been a catalyst. He had been refusing therapy before that. He had been refusing to hear that I was actually ready to call it quits. He had been refusing to hear how serious it was. After that we started therapy and started some real communication. In that process I came to realize this is not fixable at all. The shift that happened with him coming to this site was big. Healing? No. But important nonetheless.
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