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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 14:30:04 GMT -5
How can I keep doing this? I mean it’s been so long, and even longer before the last time. I don’t think I’m ugly . I just don’t know how to deal. I am wound so tight and I just don’t get it. I am doing everything I know how to do. I just feel like a failure. My husband doesn’t want to screw me, I feel like it’s tattoed on my forehead.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 14:37:01 GMT -5
How can I keep doing this? I mean it’s been so long, and even longer before the last time. I don’t think I’m ugly . I just don’t know how to deal. I am wound so tight and I just don’t get it. I am doing everything I know how to do. I just feel like a failure. My husband doesn’t want to screw me, I feel like it’s tattoed on my forehead. Most people here have been there, many still are. There's a lot of support here. You are not alone.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 14:39:17 GMT -5
Thank you !
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Nov 5, 2018 14:44:01 GMT -5
How can I keep doing this? I mean it’s been so long, and even longer before the last time. I don’t think I’m ugly . I just don’t know how to deal. I am wound so tight and I just don’t get it. I am doing everything I know how to do. I just feel like a failure. My husband doesn’t want to screw me, I feel like it’s tattoed on my forehead. You are not a failure. Sex and intimacy are what make a marriage what it is and is what differentiates it from other relationships. You are not crazy, you are not a failure, you are not overly sensitive, or anything else your H has said or you've told yourself. It's okay to want those things out of a marriage - hell it's a minimum requirement of a marriage by most standards - and you can give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel to process this and understand that what you want is okay. As for being wound so tight, I've been there. The ways to temporarily fix that are just that - temporary. It's up to you to face the real issue of your H's intimacy avoidance and how you're going to empower yourself to take control of the situation. That clarity will come with time, therapy, and working on yourself. You can do it. Cheering you on, sister.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 5, 2018 14:56:16 GMT -5
When I divorced 5 years ago, I had been married 34 years, the last 8 of which were completely sexless. There had been many other years in which we had sex only once or twice.
You can not change your husband. He has demonstrated who he is when it comes to intimacy with you. He is unlikely to become a man who has and enjoys a regular sex life with you. This site will help you decide whether to remain married and sexless, remain married while having an affair or whether you should divorce and be completely available for the trope of relationship you’d hoped to have when you marry.
It is unlikely that you are too homely to get another partner. Take a look at others who are in loving and passionate relationships. Many are homely, overweight, etc. you just are with the wrong man.
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Post by h on Nov 5, 2018 15:15:03 GMT -5
We've all been there. There's nothing wrong with you. There are numerous reasons why your H would avoid sex with you and NONE of them are your fault:
There could be a serious health issue, a medication, or low testosterone affecting his libido. He could be gay and afraid to come out. Maybe he's asexual and just has no desire for sex at all with anyone. There could be psychological issues from his past that affect his sexuality.
The one common thing about all these is that you can't fix it for him. He has to WANT to figure out the reason for himself. The only things you can do are: let him know that you are unhappy, ask him to go to the doctor to get checked out, ask him to go to counseling with you, and then decide if him refusing to try these things is a deal breaker for you. If he's not willing to work on fixing his issues, are you willing to end the marriage?
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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2018 16:45:40 GMT -5
You can easily get sucked in to chasing "why your spouse is sexually avoidant" over the hills and far away and back again - to no effect. His issues are his issues and there is nothing you can do about them - and he doesn't show too much enthusiasm in your story to do anything about them himself either. I'd draw your attention to what Brother h says above - "are you willing to end the marriage ?" This is, of course, the harshest response to your situation imaginable and is a horrendously hard thing to do. The thing is, that 'something' is going to have to change to bring the matter to resolution. And if he won't/can't change of his own volition and motivation, then the onus falls entirely on you to effect the necessary changes to resolve the matter.
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Post by h on Nov 6, 2018 8:33:23 GMT -5
She left🙁
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 6, 2018 9:54:28 GMT -5
I always hate when that happens and people unexpectedly leave without a word because I assume the worst: that her H found this and she’s “paying the price” for it. But I have no idea if her situation was abusive or not. Hopefully not 😕
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Post by h on Nov 6, 2018 9:56:35 GMT -5
I always hate when that happens and people unexpectedly leave without a word because I assume the worst: that her H found this and she’s “paying the price” for it. But I have no idea if her situation was abusive or not. Hopefully not 😕 She seemed like a nice person. I hope she's ok.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 6, 2018 11:01:57 GMT -5
When that happens, I assume the person initially posted when they were extremely angry, depressed or drunk, then when they felt better, they fell into psychological denial of how miserable sexlessness is making them.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Nov 6, 2018 11:26:57 GMT -5
When that happens, I assume the person initially posted when they were extremely angry, depressed or drunk, then when they felt better, they fell into psychological denial of how miserable sexlessness is making them. And sometimes when you come across the mirror that is this forum, and you become aware of the reality of your limited and heavy options, fear takes over.
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Post by mescaline on Nov 6, 2018 12:23:05 GMT -5
The truth, assuming it is, can be painful, uncomfortable and means huge changes to your perspective and life. It takes a lot to accept it.
Sometimes it can be easier to just bury the pain and hope things change even after you've sought help.
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Post by baza on Nov 6, 2018 19:19:24 GMT -5
In regard to the 'deleted members', I am in the Sister northstarmom school of thought. I think many people will post out of a flash of anger, regret that they did so, and delete their profile. On a sidebar, I am curious about others....in particular those who join but never post a thing. There's heaps of these. Out of 1,282 members, there's 648 who have joined, but have not posted anything. Anything at all. Maybe they learn vicariously from the stories of others and feel no need to tell their tale.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 6, 2018 19:40:25 GMT -5
The ones that bother me the most are the members who have posted many threads and then just disappear. Especially those with the crazy partners.
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