|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 1, 2018 10:26:02 GMT -5
Not sure if this is helpful for others, but in some ways, I saw myself reflected in this article on detachment. In particular, the snippet below. "Question: Do you say, “I’m leaving the relationship emotionally?" Do you tell your partner what you're doing?” Answer: Don’t announce your thoughts or plans to detach emotionally. If you are asked, respond in an emotionally neutral tone – because that’s how we feel when we detach – and say, “I’m just taking some time to think about our relationship, and I’m also taking care of myself by focusing on [insert work, school, going to the gym, etc.]." Remember, this is isn't a game. You detach not to elicit attention but to gain clarity on where the relationship is headed." www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201407/how-leave-relationship-emotionally-stay
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Nov 1, 2018 12:35:01 GMT -5
Interesting, I detached, or rather am detaching to protect myself. It is for my own mental health and to prepare for the future without my spouse, however far away that may be.
I guess I've gone beyond the evaluation stage now.
|
|
|
Post by h on Nov 1, 2018 12:51:03 GMT -5
Excellent article. Well worth the read.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 1, 2018 13:32:54 GMT -5
Some of the comments below the article were interesting. Its a divisive approach certainly.
I struggle with whether its manipulative or emotional blackmail at times. But in the end, I feel that given the context, its not an unreasonable situation. The alternatives are to leave prematurely and leave some emotional aftermath for 6 people, or an ongoing unhealthy relationship dynamic which is what we seemed destined for.
|
|
|
Post by h on Nov 1, 2018 15:05:43 GMT -5
I thought most of the comments were very negative (or nonsensical spam about spell casters). I left a comment there to support the article. Maybe detaching is exactly what is needed for a SM situation. That way a SM victim can evaluate their options rationally and minimize the emotional interference in the thought process.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 1, 2018 15:24:49 GMT -5
So my thought process is similar to yours. The objective of detaching is to seek relationship clarity and organize your thoughts and feelings. Not to manipulate and control the behaviour of others. Finding clarity is important so that relationship decisions can be made on a rational basis and not an emotional one. I thought most of the comments were very negative (or nonsensical spam about spell casters). I left a comment there to support the article. Maybe detaching is exactly what is needed for a SM situation. That way a SM victim can evaluate their options rationally and minimize the emotional interference in the thought process.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 1, 2018 17:12:54 GMT -5
In the context of an ILIASM deal, detaching emotionally is the smart play irrespective of whether you are staying - or undecided - or going.
If you are staying, detaching will take a bit of the sting out of the rejective behaviours of your spouse. If you are undecided, detaching may help you get off the fence and committed to one course or the other. If you are going then detachment is good practice and grounding for the ultimate detachment of divorce - if that's the way you choose to go.
This bit in the referenced article is HUGELY important I think - quoting here - "Remember, this is isn't a game. You detach not to elicit attention but to gain clarity on where the relationship is headed".
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Nov 2, 2018 3:54:40 GMT -5
Leaving emotionally is easier said than done. Emotions are, emotional, not logical. We can't just stop caring and start caring like we can empty and fill a bank account.
I was convinced emotionally that I was in love with my wife long after logically I knew she could never love me the way I needed to be loved, if hers was even love at all. It would have shortened my pain by decades if I could have just badged out of the emotional time clock and taken a two week logical review of my situation early on.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 2, 2018 6:13:37 GMT -5
Knowing what I know now, detachment is an effective relationship tool. Taking a break, a breather, a timeout from the relationship. At a minimum, it serves to provide some distance and hopefully clarity. It might also serve as a cautionary flag to both parties that the relationship is in trouble and hopefully serves as a catalyst for further discussion or decision. Detachment strategy should be a fundamental part of an exit playbook. That is active and deliberate actions should be taken to detach from the relationship. Taking care of self should be number 1 on that list of actions. This could be joining a gym, taking up a hobby, yoga, meditation, joining a church group, teaching others your expertise, that sort of thing. You want to have activities that fill the void that comes from spending less time with your spouse but also build you up. I think speaking and acting neutrally as roommates is also fundamental. Letting go of resentment and anger are much harder but also important for detaching. Even if you have to fake it till you make it. Updating your therepaist and support group about the actions you've taken to detach also seems prudent. There is much more. But the bottom line is to consider deliberate detachment as part of the exit playbook and then actively execute on detaching as a conciouos decision. In the context of an ILIASM deal, detaching emotionally is the smart play irrespective of whether you are staying - or undecided - or going. If you are staying, detaching will take a bit of the sting out of the rejective behaviours of your spouse. If you are undecided, detaching may help you get off the fence and committed to one course or the other. If you are going then detachment is good practice and grounding for the ultimate detachment of divorce - if that's the way you choose to go. This bit in the referenced article is HUGELY important I think - quoting here - "Remember, this is isn't a game. You detach not to elicit attention but to gain clarity on where the relationship is headed".
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Nov 3, 2018 14:38:21 GMT -5
This paper is totally spot on for me. Detaching is exactly what I am now consciously doing within my marriage. Reclaiming myself in every way I can (from the wilderness that was bringing up the children) in preparation for my second life. I do all that I can to keep a happy and contented atmosphere at home and the illusion of a solid marriage while I get myself together. (This also includes engaging with crappy reset sex when it suits me.) In the past I have felt that this is very Machiavellian and contradictory with my values. But do you know what? It keeps the peace and protects us all today, and at the moment I will settle for that.
|
|