Post by davth1701 on Oct 21, 2018 3:46:51 GMT -5
I just found this site tonight and have spent some hours browsing the various forums and posts. I have never told my story anywhere, but here goes.
I am a 55 yo male, married for 32 years. The first years were amazing - we were best friends, passionate lovers, did everything together and absolutely couldn't get enough of each other. We had a child, then, a few years later, another. Both pregnancies were difficult and high-risk, but worked out fine except that the second seemed to really tear up my wife (physically). As our oldest was getting toward school age, we decided to move to my family farm in a small town thinking the small school would be better. We also planned to use our savings and start a business. Well, the school was downright scary in some very significant ways and the business didn't work out due to a lack of ability to stick to a plan (on both our parts). I was able to find a good job in the area and my wife decided to homeschool, so everything worked out well. We survived those stressful times with no real problems.
A few years later, the debt kept increasing and my job seemed on shaky ground so we (after many long discussions) decided to move to a city a few hours drive away so I could find a better, higher paying job. This was to be a couple of years to build our savings again, then move back to the farm. I found the job and initiated the move, but my wife never got around to actually packing a box, let alone moving. To make it worse, my dad had a heart attack the day I gave notice at my job and ended up having to move to the city, into an assisted living facility. My dad could afford this for a while, but again, we decided (after many long discussions) to find a house where we would be comfortable living with him. I was able to find a large house that would give us all privacy and enough room to spread out. My wife came to visit and thought the house was great. But she still wouldn't move.
For the next several months, I drove back to the farm every weekend to see my family and work on things that needed fixed (no end to that on an old farm). During this time, our marriage seemed solid but the sex was definitely on the wane. Then one weekend she just turned it off. The whole relationship was just shit. She started verbally attacking me for anything I said. I tried everything I could to find out what was wrong, what I could do to help. I got nothing but anger and vitriol. I cannot describe the depth of my hurt at that time. She could have died and it would have been much easier to bear.
About 2 years later I finally had an epiphany that it was over. My marriage that I had cherished and depended on for so many years was truly over and done. I felt liberated and sad and adrift and lots of other things. I chose to stay with the marriage and commute to see the kids every weekend. I tried to find a job back there, but was vehemently not welcome to move back. Over the next year or so it got so bad I was afraid she might poison me. Literally. Some of the farm work is kind of dangerous and I felt that if I cut my leg off with the chainsaw I would most likely bleed out without a call to 911. She was still devoted and loving to the kids, so I wasn't worried about them (not too much anyway), but still missed them desperately. I was not alone in being rejected - she alienated all her friends and her family as well. I felt that I got the worst, but that may have just been my perspective.
Over the next few years, my sister battled breast cancer (and lost), and my dad's health deteriorated and finally failed. All through this I got nothing but hostility and contempt from my wife. Life went on, I found other interests to keep me busy during the week (spirituality, meditation, cycling, a long distance outsource relationship). I downsized to a small townhome as a place to live alone. As I pulled back from trying or even hoping for a change in the marriage, it got marginally better, to the point I no longer worried about poisons or "accidents".
So, life goes on. My son went to college and graduated on the Dean's list. My daughter is still in college, also on the Dean's list. My wife finally moved to the city three years ago and is working part time. She seems happy and friendly and seems to feel like everything is just fine. But we never talk. We sleep in separate rooms. We are just roommates. About three years ago, I developed an inner ear issue that makes it unsafe for me to ride a bicycle (my major fitness and stress relief all my life). I have been depressed and uninterested in pretty much everything. I have a great job and work everyday to support this family, but the debt piles higher every year due to a lack of ability to stick to a plan (on both our parts) and I feel completely hopeless that I will ever be able to retire. I am afraid of the day when both kids are out of the house - I can hardly imagine trying to cohabit without anyone else to moderate. I find that I really miss the days when I lived here alone.
I don't know what I'm looking for here on this forum. There is no easy advice or magic bullet to fix this. I turn to porn for self-gratification to ease my sexless existence because I feel like a real-life relationship would be way too much trouble in so many ways. I don't think I could keep it "just FWB". I have no friends to talk to, so maybe I just need to unload this to the universe. I have considered divorce and just don't have the courage to try. It would be financially devastating for everyone involved (except the lawyers). I have considered trying to work on my marital relationship, but I lack the will and the courage to try that as well. I don't think I would survive the hurt again.