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Post by saarinista on Nov 23, 2018 3:07:07 GMT -5
My W think sex positive books that are written by women are paid for by sex crazed men. In effect, men pay women to get what some want, based on the man's little head. yeah, well, I get that from my angry male husband too. i care about him, but when i try to explain that going 9 years without sex is not normal or healthy, I get a lecture about how Americans are hooked on booze and sex (not remotely the same thing) or how there's more to life than sex, or a lecture subtley slut shaming me because yes, I had sex with a few people before i met him at age 35! I can't even ... Im sorry. I am not a freak or a slut for wanting sex more than once a decade, not for wanting it with some passion and feeling! interestingly, since bein called essentially a slut or sex addict for my interest in sex, I now now longer realy feel like having it with my husband. go figure, eh?
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 23, 2018 8:08:56 GMT -5
“interestingly, since bein called essentially a slut or sex addict for my interest in sex, I now now longer realy feel like having it with my husband.”
Your husband’s name calling has finally gotten the results he wanted. Still, that’s to your benefit. It just set you up for unhappiness to want sex with someone who thinks sex is unnatural and didn’t want it with you.
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Post by Handy on Nov 23, 2018 11:44:01 GMT -5
Saarinista Im sorry. I am not a freak or a slut for wanting sex more than once a decade, not for wanting it with some passion and feeling!
Saarinista, in an ideal situation I would want something physical to happen 2X a week. So your H's opinions are way off base. I do have to admit that I didn't know until I got the Internet some women actually liked sex and all of the physical activities that go along with romantic encounters.
I will admit I have a problem with saying ILU and you look sexy/very attractive to my W. I am certain some people said positive things to me as I was growing up but I don't recall any positive comments until I started mowing some widow's lawns about age 12-14. I got a double bonus, compliments AND money which was really scares at the time.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 23, 2018 13:38:02 GMT -5
Oh Saarinista - my ex was like that with me, too. Now I am with a man who loves my sexuality and says so often! When you're in the situation it can feel normal or you can start to believe what you're told over and over again. I know that intellectually you KNOW that what he's saying is BS, but it's also really easy to think "is that maybe a little bit true"?
Well - I'm out of that shit now and I've told my partner some of what my ex has said to me and we just laugh.
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Post by Handy on Nov 23, 2018 14:01:10 GMT -5
elkclan2 Well - I'm out of that shit now and I've told my partner some of what my ex has said to me and we just laugh.
WTG Elkclan2.
I have read other people's post that still have a little bit of "maybe it is/was me" in the back of their mind.
Me, I know I might find someone that likes the physical and emotional connection but that might not be easy. I think a lot of people have thoughts the relationship market doesn't have many of what we as individuals would like to have or need.
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Post by saarinista on Nov 24, 2018 0:53:06 GMT -5
elkclan2 Well - I'm out of that shit now and I've told my partner some of what my ex has said to me and we just laugh.WTG Elkclan2 I have read other people's post that still have a little bit of "maybe it is/was me" in the back of their mind. Me, I know I might find someone that likes the physical and emotional connection but I also contemplate that being 65++ that might not be easy or be natural for many women also 65++. I think a lot of people have thoughts the relationship market doesn't have many of what we as individuals would like to have or need. Okay, first off, Handy , men are in the driver's seat (I think) in the 65+ dating market because frankly, there are more older women out there than men because men die younger (in the aggregate!) LOL Though I will admit, I haven't seen studies on how many of those older single women are interested in sex. I always assumed most people had sex to some extent until they died or became totally disabled physically (and I'm not talking ED or vaginal changes and I can't believe I'm talking about this on the internet, but oh well, screw it!) I'm talking about people who cant walk. However, there may be many single older women who just want a man to cuddle with, but not to have sex of any sort with. I recommend Googling that. Surely someone has done a peer reviewed study with bar graphs and charts and statistics. My assumptions may be skewed because I'm an oddball: I'm an only child with no children whose parents had me when they were in their 40s and lived into their 90s. I'm late with everything. Don't take my views as gospel: go to medline or other scientific resources to check the odds of how many older women want real sex.
Surely northstarmom and I can't be the only two randy "older" women in the world! Can we? Secondly, I have to say that I had one devil of a time finding my current, first and only husband at age 35. For whatever reason, I had absolutely horrible "luck" with men in my 20's and 30's. So, finding someone else if I go that route now that I'm older may or may not be harder than it was the first time around. Sounds like you, handy, had no problem getting hitched the first time. Who knows how your reboot will go... My main point is it's not necessarily easy to find a good match at any age. But apparently, none of us on this board did so well the first time, so maybe we're due for some good luck in our reduxes! Who knows?
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Post by Handy on Nov 24, 2018 21:34:17 GMT -5
saarinista, I printed out and read a multi page about dating. It sounded like some want to have a man and some just want to live without considering another person all of the time. Some want activity partners to do things then they want to go home alone. It sounded encouraging but the women I hear talking among them selves mostly say they did the partner thing and now want to do their own things without having to consider someone else. They say they want their own space and don't want anyone in that space except them-self. Then there is the money issue. Most or many fear they will be used because they have a little money and the next is fear of the guy's health deteriorating until they have to take care of the new guy. I have experienced having a dog die and it really hurt, to the point I didn't want another hurt like that again so I wasn't going to have another dog. It was no more dogs=no more feeling the loss when the dog dies. It might be like the dog thing for some women and a new man.
However, there may be many single women who just want a man to cuddle with, but not to have sex of any sort with. I believe you. I know one woman that says she needs nn hugs a day, so I initiate when I see her and when I leave. She admitted to be highly sexual before, but her H had ED but she understood his problems and loved him anyway. She said she couldn't see her self being sexual again. My guess is she knows she is over weight and I suspect she wouldn't find a man like her dead H. I have 2 sisters and they both say a few activity dates are OK but nothing more, they were married and now they want to be on their own and not consider someone else.
A couple of other women I know are very religious and to me I need current prof something is true. A hundred ancient books could say it was true, but I want to test it out in this day and age. Praying for someone when they have stage 4 cancer and they die anyway is why I need better prof than what is in a book. I am a "where the rubber meets the road" type. These women are "nice" but I can tell that I throw sand in their belief systems. I don't want to make others uncomfortable so I say as little as possible.
My main point is it's not necessarily easy to find a good match at any age. This I can totally agree with. Maybe I have it wrong but my thoughts are as people get older, they have certain beliefs and traits that make compatibility more difficult in SOME ways. I am not that well versed in what causes people to get along or have problems. I mentally try to analyze how I would mesh or conflict with several different people . The widow that likes hugs is super compatible in some areas but she needs her space and needs things done ASAP. I have lots of things because I do many things but it takes me longer than average to get things done. Then there are some activity limits that she has so I would be on my own again if she was a live-in partner. This leads to some people being good activity partners but not good enough to live together
You saying you and Northstarmom are the exception and at the same time not the exceptions, I can understand that. It would be encouraging to me if I actually encountered someone like you two in my circle of friends but I suppose talking so openly among real friends is sort of not done because of some people's inhibitions and not wanting to upset or encourage anyone people regard as friends. There is one lady I know I drop hints but she never bites so I don't go there. I don't want to impose or be too forward and complicate the friendship.
Saarinista sorry that your M was deficient so early on. My M was good until things started piling up and slowly went into the tank (emotionally and physically distant due to financial strains, medical issues, and the ever changing social and physical / employment environment.
Nice picture. Does it have a special meaning?
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Post by saarinista on Nov 25, 2018 5:13:53 GMT -5
Nice picture. Does it have a special meaning?
[/quote]
as for the picture, it's a flower arrangement i did at church. I felt like bringing some beauty into this dismal, joyless space many of us inhabit, so i looked through my pictures and this popped up. so i posted it! sorry it's so big. 8 I should have cropped it, but oh, well. 🙄 meh.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 25, 2018 10:13:02 GMT -5
saarinista, if you decide on a reboot, how it goes is mostly up to you, depending on what you want, or can tolerate. I believe as we age guys do have the advantage. One divorced guy at my old job had three girlfriends he was servicing. Another was a serial monogamist, enjoying the energy of a new relationship for a month or three at a time. I have a membership at a local swinger's club. I have gone, and like the energy of a sex positive environment. I could get laid by a different girl no strings attached on a pretty regular basis, and I have permission, but I just haven't. If you found yourself in the Tacoma area, I could be a very bad influence on you. Imagine having your pick of a room full of guys, and no limits on quantity. If monogamy is still more your thing, the internet has made it much easier to find a match. I know, it's not perfect, but there are options. MeetUp is a good one for finding local groups of people with a similar interest. Let me point out that you can do MeetUp guilt free while you are still married, since it is technically a way to find things to do.
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Post by formerbackbacker on Nov 25, 2018 11:07:05 GMT -5
Beauty is usually a welcomed entree regardless circumstances of its creation. Creativity is an essential part of our humanity. For the sex starved man (or woman), I imagine ideas that help us affirm our desires and challenges.
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Post by formerbackbacker on Nov 25, 2018 11:07:21 GMT -5
Beauty is usually a welcomed entree regardless of the circumstances of its creation. Creativity is an essential part of our humanity. For the sex starved man (or woman), I imagine ideas that help us affirm our desires and challenges.
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Post by Handy on Nov 25, 2018 18:34:35 GMT -5
Saarinista, like I said nice picture and a good idea about posting it in a dismal place. No worries about cropping the picture or its size. It is perfect the way it is. Like they say the thought is very important and in this case the picture is also good.
Ironhamster, I think a lot of the sex starved people have had so little sexual experience a Swinger's Club would be too big a leap to make. I for one would feel inexperienced to a degree to a mental construct as to what I might do so the woman partner was having as much pleasure as I might be having. I am also rather selfish and don't like sharing sexual partners unless it looks like it will be long term. I am guessing there are more "I don't share" than there are "swingers."
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 25, 2018 20:16:08 GMT -5
I am sure you are right about that, Handy. I know I am not at all the same man I was even two years ago, and would not have taken well to the suggestion. I am just trying to point out even if there is a paucity of available men in one age bracket, there are options.
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Post by Handy on Nov 25, 2018 20:41:52 GMT -5
No doubt there are options. Going the option route is something I think about but haven't done much about. I just work in a few tame ideas with people I encounter on a regular basis, being careful not to push too far.
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Post by Handy on Nov 25, 2018 21:48:10 GMT -5
Northstarmom and a few others have suggested checking out more about what some women want and what is available. I don't have any "want or available data, but I did look into places to start reading. 1 Match.com 39.7 Million* M: 49% | F: 51%* ★★★★★4.9 2 Elite Singles 2 Million* M: 43% | F: 57%* ★★★★★4.6 3 eharmony 4.1 Million* M: 48% | F: 52%* ★★★★★4.5 4 ChristianMingle 3.5 Million* M: 44% | F: 56%* ★★★★★4.4
I was surprised with the M to F ratios. I know for a fact Match keeps women's profiles as current even if the woman asked to have her account deleted over a year ago. I also know eHarmany matches up people very distant from each other.
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