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Post by tinymouse on Oct 14, 2018 2:42:27 GMT -5
Sorry couldnt figure out a better title. So on a different message board I have often seen a woman (thr board is geared mostly towards women) saying how she doesnt feel confident, sexy, desirable.... etc because her husband wont have sex with her, wont look at her, but will break his neck for other women. And other posters will tell her it's a 100% her issue, that it's not his job to make her feel confident, and that she shouldnt rely on someone else. I dont understand. How? How can the husbands actions have no bearing in how she feels. How can they say that to her? How can you feel confident and sexy than the one person that is supposed to find you desirable and beautiful acts as if you are absolutely the opposite...
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Post by mescaline on Oct 14, 2018 2:56:45 GMT -5
It is a massive grey area for me too. I can understand that it isn't anyone else's responsibility to ensure my happiness. Yet, squaring that circle with a wife that finds me undesirable is difficult.
It has been mentioned that this could result in a kind of codependent relationship, and I'm sure there is truth in that. No answers I'm afraid, but ultimately I think you do have to look to yourself to look after yourself, even when you're in a good relationship.
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Post by Handy on Oct 14, 2018 3:01:17 GMT -5
In one sense what other people do or don't do for an individual shouldn't dictate how a person thinks about them-self. I know practically people do react to what another person says or does with or towards an individual means something. If someone says I am so dumb, no matter how hard I try to do something, I will never reach a goal I set, I can choose to ignore that person if I think they are unjustly trying to put me down. I have read stories of a spouse saying the other spouse is too fat to have sex with out of spite but a person would be better off not giving that comment any value, but it still hurts. I guess my point is to know when someone's comments are true or false and proceed from that point and not buy into false statements.
My w said she did not have to worry about me ever having an affair because no one would want me. Well it did sting but I know better. This is an example where I didn't take my W's comment to heart and relied on my own internal estimation of self-worth.
What is the other board's URL? I would like to read a sample of what you are describing.
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jetcity
Junior Member
Searching for an answer
Posts: 62
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by jetcity on Oct 14, 2018 3:09:19 GMT -5
Definitely another member of the SM club. I hear this same person and spouse described over and over again on ILIASM. She does deserve better from her spouse by the way.
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Post by tinymouse on Oct 14, 2018 3:17:07 GMT -5
In one sense what other people do or don't do for an individual shouldn't dictate how a person thinks about them-self. I know practically people do react to what another person says or does with or towards an individual means something. If someone says I am so dumb, no matter how hard I try to do something, I will never reach a goal I set, I can choose to ignore that person if I think they are unjustly trying to put me down. I have read stories of a spouse saying the other spouse is too fat to have sex with out of spite but a person would be better off not giving that comment any value, but it still hurts. I guess my point is to know when someone's comments are true or false and proceed from that point and not buy into false statements.
My w said she did not have to worry about me ever having an affair because no one would want me. Well it did sting but I know better. This is an example where I didn't take my W's comment to heart and relied on my own internal estimation of self-worth.
What is the other board's URL? I would like to read a sample of what you are describing.
community.babycenter.com/post/a70317545/dont-feel-sexy-or-confident
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Post by baza on Oct 14, 2018 3:17:57 GMT -5
Like Brother Handy , I'd like to see the whole thing in context, is it anything like that babycentre thing that got you riled up back in early 2016 ? Addendum - Thanks for your additional info Sister tinymouse . I see it's actually the same site you are talking about. Unless you like fighting with persons of extreme views, it might be best to avoid the site. The chances of getting a rational discussion going on there are not real good.
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Post by tinymouse on Oct 14, 2018 3:30:32 GMT -5
Like Brother Handy , I'd like to see the whole thing in context, is it anything like that babycentre thing that got you riled up back in early 2016 ? I have for a long time thought that posters in the group contribute to a lot of relationships issues and sounds very much like a place refusers would hang out at or find a lot of support at.
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Post by tinymouse on Oct 14, 2018 3:43:55 GMT -5
Like Brother Handy , I'd like to see the whole thing in context, is it anything like that babycentre thing that got you riled up back in early 2016 ? Addendum - Thanks for your additional info Sister tinymouse . I see it's actually the same site you are talking about. Unless you like fighting with persons of extreme views, it might be best to avoid the site. The chances of getting a rational discussion going on there are not real good. Oh yeah. I dont really post there anymore. Especially not when it comes to this. It is so one sided that if you offer an opinion different from the common theme, you got attacked visiousy. So I just on rare occasion read a random post of title sparks my interest and then just hit back button.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 14, 2018 6:54:37 GMT -5
There is much to be said for the ideal of freeing yourself from needing approval and validation from others. It is a beautiful goal to own your own emotions.
However it is absurd to believe this is common or simple or even fully possible. We are social creatures as a species. Ask any therapist and they will confirm most of our long term ingrained responses are things we developed in response to our family if origin. If someone has a controlling mother or a distant father these things shape our emotional responses and our sense of self.
It is no one's "job" to make someone feel sexy. But sex is part if marriage. Rejection hurts. People do have the power to hurt and demean others. No theoretical independence can stop that. But each of us can choose to work toward owning our sexiness and our independence.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2018 7:20:34 GMT -5
“How can you feel confident and sexy than the one person that is supposed to find you desirable and beautiful acts as if you are absolutely the opposite...”
You can do things that make you feel sexy and attractive and then not look to your h for approval but look to yourself, your women friends and other men. At 50 I started working out 2 hours a day, lost 35 pounds was down to my weight in my early 20s. Changed my hairstyle. Put on makeup. I liked what I saw in the mirror. No response at all from my h but lots of appreciative looks from other men. I also started living my life for me — doing fun activities and making friends without my h in tow.
It still took me 10 years to decide to divorce my h. Probably would have been faster if I had found iliasm’s precursor EP before not after my divorce. Then I would have had good advice and support during my self discovery and self appreciation journey. You are lucky. You have those things and can learn from experienced and empathic others that how your h sees you reflects his dysfunction not your overall appeal.
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 14, 2018 9:12:14 GMT -5
Those people on baby center are full of crap. Yes, self-esteem is driven from within but when you have someone who is constantly putting you down it will have an effect. It is just as @workingonit said - we are social creatures and conditioned to respond and react to the actions (and words) of others. It's not always in our best interests to do so and we can rise above it, but it takes a lot of self-awareness and work.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 14, 2018 10:43:19 GMT -5
I think a SM is one big mindfuck. The promise that was made to love and cherish has perished away and turned into rejection which is very debilitating both mentally and emotionally. It causes us to question ourselves and ask “what’s wrong with me?” It can lead to depression and an unhealthy life. There should be certain expectations that come with marriage and I believe you get what you give. So if you are not getting the marriage you want why should the refuser get the marriage they want. In regards to self esteem and validation that is part of showing someone love whether it’s a spouse or a child. I really think this speaks to the concept of love languages which I believe in. Everyone has different ways that make them feel loved, and I do think these can change over time somewhat. I also think that all love languages should be expressed some more than others. I am big on Words of affirmation. I really like that but it took outsourcing for me to get that. Needless to say my self esteem was very bad during my marriage. Mr. Baseballgirl was a lousy husband and now he’s basically a roommate/ best friend, it’s not conventional after a divorce but I no longer rely on him to feed me with what he’s not capable of. My fwb have discussed the validation and support that we provide for each other. So I basically seeked out what I needed for myself to be happy by finding that with 2 different men. Again it’s not conventional but it works for me and my family for now.
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Post by Handy on Oct 14, 2018 11:28:53 GMT -5
I read the link and see a common problem some men have, it is the "new effect." Some people tend to do things for someone relatively new that they have met or interacted with. This is what some of the women are complaining about.
Like other posters have said, being around a spouse that doesn't convey what is important to an individual feels like rejection or they do not care about the spouse / significant other.
On paper a person should not totally rely on outside validation but as tinymouse says, it is not helpful being told it is the womans problem in the case of the posts on the indicated forum.
Life is a balance between being concerned what others think or say about an individual (co-dependent) and the individual being totally reliant on their own opinions (self-centered).
Rarely being validated usually leads to a person feeling somewhat worthless or some other not so good feelings. What others say or do can affect a person in many ways, in a negative or positive direction. The trick is to find a balance between how others treat us and what we as individuals find to actually be true.
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Post by h on Oct 15, 2018 11:31:02 GMT -5
Sorry couldnt figure out a better title. So on a different message board I have often seen a woman (thr board is geared mostly towards women) saying how she doesnt feel confident, sexy, desirable.... etc because her husband wont have sex with her, wont look at her, but will break his neck for other women. And other posters will tell her it's a 100% her issue, that it's not his job to make her feel confident, and that she shouldnt rely on someone else. I dont understand. How? How can the husbands actions have no bearing in how she feels. How can they say that to her? How can you feel confident and sexy than the one person that is supposed to find you desirable and beautiful acts as if you are absolutely the opposite... I would argue that by entering into a marriage, both parties are agreeing to accept the job of caring for their spouses' emotional needs. If you married the person, it IS your job to make the person you married feel wanted and desired.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2018 11:33:55 GMT -5
"Like other posters have said, being around a spouse that doesn't convey what is important to an individual feels like rejection or they do not care about the spouse / significant other."
It doesn't just "feel like" rejection it is rejection. It does mean that the spouse/sig other doesn't care about one's feelings. The question then is whether you yourself care enough about your feelings to end a marriage/romantic partnership with a person who doesn't care about your needs.
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