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Post by choosinghappy on Oct 2, 2018 7:01:27 GMT -5
Previous posters are right on but I also want to add: when going through something like this you also feel vulnerable. Your comfort during vulnerable times in the past was likely your H and the comfortable familiarity in your life. So giving that up likely makes you feel more lost and conflicted. It’s natural! Hang in there warmways. We are here and we understand.
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Post by warmways on Oct 2, 2018 11:30:25 GMT -5
This is it exactly. Thanks for helping me make sense of so many feelings.
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Post by Dan on Oct 3, 2018 14:01:36 GMT -5
I have so many little comments! I’ve filed and my h is signing the initial papers and getting them to my lawyers office Tuesday…I should be happy. I’m instead full of guilt sadness confusion - everything. Trying to feel my emotions and then let them fall away but they keep coming. I agree with this approach! Your feelings and emotions kind of "just happen". You don't get to decide them! What you do get to do is decide what you say and what you do when you feel them. In some cases -- like during intense emotions that you are feeling now -- it is best to say and do as little as possible, until your brain can catch up with your emotions, and you can start to figure out what you want to say and do next. Trying not not to feel bad. Again: feel your feelings. There is no problem with that. Making lists of all the things he did that were so wrong so I will be angry and instead barely feeling anything. He avoided and ignored me for all this time and I still miss the familiarity. What is wrong with me? This is understandable... but do not dwell in this. You've made your decision to move forward with the divorce. Spend more energy in TRUSTING THE PART OF YOU that made that decision. Maybe I stayed too long (18 years) until my healthy feelings of anger and being self protective were stamped out of me. I suggest you stayed exactly as long as you needed to, and a "grand scheme of things" sense. Something prevented you from leaving N years ago; don't fight it. Trust it. I keep wanting to reach out to him even though I know it’s unhealthy. I think I understand that from a "breakup" I had many years ago: I was so sad... and the person who I always turned to to discuss my feelings was... her! Yeah: find someone else. Us; an IRL friend; your therapist. This is is basically a comment…I know I have to be strong and hopefully the emotions won’t keep coming. Let the waters -- and emotions -- flow. Just don't say or do anything that is irrevocable. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. Maybe that will help! She can talk some sense into me. I hope it went well. Sounds like you might need one or two meeting a week... for a spell. Don't hesitate to ask her or him if this is a possibility if you think you need it.
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Post by Dan on Oct 3, 2018 14:29:34 GMT -5
Posting this as its own reply: Wondering what to tell my mother in law. Thinking of writing her. Maybe someday. Why now? And, anyways, she's responsible for how she feels about it. You aren't! Here is my recommend formula: - Write down what you feel you need to say.
- Sit on it for a while. A few hours or days.
- Re-read it. Edit it. Make it better. But still don't send it.
- Repeat steps 2 and 3 until you have not changed one word of it for three consecutive reads.
- Then still don't send it!
What I'm getting at is: this process might be therapeutic for you. But who knows what she needs to hear; it may be what you have to say, or may not.
Once you've reflected on all this, I'll bet there is a 90% chance you won't even feel the need to send it anymore.
In that 10% case: OK, send it. You did the "you-work" you needed before you sent it.
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Post by warmways on Oct 3, 2018 14:42:55 GMT -5
Dan thanks for your thoughts. My sister said the same feel your feelings but don’t act on them and my therapist said I don’t need to send my mother in law a card at all and just wahat you said - she needs to rely on her family friends a and herself and deal with her feelings.
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Post by warmways on Oct 3, 2018 14:43:30 GMT -5
Dan thanks for your thoughts and great input. My sister said the same feel your feelings but don’t act on them and my therapist said I don’t need to send my mother in law a card at all and just wahat you said - she needs to rely on her family friends a and herself and deal with her feelings.
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