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Post by flounder on Oct 5, 2018 18:16:48 GMT -5
This. If you can’t love yourself,you can’t love someone else. Sometimes, though, you need the love of someone else to learn how to love yourself. Good point.
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Post by Handy on Oct 5, 2018 18:35:25 GMT -5
I know a person is NOT supposed to depend on outside validation, but being criticized and told we are defective, it helps to have validation by outsiders.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 5, 2018 22:13:52 GMT -5
I agree. I think it's a rare person who can feel great without being loved and appreciated by at least a few other people. In fact if you DO feel great in your bubble, that might be a little, well, unhealthy. I don't know. Generally, people need people. I know a person is NOT supposed to depend on outside validation, but being criticized and told we are defective, it helps to have validation by outsiders.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 5, 2018 22:19:40 GMT -5
This. If you can’t love yourself,you can’t love someone else. Sometimes, though, you need the love of someone else to learn how to love yourself. every situation is different. while affairs are not ideal, neither is living without sex. do what you have to, be careful, don't berate yourself.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 5, 2018 22:23:51 GMT -5
yeah, i have to agree.. As ive recently contemplated an affair, its not a simple thing-at least not a "good" and "safe" affair. for one thing , like many, I don't want to just randomly copulate with any person. I'd have to respect them and they'd have to meet cetain grooming standards and other compatibility criteria. 😞 Not easy to find! secondly, it would be better to have an affair with another married person, but that's even harder to find. thirdly, i might fall in love. but falling in love with an affair partner is not the same as falling in love after a divorce. what if the affair guy and i got divorced and married each other and it didnt work out? That kind of scenario would ruin my whole day. despite the dangers, i can envision cirumstances under which an affair could be an advisable option, especially for those who can separate love from sex. But not everyone is good at that. Everyone and every situation is different. You have to be careful. unfortunately. Personally, i think that the UN or WHO (not NATO or the G-7) should internationally sanction one or two days annually on which everyone can screw anyone they wish with no repercussions. A sexual "Purge" if you will. We probably won't get a lot of buy in from the Middle East, but that's their choice. Compared to my current situatiom, one day annually of hot sex would get me through life. I know who I'd be doing it with, too,assuming his nation bought into the Sexual Purge Day pact. Alas, i dont see this becoming a reality in the near future. But a girl can dream, can't she? 😩 Is it optional or required that you have to wear a creepy mask and have lots of guns? Would we have to pray to our new founding fathers? What about founding MILFs? I'm sorry to say, but I believe your plan needs to be a bit better "fleshed" out. I'm working on "The Sexual Purge" international coalition of sexual forces. In my spare time. 🤔😜 I agree many details need fleshing out. mmmm. flesh! 😛😛
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Post by baza on Oct 5, 2018 23:00:05 GMT -5
As ever, these things improve incrementally....in my jurisdiction at least
Back in the 1940's there was no such thing as 'no fault' divorce. I was recently reading a Biography by Kirk Douglas, and in it he detailed the bullshit he and his first missus had to go through to get a divorce. One of the spouses had to get "caught" in bed with another person and photographic evidence had to be taken to put before the court. Kirk and his missus both wanted the divorce so Kirk, ever the gentleman, volunteered. The pix were taken, and the divorce went through.
In the 1950's it was usual for the wife to be the SAH spouse, without financial resources often, and if her spouse was a complete dud she had little recourse of getting out.
In the 1960's 'irreconcilable differences' came in. So there were more avenues opened up to divorce other than the Kirk Douglas method, although still fairly restricted...and pretty inequitable.
In 1975 (in my jurisdiction) 'no fault' divorce was legislated after a huge amount of lobbying by all sorts of groups, including the feminist movement, to bring about a more equitable method of winding up a failed marriage. This is basically a 50/50 baseline split, with various adjustments for spousal and child support, earnings potential, etc etc that are factored in ----IF you have to get a court ruling. In practical terms (again, in my jurisdiction) 80 odd % of divorces are negotiated outside the court system by people using their brains or by mediation within the legalities....and the court signing off on the agreement.
Anyway, to the point. You've got to work within the factual position in your jurisdiction and within the law as it stands in October 2018. You may wish it were otherwise (you may run for parliament or join a lobby group to change the rules if you are so inclined) but as of today, these are the rules. And, you might offer up a prayer of thanks to all those who have gone before you - like Kirk Douglas and his missus - or the politicians and lobby groups that moved things along in my jurisdiction back in 1975. Otherwise we'd be back to 100 years ago when a woman effectively became a persona non gratia financially if she became a wife.
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jetcity
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Post by jetcity on Oct 14, 2018 3:37:53 GMT -5
Yep,I’m in the same boat, the SS Lonely. Can I live the rest of my life this way? Is this need for something more ever going to go away? Could I outsource and still be able to live with myself?
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jetcity
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Post by jetcity on Oct 14, 2018 3:54:54 GMT -5
Handy , he'd be more interested in the corn 🌽 than me. He's really into gardening. And no I'm not hideously unattractive or a moron. I even paint decks! Do heavy lifting! Blow jobs! (which he does not want.) oh dear God. And he's a nice guy, but he is almost asexual I guess. Maybe I ruined him. But I never refused him (quite the opposite) for years then he stopped asking and wanting and that was that. I've directly spoken with him about what's wrong for over a year now but it hasn't helped. Still no desire. I care for him, but this is not a marriage. I give up. All he wants to do is garden and doesn’t want a blow job?!!! I’m sorry but I’m going to have to take away his man-card. If his Johnson is still in working order he needs to give it to someone who will use it! Lol
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jetcity
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Post by jetcity on Oct 14, 2018 4:13:26 GMT -5
This time last year Sister pheonix25 you gave him the big ultimatum, gave him 6 months to get his act together or you were going to divorce him on April 9th 2018. It looked like a solid plan you had. Now, it's 12 months on from your ultimatum, and 6 months since your deadline expired. What went awry with that plan in October 2017 ? Just life. We have a child together and neither of us really have any outside support as far as family or friends to babysit. Not to mention our income and debt are both so tied together. I honestly feel like leaving will greatly reduce the quality of life for my son at this time and I'm just not willing to do that for the sake of my own happiness. Financial security is no joke. It’s the same as staying at a job you hate but it pays the bills. Your “boss” gives you no support or appreciation but he keeps you around because he doesn’t want to have to train a newbie. Do you think he would divorce if he found out you were outsourcing?
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jetcity
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Post by jetcity on Oct 14, 2018 4:25:54 GMT -5
Girl, I feel you. I even had sex just this morning with Mr. JMX. It was... not great. He got horny for the second time this year (I attacked him on the other two) which made for a whopping four times (Jan. - Sept. 30th). This morning’s morning sex was wrought with anxiety and fear that I smelled because when it happens - I never think it’s going to happen, so I am not properly showered and ready. It was 5:30 am - and I still insisted on getting up, brushing my teeth, etc. I worked a full day yesterday and stopped grooming the nethers - because? Why bother? It lasted for *maybe* 5 minutes. I *maybe* got a penetration half-orgasm. Disappointing. But, because I am not a cranky morning person, I did not complain. I lapped it up. Fuck that. My sexual peak is being wasted on someone that cannot even feign to try and make me cum. If you cannnot or will not leave, an affair may be an excellent choice. I am starting to think that way. Might require more bathing and more trimming though. Mind the bush! Lol. Break out the hedge trimmers. I used to love sleepy morning sex on Saturday or Sunday.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 14, 2018 10:20:04 GMT -5
Handy , he'd be more interested in the corn 🌽 than me. He's really into gardening. And no I'm not hideously unattractive or a moron. I even paint decks! Do heavy lifting! Blow jobs! (which he does not want.) oh dear God. And he's a nice guy, but he is almost asexual I guess. Maybe I ruined him. But I never refused him (quite the opposite) for years then he stopped asking and wanting and that was that. I've directly spoken with him about what's wrong for over a year now but it hasn't helped. Still no desire. I care for him, but this is not a marriage. I give up. All he wants to do is garden and doesn’t want a blow job?!!! I’m sorry but I’m going to have to take away his man-card. If his Johnson is still in working order he needs to give it to someone who will use it! Lol sigh. i dont like complaining about my husband. hes a good man and hes been through a lot. honestly, We're just not compatible and frankly I'm not pushing to restart things because i don't feel any sexual attraction to him anymore. It's such an uncomfortable thing! he gives me a little peck every night,tells me he loves me and goes to sleep. gah.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 10:40:21 GMT -5
All he wants to do is garden and doesn’t want a blow job?!!! I’m sorry but I’m going to have to take away his man-card. If his Johnson is still in working order he needs to give it to someone who will use it! Lol sigh. i dont like complaining about my husband. hes a good man and hes been through a lot. honestly, We're just not compatible and frankly I'm not pushing to restart things because i don't feel any sexual attraction to him anymore. It's such an uncomfortable thing! he gives me a little peck every night,tells me he loves me and goes to sleep. gah. Maybe I should get back into the matchmaking business
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Post by saarinista on Oct 14, 2018 10:42:18 GMT -5
sigh. i dont like complaining about my husband. hes a good man and hes been through a lot. honestly, We're just not compatible and frankly I'm not pushing to restart things because i don't feel any sexual attraction to him anymore. It's such an uncomfortable thing! he gives me a little peck every night,tells me he loves me and goes to sleep. gah. Maybe I should get back into the matchmaking business 😁
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Post by Handy on Oct 14, 2018 11:46:46 GMT -5
shynjdude Maybe I should get back into the matchmaking business.
OK, I am in. Just for fun match people upon this forum. I am almost clueless as to who would make a good couple.
I did a match website a long time ago. I was compatible with 5% of the undisclosed women who filled out the questionnaires on the same forum. I suspect me being very reserved-law abiding citizen had a lot to do with what I considered the low compatibility number.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2018 15:52:05 GMT -5
“I did a match website a long time ago. I was compatible with 5% of the undisclosed women who filled out the questionnaires on the same forum. I suspect me being very reserved-law abiding citizen had a lot to do with what I considered the low compatibility number.”
Are you married? If so, that may have been what greatly reduced your potential partners. I’d be interested in knowing what the average percentage of comparable partners is on the site. I’d bet that as a 67 -year -old, black, atheist, progressive Buddhist I would be compatible with 5% or fewer men there. But, truth is if one is looking, it’s like selling a house: all you need is one excellent match.
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