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Post by shamwow on Sept 29, 2018 18:41:32 GMT -5
The best resolution for the "in between" stage is to make a decision. And yes, I know that is easier said than done. I've made my decision, I'm leaving, but I have to wait for 9 more months before I do to get financials in order so there will be money to execute.
"In-between" for myself means in-between the time I've made my decision and the time I can execute the exit plan.
Gotcha. When you said in between I thought you were referring to sitting on the fence.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 29, 2018 19:05:04 GMT -5
I've made my decision, I'm leaving, but I have to wait for 9 more months before I do to get financials in order so there will be money to execute.
"In-between" for myself means in-between the time I've made my decision and the time I can execute the exit plan.
Gotcha. When you said in between I thought you were referring to sitting on the fence. Nope not on the fence anymore as far as a decision is concerned. Decision is made, execution is forthcoming.
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Post by flounder on Sept 29, 2018 20:21:15 GMT -5
Gotcha. When you said in between I thought you were referring to sitting on the fence. Nope not on the fence anymore as far as a decision is concerned. Decision is made, execution is forthcoming. Nobody said anything about killing somebody !
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2018 20:36:49 GMT -5
Here I am again..... i honestly feel like I dont even know myself anymore. I'm always angry and irritable. I'm tired and joyless.... I have completely alienated myself because how much can people take hearing about my sexless marriage... and really, how much embarrassment can I take from telling people about it. Reading all of yalls post are really the only thing keeping me going...., knowing I'm not alone. I think I'm ready for an affair.... I hate that we are here but God damn I think we are. Ugh. Sorry. Guess I just need to get it out. An affair is definitely a game changer. I did a poll here asking if people regretted their affairs and last I checked the score was 25-2 saying no. The way I look at it is that a sexless marriage is horrible, and doing something to radically change the situation - an affair, telling the spouse you intend to leave, a major change in the power dynamics at home - will almost always be positive. Affairs are trickier because you have NO idea how it will play out - whether you will fall for your affair partner, whether your partner will end up being a psycho, anticipating how your spouse can find out and use it against you.... Keep in mind that affairs are almost always temporary, which means that after one ends for whatever reason you may be stuck again. But you may be more empowered after an affair to do something to fix your situation. That happened to me and to several others. Before taking that path, decide for yourself what you need to get from an affair. It is only sex, or is it intimacy, or is it love? Are you looking for someone to rescue you? (Almost never happens.) And ask yourself the hard questions - how would H respond if you are caught, and do you care? And would your life be better if you go straight to the divorce route? Affairs are always trickier than they appear. But they can be rewarding. You just have to be willing to throw the dice and take the chance that you won't be one of the unlucky ones who get very, very hurt.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 29, 2018 20:49:19 GMT -5
Nope not on the fence anymore as far as a decision is concerned. Decision is made, execution is forthcoming. Nobody said anything about killing somebody ! Thankj you flounder, that was funny and made me laugh!
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Post by saarinista on Sept 29, 2018 21:08:02 GMT -5
Perhaps you have not so much lost yourself, pheonix25 , as found yourself. I went the affair route. I knew what my worst case scenario was, socially, and financially, and, in my case, it was worth it, and the price was not cheap. Choose wisely, and, my best wishes to you. I feel like I've honestly got nothing to lose. He pays so little attention to me I doubt he would even notice. He might not. Mine wouldn't notice. He's just over sex and wants to garden. And that's fine because I don't want to have sex with him. We should get a divoce, but I'm not sure I can wait that long to have sex, if I can find it. I'm just over everything. Maybe you are too.
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Post by Handy on Sept 29, 2018 21:17:22 GMT -5
saarinista, (garden humor warning) What, no meeting H in the middle in the cornfield? Sorry if that came across as hurtful.
Someone said that to me when I was 14 and there was a 14 yr old girl I sort of liked and there was an actual cornfield, and I didn't get it. I thought the middle was about 200 feet from the edge of the cornfield.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 29, 2018 21:44:17 GMT -5
@shynjdude ya know what else is temporary? Life! It's short, too. Just sayin. I think having an affair is not ideal, obvs. Some of you can fill the gap with travel, mani-pedis or meet up groups. Not a fulfilling option for all of us. Some of us have gone without sex for a decade or more. Plus unemployment, political divisions in the house, being berated by spouses, financial issues, depression, dying parents... The list goes on. I never used to think I would have an affair. Dead set against them. I'd decided at age 55 after years of sexlessness and a dead marriage, I was going to suck it up and stick it out. "People expect too much of marriage," I grumbled. "It's just friction anyway," I convinced myself of sex. So I turned off my emotions and soldiered on towards death. No kids, no job, no hope. Then I accidentally connected with someone overseas while bitching about politics on twitter, also in a SM, and realized how bad my marriage is and that living alone might be better. I have had years of therapy. I have a psychiatrist and meds. I've begged the husband for years to address his own trauma through therapy. He finally has started to (after 20 years) just barely, but still doesn't want sex. He wants to be retired (he's 12 years older) and do what he wants, most of which creates messes that I clean up. I want to make him happy yet still he isn't. Neither am I. Sometimes, you just hit the wall. pheonix25 if an affair presents itself, know the risks and go for what's right for you. It's not the best solution. But it might be the best solution for the moment for you and if so, I say do what brings you comfort and joy and don't beat yourself up for having an affair. That's my take.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 29, 2018 21:53:08 GMT -5
Handy, he'd be more interested in the corn 🌽 than me. He's really into gardening. And no I'm not hideously unattractive or a moron. I even paint decks! Do heavy lifting! Blow jobs! (which he does not want.) oh dear God. And he's a nice guy, but he is almost asexual I guess. Maybe I ruined him. But I never refused him (quite the opposite) for years then he stopped asking and wanting and that was that. I've directly spoken with him about what's wrong for over a year now but it hasn't helped. Still no desire. I care for him, but this is not a marriage. I give up.
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Post by Dan on Sept 29, 2018 22:24:02 GMT -5
... He's really into gardening. And no I'm not hideously unattractive or a moron. I even paint decks! Do heavy lifting! Blow jobs! (which he does not want.) ... Reminds me of a joke, not necessarily appropriate for this thread. I've posted it here.
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Post by flounder on Sept 30, 2018 7:11:22 GMT -5
You say you have children Phoenix ? Just remember that adds to the mess if caught. Not condoning or criticism,just weighing the options. In some states,they have home wrecker laws.
I suggest letting him have it. Get it all out and explain. If he can’t get with the program,he was warned ahead of time.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 30, 2018 8:37:17 GMT -5
I have to say in my brief foray thus far into AP search, this seems to be a common theme. I find it remarkable the extent that some women feel ignored by their husbands to the point that an affair would go completely unnoticed. The other dominant theme is the bored housewife who misses the excitment. pheonix25, I say this so you realize you are not alone feeling this way if you had not already surmised it. An affair may be a way to quench your thirst, but be fully aware of how it might change your situation drastically if discovered. Definitely consider the worst case and consider whether you are ready to face those consequences. I feel like I've honestly got nothing to lose. He pays so little attention to me I doubt he would even notice.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 30, 2018 13:16:41 GMT -5
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Post by Handy on Sept 30, 2018 17:19:33 GMT -5
Saarinista handy, he'd be more interested in the corn 🌽 than me. He's really into gardening. And no I'm not hideously unattractive or a moron. I even paint decks! Do heavy lifting! Blow jobs! (which he does not want.)
I am not trying to ignore your situation, but you sound like a person your H should like to be with and do some of the things you want and need.
Saarinista a few ideas how I see things. I think I am a "nice guy"too but rather ordinary. For me, I don't need a high degree of attractiveness but good will in another person is important to me. Corn would be important but so would making out and having sex, the kind that makes two people feel closer and feel good. Painting decks is a + but not necessary. Doing things together and avoiding complaints or nit-picking is necessary. Heavy lifting is good sometimes, I have that covered fairly well. I don't want to impose on anyone so I try to handle everything I can even if it takes a work-around.
Blow jobs, now that is something I haven't experienced mainly because in my early days it was considered the guy was imposing on the woman and getting one might make her resent me in the future. Since reading on the Internet that some women get excited giving BJs I guess that negates my idea it was something women would do but they resented it.
Back to Phoenix's situation.
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Post by baza on Sept 30, 2018 18:11:54 GMT -5
This time last year Sister pheonix25 you gave him the big ultimatum, gave him 6 months to get his act together or you were going to divorce him on April 9th 2018. It looked like a solid plan you had. Now, it's 12 months on from your ultimatum, and 6 months since your deadline expired. What went awry with that plan in October 2017 ?
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