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Post by pheonix25 on Sept 28, 2018 23:26:14 GMT -5
Here I am again..... i honestly feel like I dont even know myself anymore. I'm always angry and irritable. I'm tired and joyless.... I have completely alienated myself because how much can people take hearing about my sexless marriage... and really, how much embarrassment can I take from telling people about it. Reading all of yalls post are really the only thing keeping me going...., knowing I'm not alone. I think I'm ready for an affair.... I hate that we are here but God damn I think we are. Ugh. Sorry. Guess I just need to get it out.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 29, 2018 1:26:56 GMT -5
hang in there my friend. I hear you and feel your pain. I don't know what to do myself. is this the rest of my life?
keep posting. đź’—
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 29, 2018 2:54:00 GMT -5
Perhaps you have not so much lost yourself, pheonix25, as found yourself. I went the affair route. I knew what my worst case scenario was, socially, and financially, and, in my case, it was worth it, and the price was not cheap. Choose wisely, and, my best wishes to you.
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Post by pheonix25 on Sept 29, 2018 8:49:20 GMT -5
Perhaps you have not so much lost yourself, pheonix25, as found yourself. I went the affair route. I knew what my worst case scenario was, socially, and financially, and, in my case, it was worth it, and the price was not cheap. Choose wisely, and, my best wishes to you. I feel like I've honestly got nothing to lose. He pays so little attention to me I doubt he would even notice.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 29, 2018 9:01:15 GMT -5
Perhaps you have not so much lost yourself, pheonix25, as found yourself. I went the affair route. I knew what my worst case scenario was, socially, and financially, and, in my case, it was worth it, and the price was not cheap. Choose wisely, and, my best wishes to you. I feel like I've honestly got nothing to lose. He pays so little attention to me I doubt he would even notice. @phoenix25 this was the case in my marriage as well. And I did outsource and no, he never noticed because he never asked about my days, never cared to know what I was doing. I’m not sure if we had a don’t-ask-don’t-tell thing going on or he was truly that oblivious and uncaring. The outsourcing helped but what truly changed me was stopping the focus on “us” and changing it to a focus on “me”. There was no “us” anymore in my mind so I took the time while working on my exit plan to come to terms with that and to get back in touch with who I was before I lost myself in my SM. I changed in some ways during this process and even while occasionally acknowledging it H never asked about it or was interested. That was just more confirmation for me that leaving was the right choice. My advice is to focus on yourself without factoring him into the equation. Do what YOU want to do, what makes YOU feel good, and get back to listening to yourself and honoring your needs. In my case, honoring my needs included outsourcing and it was the right choice for me, but it’s not for everyone.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 29, 2018 9:08:06 GMT -5
I felt as you do. I didn’t outsource but turned my focus on me by getting individual therapy and pursuing my interests without doing things with my husband. I turned into a happy, gregarious confident person who finally had the guts to let go of my empty marriage.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 29, 2018 11:33:19 GMT -5
I feel like I've honestly got nothing to lose. He pays so little attention to me I doubt he would even notice. I changed in some ways during this process and even while occasionally acknowledging it H never asked about it or was interested. That was just more confirmation for me that leaving was the right choice. My advice is to focus on yourself without factoring him into the equation. Do what YOU want to do, what makes YOU feel good, and get back to listening to yourself and honoring your needs. In my case, honoring my needs included outsourcing and it was the right choice for me, but it’s not for everyone. choosinghappy, besides outsourcing, what other changes did you make during that period that your h. didn't notice?
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 29, 2018 12:36:10 GMT -5
I changed in some ways during this process and even while occasionally acknowledging it H never asked about it or was interested. That was just more confirmation for me that leaving was the right choice. My advice is to focus on yourself without factoring him into the equation. Do what YOU want to do, what makes YOU feel good, and get back to listening to yourself and honoring your needs. In my case, honoring my needs included outsourcing and it was the right choice for me, but it’s not for everyone. choosinghappy, besides outsourcing, what other changes did you make during that period that your h. didn't notice? Spirituality, meditation, joining meet-up groups, volunteering, gardening, hiking. Very few comments from him on any of those interests. He was focused on his work and his life and really didn’t seem to care what I was or was not doing as long as our son and the house were taken care of and dinner was on the table every night he was there.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 29, 2018 12:56:26 GMT -5
Not knowing your day to day routine I couldn't guess how hard or easy it would be for you to have an affair. Being retired it might have been somewhat easy for me since I had all day on my own. But as honesty was such a big deal for me I choose to try and work out a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement. She wouldn't go for it and as sex was mostly off the table we ended up divorced. It was the right move for me.
Now I sleep better. I'm not always tense and constantly trying to talk my dick down. And after the initial monetary hit I am pretty much on a break even financial basis each month. I am free to meet a variety of new and sometimes interesting women, and occasionally copulate with some of them. It's OK to just vent sometimes when you are angry. But for me it was more productive to use that anger to fuel my desire toward escaping the unhappy state of sexlessness.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 29, 2018 13:09:13 GMT -5
choosinghappy, besides outsourcing, what other changes did you make during that period that your h. didn't notice? Spirituality, meditation, joining meet-up groups, volunteering, gardening, hiking. Very few comments from him on any of those interests. He was focused on his work and his life and really didn’t seem to care what I was or was not doing as long as our son and the house were taken care of and dinner was on the table every night he was there. Thank you for sharing. Great ideas for those of us at the "in-between" stage.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 29, 2018 13:16:57 GMT -5
Spirituality, meditation, joining meet-up groups, volunteering, gardening, hiking. Very few comments from him on any of those interests. He was focused on his work and his life and really didn’t seem to care what I was or was not doing as long as our son and the house were taken care of and dinner was on the table every night he was there. Thank you for sharing. Great ideas for those of us at the "in-between" stage.
The best resolution for the "in between" stage is to make a decision. And yes, I know that is easier said than done.
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Post by pheonix25 on Sept 29, 2018 13:33:25 GMT -5
choosinghappy, besides outsourcing, what other changes did you make during that period that your h. didn't notice? Spirituality, meditation, joining meet-up groups, volunteering, gardening, hiking. Very few comments from him on any of those interests. He was focused on his work and his life and really didn’t seem to care what I was or was not doing as long as our son and the house were taken care of and dinner was on the table every night he was there. Sounds exactly like my household. As long as my son is good and I keep on in hously duties and such he doesnt pay me any mind. I've been doing more for me... going out with friends, getting mani pedis, working on my health.... i just still feel this gaping hole in me.
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Post by flounder on Sept 29, 2018 15:32:38 GMT -5
Spirituality, meditation, joining meet-up groups, volunteering, gardening, hiking. Very few comments from him on any of those interests. He was focused on his work and his life and really didn’t seem to care what I was or was not doing as long as our son and the house were taken care of and dinner was on the table every night he was there. Sounds exactly like my household. As long as my son is good and I keep on in hously duties and such he doesnt pay me any mind. I've been doing more for me... going out with friends, getting mani pedis, working on my health.... i just still feel this gaping hole in me. Girl,about time you jumped on them mani pedis. They are the real deal ! In all seriousness,have you thought about some individual therapy ? Living with a spouse that ignores and rejects you can really bring you down. Sometimes I wonder if this is what PTSD is like.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 29, 2018 15:43:00 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing. Great ideas for those of us at the "in-between" stage.
The best resolution for the "in between" stage is to make a decision. And yes, I know that is easier said than done. I've made my decision, I'm leaving, but I have to wait for 9 more months before I do to get financials in order so there will be money to execute.
"In-between" for myself means in-between the time I've made my decision and the time I can execute the exit plan.
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Sept 29, 2018 17:11:51 GMT -5
Spirituality, meditation, joining meet-up groups, volunteering, gardening, hiking. Very few comments from him on any of those interests. He was focused on his work and his life and really didn’t seem to care what I was or was not doing as long as our son and the house were taken care of and dinner was on the table every night he was there. Sounds exactly like my household. As long as my son is good and I keep on in hously duties and such he doesnt pay me any mind. I've been doing more for me... going out with friends, getting mani pedis, working on my health.... i just still feel this gaping hole in me. I clean, I cook, I wash the clothes, I iron, I take the kids out, I have a housekeeper(too), I fly us around the world first class to amazing places, I buy nice cars, I pay all bills, I let my wife have her career and the need to spend 14 or 15 hours every day out the home with never a question or argument from me ..... and yet I’m lucky if my wife gives me a peck on my cheek when she leaves for work! so recently I decided to do more for me! I feel liberated. She has not even noticed. I now realise I too have a hole and question how I fill it! I empathise ....
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