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Post by Dan on Sept 28, 2018 8:42:50 GMT -5
In a separate thread, @shynjdude mentioned to winter123 : I would seriously consider telling him tonight that you are moving to another bedroom. Tell him that feeling rejected every night while with him is too painful. And if he is really sexually attracted to you he can visit you in your room for sex. Otherwise, it is off limits. You can gain a lot of clarity this way. I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2018 9:07:33 GMT -5
I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation? I know I'm an outlier, but my moving out as part of what was meant to be my impending split felt great for the couple of weeks before things started improving. She was fine with it, immediately started decorating her room and I did the same to the spare bedroom that was now mine. And even as we are getting back towards being a real couple again, I like my separate bedroom! I never really slept with her in the same bed anyway and I never learned to sleep in bed with anyone unless it was a king-sized bed. I visit her in her room late at night or early morning and it adds an extra level of excitement, like we are sneaking around as teenagers. When she visits me it is even more exciting. The routine has been broken, in a good way. So, I think it is all attitude. If you need to move out for your sanity it doesn't have to mean you are closing the door to the future, but it does send the message that your feelings matter and a little separation can help you heal - which is something she can hopefully support you with.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 28, 2018 9:17:15 GMT -5
Dan. For me it was a sanity move. I just wasnt sleeping well anymore. And I told her such. She was a little annoyed and definitely deluded into thinking that Im playing hard to get. We end up in the same bed occasionaly and there are attempts to cuddle on her side. For now, I dont resist, but it does feel a little awkward for me. Those feelings are new. I could go on and on, but Im past the point of really caring about that aspect of our relationship. For now, I try to focus on having building a friendship and parenting. On the side, a budding AP search. In a separate thread, @shynjdude mentioned to winter123 : I would seriously consider telling him tonight that you are moving to another bedroom. Tell him that feeling rejected every night while with him is too painful. And if he is really sexually attracted to you he can visit you in your room for sex. Otherwise, it is off limits. You can gain a lot of clarity this way. I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation?
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
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Post by johannesfactotum on Sept 28, 2018 20:00:15 GMT -5
In a separate thread, @shynjdude mentioned to winter123 : I would seriously consider telling him tonight that you are moving to another bedroom. Tell him that feeling rejected every night while with him is too painful. And if he is really sexually attracted to you he can visit you in your room for sex. Otherwise, it is off limits. You can gain a lot of clarity this way. I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation? I didn't move into the guest room, she did. This occurred a few months after I basically checked out of the marriage. She whined one time too many about being crowded by our small children in our bed (a King size), so I kicked her out of the master bedroom. She could have all the room she wanted sleeping alone in our guest queen while the kids could come over and sleep in the "big" bed if they wanted to. She wasn't "allowed" in the master bedroom anymore except to make the bed and clean it. Made it kind of awkward for a couple of years when guests would come over and she'd have to sleep on the couch or in one of the kids' rooms. The worst thing about separating has been that I don't really get the closeness of sleeping next to my children anymore except for those few nights that they have stayed over at my new apartment. I really miss that. To answer your question, by the time I booted her out of our bedroom into the guest room, our marriage was essentially over and nothing was going to fix it.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 28, 2018 21:16:57 GMT -5
H and I had often slept apart over the past 4 years. Usually it was either because he has such a hard time sleeping due to anxiety or because I was awoken so many times by our son in the middle of the night that he would stay in there so he wouldn’t also be awoken.
Back when I still had hope for our marriage I didn’t like it and wished we could sleep together again. It helped encourage the lack of connection we had.
But in the last 9 months of our marriage I was grateful for it. I had emotionally detached myself from him and he must have felt it because he asked to come back to the bedroom. I told him no at that point. I think that made him realize how “serious” things were for me.
I personally think that moving to a separate bedroom is a constructive step if you feel your marriage will not improve. I told myH that if he had no interest in sex or intimacy with me then I had no interest in sleeping in the same room any longer as it was too hard to feel the constant rejection. That gave him a choice: move back into the room and commit to sex and intimacy or stay in the spare room. He chose the spare room. That told me what I needed to know.
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Post by h on Sept 28, 2018 21:18:08 GMT -5
In a separate thread, @shynjdude mentioned to winter123 : I would seriously consider telling him tonight that you are moving to another bedroom. Tell him that feeling rejected every night while with him is too painful. And if he is really sexually attracted to you he can visit you in your room for sex. Otherwise, it is off limits. You can gain a lot of clarity this way. I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation? I'm with you Dan, in that if I moved into a separate bedroom it would be a step past the point of no return. My W would see it as the end of the marriage as much as if I had dropped divorce papers on the table in front of her. That would be the clear and unambiguous sign that we weren't going to try anymore.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2018 21:55:35 GMT -5
For us, my moving out of the marital bed 2.5 years ago was a signal to him that it was over. And it was by then. Truthfully, he’d spent most of our married nights passed out on the couch anyway so the marital bed was really my bed and my moving out was just so he couldn’t come and try to reset me (I was counter-refusing by then).
I think before you do anything in any realm of your relationship, you need to know your intentions. Are you being passive aggressive? Why bother? Defensive? That I can understand. Self-protective? Absolutely. Trying to send a subtle message? They won’t get it anyway. Know your objective and motives before taking action.
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Post by csl on Sept 29, 2018 8:18:47 GMT -5
In a separate thread, @shynjdude mentioned to winter123 : I would seriously consider telling him tonight that you are moving to another bedroom. Tell him that feeling rejected every night while with him is too painful. And if he is really sexually attracted to you he can visit you in your room for sex. Otherwise, it is off limits. You can gain a lot of clarity this way. I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation? Ehhhh... I think that it CAN mean that it's past the point of no return, but I think it is a clear message that the PONR is approaching. I see it more of an attempt to bust the logjam, a statement that is groundshaking to the marriage. (I also like the image of removing your wedding ring, as that is usually a powerful statement.) Either way, the separate bedroom route can only be a win-win situation. If it signals that the PONR has been reached, well, c'est la vie; better now than a couple of sucky decades down the road. I'm of the opinion that if something is painful, that you need to stop doing it; if sleeping next to a tormenter instead of a lover is painful, don't do it. (I wrote about the need for emotional distancing on my blog nearly three years ago, and included the need for physical distancing, as well.)
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Post by shamwow on Sept 29, 2018 13:30:20 GMT -5
I didn't formally move out of the bedroom until the divorce was announced to everyone. My stbx let me buy a cheap camping air mattress in my study with an old but fetching star wars comforter my son no longer used. After a month, I said fuck it and bought a several hundred dollar aerobed.
However, prior to that I was the flip side of @elle's ex. I stayed up at night drinking and would quite often pass out on the couch watching TV. I would sometimes stay there all night. Other times I would wake up around 2 or 3 am to take a piss, stumble down and re-pass out in our bedroom.
That last chapter started, let's say 16 or 17 years into the marriage and 3 to 4 years before it ended. Prior to that I just went to bed and laid there in quiet desparation.
Jesus, reading those last few pathetic paragraphs, I'm glad beyond words that I will never again have to go through the bullshit of feeling run out of my own bed and bedroom.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 29, 2018 21:24:25 GMT -5
shamwow I am sure you know this as you have lived it but: Damn. You have made incredible strides. The person you described in that last response is so far from the person I see in you now that it doesn’t even sound plausible. I hope you are proud of yourself for the huge strides you made in turning your life around. So happy for you.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 30, 2018 2:13:53 GMT -5
I moved out of her room about three and a half years ago. I did it because I would lay in bed next to her, frustrated and angry every night because she didn't want me touching her. So rather than do that every night I started sleeping in the guest room. These days I don't sleep much anyway, thanks to Parkinson's meds which are mostly dopamine, so it works well that I am alone.
When I moved out she never said a word. One time she actually came and crawled into bed in my room, about two months ago. She had washed the sheets on her bed and didn't feel like making it. I let her sleep in here. I'm not sure why. The next night things were back to normal.
I would say that when I moved out is roughly the time I stopped trying to have sex with her. It also happened to be when I met my first online affair, I think that was just coincidental because I think I moved out before things started with her.
Anyhow, I can't see myself moving in there again. I mean, what's the point?
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 30, 2018 2:39:21 GMT -5
I moved to the living room pull out futon with the baby, and after a few months of that, he agreed to couples counseling.
A few months of counseling, and he bought a king size bed and we all started sleeping in it. Still no sex.
A few more months and I told him I am going to start fucking other people. He consented.
After I fuck someone else, he usually shows interest again for about a week, being more affectionate, sometimes even initiating sex himself, or wake me up by giving me a full body sensual massage with some lotion, which he had never done before I started fucking others, but has now done three times in the last few months.
I am currently at a motel with one of my "playmates". Had a fun night, he fell asleep. I got mine several times over. (Yay!)
Ya never know how things will turn out.
I'm going home in the morning, and I'm sure he'll be all lovey dovey again. Hehe
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 30, 2018 7:50:03 GMT -5
I moved to the living room pull out futon with the baby, and after a few months of that, he agreed to couples counseling. A few months of counseling, and he bought a king size bed and we all started sleeping in it. Still no sex. A few more months and I told him I am going to start fucking other people. He consented. After I fuck someone else, he usually shows interest again for about a week, being more affectionate, sometimes even initiating sex himself, or wake me up by giving me a full body sensual massage with some lotion, which he had never done before I started fucking others, but has now done three times in the last few months. I am currently at a motel with one of my "playmates". Had a fun night, he fell asleep. I got mine several times over. (Yay!) Ya never know how things will turn out. I'm going home in the morning, and I'm sure he'll be all lovey dovey again. Hehe So his "thing" is that he's a cuckold? Is this working for you?
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Post by tiredoftears on Sept 30, 2018 8:06:54 GMT -5
I guess he is. We discussed it in couple's counseling, but he refused to admit that "was his thing". He insisted he just wants me to be happy, and if I choose to go elsewhere to get my needs fulfilled, that's fine with him.
It's working okay, as far as I can tell. It's okay with me, it gives me a break from the house and the baby, plus I get the sex, and other kink play.
He doesn't seem bothered by it at all. In fact, he usually asks about once a week how my FetLife friends are, and makes sure to remember any plans I make, puts a reminder in his phone.
Do yeah.... I guess it's working. I'm not angry all the time like I was a year ago, when I joined this forum. We sleep in the same bed, and he is more affectionate than he was a year ago.
What is working for me wouldn't work for everyone, but I hope other people have the option I have. If I had to sneak around, I don't think it would work for me. I'd feel guilty. I'm glad he is understanding, or a secret cuck, or whatever he is.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 30, 2018 9:16:06 GMT -5
shamwow I am sure you know this as you have lived it but: Damn. You have made incredible strides. The person you described in that last response is so far from the person I see in you now that it doesn’t even sound plausible. I hope you are proud of yourself for the huge strides you made in turning your life around. So happy for you. Looking back, it hardly seems like the same person. I've still got a lot of shit deal with. I probbaly always will. But I am in such a better place now than I was back then. Grtting out was the best thing that ever happened to me.
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