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Post by elynne on Sept 24, 2018 6:22:21 GMT -5
I’ve been off the forum for a while. A few reasons - I suspect my husband has installed some sort of spyware on my phone and computer. It seemed wise not to antagonize him by sharing my thoughts and struggles here. But I think I may be past the point of caring.
Just wanted to give you guys an update. I’ve started therapy with a psychotherapist- long term and covered by insurance. In our initial meeting she ended with, “I want you to know in all my years of therapy I have never heard a story like yours. One that shows the self-centeredness and disregard for his spouse that your husband displays. I suspect that he’s a narcissist. I can help you. In a few months time, you’ll be sitting where I am, wondering how you ever put up with it. It’s going to be hard, and I’m going to make you work, but you need to be aware that doing the work that you will do, that will build your self-esteem will likely lead to divorce.”
My new therapist is a schema therapist. The conceptual foundation is that people develop schemas or organizing stories that help us survive less than ideal family dynamics. Those schemas become maladaptive when we are adults, but we continue to play them out. As an example choosing a spouse that treats us in similar ways to the way our parents treated us.
So... I filled out a ton of questionnaires to assess what my maladaptive strategies are. No big surprises. I’m dependent. I hand over my power and subjugate my needs and desires to others. I don’t believe I’m responsible or capable enough on my own. I’m my own harshest critic and criticism from others fits my self image.
So today - I’ve got an appointment with my therapist and we begin in earnest to work on my issues.
And a little aside, I’m beginning to see quite clearly when h is being nasty, it’s because he feels defensive. And to see the things that he accuses me of “You’re a horrible person” “You always play the victim” “You’re childish” “You’re pathetic” “You’re so binary” are his defense mechanisms and him projecting the qualities he dislikes about himself and can’t bear, onto me.
I plan to pop in now and then to give you guys updates. But I feel like I’m no longer stuck and am beginning to move in the right direction.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 24, 2018 6:40:30 GMT -5
elynne, great to hear from you again! Fantastic to hear you’ve connected with a therapist who’s helping. Self-improvement is always a good thing, and it sounds like you’re on a good path there. Do you see that as a prerequisite to fixing your situation, or are you working that in parallel? I.e., fixing you does not fix him, but I can see that better confidence would empower you to act more boldly. Speaking of independence... did you do your citizenship ceremony yet?
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Post by elynne on Sept 24, 2018 6:51:15 GMT -5
elynne, great to hear from you again! Fantastic to hear you’ve connected with a therapist who’s helping. Self-improvement is always a good thing, and it sounds like you’re on a good path there. Do you see that as a prerequisite to fixing your situation, or are you working that in parallel? I.e., fixing you does not fix him, but I can see that better confidence would empower you to act more boldly. Speaking of independence... did you do your citizenship ceremony yet? Yes! I’m now a Dutch citizen! With all the rights and responsibilities that come with citizenship. It gives me a sense of security that my staying in the country is no longer dependent on h’s goodwill. I have the right to live here regardless. And if things go completely pear-shaped - I can get housing assistance. A bit odd to think about moving from a big house on the river with a guesthouse to subsidized housing, but hey. If that’s the price of integrity and self-respect, I’m happy to pay it! The idea of falling asleep in an empty bed without lying as still as I can next to someone who dislikes me is pretty darn appealing! And I’m not sure if I’m working on the relationship any longer. I’ve been wondering why I shoulder all responsibility for the problems in our relationship. What do I get out of that? So I’ve been taking a step back and not trying.
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Post by flounder on Sept 24, 2018 11:16:15 GMT -5
Good to see you elynne. So glad you found a good therapist. Now get a good lawyer and grab him by the balls !
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 24, 2018 11:33:28 GMT -5
Yay, elynne! Congratulations on finalizing your citizenship! That goes a long way toward your independence and confidence. And to clarify, when I say “fixing your situation”, I mean “escaping your situation”. By all means, improve yourself, but is it delaying you becoming independent? If memory serves, your husband was pretty determined to keep you under his thumb and wasn’t owning any role in fixing the relationship.
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Post by Handy on Sept 24, 2018 11:38:54 GMT -5
It is good to hear you will have a place to live if things come to you having to leave your current residence.
How does the Dutch money situation play out in a divorce?
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 24, 2018 13:16:20 GMT -5
Welcome back.
You sound ready to make the move out, when you choose. The "stuff" is not as important as the situation.
I remember when I had that epiphany last summer, enjoying the lakefront, and accepting that it wasn't mine, anymore. I've been out about four months, now, and I am not missing it at all.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 24, 2018 13:36:01 GMT -5
Congrats, elynne. I'm slightly jealouse of your Dutch citizenship what with the flowers and the health care situation over there compared to here.
Glad you're moving along. Welcome back.
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Post by Dan on Sept 24, 2018 16:06:01 GMT -5
But I feel like I’m no longer stuck and am beginning to move in the right direction. THAT. IS. AWESOME! Props to you for getting unstuck! Now: please share your "unglue" with the rest of the stuck people here...
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 24, 2018 16:35:00 GMT -5
If you suspect spyware on your phone reset it back to stock and also change all of your passwords.
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I’m BACK!
Sept 24, 2018 18:39:39 GMT -5
via mobile
h likes this
Post by shamwow on Sept 24, 2018 18:39:39 GMT -5
If you suspect spyware on your phone reset it back to stock and also change all of your passwords. In addition if he installed monitoring software on your phone without your consent that may be against the law. Ask your attorney about your jurisdiction.
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Post by baza on Sept 24, 2018 18:46:48 GMT -5
Seems like you have some real challenging work ahead of you with this psychotherapist Sister elynne . And I bet you are going to go real well with it.
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Post by elynne on Sept 25, 2018 2:05:36 GMT -5
Thanks guys!
Let’s see if I can answer all the questions:
1. Money with divorce- there’s a set formula for alimony and child support. The max for paying alimony is 12 years. Since we’ve been married 11 years and have children I’m entitled to the full 12 years. That should give me enough time to get my shit together!
2.Spyware- I just upgraded to ios12- that should reset my phone and remove any spyware. I may pick up a cheap pay as you go phone and keep it at my studio - if shit really hits the fan, I’ve got a secure way to contact folks.
3. The ‘glue’ for getting unstuck? Perhaps it’s reaching that tipping point where I could no longer reconcile his negative view of me with my own self image. I’m hard on myself. I accept responsibility and blame when it isn’t due. I think that’s why we lasted for 11 years.
Do you know that feeling of reckless abandon? I can only imagine that it’s similar to the feeling that a shy teenage boy has. He’s had a crush for ages on a friend. She’s kind and smart and pretty, but she socializes mostly with the popular crowd. He’s been wanting to tell how he feels for ages. Afraid, holding back, and one morning he wakes up, runs all the possible scenarios through his head and decides, fuck it. “Today I’m going to tell her.” The months of inner torture have finally hit a tipping point. The fear of rejection and humiliation are less than the pain of sitting with his unrequited love. So he gathers all his courage and decides today is the day.
That’s where I am now. I’m a teenage boy, and my secret love is my dream for a better future. One without daily criticism, exclusion, contempt and coldness from my spouse.
I used to want him to change, to stop hurting me. I wanted him to understand the pain that he causes and to stop.
At this point I don’t care if he ever “gets it.” I’ve got work on myself to do, changing my underlying belief that I deserve to be treated like he treats me. I’ll have my hands full taking care of myself. How he decides to handle his issues is totally on him. My plan is to nurture my independence, my self confidence and to be rock steady in knowing who I am. Currently I don’t want him. In the future I won’t need him, and he becomes totally irrelevant except for co-parenting the kids.
I’d much rather be single than be married to a misogynistic asshole who doesn’t consider me an equal partner. Go sing that song to someone else, buddy.
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Post by baza on Sept 25, 2018 2:54:28 GMT -5
The big lesson out of these situations is that it is NOT your job to sort out your spouses' issues. That's their job - if they have any interest in sorting out their issues (and most ILIASM spouses aren't interested in taking on this challenging job) Your job, is to sort out your issues. That is a very challenging task all by itself. And if you do YOUR job, the rest of the puzzle sorts itself out, ever so fucking slowly. I think you are a fair way along the path of sorting your own shit out Sister elynne - quite possibly you are well ahead of where you might think you are at this moment. Plenty of challenges and difficult choices yet to come of course. Take them one at a time.
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Post by elynne on Sept 25, 2018 3:17:03 GMT -5
One more tip for helping with getting unstuck - my new therapist recommended a book - Reinventing Your Life.
I’ve read the first few chapters- it’s probably more useful for folks like me who have had a less than ideal childhood that left me feeling unworthy and with faulty ideas about what love feels like.
I’ve only read the first few chapters, but it’s well written, the theories make intuitive sense. It connects the theoretical with practical real life examples and it provides hands on exercises and gives you the power to make positive change. I have no doubt that it will require hard work and struggle, but I believe it will be effective.
My therapist and I will be setting measurable therapeutic goals, and working towards them.
I’m supposed to be brainstorming about what I want those goals to be- first and foremost is believing in my own power. Listening to and prioritizing my own goals in life. Becoming financially and psychologically independent.
Basically, I want to trust in myself and my ability to take care of myself. Trust my decisions, my plans and my ability to direct my own life.
I just want to reiterate how grateful I am for this community. You all have been invaluable in telling me the unvarnished truth. Encouraging and supportive. Reflecting back the view that things are NOT ok, and that my feelings and reactions are valid.
Thank you.
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