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Post by shamwow on Sept 26, 2018 17:37:58 GMT -5
1. I don’t have any time to myself but I don’t complain. 2. I have tried to be sympathetic but it’s hard when I am in the same situation - lol i’m not out partying every night!!! 3. However i always make time for him and his needs but he feels it fine to ignore my needs and not communicate. I’m tired of being kept hanging on and waiting for him. 4. Lately he never comes up to bed when i say ‘i’m going up’ (hint hint) and it makes me feel like he is just ignoring me and wants me to fall asleep so he doesn’t have to be intimate with me.5. In the past i have suggested we sleep in separate rooms just so i could have my sanity back and manage my expectations better and he absolutely hated the thought of that.6. I just don’t want to resent him again as i’ve worked so hard to not feel like that towards him. However when he blatantly knows what he’s doing and how he’s making me feel but chooses to ignore it and not communicate i can’t help feel otherwise. What should i do? I know you love him and don't want to end the marriage. But I just want to let you know that I could have written everything you said 20 years ago. I tried and tried not to be resentful, but my resentment grew and grew. When I tried to talk to my refuser, she just gave me excuse after excuse, just like your H. I took on more and more of the household chores, but nothing made any difference. You may be different from me, but it is possible that your resentment is growing steadily and will continue to do so. Eventually, you may get to the point where you cannot stand your H at all.
I would suggest that you find a time when you can talk to him alone for several hours. Tell him that you need him to listen to you until you are done. Then tell him exactly how his rejections have affected you. And explain that your resentment is growing and at some point, your resentment is going to exceed your love for him and then the marriage may end.
Of course, this is just my opinion.
winter123, roughly how old are you, and how long have you been married? Not looking for exact age, but like 20's 30's 40's 50's etc
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Post by baza on Sept 26, 2018 17:53:05 GMT -5
You are correct in how you predict this will play out Sister winter123 . Without decisive intervention, the resentment level will build steadily, and infiltrate into every aspect of the deal - even those parts that you presently regard as being ok. So, do you try and bring this matter to resolution now - whilst there may still be a level of goodwill present - or does the situation just drag on to its' probable conclusion ? That choice is down to you....don't expect your spouse to be overly interested in looking for any answers as he already has the marriage he wants. And the choices ahead of you are pretty limited. You stay. You stay and cheat. You leave. They are all perfectly valid choices, and each come with their own set of problems (you are already familiar with the problems inherent in the staying option). This is not a common cold that your marriage has contracted, it's full blown pneumonia. And it would be most unwise to rule out any of the remedial treatments available. The "hissy-fit" proposed above has its' place too, but if you go down that path you better have something substantial to back it up, otherwise all you do is shred your cred. These are NOT situations where bluff/brinkmanship/bullshit are appropriate. Whatever you might say must be something you are prepared to do. For example (and I am not suggesting you do this, it's just an example) You front him (via a hissy-fit or a reasoned discussion) and say "I'm not sleeping in the same bed as you until such time as you start sustainibly treating me as an equal partner in this deal". But again, don't say this unless you are prepared to do it.
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Post by winter123 on Sept 27, 2018 2:18:53 GMT -5
So H said to me this morning that I’m avoiding him and not tallking as much and being distant. I said ‘No i’ve just been busy’ and he said ‘No more busier than me’.
I have just keep our conversations to a needs basis and just focusing on me - taking each day as it comes. Lol no master plan as yet.
However he’s been treating me like this for the past 6 years and after 3 days of me giving him a taste of his own medicine, he’s questioning me about it. Gosh it really got to me when he said that i’m no more busier than him. Always has to make it about him!
For a change i’m enjoying the power and control. I really don’t know how to play it going forward i’ll be honest. If I start talking to him now it will show him that it’s all affecting me. I’d rather show him that i can have a life without begging for his affection and making him feel needed all the time.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 27, 2018 8:06:59 GMT -5
So H said to me this morning that I’m avoiding him and not tallking as much and being distant. I said ‘No i’ve just been busy’ and he said ‘No more busier than me’. I have just keep our conversations to a needs basis and just focusing on me - taking each day as it comes. Lol no master plan as yet. However he’s been treating me like this for the past 6 years and after 3 days of me giving him a taste of his own medicine, he’s questioning me about it. Gosh it really got to me when he said that i’m no more busier than him. Always has to make it about him! For a change i’m enjoying the power and control. I really don’t know how to play it going forward i’ll be honest. If I start talking to him now it will show him that it’s all affecting me. I’d rather show him that i can have a life without begging for his affection and making him feel needed all the time. Was he unaware before that it was affecting you? Do the good feelings of power and control change the situation for the better? Does avoiding him make it more likely that he will want to fuck you?
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 27, 2018 8:17:10 GMT -5
So H said to me this morning that I’m avoiding him and not tallking as much and being distant. I said ‘No i’ve just been busy’ and he said ‘No more busier than me’. I have just keep our conversations to a needs basis and just focusing on me - taking each day as it comes. Lol no master plan as yet. However he’s been treating me like this for the past 6 years and after 3 days of me giving him a taste of his own medicine, he’s questioning me about it. Gosh it really got to me when he said that i’m no more busier than him. Always has to make it about him! For a change i’m enjoying the power and control. I really don’t know how to play it going forward i’ll be honest. If I start talking to him now it will show him that it’s all affecting me. I’d rather show him that i can have a life without begging for his affection and making him feel needed all the time. You are getting his attention. Everything is NOT going his way. I am not going to say you made a mistake. This whole mind games ,word salad game goes way above my pay grade! However you could have said ,"yes, that is exactly what is happening, I refuse to speak with someone who denies my needs and only thinks about themselves. You detached yourself from me except when it fits your needs, so i am doing the same." And walk away. or listen to him reverse it and deny it (DARVO). Then remind him, "it still stands" then drop the rope ,and don't participate in his tug of war game. Get ready to move on with your life without him. Once you expose him and you show that the FOG (Fear ,Obligation, Guilt) has lifted, be ready, put your armor on and be ready for his retaliation. Stay stong and press forward. lean on your support group.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 27, 2018 8:34:34 GMT -5
I am going to toss my 2 cents at you for whatever it is worth.
It does not sound like you have good communication going on here. I think many marriages could possibly turn around if honest communication were employed. If you are actually considering cheating or leaving what do you have to lose?
Perhaps your questions to yourself should include "why do I feel I cannot be honest and open?" What are you afraid of? Why can you not sit down and tell him clearly how you feel, what you need, what you are thinking about?
If there is a chance he will have some self introspection and work on growing and changing it will take hard work and will start with a clear and unequivocal explanation of what the problem is.
I know the game you are now playing is changing the power dynamic. But by not being straightforward it is still a game. Not the real growth you need. You are just kicking the can down the road. Eventually if you want something different- either a real marriage or to get out- really painful and difficult conversations will have to be had. Why wait?
Just a thought! Said with very friendly tone! ☺
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Post by winter123 on Sept 27, 2018 8:37:37 GMT -5
I am going to toss my 2 cents at you for whatever it is worth. It does not sound like you have good communication going on here. I think many marriages could possibly turn around if honest communication were employed. If you are actually considering cheating or leaving what do you have to lose? Perhaps your questions to yourself should include "why do I feel I cannot be honest and open?" What are you afraid of? Why can you not sit down and tell him clearly how you feel, what you need, what you are thinking about? If there is a chance he will have some self introspection and work on growing and changing it will take hard work and will start with a clear and unequivocal explanation of what the problem is. I know the game you are now playing is changing the power dynamic. But by not being straightforward it is still a game. Not the real growth you need. You are just kicking the can down the road. Eventually if you want something different- either a real marriage or to get out- really painful and difficult conversations will have to be had. Why wait? Just a thought! Said with very friendly tone! ☺ Thank you - really appreciate your comments
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Post by winter123 on Sept 27, 2018 8:45:07 GMT -5
So I sent my H a message this aftertoon to say: Not trying to avoid u but I'm struggling to cope in our so-called marriage. You have different priorities/issues that u need to address. I can't keep bringing these to ur attention as i'm just drained by it all. I've realised that I can't change the situation which i have been trying to do for 6+ years and I can't force u to be sexually/intimately/lovingly interested in me. We are clearly on different pages when it comes to our needs which is not sustainable. I have needed the last few days to get my head around things and if we can't resolve things then I think the time has come for me to speak to my parents. I'm not happy and I can't pretend that I am.
His response: Thanks for this. We do need to talk this evening. We need to be clear where we are going, want to go and implications of all actions and importantly impact on our kids as well as ourselves and the total devastation this will cause.
In my view the minute we involve any other people in our business we will have lost all control of our and our kids' future and it gives them the opportunity to take over our lives. So we have to be very very clear if that's what one/both of us want to do.
Soooo in his response nowhere has he indicated to resolve said issue or that he is sorry he has made me feel this way, but is more worried about the impact on involving others. As soon as I make a threat this is how he responds...he is worried about his pride and reputation. I told him that he has not left me with much choice but has just let me down. He responded with: I think if we both could approach tonight's conversation in a positive way we can make progress and give a good chance of progress being maintained. But that relies on us both agreeing what end point we both really want and hoping its the same one. If we are honest We tend not to differ on most things in life. I have said I need to put more time in on us and communicate more and that to be more prioritised on a daily basis in practice.
Wish me luck for this evening.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 27, 2018 8:49:12 GMT -5
That is a great start! Painful, difficult, but real.
I do wish you luck this evening. Stay firm in your truth. You deserve lobe and affection- it is NOT asking too much! He needs to decide if he genuinely wants that. It sounds like he has already been thinking about separation.
Best of luck! Let us know how it goes!!
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Post by sadkat on Sept 27, 2018 8:55:23 GMT -5
So I sent my H a message this aftertoon to say: Not trying to avoid u but I'm struggling to cope in our so-called marriage. You have different priorities/issues that u need to address. I can't keep bringing these to ur attention as i'm just drained by it all. I've realised that I can't change the situation which i have been trying to do for 6+ years and I can't force u to be sexually/intimately/lovingly interested in me. We are clearly on different pages when it comes to our needs which is not sustainable. I have needed the last few days to get my head around things and if we can't resolve things then I think the time has come for me to speak to my parents. I'm not happy and I can't pretend that I am. His response: Thanks for this. We do need to talk this evening. We need to be clear where we are going, want to go and implications of all actions and importantly impact on our kids as well as ourselves and the total devastation this will cause. In my view the minute we involve any other people in our business we will have lost all control of our and our kids' future and it gives them the opportunity to take over our lives. So we have to be very very clear if that's what one/both of us want to do. Soooo in his response nowhere has he indicated to resolve said issue or that he is sorry he has made me feel this way, but is more worried about the impact on involving others. As soon as I make a threat this is how he responds...he is worried about his pride and reputation. I told him that he has not left me with much choice but has just let me down. He responded with: I think if we both could approach tonight's conversation in a positive way we can make progress and give a good chance of progress being maintained. But that relies on us both agreeing what end point we both really want and hoping its the same one. If we are honest We tend not to differ on most things in life. I have said I need to put more time in on us and communicate more and that to be more prioritised on a daily basis in practice. Wish me luck for this evening. Good Luck! I hope you are able to have an open and honest discussion and come to a mutual understanding of where you both need to go from here. What you’re doing takes courage so kudos to you for taking the first step.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2018 9:25:30 GMT -5
This is an excellent start, winter123. Almost anything that changes the status quo in a sexless marriage is a step in the right direction. Good luck in your conversation. I am not that discouraged by your husband's response. I agree that it is best to work things out without bringing in other parties. But you need to be strong enough to make your case. If he says anything that makes you feel vaguely uncomfortable or as if you're being manipulated, even if you can't verbalize it you should be able to just say you need a few minutes to think about his words, don't just accept them. Above all, be honest. If you want a good marriage with him, tell him. If you think things have gone too far to be fixed, tell him. The time for games is over. Good luck!
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Post by winter123 on Sept 27, 2018 9:28:21 GMT -5
Thank you.
I have asked him to be honest to himself and to me and he says he is in love with me and that he is sexually attracted to me.
However actions speak louder than words.
Don’t think he would opt for a separation. He takes me for granted too much to be able to cope without me lol!
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Post by flashjohn on Sept 27, 2018 9:53:53 GMT -5
I know you love him and don't want to end the marriage. But I just want to let you know that I could have written everything you said 20 years ago. I tried and tried not to be resentful, but my resentment grew and grew. When I tried to talk to my refuser, she just gave me excuse after excuse, just like your H. I took on more and more of the household chores, but nothing made any difference. You may be different from me, but it is possible that your resentment is growing steadily and will continue to do so. Eventually, you may get to the point where you cannot stand your H at all.
I would suggest that you find a time when you can talk to him alone for several hours. Tell him that you need him to listen to you until you are done. Then tell him exactly how his rejections have affected you. And explain that your resentment is growing and at some point, your resentment is going to exceed your love for him and then the marriage may end.
Of course, this is just my opinion.
I know I completely relate to everything you have said. I have raised this with my H time and time again and told him that his actions will eventually make me fall out of love with him and that I will end up resenting him. Things changed for a few weeks/months and then back to square one. So what is keeping you with him? Do you have minor kids? I waited until my youngest was out of the house, but it really took its toll on me.
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Post by flashjohn on Sept 27, 2018 10:00:55 GMT -5
he is sexually attracted to me. My refuser said the same thing to me after not fucking me for 6 years AND telling me that I should be happy and fulfilled in a marriage where we never had sex.
I know you may not be ready to hear this, but after spending 28 years in sexual misery, I have come to the conclusion that if a spouse loved you, he/she would be fucking you.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2018 10:17:19 GMT -5
Thank you. I have asked him to be honest to himself and to me and he says he is in love with me and that he is sexually attracted to me. However actions speak louder than words. Don’t think he would opt for a separation. He takes me for granted too much to be able to cope without me lol! I would seriously consider telling him tonight that you are moving to another bedroom. Tell him that feeling rejected every night while with him is too painful. And if he is really sexually attracted to you he can visit you in your room for sex. Otherwise, it is off limits. You can gain a lot of clarity this way.
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