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Post by ironhamster on Oct 4, 2018 0:30:21 GMT -5
hello friend, "my husband is worth it because we share children and history". I say this with love and a concern for you, " that is not a solid foundation for your next 40 yrs." You are going to live into your 90's. Your kids will be long gone and living their own separate lives. History is the past. What kind of "history" is being made in the present? Learning from your present situation will show you what your future is. I am years into your future. When my daughters leave the house and stay with their mom, the house is empty. I get a feeling of emptiness. However, I am free to have a woman, (in your case a man) to share a future of quality time, touch, and words of affirmation. Giving and receiving. Not 40 more years of living with a video game junkie! No more settling for chasing the wind. I do get what you’re saying GC. I would love to find something more, but, until I fix myself, I think that is a little off for me. I am not far behind. The things I need to shed I need to shed anyway. They would leave and I would be fine. Right now, they feel like a security blanket. Honestly, I am missing a fair amount of “good” through work habits if I am being honest. It keeps my mind focused. But I sat and talked to my girls the other night and I realized, I am never going to get this time back. I NEED to be more present for them as well as for myself. Thanks for that though Time for the kids is important, but, I suspect you are not as in need of fixing as you think. At this point, we all have baggage.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2018 19:36:05 GMT -5
Emotional neglect is a doozie. It took me years to admit to myself that I the level of neglect I was tolerating translated to abuse. A friend and I started talking about touch starvation, when you just start intensely desiring to be touched after not receiving any touch. It really threw me for a loop. It took a lot of outsiders to help me see that my partner's behavior was not normal, or healthy, or to be tolerated. Or something that could be changed.
I highly recommend reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." Has a checklist of 36 factors that can determine if you would be better off leaving your marriage. I had 26/36, when the presence of even 1 is considered cause to leave a relationship. I followed it up with a book called "Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship" which made me realize that my partner has some sort of a personality disadvantage or disorder or impairment which makes it actually impossible to understand what I mean when I am saying "I'm lonely." There was one night when I said, "I have felt so empty and lonely in my relationship with you. I feel unloved and unwanted because I don't get touched. I miss having sex with you. I feel miserable like this." Her million dollar reply? "I'm sorry you feel that way."
I'm out!!! Took me years to get to this point, but it finally feels good. Oh, and it also feels really, really shitty.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Oct 7, 2018 15:15:13 GMT -5
@earthorse
I said pretty much the same to my stbx. Her reply was "well, how do you think that makes ME feel knowing you feel so shit from loneliness." Classic DARVO. I believe it is true that personality disordered partners literally see attachment, love, companionship differently. Anyways, old news for me now.
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Post by javba on Oct 11, 2018 7:43:05 GMT -5
hello friend, "my husband is worth it because we share children and history". I say this with love and a concern for you, " that is not a solid foundation for your next 40 yrs." You are going to live into your 90's. Your kids will be long gone and living their own separate lives. History is the past. What kind of "history" is being made in the present? Learning from your present situation will show you what your future is. I am years into your future. When my daughters leave the house and stay with their mom, the house is empty. I get a feeling of emptiness. However, I am free to have a woman, (in your case a man) to share a future of quality time, touch, and words of affirmation. Giving and receiving. Not 40 more years of living with a video game junkie! No more settling for chasing the wind. I do get what you’re saying GC. I would love to find something more, but, until I fix myself, I think that is a little off for me. I am not far behind. The things I need to shed I need to shed anyway. They would leave and I would be fine. Right now, they feel like a security blanket. Honestly, I am missing a fair amount of “good” through work habits if I am being honest. It keeps my mind focused. But I sat and talked to my girls the other night and I realized, I am never going to get this time back. I NEED to be more present for them as well as for myself. Thanks for that though Ditto - The only thing that makes sense in maintaining the dysfunction is semblance or normalcy for kids However as they grow up - and start finding themselves and moving on with their lives it becomes lonlier and harder to the point of diminishing benefits i.e. Is that what I am teaching my kids i.e. this is marriage?? Thru 2 counselings, kids counselings, family counselings and not much to show in intimacy or even companionship other than being a great room-mate. When my 1st kid was moving to college (long distance), I'd spent hours on months crying alone (not all at the same time thankfully) thinking I would not just be able to walk over and get a hug Now I am happy for the child's adjustment and getting out of my mess. Life MOVES. Thankfully - even if we're not ready to move.
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 11, 2018 10:57:02 GMT -5
Emotional neglect is abuse, but my experience is that nobody will care, feel sorry for you, or sympathize. In fact, it was my experience that the clergy and therapists only made suggestions that equated to me trying harder. Why me? Because they saw he WOULD NOT and had ZERO desire to change. So all the focus goes onto the one who will bend themselves into a pretzel trying to make it work. Then when it doesn't work, we get the blame. Because there were no bruises, just complex PTSD and your mind fucked up after decades of neglect.
Worst thing ever.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 13, 2018 11:27:33 GMT -5
I understand this whole-heartedly. I had a breakthrough with my therapist today. Just some things I said out loud that I know are my issues and what I think about all the time. Generally, my escapism is tied directly to my need for attention. It’s not that I get it with my escapism - but it helps ease the anxiety of not getting it. I admitted to her that I love and thrive off of attention after trying to figure how I could redirect that and my addictive personality toward healthier addictive options. So, I CrossFit hoping it will stick, I eat better hoping it will stick. I WANT to become addicted to healthy things. But I require positive feedback when I am doing well. Could I be the type of person that doesn’t care what others think? Nope. It’s just not me. Even at work, a highly competitive environment that managers look for people who are money-motivated, I am just - NOT. I am motivated by praise and being a team player. I need positive comments to make me feel energized. And when I do? I will do whatever necessary to make those people happy in return because I don’t want to let anyone down. When I feel my worst - there are times I feel I didn’t “come through” for someone, or don’t make their day better from talking to me or in their dealings with me. But the fact that I CAN get that at work, and CAN get that from friends, but CANNOT get that from my husband is what keeps me here. I am the greyhound running the track after the treat. And, even though I miss it, the sex really isn’t the point. Emotional neglect is real. But, man, I wonder if I am learning something in the meantime. I am also trying very hard to let it go so I can move on. I am also grappling with the fact that this greyhound needs a rest and may never get that treat even outside of the race. I have to be okay with that to leave. I have to be okay with not getting that fix. Wow JMX that sounds like me. I thrive when I can make people happy. And when I don't I get down on myself about it.
I would rather work for people that have good interactions with each other and support and care for each other and make less money, than to work at a high income place and have the stress of dealing with assholes all day long.
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Post by Handy on Oct 13, 2018 11:36:50 GMT -5
Trust and co-operation go a long way and life is so much better when both and other things happen.
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