endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Sept 18, 2018 17:18:27 GMT -5
Worth reading the full article: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201311/what-is-emotional-neglect%3fampReminds me of an old post called 'the nice refuser'. Extract: the identification of emotional neglect is always the first step in addressing it. This is no small feat because one can spend many years in a dysfunctional, unhappy relationship due to emotional neglect, and not know quite why he or she is so unhappy. Indeed, in abusive relationships, it is easier to identify the offending behavior because it is typically overt actions. In contrast, as stated, emotional neglect involves omissions. For example, one’s spouse does not verbally assault; does not complain incessantly; does not harass, or engage in other forms of aggressive, emotionally harmful activities. The emotionally neglectful partner, after all, does "nothing wrong"; so it’s harder to identify what is so wrong with the relationship. Nevertheless, like emotional abuse, emotional neglect can be quite harmful, and can destroy the quality of a relationship. So, being aware that you are in an emotionally neglectful relationship can be an important first step toward addressing this pervasive and insidious cause of profound unhappiness.
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Post by baza on Sept 18, 2018 20:43:08 GMT -5
I think it may have been Brother @laotzu who penned that - "The Nice Refuser" post - back in the EP/ILIASM days. Thanks for the link Brother endthegame . There's more ways than one for a spouse to be abusive, but it is - at least - overt and identifiable. When it crosses over into "neglect" it is a whole lot harder to identify. But it will still drive a relationship into the ditch just as surely as 'abuse' does. It will take longer to do so, that's all, and take a more indirect path to the same destination as 'abuse' leads to. It is quite insidious. A bit like having your pocket picked rather than being mugged.
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Post by JMX on Sept 19, 2018 19:51:18 GMT -5
I understand this whole-heartedly.
I had a breakthrough with my therapist today. Just some things I said out loud that I know are my issues and what I think about all the time.
Generally, my escapism is tied directly to my need for attention. It’s not that I get it with my escapism - but it helps ease the anxiety of not getting it.
I admitted to her that I love and thrive off of attention after trying to figure how I could redirect that and my addictive personality toward healthier addictive options. So, I CrossFit hoping it will stick, I eat better hoping it will stick. I WANT to become addicted to healthy things. But I require positive feedback when I am doing well.
Could I be the type of person that doesn’t care what others think?
Nope. It’s just not me.
Even at work, a highly competitive environment that managers look for people who are money-motivated, I am just - NOT. I am motivated by praise and being a team player. I need positive comments to make me feel energized. And when I do? I will do whatever necessary to make those people happy in return because I don’t want to let anyone down. When I feel my worst - there are times I feel I didn’t “come through” for someone, or don’t make their day better from talking to me or in their dealings with me.
But the fact that I CAN get that at work, and CAN get that from friends, but CANNOT get that from my husband is what keeps me here. I am the greyhound running the track after the treat. And, even though I miss it, the sex really isn’t the point.
Emotional neglect is real.
But, man, I wonder if I am learning something in the meantime. I am also trying very hard to let it go so I can move on. I am also grappling with the fact that this greyhound needs a rest and may never get that treat even outside of the race.
I have to be okay with that to leave. I have to be okay with not getting that fix.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 19, 2018 21:32:31 GMT -5
JMX@ I've got a comment ,suggestion for you ( it may be 100% wrong, I have no idea). It sounds like your no.1 love language would be words of affirmation? Does your H know this? Is he intelligent ,and selfless enough to work hard at doing that for you? It may be awkward at first, it may sound fake, and like a lie, and not real to him. But you need it, crave it, desire it, and it could eventually end up being true and honest affirmation from him.
I say this because I know a couple ,close to my age where that is her love language. The H has quite a gift for words,and control of language, It's a big part of his career ( he gives financial advice to corporations.).She seems happy with it, for the most part. Sometimes when I am with the two of them I do a lot of observing. I hear her trying to have a complaint heard and she wants him to take some action. Instead she gets ,no action, no answer for a solution, she gets spoken over and she gets(what sounds like to me) some of the same old repetitive, words of affirmation. I think they have lost their meaning. Like telling each other " love you ,good night".
I'm sorry you go through this day after day,it must be slowly chipping away at you.Like a jagged rock turned into a smooth stone by drops of water.
I'm happy for your revelation! Perhaps another turning point? Good luck as you proceed on your journey!
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Post by JMX on Sept 19, 2018 21:55:54 GMT -5
JMX@ I've got a comment ,suggestion for you ( it may be 100% wrong, I have no idea). It sounds like your no.1 love language would be words of affirmation? Does your H know this? Is he intelligent ,and selfless enough to work hard at doing that for you? It may be awkward at first, it may sound fake, and like a lie, and not real to him. But you need it, crave it, desire it, and it could eventually end up being true and honest affirmation from him. I say this because I know a couple ,close to my age where that is her love language. The H has quite a gift for words,and control of language, It's a big part of his career ( he gives financial advice to corporations.).She seems happy with it, for the most part. Sometimes when I am with the two of them I do a lot of observing. I hear her trying to have a complaint heard and she wants him to take some action. Instead she gets ,no action, no answer for a solution, she gets spoken over and she gets(what sounds like to me) some of the same old repetitive, words of affirmation. I think they have lost their meaning. Like telling each other " love you ,good night". I'm sorry you go through this day after day,it must be slowly chipping away at you.Like a jagged rock turned into a smooth stone by drops of water. I'm happy for your revelation! Perhaps another turning point? Good luck as you proceed on your journey! Honestly, it would fall on deaf ears. He is playing video games as I type this. It is almost 10pm. He is not my “person”. I have to be okay with someone not being my “person” and never finding that. That is the hard part. Understanding that you cannot control “it”. If you could - are they worth it? My husband is worth it because we share children and history. I don’t share that with anyone else.
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Post by elkclan2 on Sept 20, 2018 0:52:36 GMT -5
My ex was almost completely incapable of providing emotional support. And the more I needed it the colder he would be. And I suppose the sexual connection I needed in a relationship was another way that he was emotionally neglectful.
I think it's much harder to put your finger on this as 'abuse' particularly if that's the only thing that's going on. But in my case, there was plenty more emotional abuse!
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Post by shamwow on Sept 20, 2018 10:10:51 GMT -5
I understand this whole-heartedly. I had a breakthrough with my therapist today. Just some things I said out loud that I know are my issues and what I think about all the time. Generally, my escapism is tied directly to my need for attention. It’s not that I get it with my escapism - but it helps ease the anxiety of not getting it. I admitted to her that I love and thrive off of attention after trying to figure how I could redirect that and my addictive personality toward healthier addictive options. So, I CrossFit hoping it will stick, I eat better hoping it will stick. I WANT to become addicted to healthy things. But I require positive feedback when I am doing well. Could I be the type of person that doesn’t care what others think? Nope. It’s just not me. Even at work, a highly competitive environment that managers look for people who are money-motivated, I am just - NOT. I am motivated by praise and being a team player. I need positive comments to make me feel energized. And when I do? I will do whatever necessary to make those people happy in return because I don’t want to let anyone down. When I feel my worst - there are times I feel I didn’t “come through” for someone, or don’t make their day better from talking to me or in their dealings with me. But the fact that I CAN get that at work, and CAN get that from friends, but CANNOT get that from my husband is what keeps me here. I am the greyhound running the track after the treat. And, even though I miss it, the sex really isn’t the point. Emotional neglect is real. But, man, I wonder if I am learning something in the meantime. I am also trying very hard to let it go so I can move on. I am also grappling with the fact that this greyhound needs a rest and may never get that treat even outside of the race. I have to be okay with that to leave. I have to be okay with not getting that fix. Try looking at the book by Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It isn't about not caring. It's about choosing what you want to care about and letting the rest go. Then you care about the things that are important to you. After all you only have so many fucks to give. It helped me get peace of mind.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 20, 2018 10:14:31 GMT -5
JMX@ I've got a comment ,suggestion for you ( it may be 100% wrong, I have no idea). It sounds like your no.1 love language would be words of affirmation? Does your H know this? Is he intelligent ,and selfless enough to work hard at doing that for you? It may be awkward at first, it may sound fake, and like a lie, and not real to him. But you need it, crave it, desire it, and it could eventually end up being true and honest affirmation from him. I say this because I know a couple ,close to my age where that is her love language. The H has quite a gift for words,and control of language, It's a big part of his career ( he gives financial advice to corporations.).She seems happy with it, for the most part. Sometimes when I am with the two of them I do a lot of observing. I hear her trying to have a complaint heard and she wants him to take some action. Instead she gets ,no action, no answer for a solution, she gets spoken over and she gets(what sounds like to me) some of the same old repetitive, words of affirmation. I think they have lost their meaning. Like telling each other " love you ,good night". I'm sorry you go through this day after day,it must be slowly chipping away at you.Like a jagged rock turned into a smooth stone by drops of water. I'm happy for your revelation! Perhaps another turning point? Good luck as you proceed on your journey! What's interesting to me is that words of affirmation used to be my number one love language. However, once I got out and found someone who spontaneously lavishes those words on me my language shifted from needing those words to quality time with that person. In my marriage I was starving for many things. Once I got out and realized life can be a buffet? I no longer needed to gorge myself quite so much out of fear the buffet was going away.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Sept 21, 2018 8:30:09 GMT -5
He is not my “person”. I have to be okay with someone not being my “person” and never finding that. That is the hard part. Understanding that you cannot control “it”. If you could - are they worth it? My husband is worth it because we share children and history. I don’t share that with anyone else. I admire the clarity of your thinking here JMX. In staying, we accept that there just may be no real "other" answer. We hang onto a hope but still we lose a bit of our souls via the emotional neglect and chunks of it lost from the direct rejections. I really feel your hurt. I at least do the deed 3-4 times per month as long as I initiate but it is more of "keep the status quo" type. I do not think I could manage the no sex at all while being in the same confined space (our house), it just is not natural. With "children and history", we are looking at the pros to help us sidestep thinking of the cons I suppose. Note: the W has been a sport about it since earlier this year but I still get tired of initiating - hence - I love that word - I checked in here this morning.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 21, 2018 11:34:33 GMT -5
I understand this whole-heartedly. I had a breakthrough with my therapist today. Just some things I said out loud that I know are my issues and what I think about all the time. Generally, my escapism is tied directly to my need for attention. It’s not that I get it with my escapism - but it helps ease the anxiety of not getting it. I admitted to her that I love and thrive off of attention after trying to figure how I could redirect that and my addictive personality toward healthier addictive options. So, I CrossFit hoping it will stick, I eat better hoping it will stick. I WANT to become addicted to healthy things. But I require positive feedback when I am doing well. Could I be the type of person that doesn’t care what others think? Nope. It’s just not me. Even at work, a highly competitive environment that managers look for people who are money-motivated, I am just - NOT. I am motivated by praise and being a team player. I need positive comments to make me feel energized. And when I do? I will do whatever necessary to make those people happy in return because I don’t want to let anyone down. When I feel my worst - there are times I feel I didn’t “come through” for someone, or don’t make their day better from talking to me or in their dealings with me. But the fact that I CAN get that at work, and CAN get that from friends, but CANNOT get that from my husband is what keeps me here. I am the greyhound running the track after the treat. And, even though I miss it, the sex really isn’t the point. Emotional neglect is real. But, man, I wonder if I am learning something in the meantime. I am also trying very hard to let it go so I can move on. I am also grappling with the fact that this greyhound needs a rest and may never get that treat even outside of the race. I have to be okay with that to leave. I have to be okay with not getting that fix. Boy do I understand, JMX. We are similar in ways except that I did decide to retire the race running. Basically, I came to terms with the fact that the "treat" was rigged to always be out of reach for me. So I opted to give it a giant "fuck you" and get off the track. I'm happier no longer running in circles. It would be a lie for me to say I don't still crave the "fix", especially since I also have that addictive side to me, but in general it is a much more emotionally healthy way for me to live.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 21, 2018 11:40:26 GMT -5
JMX said: "I admitted to her that I love and thrive off of attention after trying to figure how I could redirect that and my addictive personality toward healthier addictive options. So, I CrossFit hoping it will stick, I eat better hoping it will stick. I WANT to become addicted to healthy things. But I require positive feedback when I am doing well. " Maybe you just need to be around more people who speak your love language: words of affirmation.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 21, 2018 19:24:58 GMT -5
I finally came to terms with the fact that I wasn't ever going to get my "fix" in my current SM situation. So I'm moving to a different venue and still have the hope of getting my "fix" soon.
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Post by mr.jones on Sept 22, 2018 3:32:50 GMT -5
helpful article I have been in denial these last few years after hearing from the other half... as far as Im concerned this marriage is over. emotional neglect seals the situation. need to get my a** into gear, exit stage left
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 1, 2018 6:59:21 GMT -5
JMX@ I've got a comment ,suggestion for you ( it may be 100% wrong, I have no idea). It sounds like your no.1 love language would be words of affirmation? Does your H know this? Is he intelligent ,and selfless enough to work hard at doing that for you? It may be awkward at first, it may sound fake, and like a lie, and not real to him. But you need it, crave it, desire it, and it could eventually end up being true and honest affirmation from him. I say this because I know a couple ,close to my age where that is her love language. The H has quite a gift for words,and control of language, It's a big part of his career ( he gives financial advice to corporations.).She seems happy with it, for the most part. Sometimes when I am with the two of them I do a lot of observing. I hear her trying to have a complaint heard and she wants him to take some action. Instead she gets ,no action, no answer for a solution, she gets spoken over and she gets(what sounds like to me) some of the same old repetitive, words of affirmation. I think they have lost their meaning. Like telling each other " love you ,good night". I'm sorry you go through this day after day,it must be slowly chipping away at you.Like a jagged rock turned into a smooth stone by drops of water. I'm happy for your revelation! Perhaps another turning point? Good luck as you proceed on your journey! Honestly, it would fall on deaf ears. He is playing video games as I type this. It is almost 10pm. He is not my “person”. I have to be okay with someone not being my “person” and never finding that. That is the hard part. Understanding that you cannot control “it”. If you could - are they worth it? My husband is worth it because we share children and history. I don’t share that with anyone else. hello friend, "my husband is worth it because we share children and history". I say this with love and a concern for you, " that is not a solid foundation for your next 40 yrs." You are going to live into your 90's. Your kids will be long gone and living their own separate lives. History is the past. What kind of "history" is being made in the present? Learning from your present situation will show you what your future is. I am years into your future. When my daughters leave the house and stay with their mom, the house is empty. I get a feeling of emptiness. However, I am free to have a woman, (in your case a man) to share a future of quality time, touch, and words of affirmation. Giving and receiving. Not 40 more years of living with a video game junkie! No more settling for chasing the wind.
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Post by JMX on Oct 2, 2018 22:23:16 GMT -5
Honestly, it would fall on deaf ears. He is playing video games as I type this. It is almost 10pm. He is not my “person”. I have to be okay with someone not being my “person” and never finding that. That is the hard part. Understanding that you cannot control “it”. If you could - are they worth it? My husband is worth it because we share children and history. I don’t share that with anyone else. hello friend, "my husband is worth it because we share children and history". I say this with love and a concern for you, " that is not a solid foundation for your next 40 yrs." You are going to live into your 90's. Your kids will be long gone and living their own separate lives. History is the past. What kind of "history" is being made in the present? Learning from your present situation will show you what your future is. I am years into your future. When my daughters leave the house and stay with their mom, the house is empty. I get a feeling of emptiness. However, I am free to have a woman, (in your case a man) to share a future of quality time, touch, and words of affirmation. Giving and receiving. Not 40 more years of living with a video game junkie! No more settling for chasing the wind. I do get what you’re saying GC. I would love to find something more, but, until I fix myself, I think that is a little off for me. I am not far behind. The things I need to shed I need to shed anyway. They would leave and I would be fine. Right now, they feel like a security blanket. Honestly, I am missing a fair amount of “good” through work habits if I am being honest. It keeps my mind focused. But I sat and talked to my girls the other night and I realized, I am never going to get this time back. I NEED to be more present for them as well as for myself. Thanks for that though
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