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Post by workingonit on Sept 16, 2018 9:59:43 GMT -5
FWIW I have a friend who realized she was gay about 10 years into marriage. They had 3 kids. She cheated on him with a woman and then told him. They went through a painful divorce and she is now married to a fabulous woman.
The kids suffered in the divorce but not until the husband remarried. At first they did very well with joint custody and they really loved their new step mother. The husband remarried a really difficult person who was homophobic and bipolar with a nasty temper. The kids stayed with their mom and her wife and gradually stopped going to their dad at all. The dad ended up divorcing wife #2 and is trying to repair the relationships with his now older children.
I don't think finding out your spouse is gay is any more or less complicated than any multitude of situations that could happen. I think the bigger factor is that BOC's STBX is an asshole. That will have a greater impact on the kids than anything else. They will gravitate toward stability and happiness- likely to you and BOC.
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Post by JMX on Sept 16, 2018 10:01:01 GMT -5
shamwow - my favorite part - spreadsheets are my superpower. Ha! Had me laughing this morning FWIW - the collective wisdom here on divorce proceedings and machinations ALONE is worth it’s weight in gold. And, again, to BOC - this truly sucks and I am really sorry about it all. I am glad you have Sham and your lawyers! I suspect, that without them, your good nature would not be able to handle all the twists and turns of someone so deceitful - despite how smart you are. I could see myself having issues there too. Hugs!
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Post by shamwow on Sept 16, 2018 10:42:13 GMT -5
shamwow, perhaps you don't have leverage against the asshole, but you do have leverage against the parish. If they are so concerned about this news getting out, let them know that the news that they give a sweetheart deal to a man who hypocritically railed against gays while they fire ballofconfusion for divorcing him will be hugely embarrassing. Newspapers love that shit. No lawsuit needed, the threat should at least let them pony up to make up for her lost salary until she finds something comparable. We are not interested in that. She just wants out and to be saddled with a minimum of his shit.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 16, 2018 10:51:09 GMT -5
If it weren't for ballofconfusion I would likely be a womanizing drunk at this point spiraling down the drain. My ex also lied about sexual abuse and concocted a "medical condition" for 20 years. When she admitted the medical condition lie I almost broke my hand pounding the heavy bag in the garage. My ex used the legal structure of my state to get our kids most of the time. Nothing to do with me. It is the default position of the state. I know what it is like to have the why question answered suddenly and find out half your life was lie told by someone who just wanted to use you. This man hurt the woman I love. Badly. It is not just my privilege to use the legal system to bury this fucker. It is my pleasure.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 16, 2018 10:53:38 GMT -5
FWIW I have a friend who realized she was gay about 10 years into marriage. They had 3 kids. She cheated on him with a woman and then told him. They went through a painful divorce and she is now married to a fabulous woman. The kids suffered in the divorce but not until the husband remarried. At first they did very well with joint custody and they really loved their new step mother. The husband remarried a really difficult person who was homophobic and bipolar with a nasty temper. The kids stayed with their mom and her wife and gradually stopped going to their dad at all. The dad ended up divorcing wife #2 and is trying to repair the relationships with his now older children. I don't think finding out your spouse is gay is any more or less complicated than any multitude of situations that could happen. I think the bigger factor is that BOC's STBX is an asshole. That will have a greater impact on the kids than anything else. They will gravitate toward stability and happiness- likely to you and BOC. That is the point BOC and I keep coming back to. The fact he is homosexual isn't the issue. It's the way he USED her and wasted half her life. That has nothing to do with homosexuality.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 16, 2018 11:00:35 GMT -5
shamwow - my favorite part - spreadsheets are my superpower. Ha! Had me laughing this morning FWIW - the collective wisdom here on divorce proceedings and machinations ALONE is worth it’s weight in gold. And, again, to BOC - this truly sucks and I am really sorry about it all. I am glad you have Sham and your lawyers! I suspect, that without them, your good nature would not be able to handle all the twists and turns of someone so deceitful - despite how smart you are. I could see myself having issues there too. Hugs! If there is one point I can add to this is that your case belongs to you. Your lawyers advise and help but they are not superhuman. For example. On one occasion they got the wrong amount for child support. To the tune of a few hundred bucks a month. Just last week, one of their paralegals forgot about $5800 in back support not paid. That is another reason I've taken such an active interest in this. You always take more interest in something that affects you. ballofconfusion and I are planning a life together. What happens in this process affects both of us. See, old shammy also has some self interest in this fight. But in the end, five years from now (when my youngest son graduates), ballofconfusion and I plan to leave the US and live in a variety of countries and explore this world we live on. Not as tourists, but full time. This will happen. I've got spreadsheets that say it will. 😉
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 16, 2018 12:05:16 GMT -5
FWIW I have a friend who realized she was gay about 10 years into marriage. They had 3 kids. She cheated on him with a woman and then told him. They went through a painful divorce and she is now married to a fabulous woman. The kids suffered in the divorce but not until the husband remarried. At first they did very well with joint custody and they really loved their new step mother. The husband remarried a really difficult person who was homophobic and bipolar with a nasty temper. The kids stayed with their mom and her wife and gradually stopped going to their dad at all. The dad ended up divorcing wife #2 and is trying to repair the relationships with his now older children. I don't think finding out your spouse is gay is any more or less complicated than any multitude of situations that could happen. I think the bigger factor is that BOC's STBX is an asshole. That will have a greater impact on the kids than anything else. They will gravitate toward stability and happiness- likely to you and BOC. That is the point BOC and I keep coming back to. The fact he is homosexual isn't the issue. It's the way he USED her and wasted half her life. That has nothing to do with homosexuality. It comes back to the trust factor doesn't it? I have ZERO trust in my ex, yet she still has the kids half the time. Fortunately they are learning to stand up to her BS tactics. There is joy to be found in that tribulation. I am joyful that I know have more self confidence to know to "trust yet verify", in my future journeys. Thank You God for another major tipping point to confirm that you (BOC) are making the right choices. One of mine was when my ex committed Fraud against attorneys and violated every bit of her court orders. Was there justice through court? No? Does that mean that there is no justice in other ways? No. Instead there will be continuous justice for me and the rest of the family, the truth gets exposed and sets you free. Now comes learning to trust again. Part of the healing process. A little tangent here: Shammy is going to jump off the roof of the house, (Shammy's a big guy, it's a tall roof) BOC is there and says " I will catch you" Shammy trusts that BOC wants to catch him. Shammy says " go get some more help" more help arrives, now Shammy has faith. LIFE is so risky. SO risky that no one gets out alive!
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Post by shamwow on Sept 16, 2018 12:11:41 GMT -5
That is the point BOC and I keep coming back to. The fact he is homosexual isn't the issue. It's the way he USED her and wasted half her life. That has nothing to do with homosexuality. It comes back to the trust factor doesn't it? I have ZERO trust in my ex, yet she still has the kids half the time. Fortunately they are learning to stand up to her BS tactics. There is joy to be found in that tribulation. I am joyful that I know have more self confidence to know to "trust yet verify", in my future journeys. Thank You God for another major tipping point to confirm that you (BOC) are making the right choices. One of mine was when my ex committed Fraud against attorneys and violated every bit of her court orders. Was there justice through court? No? Does that mean that there is no justice in other ways? No. Instead there will be continuous justice for me and the rest of the family, the truth gets exposed and sets you free. Now comes learning to trust again. Part of the healing process. A little tangent here: Shammy is going to jump off the roof of the house, (Shammy's a big guy, it's a tall roof) BOC is there and says " I will catch you" Shammy trusts that BOC wants to catch him. Shammy says " go get some more help" more help arrives, now Shammy has faith. LIFE is so risky. SO risky that no one gets out alive! Shammy is a really big guy and BOC is pretty little. She had better get a lot of help 😂
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 16, 2018 12:37:53 GMT -5
shamwow My pastor just gave a similar example in his talk about trust. When I heard it and wrote it down , I thought " that is so damn good!!, I know who I am going to share that with! How applicable!" So here I am. The difference in trust and faith, and how trust leads to faith. Not just "religion" but how much meaning it has in our everyday lives.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 14:51:30 GMT -5
shamwow , perhaps you don't have leverage against the asshole, but you do have leverage against the parish. If they are so concerned about this news getting out, let them know that the news that they give a sweetheart deal to a man who hypocritically railed against gays while they fire ballofconfusion for divorcing him will be hugely embarrassing. Newspapers love that shit. No lawsuit needed, the threat should at least let them pony up to make up for her lost salary until she finds something comparable. We are not interested in that. She just wants out and to be saddled with a minimum of his shit. I understand....but the church will pay to avoid embarrassment. Just another arrow in the quiver, and one that can also mess up the jerk's plan to look like a saint for quitting. But I understand.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 17, 2018 21:07:23 GMT -5
So this is interesting. Early last week ballofconfusion stbx asked for a "reset" on the divorce so as to get this over with. Hot to trot so to say. I sent him what is needed on his end as it pertains to custody, support, investments, retirement, debt, etc... It was a total of around 8 emails on different subjects. Basically I drop an anvil on his head with valid legal requests that he does NOT want to produce. They are also things the judge has ordered him to produce already. Then he is outed to BOC by one of the kids. He barrage the kids angrily to find out which kid told BOC. They all form a wall of silence. So all weekend he wants to "talk about this" in person with BOC. I advise her to ignore him. He has an amazing demonstrated ability to turn her into a... Well.. Ball of confusion when they talk face to face. She did until last night when she told him there wasn't much to talk about, she is really raw on this right now, she has some feelings on this right now and doesn't want to talk. He replied that he understands BOC has feelings. Oh and by the way can we hold off divorce talks until they have a chance to talk in person? When she shared that text with me I knew we are in good shape. He doesn't give a fuck what her feelings are. And he better hang on. This freight train is just starting to pick up speed.
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Post by baza on Sept 17, 2018 21:46:56 GMT -5
Bear in mind this is a view 'at distance' and I don't have a dog in this particular fight.
Getting the divorce done in as expeditious manner possible with BOCs' best interests paramount appears to be the primary mission.
How that might be achieved is the finer detail.
Whatever you have in your bag of tricks to bring this about is all legit. But as ever in these circumstances, don't say anything that you aren't prepared to do.
Personally, if I was sure that it would help achieve the primary goal (of getting the split done and dusted) I'd have no compunction at all about using the sexual orientation card if need be as a medium to "help him see that co-operating in an equitable, adult and honourable split would be in his own best interests".
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Post by jamesbonding on Sept 17, 2018 22:27:02 GMT -5
I would love to see Mr. BOC get his just deserts, BUT
Let your lawyer figure out what, if anything, to do with the gay card. Keep in mind, blackmail is illegal.
BTW, is it that much of a disaster if the youngest kid goes to a public school instead of the private school they are going to now?
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 17, 2018 22:54:15 GMT -5
My guess? Just a stab in the dark, .... It's about MONEY. I would not be surprised. if he is making plans to hide, steal, manipulate, transfer funds, any way possible. He may be planning to leave the country and avoid any alimony. He may have a male lover planning to move away with him.
Money and debt MONEY. Have you looked into a forensic accountant or attorney? It may be just the right time for some undercover work. The clock is ticking.
Just a reminder from my experience. I could prove that the money was taken. I could prove that the money was missing. I could prove who and when. What I still had the burden of proving was "where is it now?" She got away with it. He may be planning on leaving the country and socking BOC with the debt and no support. ( my sister in law had that happen to her)
Is this something to mention to your attorney? And demand action.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 18, 2018 6:18:39 GMT -5
Bear in mind this is a view 'at distance' and I don't have a dog in this particular fight. Getting the divorce done in as expeditious manner possible with BOCs' best interests paramount appears to be the primary mission. How that might be achieved is the finer detail. Whatever you have in your bag of tricks to bring this about is all legit. But as ever in these circumstances, don't say anything that you aren't prepared to do. Personally, if I was sure that it would help achieve the primary goal (of getting the split done and dusted) I'd have no compunction at all about using the sexual orientation card if need be as a medium to "help him see that co-operating in an equitable, adult and honourable split would be in his own best interests". Actually, I suspect that he would like nothing more than for the sexual orientation card to be used. BOC and I are in agreement that we'd like this over as quickly as possible. However we also believe that he would love for us to play the "gay" card so he can play the victim. Instead, all we are bringing up is that in almost a year of divorce proceedings, he has not even produced a single statement from the date of separation. Gay, straight, bi, whatever. That is defying a court order. The next step is to have the court compel him and supeona the records. After that if he refuses to cooperate, the next step is a default divorce where BOC lays out the terms, his input is no longer considered, and the marriage is dissolved. The court doesn't care about any of his sexual preferences, and it is not sure that in California he cares if people know in the end. As you say, the key goal here is to get out of this as quickly as possible. That is a matter of financial statements and court orders. Bringing in his orientation is strangely enough beside the point and muddies the waters. Besides, he plans on switching jobs anyway. There isn't much point. Of course as soon as this is done, BOC is going to seek an annulment in the Catholic Church. She already has three solid grounds. Questions will be posed to him (that he will be required to answer) and he will get to do good old Catholic walk of shame. That's the time to make the popcorn and sit back.
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