I agree with JMX. I still wonder if my h is gay. The bottom line, tho- it doesn’t really matter the reason they don’t want to have sex with us. We must base our decisions on the fact that we are not having sex. Sounds like BOC made that decision some time ago and is enjoying true sexual fulfillment now. To me, that’s what matters. Whatever stbx is doing no longer matters. By all means, keep the secret if it is in your best interest but don’t let it negatively impact the life you worked so hard to rebuild.
Post by TheGreatPretender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 14, 2018 15:00:14 GMT -5
shamwow and @boc Sending you my deepest sympathies and some good vibes that things will get better.
That is a lot to deal with in a short time. My head is spinning just from reading.
I do remember a roommate from college that got married and after spending 9 years together (before and after marriage) his wife discovered she is a lesbian and was carrying an affair with a lover. It messed with his head for a long time. So you may need to be patient if this is having an effect.
With regards to the lawyer, maybe get some legal advice from a third party lawyer to understand whether there is an obligation to disclose as far as the divorce goes.
So I'm writing this on behalf of ballofconfusion. Last night she wondered what the forum would think but as you will come to understand, she is worn to the bone.
First some background for those not familiar with her story since she doesn't post much.
She was married for 25 years. Four kids. 23, 21, 19, 17. Oldest three are boys in college. Youngest a girl in her junior year of high school. Almost completely sexless including wedding night. Rare occasions produced children.
BOC wondered for years what was wrong with her. She changed her appearance. She lost weight and put on weight. She did all of the bacon scented candles tricks we are all familiar with. In tears she even asked him if he was gay.
Several years ago his mom passed away and he began to "remember" childhood sexual abuse. BOC tried to get him to get help but he was an unwilling participant at best.
After 22 years it became too much. On a trip she had dinner with a childhood friend who her parents had forbidden her to see. He was also in a SM. A number of glasses of wine later they went up to her room at the hotel. This was the start of a three year affair consisting of around a half dozen trips. She has no regrets on this because it finally gave her the complete knowledge that it was her stbx, not her that was the problem.
She covered her trail, but forgot to delete a single email from her trash folder and her stbx snooped. He had also installed a tracking app on her phone. He asked her where she was planning to stay when she returned home and threatened to do the "right thing" and blow up her AP's family by telling her AP's wife. Not pretty.
Her AP had gone AWOL when her stbx discovered the affair (despite sweet words of both getting out and perhaps making a life together). This showed BOC where that relationship was. FWB at best. They continued to see each other but it was just physical at that point.
This is where she enters the forum.
She posted her story. I sent her a PM telling her she wasn't alone. My stbx (I was in the divorce process at the time) also alleged childhood sexual abuse (I think now she was lying). I told BOC she was not alone. We began to chat and become good friends.
This is where her and my stories intertwine. February 2017.
As a friend I helped BOC with the financial and legal aspects of her mediation and then divorce. She filed and moved out July 2017. In that time we have flown back and forth coming up on 30 times (thank you Spirit Airlines).
This past year or so has been the most turbulent in her life. She told her kids she was leaving their father who had just opened up about his pas sexual abuse. She had also confessed the affair to them so he couldn't hold it over her head. He just sat in the room not saying a word and looked smug.
She lost her job and had to reboot her career - twice (catholics fired her for divorce).
She has had to navigate the court system.
She has had to deal with verbal and emotional abuse from her stbx
Her stbx has stolen one of the kids college funds
Her "rich lady" confortable lifestyle is gone.
She discovered her stbx has rung up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and was trying to stick her weigh it.
In just the past three months.
Her 21 year old son was diagnosed with stage 3c melanoma. She has done the heavy lifting here getting him treatment. The stbx barely showed up and the son kicked him out during recovery because the dad was hitting him up for money for a car payment. Fortunately he is recovering now and even went back to scho this fall. I loaned him 4k for a car.
Her mom was diagnosed with a type of stomach cancer. She is getting therapy but has had complications with infection. She came within an hour of dying at one point. Last week she thought it was 1998 and other delusions. We thought she was going to die so we met in Oklahoma it see her. A borderline miracle occurred and she is with us again.
During this time she has been reliant on her mom for financial help from her mom to make ends meet. Her exit plan job fell apart when the catholic school she was working at found out she was divorcing. Now her mom was ill and we needed to figure out her affairs and BOCs (I helped on this so she coukd go us on mom's care) . Again thank God she is recovering so we can handle both.
Her stbx didn't do financial aid as he said he would for their oldest son son gets to school (his final semester BTW) and I'd told his classes will be cancel. He needed 652 for 2 weeks. Dad says he's shit out of luck. I made the loan and it's been repaid.
In an effort to bring in more money her stbx has begun taking in "boarders" (in a house provided to him almost free as a benefit of his job). The first boarder is barely out of high school. The 17 year old daughter refuses to stay there and has moved in with BOC full time instead of the alternating weeks he was granted by the court. He seems ok with this.
I had met her two oldest last January. I met her two youngest three weeks ago.
Apparently an hour before they met me good old dad takes the kids aside and comes out of the closet. Yes. For 25 years he has been a gay man trying to live a straight family man life. Now he is trying to "figure out his place in the gay community" whatever that means.
He told the kids (three of them at least) but asked them to keep it secret and also not tell mom. He was going to do that. Last night one of the boys decided BOC had a right to know and told her.
She is stunned. Angry. Relieved. Grieving. Feeling like a fool. A whole raft of emotions.
So right now everyone knows but nobody can talk since he is principal of a religious school (and has railed about the evils of homosexuality for the kids entire life).
So. Ideas on what she should do?
And some encouragement coming her way will help. She's heartbroken this morning.
Edit: It goes without saying that she is fine with me posting this and wants everyone's feedback. This is her story. Not mine. Well, I guess it's oír story now.
Post by ironhamster on Sept 14, 2018 19:17:29 GMT -5
Don't tell the school based on here-say. It will only be perceived as mudslinging if all he has done is admit it privately. If you have bank records showing he is a member of a gay bath house or pictures of him with a boyfriend that is entirely different. Consider the fallout, though. His spousal and child support plus the daughter's education being at risk is a big deal.
I think it is good to know, just for the sake of closure. There is more clarity with her situation than I ever hope to have.
Post by jamesbonding on Sept 14, 2018 19:17:57 GMT -5
It can get stranger. I knew a woman who was a grandfather. Let that sink in for a minute. He got married to a woman, had some kids, then decided he wanted to be a she. Now she still hangs out with other women. I've wondered, if s/he likes to hang out with women, wouldn't it have been a lot simpler to remain a man?!
I once saw a video (maybe a BBC documentary) about a guy that got married, then decided he wanted to be a woman, and went through the transformation. They were still married, and the original wife seemed to be supportive, when the program was recorded.
Might be time to scrub that name ballofconfusion to something more in tune with todays reality and reflective of where you are now.
"Sphere Of Excellence" perhaps, given what you've handled, and how you've handled it up to now.
Still to come appears to be more of Mr BOC's bullshit, up to and including trying to dud you further financially.
Whereas in these circumstances I am inclined to suggest "cut your losses and move on", I do have a vindictive streak in me if pushed hard enough, and I'd have no compuction at all in using his sexual preference against him if doing so would advance my agenda. Not because I am homophobic, rather the fact that I am "prickophobic". He's a prick.
shamwow, IMO I would not out him, yet. Maybe after the daughter finishes school. However, if he is taking in "borders" then there is a damn good chance that someone else will out him. BOC should tell her lawyer just to be prepared.
"Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing." - Herodotus
choosinghappy: Hope you had a great birthday h!
Sept 1, 2018 21:19:34 GMT -5
mrrobot: Hi guys, I don't know if this community is still active - if so, I posted a thread at the forum if anyone could give me some light I'd be really thankful! Cheers
Sept 2, 2018 7:48:17 GMT -5
georgia: Hi...I’ve just joined the group. And I simply need a place to vent and hopefully receive some help dealing with my utterly sexless marriage. After 15 years of marriage our sex life has dwindled to nada, zero, nothing.
Sept 3, 2018 14:48:18 GMT -5
kh: why even marry someone with a high libido if you hate sex
Sept 4, 2018 4:28:42 GMT -5
javba: kh - fast forward 2 kids and 20 years later I have not resolved the problem you're looking at. Now I have cracked 51 yrs, have lesser chances of finding someone, not as market-able. You may want to reconsider "child is 8 mon old" with a 50% divorce rate
Sept 4, 2018 10:07:57 GMT -5
DryCreek: mrrobot, georgia, kh - welcome! I see a couple of you have posted your stories in the forum. I think not a lot of folks use this chat because you can only see it on laptops, not on phones. georgia, please do post your story and vent here. We get it.
Sept 6, 2018 10:29:43 GMT -5