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Post by sweetplumeria on Sept 6, 2018 21:54:56 GMT -5
I was watching thd Nefflix show Sisters. I was surprised when the scene with s marriage counselor came on and the couple were hsving a frank discussion about sex, or lack there of.
I kind of like that our topic is being explored. I feel like they handled it rather tamely but still, its something. I find it weird that socially we are more likely tk find out someone is gay rather than if people have sex in their marriage. Our issue is the dirty little secret in a way.
Anyways, keep finding life reflected in the screen. The man left the refuser, and she of course wanted them to stay together. I found it thought provoking that in this particular version of SM, the refuser had to face something about themselves if the marriage ended.
I wonder how many of our spouses would have to face something about themselves if we broke off the marriage?
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Post by flounder on Sept 6, 2018 22:02:15 GMT -5
But what would they learn ? I’m almost positive a majority do not believe they are are doing anything wrong.
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Post by baza on Sept 6, 2018 22:42:34 GMT -5
Background (been out since 2009)
Must admit that after I left, whether my spouse had "to face something about themselves when we divorced" is not something I ever dwelled on too much.
She either did or she didn't.
What she thought after the event I don't know, and don't regard it as any of my business either.
I had (and still have) my own shit to sort out - which is challenging enough all by itself I find, without worrying too much about other peoples shit.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Sept 7, 2018 2:31:38 GMT -5
Background (been out since 2009) Must admit that after I left, whether my spouse had "to face something about themselves when we divorced" is not something I ever dwelled on too much. She either did or she didn't. What she thought after the event I don't know, and don't regard it as any of my business either. I had (and still have) my own shit to sort out - which is challenging enough all by itself I find, without worrying too much about other peoples shit. lol of course Baz. I suppose I was in a moment from the show but also thinking of comments my husband made long ago. Idk if he is gay, was molested as a child or what. In the show refuser wife was refusing to acknowledge being gay. I was pondering how many people like that keep this group hoatage.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 7, 2018 6:04:03 GMT -5
I was watching thd Nefflix show Sisters. I was surprised when the scene with s marriage counselor came on and the couple were hsving a frank discussion about sex, or lack there of. I kind of like that our topic is being explored. I feel like they handled it rather tamely but still, its something. I find it weird that socially we are more likely tk find out someone is gay rather than if people have sex in their marriage. Our issue is the dirty little secret in a way. Anyways, keep finding life reflected in the screen. The man left the refuser, and she of course wanted them to stay together. I found it thought provoking that in this particular version of SM, the refuser had to face something about themselves if the marriage ended. I wonder how many of our spouses would have to face something about themselves if we broke off the marriage? I'm with baza. I had my own shit to work out and wasn't paying attention to my ex "facing something about herself". I'm still getting my shit together. Honestly I probably always will. And that's probably a healthy approach to life. A bit over a year out for my ex? I think the narrative in her mind is that I was to blame. For the bait and switch that is completely untrue. But for the shitty way I coped with it for 20 years? Yeah. I do have to face up to the fact I own some of that. But if it were her TV show? Nah, she doesn't appear to have learned a thing.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 7, 2018 6:06:42 GMT -5
Background (been out since 2009) Must admit that after I left, whether my spouse had "to face something about themselves when we divorced" is not something I ever dwelled on too much. She either did or she didn't. What she thought after the event I don't know, and don't regard it as any of my business either. I had (and still have) my own shit to sort out - which is challenging enough all by itself I find, without worrying too much about other peoples shit. lol of course Baz. I suppose I was in a moment from the show but also thinking of comments my husband made long ago. Idk if he is gay, was molested as a child or what. In the show refuser wife was refusing to acknowledge being gay. I was pondering how many people like that keep this group hoatage. I would bet $1000 that ballofconfusion ex husband is a closet gay man. My ex is just asexual I think. I suspect the asexual refusing spouse is more common than the gay one. At least in this day and age.
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Post by WindSister on Sept 7, 2018 7:32:37 GMT -5
Yes. They will have something (many things) to face but it might not be what you think they ought to face.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Sept 7, 2018 7:40:33 GMT -5
So darn true! Yes. They will have something (many things) to face but it might not be what you think they ought to face.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 7, 2018 8:23:57 GMT -5
I picked No based on my ex. I picked No because like most refusers they are avoidant. He is very avoidant of himself and his vices. That’s why he has high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, etc. He does take medicine now and he’s better about managing his poor health but avoidant to improve it. The same way he was avoidant to improve his marriage. Of course this avoidant behavior works for me now because he’s no longer my husband, my lover or anything romantic. We are co parents, best friends, and we enjoy each other’s company. His avoidance lends itself to the “don’t ask don’t tell” manner by which I am able to see my fwb and who knows maybe he has a fwb too. Maybe he likes to suck cock as much as I do. I’ll never know and frankly I don’t care. I’m not interested in his sexuality and mine is none of his business. I’m a realist and most refusers are avoidant and don’t face issues that make their lives difficult.
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Post by sadkat on Sept 7, 2018 9:12:48 GMT -5
I could really have used a fwb last night. It was a rough one. Had to resort to Tylenol pm to calm down enough to sleep. Times like these make me wish I were further ahead in the leaving process. I’d do just about anything for some physical affection. I don’t think it matters if my h is gay, straight, bi- he’s not into me, that’s for sure. If I had to be honest, I’m really not that into him anymore either. But, last night-had he initiated, maybe it would have been a different story. I no longer can bring myself to initiate with him- no matter how desperate I am. I’ve got my first counseling appointment on Tuesday. I need my new online friends to keep me honest and moving forward. This really sucks!!
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 7, 2018 9:55:20 GMT -5
I did divorce my spouse. There's nothing extraordinary about her past or current history. No homosexuality, molestation, or any abuse that would have made her sexually avoidant. She just experienced the normal loss of hormones as part of the pre-menopause and ageing process and she lost any real desire for intimacy. I came to realize she didn't really love me so she felt no need to satisfy my sexual wants or desires. Quarterly was enough for her and I'm sure she thought it should be enough for me. More than that was more than she could tolerate. And she wasn't interested in looking the other way for me to out source. So it was divorce for us. We are both happier being divorced. We come and go as we please, do what we want when we want. She hasn't dated and I doubt it ever enters her mind. My expectation is that most of our spouses are simply low libido or asexual. They just don't need or want intimacy and don't understand why it's so important to us. There are of course some exceptions where a SM is justified (medical, abuse) or at least there are reasons in the mind of one spouse to dislike the idea of intimacy with the other. But that's a different discussion.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 7, 2018 10:17:17 GMT -5
I picked "yes" because as much as her fears, has her well trained to manipulate and avoid the truth, our divorce has forced the truth upon her.
What she does with it is her business, and is no longer my concern.
Someone posted on here a while ago " your wife is going to end up a lonely,depressed person". For now she replaced her H with her failing health father. She buys the kids love, and they tell me, " they just want to get out of there.
One example of the truth, hitting her in the face? My 17 yr old son is struggling with his bi-polar diagnosis. He has decided to stay with his mom more than me. He explains to me " My best friend is right around the corner, I have a bigger room and more computer access". Notice it has nothing to do with a choice between mom and dad.
My ex has more control over the insurance and doctor visits.
He told the doctor in front of both his mother and me ," I am staying with her because she is FINALLY leaving me alone! I can't stand her, It's the only way we get along, I am rarely there for very long , I stay busy away from the house".
Maybe, maybe, she is learning that the family does not want her controlling behavior?
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Post by h on Sept 7, 2018 10:34:13 GMT -5
If we divorced, my W would have to face many things about herself but none of them are related to our sexual issues. She has been able to avoid many hard decisions in her life because I or her parents have always been there. She has been able to get by on less stressful, but lower paying jobs because she could depend on my income and health insurance. She didn't have to work when she was working on her master's degree because I supported her. She doesn't have to worry about cooking her meals or washing laundry. She doesn't have to worry about home or car maintenance. She would have to become self sufficient and in all her life, she never has been.
On the surface, she would know that our sexual issues were the main reason for divorce, but beyond that, she wouldn't give it a second thought. She would have more important things to think about.
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Post by flounder on Sept 7, 2018 10:58:14 GMT -5
I could really have used a fwb last night. It was a rough one. Had to resort to Tylenol pm to calm down enough to sleep. Times like these make me wish I were further ahead in the leaving process. I’d do just about anything for some physical affection. I don’t think it matters if my h is gay, straight, bi- he’s not into me, that’s for sure. If I had to be honest, I’m really not that into him anymore either. But, last night-had he initiated, maybe it would have been a different story. I no longer can bring myself to initiate with him- no matter how desperate I am. I’ve got my first counseling appointment on Tuesday. I need my new online friends to keep me honest and moving forward. This really sucks!! Don’t we all dear.
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Post by flounder on Sept 7, 2018 11:00:29 GMT -5
If we divorced, my W would have to face many things about herself but none of them are related to our sexual issues. She has been able to avoid many hard decisions in her life because I or her parents have always been there. She has been able to get by on less stressful, but lower paying jobs because she could depend on my income and health insurance. She didn't have to work when she was working on her master's degree because I supported her. She doesn't have to worry about cooking her meals or washing laundry. She doesn't have to worry about home or car maintenance. She would have to become self sufficient and in all her life, she never has been. On the surface, she would know that our sexual issues were the main reason for divorce, but beyond that, she wouldn't give it a second thought. She would have more important things to think about. This.
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