Post by mrrobot on Sept 2, 2018 7:49:08 GMT -5
Hi all,
It took me a lot to actually decide to write here. I don't know if what is happening with me is already cover, but I'll give the background and if anyone would have any opinion, pease please write me.
I'm a 37 year-old, married for almost six months. I love my wife enormously, she's my guiding light and god knows I need one sometime. And I have every reason to believe she loves me too. She is beautiful, intelligent and extremely attractive. Myself, I am not painful to look at - thin, dark har, pretty ok. It all started on Happn (app), but we had great affinity and went to the same uni together (Found the videos later).
While dating, our sex life was great. But then we had some major crises, both individually and as a couple. I cheated on her once on a solo trip to Europe, and regret that as I may, i can't take it back. She was wonderful in forgiving me. I should mention I do have some diverging ideas around monogamy, detaching sex from love and having an open relationship. I did, however, choose to have a regular relationship anyhow, as I love her so much. I also had a moderate problem with drug abuse (ketamine) for about three months. What unchained all these reactions was the fact that we were having a nervous breakdown on our lives, at the time, and it ended up with us splitting for a couple of weeks - in which I basically tried to screw every hole I could find.
After two weeks I just couldn't bear the thought of not being with here, and I told her about everything. She hurt enormously, and I hated myself for causing that. And we got out of Brazil to Germany soon afterwards. While there, living together for the first time, we decided we didn't want to move back to Brazil.The problem is she din't have a visa. So, since I have European nationality, we got married early this year and moved to the UK in a hellish bureaucratic and logistics nightmare. We did get back together, this time for good (i hope).
So, nervous breakdown: we were hating our jobs, city life and basically the idea to stay in Brasil was really stressful. We broke as I said earlier each through their own psychiatrist, we ended up with the same medication - Venlafaxine - which is known as libido's bane. We stayed for a year, though our moving, and here in the UK we decided to start taper it off slowly. We barely touch each other sexually. We cuddle, kiss, make out, but in the end neither of us seem to get it up and running, you know? I read about venlafaxine and it is notoriously bad for sex and also terrible side effects when weaning out. At the beginning, it was ok, we could still have sex. As the treatment started gaining momentum, we both phased out of sex completely. I almost never get an erection, even with viagra. She is also suffering from not being lubricated or aroused.
I have been weaning off for two months now, and she started this week. Still nothing.
Last night, as we were celebrating my birthday, I did something stupid and installed tinder, just to chat up some random women, thinking that would elevate my self-esteem - not even thinking of meeting in person. Well it didn't work, and worse, she found out (I confessed) and we are now at a cliff's edge.
My question is, what can I do as a loving partner (I know you only got my word on it, but she would agree to parts), to make her understand how this has been difficult for us, and how strange I feel and disconnected from sex altogether (not just with her, not even porn is arousing me - and I used to love it). How can I make her at least think about it on a different light?
Personally, I am not the jealous kind at all. I would be ok with her going with other men (especially since I can't now). The only boundary for me is not the bedroom, but the very house - as long as she remains with me, as family, as long as we love each other like we do, I am open to whatever could make her (and me) happy together, even if unconventionally.
Summarising, I have a history of two fuck-ups (early dating and then this tinder episode last night), but our sex life was just great before we started with the medicine, and now there is not even a clear denier or denied, as both of us are a little of each.
Sorry for the long post, took me so long to grow the courage to say this in public... any advice would be much appreciated.
Sincerely, T.
The thing is
It took me a lot to actually decide to write here. I don't know if what is happening with me is already cover, but I'll give the background and if anyone would have any opinion, pease please write me.
I'm a 37 year-old, married for almost six months. I love my wife enormously, she's my guiding light and god knows I need one sometime. And I have every reason to believe she loves me too. She is beautiful, intelligent and extremely attractive. Myself, I am not painful to look at - thin, dark har, pretty ok. It all started on Happn (app), but we had great affinity and went to the same uni together (Found the videos later).
While dating, our sex life was great. But then we had some major crises, both individually and as a couple. I cheated on her once on a solo trip to Europe, and regret that as I may, i can't take it back. She was wonderful in forgiving me. I should mention I do have some diverging ideas around monogamy, detaching sex from love and having an open relationship. I did, however, choose to have a regular relationship anyhow, as I love her so much. I also had a moderate problem with drug abuse (ketamine) for about three months. What unchained all these reactions was the fact that we were having a nervous breakdown on our lives, at the time, and it ended up with us splitting for a couple of weeks - in which I basically tried to screw every hole I could find.
After two weeks I just couldn't bear the thought of not being with here, and I told her about everything. She hurt enormously, and I hated myself for causing that. And we got out of Brazil to Germany soon afterwards. While there, living together for the first time, we decided we didn't want to move back to Brazil.The problem is she din't have a visa. So, since I have European nationality, we got married early this year and moved to the UK in a hellish bureaucratic and logistics nightmare. We did get back together, this time for good (i hope).
So, nervous breakdown: we were hating our jobs, city life and basically the idea to stay in Brasil was really stressful. We broke as I said earlier each through their own psychiatrist, we ended up with the same medication - Venlafaxine - which is known as libido's bane. We stayed for a year, though our moving, and here in the UK we decided to start taper it off slowly. We barely touch each other sexually. We cuddle, kiss, make out, but in the end neither of us seem to get it up and running, you know? I read about venlafaxine and it is notoriously bad for sex and also terrible side effects when weaning out. At the beginning, it was ok, we could still have sex. As the treatment started gaining momentum, we both phased out of sex completely. I almost never get an erection, even with viagra. She is also suffering from not being lubricated or aroused.
I have been weaning off for two months now, and she started this week. Still nothing.
Last night, as we were celebrating my birthday, I did something stupid and installed tinder, just to chat up some random women, thinking that would elevate my self-esteem - not even thinking of meeting in person. Well it didn't work, and worse, she found out (I confessed) and we are now at a cliff's edge.
My question is, what can I do as a loving partner (I know you only got my word on it, but she would agree to parts), to make her understand how this has been difficult for us, and how strange I feel and disconnected from sex altogether (not just with her, not even porn is arousing me - and I used to love it). How can I make her at least think about it on a different light?
Personally, I am not the jealous kind at all. I would be ok with her going with other men (especially since I can't now). The only boundary for me is not the bedroom, but the very house - as long as she remains with me, as family, as long as we love each other like we do, I am open to whatever could make her (and me) happy together, even if unconventionally.
Summarising, I have a history of two fuck-ups (early dating and then this tinder episode last night), but our sex life was just great before we started with the medicine, and now there is not even a clear denier or denied, as both of us are a little of each.
Sorry for the long post, took me so long to grow the courage to say this in public... any advice would be much appreciated.
Sincerely, T.
The thing is