Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 22:58:03 GMT -5
I'm going to err on the side of believing those coming here for support, there is no need to doubt their stories. This is the kind of thing lostsoul was talking about. Agree with you 100% @ihadalove.
Snark = not helpful, possibly even damaging
Support = a necessity for SM survivors and, I might add, the purpose of this forum
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 27, 2018 23:06:18 GMT -5
I'm going to err on the side of believing those coming here for support, there is no need to doubt their stories. This is the kind of thing lostsoul was talking about. Agree with you 100% @ihadalove.
Snark = not helpful, possibly even damaging
Support = a necessity for SM survivors and, I might add, the purpose of this forum
Ditto.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 0:15:04 GMT -5
solodriver , you are a good, kind man. You do not deserve this nasty treatment from your wife. Please don't give her any more power. In other words, do NOT let her define who you are and how you feel about yourself. Consider the source of the nasty commentary and understand that she is only projecting her ugly spirit and self-hatred onto you. That's right, often our refusers are hateful towards us because they hate themselves. Her comments have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Just don't let her make YOU hate yourself. Positive affirmations are in order. And, yes, an escape plan! I love a good exit plan. I will honestly say that as my plan has come to fruition now, I am truly living my dreams. (Although I could do without the heartbreak.) Hugs Ellie,
Thank you so much.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 0:17:53 GMT -5
Agree with you 100% @ihadalove.
Snark = not helpful, possibly even damaging
Support = a necessity for SM survivors and, I might add, the purpose of this forum
Ditto. Thanks and hugs to catsloveme, elle, and Ihadalove.
Afraid it's time for another cool washcloth for my face from the tears.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 1:21:04 GMT -5
I've been trying to figure out why in the hell this has been so much more hurtful and painful than any other insult she has thrown at me over the past few years, both public and private, and I think I just figured it out.
Because it happened when I was at my most vulnerable. Being naked.
For me, the most scary part of a new lover is the moment my clothes start coming off. Because I don't know what her reaction to seeing me naked will be? Will she accept, will she reject, will I be sexy enough or will she be turned off and end what we just started and never want to see me again? It is by far the most scary and vulnerable moment in a new relationship, next to the first kiss. I remember shaking every time I've been at that moment, whether encouraged verbally to do that or initiated by my lover.
And what basically happened to me on Saturday was that comment by my wife told me my naked body, which she accepted 30 years ago, was no longer acceptable to her and used an insult "Creeped her out" to do the damage when I was at my most vulnerable that any human can be with another human.
I think that's why it has hurt me so bad and done a real number on me.
And as I shared in another post here, no matter how bad our relationship would be, I would NEVER say something so terrible, especially at their most vulnerable moment.
It definitely has destroyed any remaining relationship between us. Because I'm going to remind her, if she asks anything, that "No I don't want to do (whatever) because I creep you out".
And it will drive me forward to the divorce. I don't think she will ever be able to do anything that will hurt me as bad as this did.
Game over - she wins.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 1:42:11 GMT -5
One more thought I will add.
I think the reason that I've been so touched by your support and caring comments is because you all have "accepted" me as a member of this group (as I have each of you) even though you have never met me or seen me. By sharing with you, I made myself somewhat vulnerable to each of you (and others who are not members).
Again, hugs and thanks for being there with your support and encouragement for me as I've gone through this.
I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like to deal with this with no support from anywhere.
Though I'm unable to do so right now, a huge THANK YOU to those who contribute financially to keep the lights on here. It is money very well spent, because I believe this board can literally save peoples lives when they are at their most vulnerable.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 28, 2018 2:39:40 GMT -5
Ihadalove said “'m going to err on the side of believing those coming here for support, there is no need to doubt their stories. This is the kind of thing lostsoul was talking about.”
Sometimes people do things and don’t admit even to themselves their own motives. Sometimes people have a hard time acknowledging the truth of their marriages including that at best, their marriage has turned into a situation in which their spouse is a roommate who stays only for the cheap rent and other conveniences.
He is welcome to take the advice he feels fits and to leave the rest. I believe everyone who takes the time to respond to a post is doing their best to help. He has gotten a helluva lot of empathy here including from me.
As for lostsoul, he seemed to want praise for vowing to stay in a miserable marriage no matter what. No one tried to get him to leave. Still, he didn’t get here what he wanted so he took his balls and went home. It was interesting that according to him, his wife was frequently verbally abusive and ignored his concerns yet he stays with her and takes pride in meeting her meanness with kindness. Yet people here offered empathy and acknowledged his pain and he left. However people word things here, they are likely more compassionate about one’s sm than one’s spouse is.
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Post by wom360 on Aug 28, 2018 8:59:38 GMT -5
To me, holding up a mirror and helping someone see what’s actually happening is what true support looks like. It’s not about being a cheerleader.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 28, 2018 9:18:42 GMT -5
Agreed. Sometimes there are uncomfortable truth bombs dropped here. They make me examine myself and my situation anew. Sometimes they are not correct - obviously there is more to every situation than we can convey here. Often they make me face things I would prefer to avoid.
I think a combo of empathy and pushing/challenging is what makes this group great.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 28, 2018 9:27:27 GMT -5
“It definitely has destroyed any remaining relationship between us. Because I'm going to remind her, if she asks anything, that "No I don't want to do (whatever) because I creep you out".
And it will drive me forward to the divorce. I don't think she will ever be able to do anything that will hurt me as bad as this did.
Game over - she wins.”
No, you will win by letting go of a marriage that is not what you want. By admitting the truth of the marriage and planning to divorce, you are taking steps to make yourself available for the type of love you want. It was your choosing to be blind to the truth of your marriage that made you a loser stuck with a woman who disparaged and rejected you.. Now you are taking steps to win the life you want. Having the courage to be naked and vulnerable in front of your wife is setting you free. You recognized your wife’s true colors and you are choosing to move on.
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 28, 2018 9:44:23 GMT -5
Today I'm trying to create a new picture of a future Christmas day. All I want for Christmas now is to be with someone whom I can share love and romance with. I would spend the day with giving her beautiful flowers, going shopping with her to find a dress and/or nightwear she would like (before Christmas) and treating her to a candlelight Christmas dinner, followed by day and night of romantic, passionate, fun-filled lovemaking at a very nice hotel, enjoying each others bodies, looks, smiles, kisses, tastes and smells over and over again. I don't want anything for myself, just to be able to provide that experience would be present enough for me. My friend, there are hundreds of women who have been dating asshole men who would absolutely melt at the thought that a man would want to give them this experience. I didn't know it until I was separated, but men like you are very rare indeed. What you don't understand is that those same women will want to give you a wonderful experience as well.
Kimmie has told me that when she shows pictures of me to other single women, they say, "How in the world did you find him?" Most single women over 40 find it very difficult to find a man who treats her like a lady.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 28, 2018 11:58:33 GMT -5
Just like it's unlikely that he just wanted to snuggle in the above example, it's unlikely that the laundry situation was his only reason for walking naked into his refuser wife's room. I have been thinking about this a little bit the past day or so, and my two cents is this: it's your house too solodriver. You can be naked where ever you need to be naked. She has no more ownership over the space than you do. If I were you, I'd walk around naked all the time to make her uncomfortable (sorry, I'm feeling snarky today myself). I say do everything in your birthday suit. Eat breakfast, sit on the couch, hell, dance in the kitchen naked. Maybe she'll do you a favor and move the fuck out.
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Post by wom360 on Aug 28, 2018 16:32:22 GMT -5
Just like it's unlikely that he just wanted to snuggle in the above example, it's unlikely that the laundry situation was his only reason for walking naked into his refuser wife's room. I have been thinking about this a little bit the past day or so, and my two cents is this: it's your house too solodriver. You can be naked where ever you need to be naked. She has no more ownership over the space than you do. If I were you, I'd walk around naked all the time to make her uncomfortable (sorry, I'm feeling snarky today myself). I say do everything in your birthday suit. Eat breakfast, sit on the couch, hell, dance in the kitchen naked. Maybe she'll do you a favor and move the fuck out. I’m kind of a fan of this line of thinking. It’s the opposite of passive aggressive. It’s aggressive aggressive. When we were sexless she caught me taking care of business myself and got really angry and offended. I wasn’t going to take that so I started leaving the door open and lube on the counter. I figured put the issue out there in her face. Bottom line, she was mad about it in the first place because she felt bad and knew she was wrong.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 28, 2018 16:45:34 GMT -5
"I’m kind of a fan of this line of thinking. It’s the opposite of passive aggressive. It’s aggressive aggressive. When we were sexless she caught me taking care of business myself and got really angry and offended.
I wasn’t going to take that so I started leaving the door open and lube on the counter. I figured put the issue out there in her face. Bottom line, she was mad about it in the first place because she felt bad and knew she was wrong."
Good move. I've been surprised at how many here say they stopped masturbating because it made their refuser angry. There was no reason for the refused to be ashamed. Nothing wrong with masturbating especially when you have a spouse who refuses sex.
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 28, 2018 18:33:41 GMT -5
solodriver, I have read every reply to this thread. A ton of good support even if it challenged your view of the issue. You have expressed your heartache and your sensitivity to your wife's inherent bitchyness. It is good that you worked through that stage. Now it is time to go full on Warrior Mode. Take no shit from her ever again. If she attacks you, belittles you, insults you or degrades you in any manner or place jump straight into her shit. Defend yourself vigorously even if it embarrasses her in front of her friends. Do not pretend everything is fine. It fucking is not. As others mentioned what is the worst she can do? File for divorce? Score for you. Yes walk around naked in your house whenever you feel like it. In fact put some swagger into your walk when she looks, make your junk schwing. There is one caveat, do not enter her bedroom naked, in fact do not enter her bedroom without an invite. It is her sanctuary, her rules. But the same applies to your bedroom, you can apply the rule she must not enter unless she is naked. Fuck her. Get that legal advise ASAP. Paying down your debts may not be the best option. In many jurisdictions she will be on the hook for half of the debt. If you pay it off her obligation is zero. Your choice but get the advise to make an informed choice.
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