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Post by solodriver on Aug 27, 2018 3:41:33 GMT -5
solodriver said:"But I didn't really think it was inappropriate to go into what used to be a shared bedroom naked because I thought she would never make such a mean and disrespectful statement since she didn't put my underwear away. " Recently you posted that it has been almost 7,000 days since you and your wife had sex. You and she sleep in separate bedrooms. You've posted that when you go out, she disparages you in front of others. You've also posted that when you recently got into bed with her to watch TV, she moved away from you and told you not to touch her. Seems that at best you are living with a snarky roommate. Other than having a shared house and perhaps bank accounts, there doesn't seem to be much of a marriage. Sure, you may be legally married, but there doesn't seem to be any real evidence that your wife would welcome or even be just indifferent to your naked presence in her room. Given the way you've described her behavior, her comment to you seems in character. There is absolutely no evidence from what you've written that she treats you with the courtesy that you treat her. You are correct my friend.
I do deserve so much better from a relationship.
I am resolved to leave this marriage.
The only thing that gets me through each day is my hope for the future as others have shared with me (including yourself).
This situation that happened Saturday did hurt me. I've been sad about it and it's been hard for me to absorb.
But like I titled this thread. ( I hope) it will be the last time I put myself in a situation for her to insult or hurt me like that.
But I will never (I hope) say such nasty things to her. I hope I'm a better person than that. But I will state the facts of the situation just have you have done with me, when the time comes.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 27, 2018 8:33:40 GMT -5
“I hope I’m a better person than that.” You are. I think northstarmom was on the money when she said that the creepy comment was in reference to having someone you view as a platonic roommate be in the room with you unexpectedly naked, rather than it specifically being about you or your body. The situation feeling creepy to her, not the person. Regardless, it is a shit thing to say. And you have every right to say: “do you have any idea how much that comment hurt me?” She obviously knows it was mean based on how she was acting afterwards. You don’t have to let her off the hook. You can let her know that that was a cruel thing to say and that it is not okay and that you deserve an apology. No one should treat their spouse the way it sounds like she has been treating you solodriver. And she will continue to treat you that way as long as you continue to let her.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 9:43:06 GMT -5
“Regardless, it is a shit thing to say. And you have every right to say: “do you have any idea how much that comment hurt me?” She obviously knows it was mean based on how she was acting afterwards. You don’t have to let her off the hook. You can let her know that that was a cruel thing to say and that it is not okay and that you deserve an apology. No one should treat their spouse the way it sounds like she has been treating you solodriver. And she will continue to treat you that way as long as you continue to let her. This is a terrifically important point. I spent most of my marriage cowering from my Type A personality wife, in fear of her blowing up at me or saying something hurtful. I didn't lie but I didn't tell her how I felt, because it seemed pointless. Now I am no longer cowering and I tell her anything that bothers me. She knows that my threat to divorce was not a bluff. And (for these and other reasons) she respects me now. But whether or not she responds appropriately, you should tell her that it was unacceptable and hurtful. It is a step towards becoming you again, which will have to happen no matter what.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 27, 2018 10:23:15 GMT -5
“Regardless, it is a shit thing to say. And you have every right to say: “do you have any idea how much that comment hurt me?” She obviously knows it was mean based on how she was acting afterwards. You don’t have to let her off the hook. You can let her know that that was a cruel thing to say and that it is not okay and that you deserve an apology. No one should treat their spouse the way it sounds like she has been treating you solodriver . And she will continue to treat you that way as long as you continue to let her. This is a terrifically important point. I spent most of my marriage cowering from my Type A personality wife, in fear of her blowing up at me or saying something hurtful. I didn't lie but I didn't tell her how I felt, because it seemed pointless. Now I am no longer cowering and I tell her anything that bothers me. She knows that my threat to divorce was not a bluff. And (for these and other reasons) she respects me now. But whether or not she responds appropriately, you should tell her that it was unacceptable and hurtful. It is a step towards becoming you again, which will have to happen no matter what. Isn't that all a part of setting boundaries? The more challenging part is enforcing those boundaries by having consequences, and taking action. That can wear you down while a controller loves that stuff and feeds off of it! She knows you have never set boundaries and she thrives off of it. Oddly enough some people will suck so much of the life out of you that they begin to now see you as week ,and meaningless. She may very well have her eyes on a new victim. Their comes a point ( a point that you have reached) when you are far better to just drop the rope in the tug of war and let the other side fall on their arse. Detach yourself and avoid her as much as possible. Start doing your own laundry, folding and putting away your own clothes, separate yours from hers and leave hers behind. Be gone from the house more and more, let the lawn grow, or tell her do the yardwork for once . If you struggle to much with confronting her with words, text her, send her an email. ( it's also recorded and all usable as evidence in your favor) She wants to treat you like you are worthless and don't exist? Than exist for yourself. Their are others who will appreciate you.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 27, 2018 12:20:23 GMT -5
I agree that you have to set boundaries. The suggestions posted about detaching yourself from her have been excellent. Detaching also should include detaching your social life from her. If, however, you choose to keep socializing with her, you need to call her on her shit when she disparages you in front of other people. If she makes a mean joke about you don’t just sit there passively. Say, "That was rude” or, “That was unkind.” Speak up for yourself in that way. Others will be on your side. Unless you socialize with cruel people who enjoy others’ humiliation, the people you are around do not enjoy her mean comments either. If they laugh, it’s out of nervousness, not hilarity. Kind people do not enjoy being around people who make mean fun of their spouses.
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 27, 2018 16:47:47 GMT -5
She told me, her husband of 30 years, "Your naked butt is creeping me out!" I felt like I had just been kicked in my balls. I turned around to face her and said "EXCUSE ME?"
She said "Please hurry up and get out of here!"
I stood in front of her with my naked body in her face for about 30 more seconds and then I turned back to the clothes basket, found my underwear and left. I really didn't think that any women were as evil as my nightmare bitch from hell, but yours is just as bad.
My friend, I don't think there is any reason to wait. She is a horrible person, and you should not waste any time getting away from her. This is totally unacceptable.
I am rarely this emphatic, but I assure you that there are many many women who would absolutely adore a man like you, love your body, and want to fuck you. You don't have to live with abuse.
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 27, 2018 16:57:47 GMT -5
But I will never (I hope) say such nasty things to her. I hope I'm a better person than that. But I will state the facts of the situation just have you have done with me, when the time comes. My friend, when the time comes, I hope you don't talk to her at all. Someone like this thrives on conflict and insults. Engaging with a person like this is not productive at all. When you hire a lawyer, let him/her deal with her.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 27, 2018 18:06:05 GMT -5
But I will never (I hope) say such nasty things to her. I hope I'm a better person than that. But I will state the facts of the situation just have you have done with me, when the time comes. My friend, when the time comes, I hope you don't talk to her at all. Someone like this thrives on conflict and insults. Engaging with a person like this is not productive at all. When you hire a lawyer, let him/her deal with her. Absofuckingloutly agree.
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Post by ihadalove on Aug 27, 2018 18:11:11 GMT -5
Is she the breadwinner? If so you could be getting alimony, so seeing a lawyer soon would make sense.
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Post by ihadalove on Aug 27, 2018 18:13:49 GMT -5
solodriver said: "But it really was a stupid thing to do and I guess I got what I deserved." No, you didn't deserve to be treated cruelly. And what you did wasn't stupid. You probably were testing to find out more about the sexual boundaries in your marriage. And what you learned was the painful fact that your wife responds to you as if you were a mere roommate who was at best an acquaintance. Most women would find it creepy if a male platonic roommate came into their room naked. "Creepy" wouldn't be a comment about the attractiveness or unattractiveness of the roommate's body, but "creepy" would refer to being confronted with the nakedness of a man one wasn't sexually involved with. For instance, I was creeped out when I went to check out an apartment that I'd be moving into, and the current resident answered door just wearing his briefs. I was creeped out by his briefs. He keeps saying he wasn't testing and you keep insisting he was, what gives? Sometimes looking for underwear is just looking for underwear.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 27, 2018 18:47:54 GMT -5
ihadalove" "He keeps saying he wasn't testing and you keep insisting he was, what gives? Sometimes looking for underwear is just looking for underwear."
Sure, he'd just happen to stroll naked into the bedroom of the wife who has refused him for about 7,000 days.... All he wanted was his underwear and he couldn't be bothered to cover himself with a towel.
This is the same guy who a few weeks ago said that while dressed in boxers, he got into his wife's bed, tried to snuggle with her only because he wanted to "watch Tv." When she told him not to touch her, he left the bedroom.
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Post by flounder on Aug 27, 2018 20:38:19 GMT -5
Maybe he should have worn a towel. Doesn’t matter now. What matters is he needs to get out from under this cruel woman. What if he walked into her room fully clothed and she was naked ? I bet her reaction would be similar. She would want him to leave.
Whether it was a test or not,her reaction tells me all I need to know. She doesn’t see him equally. She belittles him publicly? This woman is abusive.
I’m sorry you had to hear that from her Solodriver. No one deserves that crap. Especially from someone who’s supposed to “cherish you so long as you both shall live “
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Post by ihadalove on Aug 27, 2018 20:55:24 GMT -5
ihadalove" "He keeps saying he wasn't testing and you keep insisting he was, what gives? Sometimes looking for underwear is just looking for underwear." Sure, he'd just happen to stroll naked into the bedroom of the wife who has refused him for about 7,000 days.... All he wanted was his underwear and he couldn't be bothered to cover himself with a towel. This is the same guy who a few weeks ago said that while dressed in boxers, he got into his wife's bed, tried to snuggle with her only because he wanted to "watch Tv." When she told him not to touch her, he left the bedroom. I'm going to err on the side of believing those coming here for support, there is no need to doubt their stories. This is the kind of thing lostsoul was talking about.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 22:53:07 GMT -5
solodriver, you are a good, kind man. You do not deserve this nasty treatment from your wife. Please don't give her any more power. In other words, do NOT let her define who you are and how you feel about yourself. Consider the source of the nasty commentary and understand that she is only projecting her ugly spirit and self-hatred onto you. That's right, often our refusers are hateful towards us because they hate themselves. Her comments have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Just don't let her make YOU hate yourself. Positive affirmations are in order. And, yes, an escape plan! I love a good exit plan. I will honestly say that as my plan has come to fruition now, I am truly living my dreams. (Although I could do without the heartbreak.)
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Post by solodriver on Aug 27, 2018 22:56:10 GMT -5
This incident has made me feel very hurt and very broken. I've been playing over in my mind and trying to figure out what happened between us to take her from the fiery, passionate lover she was when I met her, who helped me find, encourage and express my passion during lovemaking without bounds during that lovemaking and the "Don't touch me" and feeling "creeped out" by being naked in her presence.
I've shed many tears the past few days as I, again, am grieving the death of this relationship and marriage.
Today I'm trying to create a new picture of a future Christmas day. All I want for Christmas now is to be with someone whom I can share love and romance with. I would spend the day with giving her beautiful flowers, going shopping with her to find a dress and/or nightwear she would like (before Christmas) and treating her to a candlelight Christmas dinner, followed by day and night of romantic, passionate, fun-filled lovemaking at a very nice hotel, enjoying each others bodies, looks, smiles, kisses, tastes and smells over and over again. I don't want anything for myself, just to be able to provide that experience would be present enough for me.
The two things I know I need to do is:
a. getting my financials in order enough to be able to provide that experience and b. getting my divorce underway so I will be free to have that experience (and hopefully many more such experiences with a wonderful woman)
This image I'm creating is helping me to put what happened Saturday behind me and pushing on towards my future Christmas wish.
A lot of you have helped me with this because of your encouraging words about body image and how I will be okay just as I am for a new lover, wherever she may be.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words for me.
I'm still working to get past this. But I guess it's a step in the process on the path that we've all have walked or are walking on.
I hope sharing this story of what happened to me and your responses will be of benefit to a current or future member who may find him/her self in a similar situation.
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