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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 26, 2018 22:42:22 GMT -5
Just offering hugs solodriver. I understand what a punch in the gut this must have felt like, as I had one of those myself before I left my SM. I can absolutely empathize with how you are feeling right now and it’s shitty. I’m so sorry. I hope that in time you will truly realize that this incident says infinitely more about her than it does about you. It’s cruel, plain and simple. And it’s not the first time she’s been cruel to you (e.g. telling you on Father’s Day that you’re not a father). I hope you can get away from this horrible woman quicker than you think. You deserve so much better.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:42:23 GMT -5
Have you talked to your boss about adjusting your schedule? Giving you some overtime? Divorce is more and more common, it's also going to affect your work hours eventually. I am glad I was unemployed during all of my divorce. The paperwork, visits to the bank,hours digging up bank records, hours spent on the computer, going through household files, and all the emails and attorney visits are time consuming. I was fortunate to have the time available. The time to announce "divorce" may be sooner than you want.,so you can speak with attorneys and close accounts and credit cards. tell her the truth, where you went and why, let her look at your pay all she wants, it's all going to be part of the divorce process,and all for your own self improvement! Unfortunately, I'm just a temp employee right now. Hoping they will bring me on permanently before the end of the year. As such I can't have any overtime right now.
And that situation is another reason I can't divorce yet. I need to make my job situation stable so I can keep bringing in income.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 22:42:58 GMT -5
wom said: 'I’m having a hard time understanding why you (passive aggressively) went into her room naked without even a towel when you certainly knew she hadn’t seen you that way in 5 years. Wasn’t this reaction pretty predictable?'' Good point. Once my husband and I had been not having sex while sleeping in separate rooms for a couple of years, I also would have been creeped out if he had come naked into my room. It would have felt like a brother or roommate did that. Yes and no. If you've lived in a SM a couple can remain "unmoved" and very detached from each other, even when naked together in the bathroom or the bedroom. The silent ,constantly looking down or away avoidance, gives one spouse control over the other. My ex mastered the art of getting dressed in 30 seconds. I reached the point of also being detached where I could care less. However there were no derogatory ,cutting, cruel remarks about each others bodies. At least some respect remained.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:45:21 GMT -5
The lawyer advice is pivotal Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo - even if you have to spin a line of bullshit to "hide" the fact. Here's why - It may be that paying down debt is NOT the smartest move you could make. It may turn out that a better time to act would be now, or perhaps in summer 2020 rather than summer 2019 It may be that in your jurisdiction custody matters or required length of separation work in your favour (or against you). Many things you need to know, and the best time to gain that knowledge is "as soon as possible" so you can adjust your exit strategy accordingly. Thanks Baza, Points I will be balancing in my mind.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:48:08 GMT -5
Just offering hugs solodriver . I understand what a punch in the gut this must have felt like, as I had one of those myself before I left my SM. I can absolutely empathize with how you are feeling right now and it’s shitty. I’m so sorry. I hope that in time you will truly realize that this incident says infinitely more about her than it does about you. It’s cruel, plain and simple. And it’s not the first time she’s been cruel to you (e.g. telling you on Father’s Day that you’re not a father). I hope you can get away from this horrible woman quicker than you think. You deserve so much better. Thanks choosinghappy,
I guess it's like the 1960s DJs who said
"And the hits just keep on coming!"
But not for too much longer. I'm going to do all I can to not allow her another chance to "hit" me again.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 26, 2018 22:49:48 GMT -5
I’m having a hard time understanding why you (passive aggressively) went into her room naked without even a towel when you certainly knew she hadn’t seen you that way in 5 years. Wasn’t this reaction pretty predictable? Well maybe it should have been, but it wasn't the first thought because I had thought in my own home with my wife, that wouldn't have been an issue.
I guess in a normal marriage it wouldn't be. I guess I just forgot where I was, lol.
We're just roommates and as such I shouldn't have done that.
You're right about that.
But it won't ever happen again, that's for damn sure.
No. Don’t accept any blame for this situation. You have a right to be naked in your own home whether your wife is there or not. Just because she is sexually immature/dysfunctional/stunted/whatever does not mean there is anything wrong with YOU. There was nothing passive aggressive about going to look for clean underwear that never made it to your room. She’s got issues and they sure as shit aren’t because of you and your body. I hope when you move on from this heartless, senseless, tactless, selfish person you will meet a wonderful woman who cherishes everything about you, including each “imperfection”. It’s what makes you, you. Your wife no longer loves your imperfections (if she ever did). There is someone out there for you who will. ((Hugs))
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:55:20 GMT -5
Well maybe it should have been, but it wasn't the first thought because I had thought in my own home with my wife, that wouldn't have been an issue.
I guess in a normal marriage it wouldn't be. I guess I just forgot where I was, lol.
We're just roommates and as such I shouldn't have done that.
You're right about that.
But it won't ever happen again, that's for damn sure.
No. Don’t accept any blame for this situation. You have a right to be naked in your own home whether your wife is there or not. Just because she is sexually immature/dysfunctional/stunted/whatever does not mean there is anything wrong with YOU. There was nothing passive aggressive about going to look for clean underwear that never made it to your room. She’s got issues and they sure as shit aren’t because of you and your body. I hope when you move on from this heartless, senseless, tactless, selfish person you will meet a wonderful woman who cherishes everything about you, including each “imperfection”. It’s what makes you, you. Your wife no longer loves your imperfections (if she ever did). There is someone out there for you who will. ((Hugs)) Thank you choosinghappy, it was what I initially thought.
Hugs, with tears.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 22:55:50 GMT -5
In light of the following June post by solodriver, I think that there's a good chance that when he walked naked into his wife's room, it was another experiment to find out how much she cared about him:
"Tonight I decided to try the experiment with my wife that lonelywifey tried with her husband. My results were not surprising, but it hurt just the same.
While my wife was watching TV in the bedroom, I came in and stripped down to my boxers. She didn't say anything as I was standing there, so after a few minutes I got into the bed. After some chitchat about the TV show, and since my back was against the wall and she had ALL the pillows behind her, I scooted over next to her to try and snuggle. She immediately pulled away and asked "What are you doing?" I said I wanted to watch TV with her since we don't do that anymore and I thought it would be nice to snuggle. She said "Don't" and pulled further away. So at the next commercial break I said "Thank You" and got up and left the room.
It is now obvious that our marriage has disintegrated. There is nothing left.
I'm making my plans and living my life now accordingly."
Just like it's unlikely that he just wanted to snuggle in the above example, it's unlikely that the laundry situation was his only reason for walking naked into his refuser wife's room.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 23:09:42 GMT -5
I really wasn't thinking about anything but getting my underwear.
But it really was a stupid thing to do and I guess I got what I deserved.
But it will never happen again.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 23:19:41 GMT -5
solodriver said: "But it really was a stupid thing to do and I guess I got what I deserved."
No, you didn't deserve to be treated cruelly. And what you did wasn't stupid. You probably were testing to find out more about the sexual boundaries in your marriage. And what you learned was the painful fact that your wife responds to you as if you were a mere roommate who was at best an acquaintance. Most women would find it creepy if a male platonic roommate came into their room naked. "Creepy" wouldn't be a comment about the attractiveness or unattractiveness of the roommate's body, but "creepy" would refer to being confronted with the nakedness of a man one wasn't sexually involved with.
For instance, I was creeped out when I went to check out an apartment that I'd be moving into, and the current resident answered door just wearing his briefs. I was creeped out by his briefs.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 26, 2018 23:30:19 GMT -5
Solodriver, have you ever talked to a lawyer to find out how a divorce would shake out? Maybe you don't need to reduce your debt to divorce. Often the first visit to a lawyer, the consultantion is free.... Not yet, but I have researched which ones will provide the free 30 minute consultation. One of the problems I have for now is that I have to take time off from work to go to the consultation, which will be noticed in my paycheck which I get paid hourly. She is such a control freak, if I say I went to the Drs, she'll want to know which one so she will be looking for the bill for it.
I don't want to tip my hand to her about my filing for divorce. She is currently working hard to help pay off some of our debts and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If she thinks I'm going to leave she will quit working and that would make the financial situation worse. That's why I'm holding out until next summer.
We've agreed any money we save will be used to pay down the next credit car/bill until we can get them all paid down/off.
But after yesterday, I'm going to start the divorce process next summer no matter what. Hopefully she won't do something stupid. But I know I have no control over that if she does. But I'm hoping our finances will be in the black, not the red, like they are right now.
We've agreed on a few things. No more money on credit cards unless we consult each other first. Credit cards will only be used for emergencies or absolute repairs or maintenance on cars or house.
We will not be spending any money for Christmas this year. All money will be put towards payment of debts. That's our present to each other this year.
When I do go to see the attorney, I want to be able to put all of our income/expenses on one sheet to save time for the attorney to review. Having less debts will make that possible. Right now it's about 2 pages long.
I wonder if your initial consultation with the lawyer could be via phone or Skype, given your work schedule. And if there is a list of debts or other information to go over with him/her perhaps it could be emailed... that way your time missing work would be minimal...
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 23:43:54 GMT -5
Not yet, but I have researched which ones will provide the free 30 minute consultation. One of the problems I have for now is that I have to take time off from work to go to the consultation, which will be noticed in my paycheck which I get paid hourly. She is such a control freak, if I say I went to the Drs, she'll want to know which one so she will be looking for the bill for it.
I don't want to tip my hand to her about my filing for divorce. She is currently working hard to help pay off some of our debts and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If she thinks I'm going to leave she will quit working and that would make the financial situation worse. That's why I'm holding out until next summer.
We've agreed any money we save will be used to pay down the next credit car/bill until we can get them all paid down/off.
But after yesterday, I'm going to start the divorce process next summer no matter what. Hopefully she won't do something stupid. But I know I have no control over that if she does. But I'm hoping our finances will be in the black, not the red, like they are right now.
We've agreed on a few things. No more money on credit cards unless we consult each other first. Credit cards will only be used for emergencies or absolute repairs or maintenance on cars or house.
We will not be spending any money for Christmas this year. All money will be put towards payment of debts. That's our present to each other this year.
When I do go to see the attorney, I want to be able to put all of our income/expenses on one sheet to save time for the attorney to review. Having less debts will make that possible. Right now it's about 2 pages long.
I wonder if your initial consultation with the lawyer could be via phone or Skype, given your work schedule. And if there is a list of debts or other information to go over with him/her perhaps it could be emailed... that way your time missing work would be minimal... Great idea . I will check into that. Very cool. Thanks for the idea!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 27, 2018 0:13:54 GMT -5
I wrote this awhile back. An impromptu checklist if you will that one might go through to see if the relationship is salvageable. One of the things I listed is how would you feel being naked in front of your spouse. I think its a telltale sign.
FWIW...previously posted checklist down below
" It would be helpful if a set of tests could be developed to help one understand if the relationship is salvageable or not. I suppose this is where a therapist would come in. But perhaps there might also be a checklist that one could use to gauge. It might look something like this:
- Do I sleep in the same bed with this person? If not, will I sleep in the same bed with this person in the foreseeable future? What would trigger that change? - Do I respect this person? Does this person respect me? - Am I attracted to this person? Are they attracted to me? - How do I feel when they walk in the room? - How do I feel when I see this person naked? - How do I feel if this person were to see me naked? - How do I feel when this person touches me? Kisses me? - How would I feel if I am still sexless in 1 year? 5 years? Is this something I can accept and live with? - Do I still initiate sex? How do I feel about the rejection - Does the refuser initiate sex? Under what conditions? Is this sex fulfilling?"
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Post by solodriver on Aug 27, 2018 0:41:17 GMT -5
solodriver said: "But it really was a stupid thing to do and I guess I got what I deserved." No, you didn't deserve to be treated cruelly. And what you did wasn't stupid. You probably were testing to find out more about the sexual boundaries in your marriage. And what you learned was the painful fact that your wife responds to you as if you were a mere roommate who was at best an acquaintance. Most women would find it creepy if a male platonic roommate came into their room naked. "Creepy" wouldn't be a comment about the attractiveness or unattractiveness of the roommate's body, but "creepy" would refer to being confronted with the nakedness of a man one wasn't sexually involved with. For instance, I was creeped out when I went to check out an apartment that I'd be moving into, and the current resident answered door just wearing his briefs. I was creeped out by his briefs. Well I would never answer a door in my briefs because it would be inappropriate. But I didn't really think it was inappropriate to go into what used to be a shared bedroom naked because I thought she would never make such a mean and disrespectful statement since she didn't put my underwear away. Or better yet, she could have warned me that the underwear hadn't been put away since I said in passing "I feel icky and need to take a shower" and I would have done that BEFORE getting into the shower. It was never my intention to "test" anything as far as the status of the relationship. I already know what the status of that is.
I will be working harder to never give her another chance to insult me again. But the fact was it hurt me deeply because I never would have guessed that I would "creep" her out. The comment just caught me completely by surprise and it hurt very deeply.
I knew things were bad between us. But if the situation had been reversed, I would never say such a thing, especially since I was the one who would have created the situation by not having finished the task of putting the clothes away.
I really wasn't trying to "create a moment" or "test" with her.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 27, 2018 0:59:34 GMT -5
solodriver said:"But I didn't really think it was inappropriate to go into what used to be a shared bedroom naked because I thought she would never make such a mean and disrespectful statement since she didn't put my underwear away. "
Recently you posted that it has been almost 7,000 days since you and your wife had sex. You and she sleep in separate bedrooms. You've posted that when you go out, she disparages you in front of others. You've also posted that when you recently got into bed with her to watch TV, she moved away from you and told you not to touch her.
Seems that at best you are living with a snarky roommate. Other than having a shared house and perhaps bank accounts, there doesn't seem to be much of a marriage. Sure, you may be legally married, but there doesn't seem to be any real evidence that your wife would welcome or even be just indifferent to your naked presence in her room. Given the way you've described her behavior, her comment to you seems in character. There is absolutely no evidence from what you've written that she treats you with the courtesy that you treat her.
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