|
Post by nyartgal on Aug 26, 2018 10:36:25 GMT -5
You are not creepy. SHE is a creep. Someone who picks on people and makes them feel bad because of HER insecurity and inability to face her own feelings is a creep.
It is the goal of many a refuser (not all, but MANY) to convince the refused that he/she is UNFUCKABLE. For them it’s the perfect outcome, as the refused will then stop trying because he/she assumes no one would ever want them anyway.
Creepy, fat, ugly, bad in bed, boring, needy, selfish, demanding, pathetic, the list of names we have been called is endless. None of it is anything besides pure projection—what they hate in themselves is what they accuse us of being. It is a reflection of their inner misery, not you.
The good news is that once you move on and meet someone who destroys this narrative, someone who finds you sexy and irresistible, the names you were called lose meaning and pain. 6 years after ending my SM, it all just makes me laugh at the absurdity. It’s sad, of course, but I don’t feel sad anymore. I see the Matrix of the past and I’m not in it. I barely ever even think about that stuff, and when I do it’s in the “thank fucking god I left” mode.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 10:41:16 GMT -5
Hope is taking ground by being disgusted with our situation! Sick of being sick! Don't be disgusted with yourself in your marriage, be disgusted with the situation!
Have HOPE that change is coming and that you are going to make it happen!
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 13:09:30 GMT -5
solodriver said: "But it still going to be in the back of my mind if/when I meet a woman who wants to be intimate with me. I will feel very vulnerable and nervous. But I know I'm willing to risk it if I find someone who is that interested in me. I know I won't ever look like I did 30 years ago, but hopefully with some work I will still have some sex appeal left, lol."
You don't have to work to have sex appeal. You just need to be with the right woman! Obviously, right now, you are not with the right woman.
One does not have to look perfect to find someone who loves you and loves fucking you. Indeed, there are many handsome/gorgeous people who are cheated on when their mates decide to fuck someone who isn't as good looking. Just look at all of the beautiful/handsome celebrities who are cheated on.
If you look at people in your life whom you know are having sex, I'm sure that some have scars, excess weight, lumps and bumps, etc. But they still are loved and lusted after. I know a man who literally shot off the bottom of his face in a suicide attempt. He typically wears a surgical mask in public. He has to eat through a tube in his neck. Yet, he has a girlfriend. She even happily posted a picture on FB of her and he holding hands and he even has his surgical mask off.
The right woman will find you desirable the way you are. My guy is overweight, has a surgical scar on his abdomen and one on his back. One of his legs is thinner than the other. I look at him and I see the man I love and I lust after. I compliment him on his many hairy chest, broad shoulders and beautiful cock.
I have a vertical c-section scar and I am missing top joints on three fingers. My lover tells me he loves stroking my soft skin and nibbling my size B breasts, which he says are perfect. His eyes light up when I take my clothes off.
In an earlier post, I told you how I moved into a separate bedroom after my now ex walked into our bedroom, saw me changing, said, "Excuse me" and walked out. That was devastating to me.
Two things helped me feel worthy of love and lust again. One was lovingkindness meditation, "May I be happy, peaceful, well. May I love myself just as I am." In the whole meditation, one starts by saying for yourself, then a loved one, then an acquaintance then a difficult person. But, one of my teachers said that so many people in the West don't know how to love themselves, so she said that westeners should do it only for themselves for a year.
The other thing that helped me was when I masturbated imagining that I was with a man who was passionately in love and lust with me.
That is how I learned to believe that I was worthy of love and lovemaking. That was how I was able to put the rejection of my SM behind me.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 16:53:21 GMT -5
I am so thankful for each and every one og you who has reached out to touch me with your kind words and thoughts. I'm feeling a little better now because of them. I will be re-reading each of these posts every day for the next several days and absorbing into my wounded heart your words. Kinda like putting medicine on my finger that had a chuck of skin taken off yesterday at the grocery store trying to get a cart. It was stuck. So a guy pushed the one behind it and the one I was pulling on got pushed over my finger and took a nice slice of skin right off it. It started bleeding and was a mess. Had to put pressure on it to stop the bleeding after a few minutes. Went out to my car and got a dressing and some first aid cream from my first aid kit and dressed it and went back to shopping. Since that happened not even an hour from my wife's rejection, I joked to myself "gee adding injury to insult". Again my stupid sense of humor came out. This morning that finger looks pretty gross but I'll continue to dress it every day and keep it covered until it heals. Thank god the damn cart wasn't made of metal like the old days. Probably would have had to get a tetanus shot. Also was really glad I always keep a fully stocked first aid kit in my trunk. After thinking of the similarities that happened with my wife's rejection and my finger, (neither of which I was prepared to have happen) and thanks to all of you for coming to my aid and providing emotional first aid for me, I will keep applying the words that you have shared with me into my wounded heart every day and try to help heal that injury that she did to me, like the injury that happened to my finger. Ironic that both injuries happened within an hour of each other yesterday. Maybe the injury to my finger was "allowed" to happen to give me something to focus on, so I could work on that injury and the injury to my heart caused by the very painful, personal wound that my wife did to my heart. Right now my heart and finger probably look about the same. and the pain in my finger only hurts when I rub it against something. I guess if I try not to focus so much on my wife's words, the pain in my heart won't hurt quite as much. Thank you so much for being my friends and reaching out with your hugs and support. Please know I will re-read these posts every day until I'm stronger. Please know how much I do care about all of you as well. I hope I can return the favor to each of you someday. Solodriver
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 26, 2018 19:13:11 GMT -5
solodriver I can see how this is hurtful and Im sorry you felt the way you did. My thoughts/advice below is clearly hindsight but maybe food for thought in the future 1. My first thought/impulse if that would have happened to me would have been "why you staring at my ass?" Unless you were waving it in her face, she should have kept her eyes and her thoughts to herself. 2. Wear a towel man! My wife will jump out of the shower and drop towel in front of me. I used to grope and cat call in good fun "back in the day". No longer. I dont raise an eye. But my reaction is, why is she dropping towel? She should just keep it on while she gets her stuff and gets dressed. Its almost like she is trying to provoke a reaction. Maybe your wife thought the same and verbalized in a non effective manner. 3. Get some control over the laundry situation if you can. Its a form of independence/breaking free 4. I know it hard but one of the things Im learning to help "cope" is not to take words and actions from W personally in times of tension. I know its hard, but I feel its necessary mental preparation inside SM relationships All the best
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Aug 26, 2018 20:52:14 GMT -5
Solodriver- I am totally at a loss for words! I cannot imagine anyone being so nasty and self-absorbed! Your butt may creep her out but I can guarantee that it won’t creep out any other woman you will be satisfying sexually in the future. Your wife does not deserve you. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my SM, looks aren’t nearly as important as the way a man treats a woman and satisfies her sexually. Don’t give her another thought and go about your plans to divorce her next year.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 21:05:03 GMT -5
solodriver I can see how this is hurtful and Im sorry you felt the way you did. My thoughts/advice below is clearly hindsight but maybe food for thought in the future 1. My first thought/impulse if that would have happened to me would have been "why you staring at my ass?" Unless you were waving it in her face, she should have kept her eyes and her thoughts to herself. 2. Wear a towel man! My wife will jump out of the shower and drop towel in front of me. I used to grope and cat call in good fun "back in the day". No longer. I dont raise an eye. But my reaction is, why is she dropping towel? She should just keep it on while she gets her stuff and gets dressed. Its almost like she is trying to provoke a reaction. Maybe your wife thought the same and verbalized in a non effective manner. 3. Get some control over the laundry situation if you can. Its a form of independence/breaking free 4. I know it hard but one of the things Im learning to help "cope" is not to take words and actions from W personally in times of tension. I know its hard, but I feel its necessary mental preparation inside SM relationships All the best Thank you deddeeo,
Believe me I will be doing that with her from now on.
Also I will never touch her again so I won't be accused of sexual harassment from her.
And I won't ever stare at her again so she won't accuse me of being a perv either.
Never, ever thought the person I married would think those things about me.
I am definitely going to be better off without her.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 21:15:18 GMT -5
Solodriver, have you ever talked to a lawyer to find out how a divorce would shake out? Maybe you don't need to reduce your debt to divorce. Often the first visit to a lawyer, the consultantion is free....
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 21:18:55 GMT -5
Solodriver- I am totally at a loss for words! I cannot imagine anyone being so nasty and self-absorbed! Your butt may creep her out but I can guarantee that it won’t creep out any other woman you will be satisfying sexually in the future. Your wife does not deserve you. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my SM, looks aren’t nearly as important as the way a man treats a woman and satisfies her sexually. Don’t give her another thought and go about your plans to divorce her next year. Thank you so much sadkat,
This whole thing just shocked and hurt me so much. I wasn't expecting the reaction that I got from her.
She is now going to be treated as a relative (sister or niece). I will not ever be inappropriately dressed around her and doors will be shut when I'm dressing, undressing or sleeping. And the bathroom door will be closed and locked when I'm in there.
She will never be able to accuse me of anything inappropriate for the remainder of the time we're in the same house together.
The next 10 months won't go fast enough.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 21:37:05 GMT -5
Solodriver, have you ever talked to a lawyer to find out how a divorce would shake out? Maybe you don't need to reduce your debt to divorce. Often the first visit to a lawyer, the consultantion is free.... Not yet, but I have researched which ones will provide the free 30 minute consultation. One of the problems I have for now is that I have to take time off from work to go to the consultation, which will be noticed in my paycheck which I get paid hourly. She is such a control freak, if I say I went to the Drs, she'll want to know which one so she will be looking for the bill for it.
I don't want to tip my hand to her about my filing for divorce. She is currently working hard to help pay off some of our debts and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If she thinks I'm going to leave she will quit working and that would make the financial situation worse. That's why I'm holding out until next summer.
We've agreed any money we save will be used to pay down the next credit car/bill until we can get them all paid down/off.
But after yesterday, I'm going to start the divorce process next summer no matter what. Hopefully she won't do something stupid. But I know I have no control over that if she does. But I'm hoping our finances will be in the black, not the red, like they are right now.
We've agreed on a few things. No more money on credit cards unless we consult each other first. Credit cards will only be used for emergencies or absolute repairs or maintenance on cars or house.
We will not be spending any money for Christmas this year. All money will be put towards payment of debts. That's our present to each other this year.
When I do go to see the attorney, I want to be able to put all of our income/expenses on one sheet to save time for the attorney to review. Having less debts will make that possible. Right now it's about 2 pages long.
|
|
|
Post by wom360 on Aug 26, 2018 22:00:52 GMT -5
I’m having a hard time understanding why you (passive aggressively) went into her room naked without even a towel when you certainly knew she hadn’t seen you that way in 5 years. Wasn’t this reaction pretty predictable?
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 26, 2018 22:22:34 GMT -5
The lawyer advice is pivotal Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo - even if you have to spin a line of bullshit to "hide" the fact. Here's why - It may be that paying down debt is NOT the smartest move you could make. It may turn out that a better time to act would be now, or perhaps in summer 2020 rather than summer 2019 It may be that in your jurisdiction custody matters or required length of separation work in your favour (or against you). Many things you need to know, and the best time to gain that knowledge is "as soon as possible" so you can adjust your exit strategy accordingly.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 22:31:03 GMT -5
wom said: 'I’m having a hard time understanding why you (passive aggressively) went into her room naked without even a towel when you certainly knew she hadn’t seen you that way in 5 years. Wasn’t this reaction pretty predictable?''
Good point. Once my husband and I had been not having sex while sleeping in separate rooms for a couple of years, I also would have been creeped out if he had come naked into my room. It would have felt like a brother or roommate did that.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 22:34:55 GMT -5
Have you talked to your boss about adjusting your schedule? Giving you some overtime? Divorce is more and more common, it's also going to affect your work hours eventually. I am glad I was unemployed during all of my divorce. The paperwork, visits to the bank,hours digging up bank records, hours spent on the computer, going through household files, and all the emails and attorney visits are time consuming. I was fortunate to have the time available.
The time to announce "divorce" may be sooner than you want.,so you can speak with attorneys and close accounts and credit cards. tell her the truth, where you went and why, let her look at your pay all she wants, it's all going to be part of the divorce process,and all for your own self improvement!
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:38:31 GMT -5
I’m having a hard time understanding why you (passive aggressively) went into her room naked without even a towel when you certainly knew she hadn’t seen you that way in 5 years. Wasn’t this reaction pretty predictable? Well maybe it should have been, but it wasn't the first thought because I had thought in my own home with my wife, that wouldn't have been an issue.
I guess in a normal marriage it wouldn't be. I guess I just forgot where I was, lol.
We're just roommates and as such I shouldn't have done that.
You're right about that.
But it won't ever happen again, that's for damn sure.
|
|