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Post by baza on Aug 26, 2018 0:34:55 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother solodriver - "... but I'm sure as hell not staying with my refuser wife after next summer"... That sounds like the embryonic stages of an exit strategy. If that's the case then there's no time like the present to start on that. Like Brother @hopingforchange notes, you don't have to rush to finality right now. It would be smart to start doing the groundwork now though.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 26, 2018 0:35:02 GMT -5
As I was processing this a while ago, my stupid sense of humor came out.
Maybe my wife is onto something. She could start a new diet plan and call it the "Creepy Diet Plan"
This has certainty affected my appetite tonight.
Every time I think I want to eat, I hear the words "Your butt is creeping me out" and I lose my appetite immediately.
I'm going to lose weight for sure if that keeps up.
Maybe not a bad plan. Now all it needs is a marketing plan. Maybe get Darren Tate (Bewitched) to write the slogan.
We'll have something to fight about during the divorce. I think I deserve some of the financial benefits of that diet.
God I'm hopeless
You haven’t lost your sense of humor. That’s a good thing.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 26, 2018 0:45:06 GMT -5
Wow I have to say, I never saw it coming and didn't expect it to get to me as much as it did. I'm mad at myself because I should have expected it and shouldn't have let her hurt me that way. I know what some guys would call me for letting it happen. [/p]
[/quote] I count this as a good thing. Your heart is not so jaded that it cannot be hurt. You could also choose to view this as affirmation that you value a partner who sees you as attractive, who is accepting of you just as you are, and who speaks to you with kindness. And use the power of the anger and hurt to propel you toward your exit.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 26, 2018 0:48:54 GMT -5
I hope that is a red pill moment that sticks with you and motivates you.
Get your legal affairs in order, and work on being the best you that you can be. Better days are ahead.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 0:54:33 GMT -5
That is exactly what it has done.
I don't want to spend anymore time with someone that is "creeped" out by me.
But I think it may have made it harder for me to feel comfortable getting naked in front of someone else. I can't get that voice and sentence out of my head.
Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 26, 2018 1:13:26 GMT -5
If your time frame is a year, you have plenty of time to Atkins or South Beach or Cave Man diet, and exercise your way to a more confident you.
You know, as much as I like a hardbody as my ideal body type, I have never been "into" a woman with a hardbody. My girlfriend does not fit into that category, but I find her incredibly erotic. There is just so much more to human attraction. I think when the time comes, and you are with a woman that is into you, I think all that insecurity is going to melt away pretty quickly.
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 26, 2018 7:06:01 GMT -5
How cruel and just terrible! I’m so sorry. You have however perfectly highlighted something that a lot of people in a SM try desperately to ignore: how utterly dehumanizing it can be.
If it makes you feel any better, my ex blamed me for our SM even though he had ED and lack of desire and I was trying everything. By the end, in addition to blaming the bed being too soft (the same one we had since day one), the lights too bright, the music (we always had to have certain lighting and music tha HE chose) too loud, me being too aggressive, not aggressive enough, etc etc, on our last day with our second couples therapist—a sex therapist—-he blamed the texture of my pubic hair for making him lose his erection! I don’t think I have to tell you it was the same hair i had since day one, hahahha.
By the time I had had an affair and knew that I was in fact, diametrically opposed to everything he told me, quite desirable and very good in bed. So I almost found it funny, though it was so freaking INSULTING I almost got up and walked out.
Instead I kicked him out a very short time later! Once it gets to that point, your marriage isn’t dead, it’s INCINERATED. Dust off the ashes and move along!
PS: as most know I immediately fell in love with an extremely sexy guy 11 years my junior who still fucks my brains out on the regular despite two small kids, exhaustion, my two c-section scars, gray hair and increasingly squishy midsection. I’m so glad I ended my SM!
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Post by workingonit on Aug 26, 2018 7:14:39 GMT -5
I am so sorry you had this experience. I think when we married we opened ourselves to this other person more deeply than any other. They can wound us so profoundly.
For perspective, consider this scenario from your w's perspective. To look at your spouse and feel creeped out by their nudity is level 1. You are either deeply sexually disfunctional, absurdly immature, or you have detached from your SO so much that you have the reaction you should have if a stranger walks into your room naked.
Level 2 is saying something about how creeped out you are. You are either so narcisistic you cannot see that your words impact others, cruel, or detached from your SO that you are reacting the way you should react if a strangervwalks into your room naked. (Or Roger Ailes- major creepy, or other boss type)
I think she is pretty checked out of your marriage. That is a place to start for you for steps forward in the future. The fact that she can be so cruel is very informative of where she is at.
Hang in there. FWIW I am absolutely positive you are not objectively creepy in any way.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 8:03:39 GMT -5
There is also your W's perspective of, she would much rather be alone and with a screen (the tv) than with a person. Who is the one who is insecure and hiding their fears?
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Post by workingonit on Aug 26, 2018 8:10:05 GMT -5
Sorry but had to add: "Creepy" is such a specific word. It connotes feeling violated in some way. Like your boss suddenly naked in your meeting or Louis CK suddenly masturbating in your dressing room. Those things are seriously creepy. They make your skin crawl.
I think it is good you are impacted by these words. Not that your self esteem is taking a hit! That is pure shit! But that you can realize that for a woman to think your nude presence is creepy is significant. It indicates a level of disgust that should be a huge red flag, a red pill, a turning point. You are not a creep nor does looking for underwear make you one!!
I have not had sex with my h in 9 years. We still share a bedroom but different beds. We both walk naked around each other while getting dressed. We both look- we don't turn our gaze or pretend not to look. Neither of us say anything. While I no longer feel attracted to him he does not creep me out. (Now I used to playfully smack his ass or make comments that were crude and/or flirty it has been a long time since that has happened.)
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 26, 2018 9:13:55 GMT -5
solodriver, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. You are not creepy. The human body is a beautiful creation, and if she doesn't appreciate *your* body, then fine, but to be repulsed by you speaks more to her mean, narcissistic spirit and lack of basic human dignity than it does to your attractiveness. She has a heart problem, and that is in no way your fault. For her to then attempt to be nice and make small talk later means she realizes what she said was hurtful, but she refuses to acknowledge your feelings and apologize to you while pretending nothing happened. She's a coward. Please don't let her have any power over you by believing her comment.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 9:22:57 GMT -5
How cruel and just terrible! I’m so sorry. You have however perfectly highlighted something that a lot of people in a SM try desperately to ignore: how utterly dehumanizing it can be. If it makes you feel any better, my ex blamed me for our SM even though he had ED and lack of desire and I was trying everything. By the end, in addition to blaming the bed being too soft (the same one we had since day one), the lights too bright, the music (we always had to have certain lighting and music tha HE chose) too loud, me being too aggressive, not aggressive enough, etc etc, on our last day with our second couples therapist—a sex therapist—-he blamed the texture of my pubic hair for making him lose his erection! I don’t think I have to tell you it was the same hair i had since day one, hahahha. By the time I had had an affair and knew that I was in fact, diametrically opposed to everything he told me, quite desirable and very good in bed. So I almost found it funny, though it was so freaking INSULTING I almost got up and walked out. Instead I kicked him out a very short time later! Once it gets to that point, your marriage isn’t dead, it’s INCINERATED. Dust off the ashes and move along! PS: as most know I immediately fell in love with an extremely sexy guy 11 years my junior who still fucks my brains out on the regular despite two small kids, exhaustion, my two c-section scars, gray hair and increasingly squishy midsection. I’m so glad I ended my SM! Thanks nyartgal,
Your story is encouraging. Incinerated is exactly what happened yesterday with my wife. I didn't sleep at all last night, tossing and turning and up and down all night thinking and feeling the pain of what happened. Woke up this morning with a sick stomach. Ugh!
For me, it's not all about looks. It's what's inside that counts: passion, love, desire. Age is not a factor either. I just want to share my desire for love, intimacy and passion along with the desire to share everyday life and adventures. But her comment about my naked body "creeping her out" just HURT so bad. It made me feel UTTERLY and TOTALLY unworthy. And I guess I hadn't realized how ugly I had become to her. Like I said, it has been about 5 years since I let her see me naked because we don't sleep together in the same room and I dress and undress in the other room.
What happened yesterday was a freak occurrence because she hadn't put my underwear in my dresser drawer like she normally does, or sometimes she will put them on my bed to put away.
I never thought I would have had to wrap myself in a towel so I wouldn't "creep out" my wife of 30 years.
The whole incident was shocking and hurting to me, but it definitely confirmed to me 2 things: It will NEVER, EVER happen again and we ARE going to be divorced next summer. I'm going to try like hell to make it happen financially.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 9:38:16 GMT -5
I am so sorry you had this experience. I think when we married we opened ourselves to this other person more deeply than any other. They can wound us so profoundly. For perspective, consider this scenario from your w's perspective. To look at your spouse and feel creeped out by their nudity is level 1. You are either deeply sexually disfunctional, absurdly immature, or you have detached from your SO so much that you have the reaction you should have if a stranger walks into your room naked. Level 2 is saying something about how creeped out you are. You are either so narcisistic you cannot see that your words impact others, cruel, or detached from your SO that you are reacting the way you should react if a strangervwalks into your room naked. (Or Roger Ailes- major creepy, or other boss type) I think she is pretty checked out of your marriage. That is a place to start for you for steps forward in the future. The fact that she can be so cruel is very informative of where she is at. Hang in there. FWIW I am absolutely positive you are not objectively creepy in any way. Thank you workingonit. Your words brought tears to my eyes this morning. It has been a long, sleepless, sad night for me. I have to try and pull it together today. I guess I never thought that she would hurt me the way she did, especially since I didn't do anything to provoke it other than try to find my underwear.
She will never have to worry about it happening again, that's for sure.
But it still HURTS to think she feels that way about me. But it is also the driving factor to get me out of this marriage next summer. I was thinking last night while I couldn't sleep about when I'm cleaning out things in preparation for my leaving, anything that she has ever given me of a romantic nature: cards, letters, pictures, notes, etc. is going in the garbage, because all I will now ever hear in my head about her is how my naked body "creeped her out".
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I could ever say anything so mean and cruel.
But this house is going to be very quiet for a long time now. We really don't have anything to talk about any more. I know where I stand with her. I guess that's good thing for my motivation. I'm going to try and be very busy or gone as much as I can the next several weeks for sure.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 9:47:22 GMT -5
If your time frame is a year, you have plenty of time to Atkins or South Beach or Cave Man diet, and exercise your way to a more confident you. You know, as much as I like a hardbody as my ideal body type, I have never been "into" a woman with a hardbody. My girlfriend does not fit into that category, but I find her incredibly erotic. There is just so much more to human attraction. I think when the time comes, and you are with a woman that is into you, I think all that insecurity is going to melt away pretty quickly. Thanks ironhammer! I will be doing more exercising and dieting, that's for sure. I can't do much about the incision scar from my pancreatic surgery, but maybe I can get a dermatologist to remove some of the bumps that have popped up along the way.
But it still going to be in the back of my mind if/when I meet a woman who wants to be intimate with me. I will feel very vulnerable and nervous. But I know I'm willing to risk it if I find someone who is that interested in me. I know I won't ever look like I did 30 years ago, but hopefully with some work I will still have some sex appeal left, lol.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 10:02:27 GMT -5
solodriver , there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. You are not creepy. The human body is a beautiful creation, and if she doesn't appreciate *your* body, then fine, but to be repulsed by you speaks more to her mean, narcissistic spirit and lack of basic human dignity than it does to your attractiveness. She has a heart problem, and that is in no way your fault. For her to then attempt to be nice and make small talk later means she realizes what she said was hurtful, but she refuses to acknowledge your feelings and apologize to you while pretending nothing happened. She's a coward. Please don't let her have any power over you by believing her comment. Thank you heartbrokengirl,
Your words of encouragement have touched me and helped me feel better. It just still hurts so much that she thinks that of me. But she will never have to be "creeped out" by me ever again.
I will have to work on myself so I won't "creep out" anyone else who might find me interesting enough to take a chance with.
I think this has been the hardest thing I've dealt with, especially since I never saw it coming, how she viewed me.
Like I shared with someone else, I don't think, no matter how upset I would be with someone, I would never think to utter such a cruel, mean thing. No one deserves that.
I guess that's one of my faults - I do care about other people's feeling and wouldn't allow myself to sink to such a low-level and was just shocked and deeply hurt that she felt the need, for no reason, to do that.
But if there was any doubt left about our relationship, this nailed it shut for sure. I will probably never get that phrase out of my head, at least with her for sure.
I just never thought of myself that way before. What an eye-opening statement.
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