|
Post by choosinghappy on Mar 17, 2019 12:08:36 GMT -5
I don’t have any advice but I’m hoping things will progress smoothly for you. And I hope your son will come around. I’m sorry about the challenges. Pulling for you!!
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Mar 17, 2019 22:17:33 GMT -5
I'm rooting for you, too, sadkat. I hope your son comes around. Having a STBX that won't face reality is rough, too.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 18, 2019 1:13:42 GMT -5
Sister sadkat Without knowing your spouse (or what are his motivations, his values, or anything else much about him) it is hard to suggest how you might ease the way forward. But as a general principle, I like what Brother DryCreek said about 7 comments back. And I think an astute Sister like you will be able to find the 'right' carrot and or 'stick' to wave about under his nose. A thread or two back I think you mentioned that you were willing to take less than you are entitled to in the split up. Perhaps it would be prudent to take that offer back off the table and present as being prepared to fight for your full whack. Then, in a display of great generosity and caring, remake the offer to take less on the basis of him co-operating fully with the orderly wind up of the marriage. If one of his motives is *money* this may do the trick. As regards your son (who must be 25 or so now) I'd be betting he'll come around in his own sweet time. All you can do is keep your door and line of communication open and invite him through. What he then chooses to do and when he chooses to do it is entirely his choice - as it should be.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 18, 2019 7:21:12 GMT -5
@ sadkat with no kids at home and a good job and separate finances if you can go uncontested I would. It's much cheaper Sounds like the guilt is the hardest part. I struggled with that also. I went to counseling on and off the 20 months I've been out. My soft heart and his manipulation of said heart made it necessary. If I had to do it all over again this is what I would do differently. One I would have stuck to my original plan and not told him until my apt was rented and it was no more than 2 weeks before moving if you are buying mostly new stuff I would have whatever I'm buying in the Apt/ house set up so I could tell him and sleep at the apt that night. Go back for my other things when he's at work I separted important papers, and went through all my clothes etc so I'm not moving stuff I will never wear /use. Put yourself under fire as little as possible I Also would start counseling for the guilt before not after. Best of luck to you. I'm here if you need any advice. My divorce is final in hindsight I can see exactly what I did right and where I went wrong. I was able to help my bf get out much easier .
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Mar 18, 2019 7:55:25 GMT -5
Thank you all for your advice and support. angeleyes65- I think you are correct that I do have guilt about leaving him but mostly it’s fear of his manipulation. He knows me well and knows what buttons to push. I have a very hard time dealing with him when he gets into those manipulative moods. And I know that is what I’ll get when I finally make him realize that I’m serious about leaving. I went to counseling specifically for help in getting out of this marriage. I will continue to seek counseling until this whole horrible ordeal is over. The most frustrating thing about it is that I cannot leave the house before it is sold. Neither one of us can afford to live in it on our own. I’m facing a lot of tense moments as we move through the process of selling the house. baza and DryCreek- h is motivated by money but is also an excellent negotiator. I do have a carrot or two to offer him and I will utilize them to meet my goal. It’s a matter of having the courage to start the conversation that I’m struggling with at the moment. Your support and advice mean a lot. I’m very thankful to have found this forum. I would not be where I am today without you.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 18, 2019 8:23:05 GMT -5
@ Sadkat yeah the manipulation is the hard part unfortunately he is still at it. I also hoped to be friends but its not possible right now i have to shut off his manipulation the marriage was on his terms the divorce was on mine as will the friendship be if and when he is ready .
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 18, 2019 8:27:43 GMT -5
Sadkat said: “h is motivated by money but is also an excellent negotiator. I do have a carrot or two to offer him and I will utilize them to meet my goal. It’s a matter of having the courage to start the conversation that I’m struggling with at the moment. “
I found it very helpful to let my lawyer handle all things related to the divorce. If my stbx brought up things related to the divorce, I referred him to my lawyer. I did this even though stbx and I lived together for a year throughout all but the final weeks of the divorce process.
I also slept in a different bedroom and lived my own life as if my h was a mere roommate: separate meals, trips, social life, etc.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 18, 2019 8:48:02 GMT -5
Some thoughts and sugestions:
A starting point, a way to test the water and 'secretly 'find out his 'buttons'. Offer Collaborative Law through your attorney.
next offer Mediation.
Do not feel guilty for wanting things to be divided evenly as possible. That gives YOU a very firm foundation to stand on and hold your ground if/when he tries to manipulate you into giving away what is rightfully/ legally/ fundamentally what is owed to you.
There is a lot that can be done and settled, while the understanding that the house, MUST be sold. You can start going through the house and deciding what you want to keep and what he should keep. Don't forget your bank accounts. Please get ready to take half of any joint accounts ( advice you should already be receiving from an attorney : It's showtime!)
It will show that you are serious,and their is no going back, that you are moving forward, whether he decides to or not.
No longer your concern, no longer your problem. I actually found myself having to throw those same words back at my now ex W. It felt good. And it leveled the playing field.
To thine own self be true. You've got this!
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Mar 18, 2019 9:02:25 GMT -5
I have nothing to add but I think you are dong a GREAT job!! Keep yourself centered, use your support network, and mive forward with one step at a time. Keep it up sister sadkat !
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2019 17:52:17 GMT -5
Just seeing this thread now, sadkat and continuing to wish you well. Your son will come around, your husband will eventually come to accept his fate. Remain strong and keep pushing forward. Though the struggle be real now, the best is yet to come. To thine own self be true. Hugs!
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 1, 2019 17:35:06 GMT -5
@ Sadkat yeah the manipulation is the hard part unfortunately he is still at it. I also hoped to be friends but its not possible right now i have to shut off his manipulation the marriage was on his terms the divorce was on mine as will the friendship be if and when he is ready . WOW, GREAT THOUGHT, I have to add to my notes: "Marriage (sexless, affectionless, etc.) is on HER terms and the separation/divorce will be on MY terms."
|
|