catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 26, 2018 13:03:50 GMT -5
We started counseling toward the end of our marriage to try to make things better. He would go to counseling appointments but never do the homework. He told me one day that doing the homework was pointless because things were never going to change. So I knew that was the end—he just wasn’t interested in expending any effort to save our marriage—and I knew it wasn’t something I could save on my own. He stopped going to counseling after that but I kept going until after we had separated. Things were fairly amicable, but I definitely needed the support. In a way, the counselor kept me accountable to pursuing changes that were hard but that I knew I needed to make in order to be happy and healthy. Mine would do the homework - as would I - but would then hold it over my head in counseling that he did MORE homework and put more effort into it than I did. Made me not want to do anything. My h has been pushing for us to go back to marriage counseling and I flat-out said no. I think we both need individual counseling. His reply was, “But there’s nothing wrong with me!” OMG. Doesn’t that just make you crazy!? Ugh.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 26, 2018 16:32:22 GMT -5
I’ve been in individual therapy for four years...
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Post by sadkat on Sept 11, 2018 19:53:47 GMT -5
Another baby step- I went to my first counseling session today. It was..enlightening. Especially when I realized that the pieces of my personality that I didn’t like very much and was working so hard to change were actually symptoms of my SM! This was validated by my counselor. It was such a freeing moment realizing that there was a valid reason for my behavior and not character flaws. My counselor wants to work with me in addressing my issues with my h but advised me to seek feedback from a lawyer prior to doing so. That’s my next step. Since I’m in Florence’s path, we decided to give me 3 weeks to accomplish this one task. She also wants me to spend more time doing stuff without my h- I told her I thought this would take longer than 3 weeks. This was a pretty good day.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 11, 2018 20:44:42 GMT -5
You just took a giant step! WTG!
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Post by javba on Sept 11, 2018 21:01:02 GMT -5
Good luck Stay safe
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Post by warmways on Sept 11, 2018 22:27:04 GMT -5
You’re doing so well. Courage!
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Post by solodriver on Sept 11, 2018 22:50:13 GMT -5
We started counseling toward the end of our marriage to try to make things better. He would go to counseling appointments but never do the homework. He told me one day that doing the homework was pointless because things were never going to change. So I knew that was the end—he just wasn’t interested in expending any effort to save our marriage—and I knew it wasn’t something I could save on my own. He stopped going to counseling after that but I kept going until after we had separated. Things were fairly amicable, but I definitely needed the support. In a way, the counselor kept me accountable to pursuing changes that were hard but that I knew I needed to make in order to be happy and healthy. Mine would do the homework - as would I - but would then hold it over my head in counseling that he did MORE homework and put more effort into it than I did. Made me not want to do anything. My h has been pushing for us to go back to marriage counseling and I flat-out said no. I think we both need individual counseling. His reply was, “But there’s nothing wrong with me!” Sounds just like my refuser - A Control Freak. Every time I tried to discuss what WE needed to work on, she would talk about what I NEEDED to work on. Nothing can be resolved when one person thinks they have no issues to work on, or isn't listening to the one critical word - WE.
When she tried to pull her DARVO crap I just kept saying: WE, WE, WE!
I don't deny that I have things I need to change, but when she isn't willing to accept her share of the issues that she needs to make changes in, change CANNOT and WILL NOT happen.
That's when I gave up completely on any hope for this relationship. Divorce will be initiated next summer.
I've actually spent today pondering my situation and had a "awakening".
So as to not hijack this post, I will share it in another post.
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Post by thebaffledking on Sept 12, 2018 5:37:46 GMT -5
Be ready for the moment to present itself. You can plan every detail, sadkat, but it very often comes down to being ready when the Universe presents you with the gift of golden opportunity. When it comes (and it will), STEP RIGHT INTO IT and get this done (-: And you WILL!
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Post by sadkat on Sept 12, 2018 6:15:51 GMT -5
Be ready for the moment to present itself. You can plan every detail, sadkat, but it very often comes down to being ready when the Universe presents you with the gift of golden opportunity. When it comes (and it will), STEP RIGHT INTO IT and get this done (-: And you WILL! Thank you for the encouragement- I’m looking forward to my golden opportunity!
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Post by sadkat on Sept 23, 2018 13:30:41 GMT -5
Well, I think I took a really big step last week. I finally went to consult with a lawyer. It went as expected (mostly due to all of your feedback). The only real surprise is that I found out that I would be entitled to money I thought would be entirely his. Our finances are totally separate. The only big asset (and debt) we have together is the house. I know some of you will kick me when I tell you that I don’t want any of the money I consider as his ( my lawyer wasn’t happy with me either). I’d just feel so guilty about it and I really don’t want to do anything that would hurt him. Anyway- if I can get him to agree to a divorce and amicably decide who gets what, my expenses would be about $1500. If we have to fight it out, it could go up to $10,000!! It would be in both our best interest to agree on how we should end our marriage. It won’t be easy for me to approach this with my h. That will be my next big hurdle and the focus of my future counseling sessions.
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Baby Steps
Sept 23, 2018 14:38:22 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by warmways on Sept 23, 2018 14:38:22 GMT -5
Well, I think I took a really big step last week. I finally went to consult with a lawyer. It went as expected (mostly due to all of your feedback). The only real surprise is that I found out that I would be entitled to money I thought would be entirely his. Our finances are totally separate. The only big asset (and debt) we have together is the house. I know some of you will kick me when I tell you that I don’t want any of the money I consider as his ( my lawyer wasn’t happy with me either). I’d just feel so guilty about it and I really don’t want to do anything that would hurt him. Anyway- if I can get him to agree to a divorce and amicably decide who gets what, my expenses would be about $1500. If we have to fight it out, it could go up to $10,000!! It would be in both our best interest to agree on how we should end our marriage. It won’t be easy for me to approach this with my h. That will be my next big hurdle and the focus of my future counseling sessions.
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Post by warmways on Sept 23, 2018 14:45:36 GMT -5
You *did* take a really big step. Congratulations! It sounds like you are on the right path.
You’re doing the right thing based on reading your posts here. It is tough emotionally but is all for the best. 🙂
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 23, 2018 15:09:58 GMT -5
Congratulations sadkat. That was one of the hardest steps for me and it is now behind you 😊
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Post by sadkat on Sept 23, 2018 15:17:57 GMT -5
You *did* take a really big step. Congratulations! It sounds like you are on the right path. You’re doing the right thing based on reading your posts here. It is tough emotionally but is all for the best. 🙂 Thank you! It was very difficult. I hope to continue progressing slowly toward my goal. The conversations I will need to have with my h will be very difficult for me. I appreciate all of your advice and encouragement I’m receiving from all of you!
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Post by sadkat on Sept 23, 2018 15:20:23 GMT -5
Congratulations sadkat. That was one of the hardest steps for me and it is now behind you 😊 Thank you! It was a relief to get it behind me, for sure! My lawyer told me he would be glad to write up the paperwork for me and bite his lip if I decide to exclude my h’s money that I’m supposedly entitled to. I had to laugh at that!
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