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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2018 21:20:50 GMT -5
@choosinghappy asked an interesting question in the Children of SM thread, so I decided to create a poll to see if we can find out:
Does your decision to stay or go correlate your having grown up with parents who were loving and affectionate with each other?
There are a lot of variables, but here's the best I could do in trying to make this into a poll which can also be used to determine how parents' marriages might affect creating the SM to begin with.
For the purposes of this poll, "staying" means that you are still living with your spouse and do not have any court dates lined up. "Leaving" includes those who already left.
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Post by Dan on Aug 22, 2018 21:46:15 GMT -5
My parent's dedication to a Catholic marriage "'til death do us part" is DEFINITELY a huge part of my upbringing which STRONGLY biases me to stay in my marriage... though they've had Catholic friends who divorced, and I'm no longer Catholic!
(My mother would quip: "I'm a good Catholic woman. I don't believe in divorce. Murder, maybe, but not divorce.")
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Post by baza on Aug 22, 2018 22:37:06 GMT -5
I'm ineligible to vote, being "left".
But I've got an observation. It reads like basing your choice (to stay or leave) on what your parents relationship (good/bad/indifferent) was like. To me, that is quite a cop out.
You stay because you've fully examined all the options available and see staying as being in your longer term best interests. You leave because you've fully examined all the options available and see leaving as being in your longer term best interests.
And that choice is on you, not your parents or anyone else.
Family background might help you see how you got into the shit, but that's about all it will do.
My parents deal - as I recall it - was 'distant' physically, but real solid in most other areas. The influence this had on me choosing to stay in my deal for 3 decades, and its' influence on me choosing to ultimately leave my deal was nil. Zip. Nada. It wasn't a factor.
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johannesfactotum
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Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
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Post by johannesfactotum on Aug 22, 2018 22:58:11 GMT -5
I have no idea what my STBXs parent's relationship was like; one of them died well before I met her and she doesn't talk about it. I assume they were fine, my STBX never makes any references to difficulties in their marriage. My parents were fucking idiots who should probably never have gotten together and sure as hell shouldn't have stayed together as long as they did.
Who knows, maybe their shitty marriage example is why I worked so hard for so long to provide a secure, loving relationship for my STBX. Because I'm a moron who thought doing the exact opposite of what my parents did would lead to a happy, successful marriage. But it turns out the exact opposite would have been to cut and run at the first hint of trouble, like I did with all my other previous girlfriends.
Love is a hell of a drug.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 3:18:23 GMT -5
I'm ineligible to vote, being "left". But I've got an observation. It reads like basing your choice (to stay or leave) on what your parents relationship (good/bad/indifferent) was like. To me, that is quite a cop out. You stay because you've fully examined all the options available and see staying as being in your longer term best interests. You leave because you've fully examined all the options available and see leaving as being in your longer term best interests. And that choice is on you, not your parents or anyone else. Family background might help you see how you got into the shit, but that's about all it will do. My parents deal - as I recall it - was 'distant' physically, but real solid in most other areas. The influence this had on me choosing to stay in my deal for 3 decades, and its' influence on me choosing to ultimately leave my deal was nil. Zip. Nada. It wasn't a factor. I mischaracterized the poll then; when I say "leaving" in also include "left." I agree with you as far as it being a cop-out, but the point of the poll is to see whether those whose who had good models of what a relationship should be like are more likely to take the actions to leave, not to justify the decision. The subconscious is a powerful tool whether we admit it or not. (Come to think of it, another angle would be to see a correlation between parents staying in a terrible marriage with people staying in SMs.) For example, even though my parents did not have a normal loving relationship, I subconsciously regard my mom as heroic for staying and taking care of my dad during his last years of illness when she must have still had resentment towards him. I think that colored how I looked at my relationship as well to be "till death do us part." It takes a conscious decision to override one's subconscious feelings about what marriage should be. Our sample size probably isn't large enough but it is an interesting question as to whether we are subconsciously acting in ways we saw modeled for us.
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Post by h on Aug 23, 2018 4:10:42 GMT -5
Mine fought all the time and after 19 years, divorced. My W's parents fight all the time and occasionally one will move out for a few days intending on not going back but they are still together. There is no example of a happy marriage for either of us. I think this is why I have tolerated it for so long and fought so hard to fix it recently. I wanted to be better than the example I had. She hasn't seriously thought about divorce other than her past threats that were all a bluff to win arguments. I'm still not certain of my path forward, but I'm staying for now. That may change, and I would be ok with that also.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2018 6:31:44 GMT -5
I can't remember my years of 0- 12 yrs old how my parents treated each other sexually. I do remember after my fathers job relocation and a big move to another state both parents and us kids left behind all our friends and relatives, moving from the North to the South. This was when Mom was declared manic/bipolar. She refused to take her medications. Meanwhile dad went through 11 angioplasties and had two triple bypasses. There was avoidance all the time. Dad retreated, avoided ,and tried to explain and defend mom's actions the best he could. He stayed until death.
My ex's parents separated 12 years ago. The whole family knew (including myself) that MIL was a manipulative controller, self absorbed, narc. While FIL was far to codependent and would always be a "yes dear".
So the last 12 yrs of our marriage included having the example of my codependent FIL (separated but still married to his Narcissist wife.) living with us at our house. My ex used that for triangulation to her advantage.
What took me 20 yrs to realize was my ex told me in the beginning " I do not want to be like her, (her mother) please call me out on it". Instead she was even more sly, crafty, and more manipulative at wearing a fake mask, remaining calm, and managing to have control over most everything in the marriage. (The one way street paved with double standards)
While I had the example of a peace keeper at any cost father, and a codependent FIL. I'm glad I saw the light and left a toxic relationship.
I don't think it will affect my strong desire for a relationship with communication, trust, sex and intimacy. I am still learning to not be as passive and codependent. And to spot the red flags and run the other way.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 23, 2018 6:34:00 GMT -5
My parents’ sm was horrible. My mother stayed because she didn’t want the embarrassment of a second divorce. In his senior years, my dad had strokes that left him incontinent, partially paralyzed and mute. Mom angrily cared for him til he died several years later. That’s a big reason I left my sm when I was 61 after a 34 year marriage. I didn’t want my life to end up like theirs. My marriage was not vicious as theirs was. It was just an emotional desert. Still, I didn’t want to end up caregiving or being cared for by a man who felt like a roommate.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2018 7:18:25 GMT -5
What's the difference in " my parents and spouses parents had a non loving relationship" and "neither of our parents had a loving relationship"?
I'm confused? They both mean the same thing.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 8:03:46 GMT -5
greatcoastal, you are right. I need to make sure I'm better rested before making complicated polls....
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Post by shamwow on Aug 23, 2018 8:06:40 GMT -5
I think you need some more choices 😏
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2018 8:18:28 GMT -5
greatcoastal , you are right. I need to make sure I'm better rested before making complicated polls.... Thank you for your poll! It's a good one! These are the kind of things I appreciate and have difficulty doing/wording by myself.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 24, 2018 14:24:25 GMT -5
I personally think the correlation with my and my STBX's parents' marriages may be significant:
My parents modeled a good marriage for me. His parents modeled no marriage + horrible and abusive relationships for him.
STBX really does not know how to be a husband (and struggles as a father although he DOES try and this matters to him). I was unwilling to settle for the crappy sexless and affectionless marriage that I had with him.
I do think that having a good marriage modeled for me may have (subconsciously?) influenced my decision to leave my crappy marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 14:47:24 GMT -5
I personally think the correlation with my and my STBX's parents' marriages may be significant: My parents modeled a good marriage for me. His parents modeled no marriage + horrible and abusive relationships for him. STBX really does not know how to be a husband (and struggles as a father although he DOES try and this matters to him). I was unwilling to settle for the crappy sexless and affectionless marriage that I had with him. I do think that having a good marriage modeled for me may have (subconsciously?) influenced my decision to leave my crappy marriage. Thinking about the poll, I'm probably not asking the right question. In your case, I think that you having a good model of a loving marriage helped you get out much, much faster than most people on this board. What seems semi-normal to many of us was completely unacceptable to you. And you can thank your upbringing for realizing relatively young what many of us took far too long to learn.
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 24, 2018 15:13:38 GMT -5
My mom is a narc and my dad was an alcoholic. So I learned my needs didn't matter much and that led me to settle for a relationship like that and stayed too long.. My ex's parents are still in a horrible marriage. Mother is one of the most awful people I've ever met. Critical. Name calling. Verbally and emotionally abusive. Probably a sexless marriage. His dad had a series of affairs. One of which exploded horribly.
After some therapy, I'm now in a relationship which is completely different. I feel like I've won the lottery.
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